Concerned that “political speech has gone far beyond the bounds envisioned by the Founding Fathers,” Senator Charles Schumer (D-NY) proposes that “we amend the Constitution to correct for unforeseen deficiencies.”

“When the First Amendment was adopted the range of freedom of speech and press was more limited,” Schumer pointed out. “Even the most booming voice could carry only so far. Printed speech required laboriously setting type. Distributing printed materials over long distances was difficult and time-consuming. Today any bozo with access to a computer terminal or cell phone can blast his ignorant views around the globe in mere seconds.”

“We need to be able to insert some kind of filtering mechanisms to cut down on uninformed and ill-informed chatter that is undermining the people's respect for their government,” Schumer argued. “The problem is that the First Amendment's absolute ban of 'Congress shall make no law abridging freedom of speech' blocks us from making sensible changes to adapt to modern methods of communication.”

“The question is whether we want to live under 200 year-old rules written by long-dead white men or whether we shall have the flexibility to maneuver to meet evolving technologies and social values,” the Senator asserted. “Congress needs to have the authority to make the laws it deems necessary to insure that political speech is kept within civilized bounds. Some speech needs to be abridged. It's racist, sexist, homophobic and disloyal. Allowing such vile comments to hide behind the First Amendment degrades debate. The people's representatives in the House and Senate have a responsibility to protect society from this sort of degradation.”

President Blames Poor Poll Numbers on Slander

President Barack Obama told a gathering of millionaire donors to the Democratic Party that polls showing dire prospects for the November elections “have nothing to do with my policies and everything to do with the poisonous racism and anti-government animus of the GOP.”

The President acknowledged that “part of the problem lies in the fragmented format of our elections. I won't be on the ballot this November. Voters will be asked to sift through a confusing roster of unfamiliar candidates and issues. We need to transform the process and make it simpler. In the meantime, if we can boil the election down to a basic 'yes' or 'no' choice for voters we may be able to navigate through these tough times. So, even though voters can't vote for me, we can remind them that a vote for any Democrat is, in fact, a vote for my policies.”

Whether a basic “yes or no” messaging strategy would work in a “poisonous” environment is unknown. “As Senator Schumer has pointed out, there are far too many ways for the holders of disreputable opinions to get their scurrilous slanders out,” Obama lamented. “His proposed Amendment has merit, but could only have an impact in the longer run if we could get enough states to ratify it. In the more immediate run up to this November's balloting the best I can do is remind those who oppose us that the NSA and IRS are still under my authority. I will not hesitate to exploit their full potential for curbing unwanted criticisms of my policies.”

In related news, it has been discovered that 10% of the taxpayers who just happen to have their names appear on lists of donors to Tea Party political causes were audited by the IRS. Statistically, an average taxpayer's chance of being audited is around 1%.

Catholic Church's Right to Oppose Abortion Challenged

In a hearing before the United Nations Committee Against Torture (UNCAT) , the Center for Reproductive Rights (CRR) argued that the Catholic Church's campaign against abortion is tantamount to mental torture.

In testimony before the UNCAT, CRR Vice Chairperson Felice Gaer maintained that “the Church's uncompromising opposition to abortion is out-of-step with the values shared by all progressive nations. By characterizing abortion as the taking of a human life they are, in effect, accusing every woman who has an abortion of murdering her own child. This type of mental abuse is among the list of tortures this Committee has the responsibility to suppress.”

As a first measure, Gaer urged that UNCAT “inform the Church it cannot hide behind a claim to freedom of religion or speech to justify its nonconforming policy preferences. There is no freedom of religion or speech to deviate from the values selected through the democratic processes of the UN or its member states.”

If the Catholic Church doesn't heed a UN-issued “gag order” Gaer suggested that UNCAT “designate it as a terrorist organization and subject it to sanctions.” One sanction that immediately leapt to Gaer's mind was “to freeze all of the Church's assets wherever they may be found. These funds could then be used to aide poor women who might otherwise have to forgo getting an abortion due to poverty.”

Hillary Clinton Denies any Responsibility for Boko Haram's Terrorism

Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton's attempt to join in the widespread condemnation of the Nigerian terror group Boko Haram's kidnapping spree bumped up against evidence that her efforts at State blocked this organization from being added to the terror watch list.

In her defense, Clinton contended “I had no way of knowing then that they would later kidnap 300 girls to sell into slavery. It was my impression then that Boko Haram was engaged in a campaign to uplift impoverished Muslims in Nigeria.”

In contradiction to Clinton's assertions, the FBI, the CIA, and the Justice Department all pleaded with the State Department to have Boko Haram designated a terrorist organization. “That may well be,” Hillary said, “I don't specifically recall. What I do remember is that Bill assured me that fighting poverty was their mission. And for that I didn't think they deserved to be stigmatized with a terrorist label.”

Judging from its actions, the real target of Boko Haram appears to be education. For years it has been murdering teachers and students. In fact, roughly translated, Boko Haram means “education is sin.” Kidnapping school girls to sell as sex slaves seems more a blow against education than an anti-poverty program.

The former Secretary of State maintained that “whatever I did do back then is no longer relevant. I can't undo it now. So what does that matter at this point? I want to go on record today as deploring their latest atrocity.”

Current Secretary of State John Kerry placed Boko Haram on the terror watch list in November 2013. “Much as we might want to sympathize with their anger against a world they did not make, the simple fact is that they do not offer any kind of health insurance for either their troops or the people they seek to subjugate,” Kerry complained. “To us this is a stark reminder of how barbaric they are in their outlook. President Obama has declared that health insurance is a human right. Lack of respect for this right by Boko Haram leaves us no choice but to classify them as terrorists.”

Dem 2016 Presidential Candidate Makes Major Gun Control Statement

Couching gun-control as a “public health” issue, 2016 presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton called for “a major rethinking of who we allow to possess firearms in this country.”

“It seems like no news broadcast is free of reports of another shooting somewhere,” Clinton said. “It could hardly be clearer that there are just too many guns in the hands of the wrong people. Stopping this carnage has to be a focus of any comprehensive effort to improve the health of Americans.”

Clinton maintained that she wasn't calling for an end to the right to bear arms. “I'm just saying that this right needs to be balanced with the obligation of the Government to insure domestic tranquility,” she insisted. “We don't want people who are mentally unbalanced or potentially dangerous to have guns in their possession. A program where public authorities can review each person's request to own or carry firearms and determine whether society would be safer with or without that person having a gun seems reasonable to me.”

“You have to admit that widespread ownership of guns really complicates law enforcement for the police,” Clinton argued. “If only the police were permitted to carry weapons it'd be clear that anyone else carrying would be a criminal. But when there are private citizens with legally allowed guns police can't be sure whether the person they're shooting is a good guy or a bad guy. One of my priorities when I am President will be to simplify things.”

“Even just a universal registry of where all the guns are would be a significant step forward,” Clinton contended. “That way every gun involved in a crime could be traced to its owner. And in the event of a major domestic disturbance authorities could more easily and quickly round up and sequester firearms that might conceivably be used to attack the Government.”

Senator Warns Voters against Ousting Her from Office

Senator Mary Landrieu (D-La) is sinking in the polls and seems in danger of losing her seat in Congress. In a bid to stave off this fate she warned voters that “I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. But what I do have is a very particular set of skills. Skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let me keep my seat, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will use these skills to make you rue the day you decided to defy me.”