SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

March 18, 2012

by John Semmens

Drawing Distinctions Between Limbaugh & Maher

While both Rush Limbaugh and HBO's Bill Maher have used offensive language against women whose political views they oppose, Representative Shelley Berkely (D-Nev) attempted to explain why she feels one should be banned and the other not.

“First of all, there is the issue of impact,” Berkely said. “Limbaugh's audience numbers in the millions. Maher, on the other hand, has maybe a few thousand fans. Since so few people have actually heard what Maher has said, his remarks are more along the lines of a private conversation. I mean, why ban someone that hardly anyone is listening to?”

“Second, is the issue of truth,” Berkely observed. “Limbaugh's assertion that Sandra Fluke was a prostitute was unsubstantiated by any facts. In fact, he was forced to apologize. Inasmuch as Sarah Palin is a woman, Maher calling her a 'c*nt' is technically correct. There is a big difference between using the public airways to make false statements and merely speaking the truth, albeit in crude terms.”

For his part, Maher defended his denigration of Palin pointing out that “not one person ever registered disapproval of what I said about her. In fact, I haven't heard a peep even from Sarah Palin. I think that this shows that deep down, she knows I've got her pegged.”

Maher further justified his line about Palin on the grounds that “it gets the biggest laughs of anything in my act. That right there is proof I've hit comedy 'gold.' As long as people pay me for what I say I'm going to continue to mine that mother lode of comedic genius.”

That Maher has donated $1 million to President Obama's reelection campaign was deemed an ameliorating factor in Representative Berkely's eyes. “At least we know his heart's in the right place, even if his mouth is a little dirty,” she said. “If Limbaugh were to make a similar donation I might be willing to cut him some slack. But he's working hard to bring down our President. We need to stop him any way we can.”

In related news, former White House chief of staff Rahm Emanuel says Mitt Romney is in danger of losing Democrats' support in his bid for the GOP presidential nomination. “Mr. Romney's refusal to take a strong stand against Rush Limbaugh's outrageous slurs of Sandra Fluke raises questions about his fitness,” Emanuel complained. “He had an opportunity to differentiate himself from the common sludge of the Republican Party, but he blew it. His long coveted chance to respectfully lose to President Obama in this Fall's election may be the price he'll have to pay if Democrats stop voting for him in the GOP's open primary states.”

Attorney General Explains His Opposition to Voter ID Laws

Obama's Attorney General Eric Holder continued his battle to prevent states from requiring voters to show photo identification before they are permitted to cast ballots.

That the US Supreme Court has already held that voter ID laws are Constitutional makes no difference says the AG. “I don't need some court to tell me what's right and what's wrong,” Holder exclaimed. “It's something everyone who's grown up Black just knows by instinct.”

Holder made short shrift of arguments based on the ubiquity of requests to show photo IDs in order to buy beer, enter a public building, rent a movie, board a plane, open a bank account, or check into a motel. “None of those activities are fundamental to the functioning of our democracy,” Holder argued. “The possibility that someone might be denied the privilege of partaking in them is not a threat to our way of life.”

“Voting, on the other hand, is an essential right,” Holder continued. “It is not contingent upon a requirement that voters must identify themselves. Voters may have valid reasons for not wanting to be identified. Maybe there are warrants out. Maybe he's behind in child support payments. Maybe he lacks documentation of his citizenship. None of these deficiencies cancel a person's human right to vote for who will rule over him. So, I cannot standby and allow any state or any court to infringe upon anyone's right to vote.”

Healthcare Mandate Decision Final Says White House

Press Secretary Jay Carney advised those critical of the Administration's decision to make insurers cover birth control devices and drugs to “give it a rest.”

“Look, the President is sorry that some consider this action to be insensitive to their personal or religious beliefs,” Carney said. “But they certainly cannot expect him to subjugate his policy aims to these beliefs.”

Carney suggested that critics “may want to reexamine the issue. Does the Bible explicitly prohibit birth control, or for that matter, abortion? I don't recall ever having read that Jesus gave any commandments on these matters. I think His wish was for us to love our neighbors. He didn't say not to use measures to prevent or terminate unwanted pregnancies that might result from this neighborly love.”

Barring a reexamination of faith, Carney conceded that “those who are truly opposed to the President's mandate have the option of trying to overturn it by electing someone else in November. Surely this is a less frightening task than the martyrdom endured by the earliest Christians. So, please, no more whining.”

Secret Service Granted Broad Censorship Authority

The Federal Restricted Buildings and Grounds Improvement Act of 2011 signed into law last week by President Obama allows the Secret Service to determine what kind of speech may be permitted in proximity to the President and other government officials qualified for Secret Service protection.

“Most people are probably familiar with our role as protectors of the President against would-be assassins,” said Secret Service spokesman Elroy Hood. “But assassins aren't the only ones who pose a threat. Vocal opponents damage the image the government is trying to project and can undermine its authority every bit as much as an attempt on the President's life.”

Hood hastened to point out that “not all speech is prohibited. Demonstrations in support of the government help advance the President's agenda. We don't want to discourage that.”

To be on the safe side, those wishing to avoid arrest are advised to check in with the Secret Service ahead of time to have signs and banners reviewed and approved. They are also counseled to police their members to prevent any untoward outbursts in the presence of the President or other officers of the government.

Vice-President Lauds Obama's “Spine of Steal”

In written remarks distributed before a campaign speech to the United Auto Workers Union, Vice-President Joe Biden praised President Obama's courage for bailing out General Motors and Chrysler.

“Where others might have been deterred by property rights or contracts, President Obama charged in, unafraid,” Biden remembered. “He put your jobs, your interests ahead of all else.”

Biden urged union members to keep this in mind come election day. “Some may put their trust in the law,” Biden said. “But I say having a guy you can trust at the wheel trumps anything that might be written down in a statute book or constitution. There is no substitute for having the right man in the right place at the right time. President Obama is that man. He's got a spine of steal. Know that nothing can stop him from imposing his will when he feels justice demands it.”

Obama Takes Credit for Thwarting Runaway Oil Drilling

President Obama's efforts to blunt the political disadvantage of rising gasoline prices took both a zig and a zag this past week.

In an attempt to provide a contrast with the growing popularity of the GOP's “drill here, drill now” pitch, Obama promised he would “never allow the 'gluttons of greed' to drill in your back yard or your front yard, no matter how hard they push for it.”

To prevent gasoline prices from surging over the summer, as many have predicted, the President has ordered the release of oil from the nation's strategic reserve. Conceived as insurance against the loss of access to oil due to actions by hostile governments, the reserves would be deployed to fend off possible electoral defeat.

“Threats aren't confined to external parties,” Obama pointed out. “There are those within our borders claiming they are loyal Americans, yet determined to bring down the present government. In their hands, rising fuel prices are as potent a weapon as anything that could be mustered by the likes of Iran or al-Qaeda.”

Releases from the strategic reserve would only be required for the next eight months or so.

New Flag Being Test Marketed

Concerned that the current version of the American flag may be out-dated, Democratic Party officials have been trying out a new design in selected locations. If you would like to order one to display at your home or place of business call 678-653-5247.