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News Link • Economy - Economics USA

Fast Food Employees Now Completely Made Up of PhDs

• Tarrin Lupo
Fast Food Employees Now Completely Made Up of PhDs
All minimum wage jobs are now completely made up of people holding PhDs
All minimum wage jobs are now completely made up of people holding PhDs
Source: Tarrin Lupo
PhD Fryer Cook

When the economy crashed, everyone felt the pain. Eventually the ripple pushed down to through all the job markets and people were "let go" in droves.

As the new depression continued, folks started feeling the crunch. At first they were holding out for jobs in the same field, but as time went by they became less picky. Employers found themselves flooded with applications and realized they could have the pick of the bunch.

Dr. Brian Hagen runs the fryer over at "I Can’t Believe it’s Not Chicken," and talked to us during his break:

“A year ago I led a research team over at the university. Now I’m just trying to cook this chicken-like product without burning my hands with grease. The crazy part is I beat out an astrophysicist and anesthesiologist. The competition is getting really nasty out there. When I came in this morning, I saw a chemistry teacher holding a sign that read, ‘Will make high quality blue crack for food.’ This company hired me because of my doctorate in genetic engineering. I convinced them I could make whole new lines of chicken-like products, but all they have me doing is cleaning the grease traps.”

Employers love the new highly-educated prospects
Employers love the new highly-educated prospects
Source: Tarrin Lupo
It got real old fast
It got real old fast
Source: Creative Commons
Professors Make Math Jokes

It might be a tough world for job seekers, but employers love the new highly-educated prospects. Within months, hiring-managers were finally able to get back at all the people that made fun of them in high school.

Ernest Goebel explained, “Back in the day, all my friends had better jobs than me and held it over my head. Now the tables have finally turned, and I hold all the power. One by one they apply here at the ‘Hot Dog Overlord and Grocery,’ and I enjoy reading the high-power resumes.

Most are PhDs in engineering, math, and law. I remember back when I was cleaning pools for these guys; now I make sure I give them the worst jobs on the shifts. I bet they regret making fun of my acne and the rat-tail haircut I wore to homecoming now.”

Goebel chomped a foot-long wiener as he continued:

“The sociologist professors make the worst employees: they just want to sit and study what all the other employees are doing. They are particular know-it-all pain-in-the-asses. I finally gave in and hired a math professor, but he kept making math jokes with the desserts in the bakery. He kept pricing all the pies for $3.14 and giggling when he finished. It got real old fast.”

"I was just happy to be using my degree again" - professor of Asian studies
Source: Creative Commons
More Difficulties

Professor of Asian and Israeli studies, Feisal Rothschild, had a very difficult time finding a job. We caught up with him hanging out in a Lowes parking lot with a group of Mexicans waiting for work:

“Originally I found a job making egg rolls at a Jewish deli. It seemed like a perfect fit, and I was just happy to be using my degree again, but the place eventually fired me because I was eating all the product. I just can’t help myself; I will cut you for a good egg roll. After that job, I couldn’t find a damn thing out there. These days, I’m working as a day laborer. My Spanish is terrible, but hey, at least I do not have to pay taxes, and the churros these guys make are awesome.”

The government released a report last Friday that confirmed that all minimum-wage jobs are now held by people who hold a master’s degree or above. The report went on to say, “We found out people with these high-level degrees are completely useless in the real world.

These graduates have no real life skills, and are only useful if you want to debate problems with quantum physics on Facebook. When the dollar collapses this April, these people will be the first to starve to death unless they can find someone to exchange food for solving quadratic equations.”

World-renowned economist, Robert Murphy, went on to say, “I wish I could give you an intelligent and educated quote about when the economy will get better, but I am too busy delivering pizzas. If I don’t get these breadsticks to this dorm room in the next five minutes it comes out of my pocket.”

2014 Tarrin Lupo 

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