(satire) Airport
security needs to be tightened up in the departing and arrival
sections if we are to maintain our prosperous carefree society free
from terrorism.
At departing immigration checkpoints, just having to
remove your hat belt shoes ~ empty your pockets placing the contents
on a tray ~ being prevented from carrying on board small perilous
steel objects such as back-scratchers, pens, scissors, certain
electrical items such as voltage converters, and having full body
scans which reveal the naked body, just is`nt satisfactory by
a long shot. In addition to all these minor dramas why not go
the full monty and examine the interior of the body as well?
Wait, before you whine,
do you know how many dope seeds can be concealed inside the body? One
can obtain one pound of top grade dried bud from one pot plant,
enough to permanently hook one child under the age of 28 over the
course of a year or two. So if we search and find only one seed
hidden by a passenger, this might prevent ONE CHILD from
living a miserable life of drug abuse and self-destruction. Is`nt
THAT worth the minor
drama of being examined by medical authorities for an hour before
boarding? So what`s the big deal of having to arrive 3 hours, instead
of 2 hours before departure? Avoid disgruntlement and accept the fact
that when all is said an done, we are only trying to prevent people
from hurting themselves and others.
The small $199
examination fee would be offset by providing your favorite beverages
and pastries aboard free, being entered into a raffle with a chance
to win an expense paid first class airline trip to Disneyland, AND
being permitted access to VIP lounges for a full 2 months!
The examination
includes:
1. Having a dentist
check your teeth to be sure there is nothing hidden inbetween the
cracks. If you are over 70 years old, toothpaste tubes must be cut
open to examine the contents.
2. Having a podiatrist
check your toenails.
3. Having a regular GP
check your fingernails (podiatrists are not permitted to touch
fingernails).
4. Having an eye ear
and nose specialist check these.
5. Having a
dermatologist examine bodily scars for possible implanted drugs.
6. Having a chemist
examine your nutritional supplements.
7. Having an electrical
engineer disassemble your electrical appliances for possible hidden
chambers.
8. Having a mint master
examine your paper mun for possible counterfeit bills.
9. Having a numismatist
examine your coins.
10. Having a qualified
licensed bonded mechanic examine your car for hidden pockets if its
parked in the long-term parking area.
11. Having a forensic
lab examine your fingerprints.
12. Having an
internalist check to see if your stomach is strong enough to
withstand repeated strains against the seat belt during a big storm.
13. Having a registered
nurse give a urine and blood test.
14. Having a
psychologist question you to see if you have any severe signs of
aerophobia. If yes you cannot fly, this protects your fellow
passengers who may become annoyed on the flight by you filling up and
spilling the contents of your barf bag on them.
15. Having to provide a
police report. If you`ve ever been questioned because police believed
you committed a "thought crime" during the last 25 years,
you`ll be on the "no fly" list.
16. Having to provide
vaccination proof for
smallpox/cholera/bilharzia/influenza/diphtheria/hepatitis/TB/measles/typhus/polio/encephalitis.
17. Having baggage
officials cut open your perfume/pill containers if you are over 83
years old dressed normally sitting in a wheelchair or walking with a
cane. We dont subject University students or hippies to this because
they`ve been so well-behaved and unprotesting these past years that
they deserve a reward for being so pusillanimous, err.... i mean
magnamimous.
18. Having to fill out
a form which asks "have you ever had the urge to, or have you
ever thrown a spitball at a chick school teacher, or pasted chewing
gum on her seat? If yes, you`ll have to go to checkpoint Z,
stand spread-eagled with your hands high up in the air and face
ZELDA, our most eldest crankiest nastiest lardaceous
foul-mouthed feminist. She will take an unwashed rag she had
retrieved from the trash in a ghetto fish factory, tie it around your
neck, and pull your head down so you can kiss her reeking tootsies.
Another question is "have you ever had the urge to say "I
think our president is as unrighteous as a barbie doll head floating
in a recovery pool fronting a nuclear power plant"? If your
answer is NO, then you will NOT be permitted aboard, we dont take
kindly to leg-pullers here.
19. Having to hear a
customs official grimly say to you "we found opium in your
luggage, stand over here facing us, place both hands on the table and
dont turn your back". We then photograph your facial
expressions. The foto is then given to a lie detector specialist for
careful examination. This is done for one reason, if your body
language says you`re overly nervous about something, we go over your
baggage HA HA HA with a fine tooth comb and then HA HA HA exray your
clothes for additional fun, err....I mean safety.
20. Having a colon and
rectal surgeon examine your rectum with a proctoscope. In rare cases
a colonoscopy may be mandatory if a polyp is detected, especially
under the brilliant new charitable Obama health plan. It would`nt be
fair to the person otherwise.
But dont come unglued,
the most serious complication generally is a tear or hole in the
lining of the colon called a gastrointestinal perforation which is
life-threatening and requires immediate major surgery for repair;
however, the rate of perforation is less than 1 in 2000
colonoscopies. Because they occur only rarely, never mind the
possible cardiopulmonary complications, splenic rupture, heart
attack, stroke, acute renal failure or intracolonic explosion.
Whats that you say? An
organic fruit diet for a few days would accomplish the same? Well, in
this country we have free choice guaranteed under the law, you can
simply choose not to travel. We would prefer that you travelled and
exercised your privileges, but if you choose to stay here in the land
of the brave, we`ll also salute that too because by nature we`re
parasitologists, err.... I mean philanthropists. We need your tax
mun, err... I mean your respect more than anything else.
Elvis
Presley "If I can dream (live)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4P5i7naMTuo
jukit babalu
jukit.wordpress.com
