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News Link • Intelligence: Use and Abuse

Busting barflies in bars only the beginning?


Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission undercover agents entered 36 nightclubs where they shared tables with suspected drunks and covertly monitored bartenders for over-serving patrons.  After agents determined that some individuals posed a risk to themselves or the public, 30 people were arrested for public intoxication.  Sgt. Chris Hamilton of the TABC justified the preemptive strikes by noting that some inebriated bar patrons “end up killing themselves or someone else” in drunk driving accidents.  Some hotel bar patrons were staying at the hotel, but having a room is no defense for public intoxication.  As criminal defense attorney Barry Sorrels explained to Channel 5 News, the key to the law lies in the potential danger.  TABC officials said the sweep concerned saving lives, not individual rights.

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A crack team of undercover Center for Disease Control operatives apprehended 57 allegedly overweight men, women and children consuming suspected high-calorie junk food in the food court of a Washington DC area shopping mall.  “It’s necessary to stop suspected obese people from gaining additional weight before they become a risk to themselves or the public,” explained a department spokescrat while justifying the preemptive operation.  “Just because people don’t intend to get Heart disease, high blood pressure or strokes is no excuse for public obesity.”  Also, under America’s de facto system of socialized medicine, all taxpayers suffer from other people’s obesity.  Another potential danger identified by anti-corpulence activists is that public obesity “sets a bad example for The Children, which justifies all regulation.”  A teenage fast food worker was also arrested for over-serving corny dogs to observedly portly patrons.  “We’re here to protect lives, not rights,” the spokescrat concluded with smug self-importance.

In Seattle, the city’s newly formed Decaffeination Task Force made its first arrest as seven covert operatives tackled a young woman dressed in a business suit, wrestled her to the ground and handcuffed her in a busy downtown Springbok’s Upscale Coffee Salon.  “We got her just in time!” one operative crowed proudly.  “She was clearly over-caffeinated.  She could have bitten someone’s head off if she had made it to the street.”  The squad’s leader explained that his officers, dressed as young, hip urbanites, had been staking out the establishment when one officer observed the unidentified suspect purchasing a triple triple chocolate latte with extra foam.  “This is a perfect example where public safety trumps individual rights,” the department’s commander asserted.  “We have to be proactive.  Otherwise, good young socially conscious whale-savers could turn into caffeine freaks and run amok in their offices, hurting the feelings of their coworkers and embarrassing all young liberals in general.”


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