Next Monday a new law will go into effect that officials hope will help to correct bad grammar on the Internet.
H.B. LOLZ42 covers everything from the addition and combination of words, to Internet emoticons. Supporters of the bill have been lobbying the House since the creation of “flame wars” on Facebook. Opponents from proper grammar factions have joined forces to oppose the new laws. Here are some of the changes people will be required to conform to, come Monday. I caught up with one of the lobbyists to help me understand the new changes.
When we contacted the Governors' Counsel on Grammar, spokesman Brian Hagen said, “We surrender; we can no longer fight the tide of poor grammar on the web. We have decided the only way to deal with it is to just keep dumbing grammar down as much as we can. Our office has created a mandate we hope will fix the most common grammar problems. Let me take you through the major changes to the English language, which as of Monday are mandatory.
Councilman Hagen continued, “We also solved the problems with colons, semicolons, and commas: we have removed them completely from the English language and replaced them with five spaces. When you want someone to pause when reading your stuff, just hit the space bar five times.
The new law also eliminates all punctuation at the end of a sentence. Instead of using a question mark, exclamation point, or period, a person is now ordered to use an emoticon. Something calm and friendly like a smiley face or a winky face should represent a period. Use odd emoticons to represent the question mark. This will make folks think, “What’s that?” like they're asking themselves a question. Some good choices would be a shark, robot, or penguin instead of a question mark. You want to use yr strongest emoticons to replace the exclamation point. Things like a devil, angel, or kitten are government-approved choices.
One last thing: we have thrown out the rules about run-on sentences. We now encourage you to make them as long as you can. Feel free to just keep using the word and over and over again," said Hagen as he smiled."
Not everyone is happy with the changes. Protesters from all over are complaining.
Alyssa Streller, founder of the groups “OCD Editors” and “Grammar Police” spoke out defiantly on the steps of Congress. “These mandates are a complete slap in the face to the English language. There is no way I’m going to follow these rules. I will continue to use where, wear, and we're correctly and never accept the new word, wer. I don’t care what some bureaucrat writes on a piece of paper and calls a law. If using proper English makes me a criminal, then I’m a criminal. I will never say irregardless, or respond back; they just can’t make me. The government will have to come arrest me and pull the 'Modern Language Association Guide' out of my cold, dead hands."
Johnson Bryce said, “Now how am I going to win an argument online? I’m very careful when I troll to watch my grammar usage because I know the first person to misspell a word in a flame war loses. Whenever threads get really heated, you can always count on someone screwing up the words your and you’re. At that point, all you have to do is publicly ridicule them for their mistake, and their argument instantly becomes invalid. Without that trump card in my pocket, it will be much harder to humiliate someone who has an iPhone instead of a Droid.”
Mick Sanstrum posted, “I don’t know what to do: it’s going to be considerably more difficult to be judgmental of people with poor grammar and make fun of them. These new words and rules completely level the field now. I don’t know how I can show everyone else how superior I am if I can’t point out their improper use of the word too on their post about their cat eating pudding.”
There were two people we found who actually supported the new law:
Meg Gilliland posted, “I am so happy they passed this law. Theiyr’re are so many Grammar Nazis online because theiyr’re oodles of unemployed English majors. I’m so ready for the grammar cyber-bullying to stop. The other day I posted a thread about my cat eating pudding and this jerk kept pointing out mistakes. After Monday, I’ll be right and he’ll be wrong.”
Angela Clark stated, “Well, it’s a law now; too late to complain about it. I mean, what can you do, you gotta follow the law. It’s just easier to do what the government tells me and not have to think for myself.”
Councilman Hagen concluded, “We know the transition won’t be easy for some of you so we have hired the best twelve-year-old girls we could find to help, and classes will be offered to get you up to speed on how to write in txt and web speak. When the law goes into effect Monday, yul have to be able to understand the sentence below. I hope yr ready because yul be a lawbreaker if you don’t, and you don’t want to be thrown in jail and stuff :)"
b4 u go 2 c yr bf
pic me up at da skoo :)