Obama
Press Secretary Says GOP Is Politicizing Election
President
Obama's Press Secretary Jay Carney lashed out at the GOP for
“politicizing the upcoming elections.” “They're trying to
exploit so-called scandals and policy failures for political gain,”
Carney complained.
The
scandals referenced by Carney included the sexploits of the Secret
Service in Columbia and lavish parties thrown by the General Services
Administration (GSA).
“These
things aren't the President's fault,” Carney insisted.
“Historically, the role of the Secret Service has been to cover up
the President's illicit sexual liaisons, not engage in their own.
What would've happened to President Kennedy or Clinton if their
bodyguards had been as self-serving as those assigned to President
Obama?”
“As for
the GSA, the biggest scandalous party didn't even cost a million
dollars,” Carney pointed out. “It didn't amount to a hill of
beans in a budget that's over a trillion dollars in the red. Besides,
abusing the expense account is one of the perks of the job. And let's
not forget that every dollar spent helps stimulate the economy. So is
what they are doing really such a bad thing?”
“Even
more absurd is the implication that there have been significant
policy failures,” Carney added. “The premise that high
unemployment, high gas prices, and high deficits are undesirable is
mistaken. These are necessary steps on the path to the social
transformation the President promised voters in 2008.”
Carney
characterized the “negativity toward the President as disloyalty
bordering on treason. It's one thing to run for office. I mean, we
wouldn't have much of a democracy if there was only one candidate on
the ballot. But tearing down what he's trying to do goes beyond the
pro forma requirements of the democratic process.”
In
related news, House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) urged the
President's critics to reconsider. “You know, the President has
been so patient and respectful toward these people,” Pelosi
contended. “They should remember that it is in his power to have
them jailed or even killed if he deems them a threat to the
government.”
Pundit
Asks “Would Dumping the First African-American President Be
Racist?”
MSNBC's
Chris Matthews wondered whether it would be racist for voters to oust
Barack Obama from the presidency.
“When he
was running in 2008 there was some speculation that not voting for
him could be construed as racist,” Matthews remembered. “Then he
was only a candidate with little political experience. Now, though,
he has three plus years as president under his belt. He has the
executive experience he lacked in 2008. And incumbents are generally
reelected. If he gets bounced by someone who has no presidential
experience wouldn't that be even more racist?”
Matthews
further suggested that “to judge him by white standards seems
inappropriate. The whole notion that a person ought to excel or
achieve—isn't that what people of color call 'acting white?'
Shouldn't breaking this stereotype be one of the objectives of
America's first non-white Chief Executive? I mean, compared to other
African-Americans hasn't Obama done quite well? He's not on drugs.
He's not in jail. He's head-and-shoulders above his racial peers.
Isn't that a record deserving of a second term?”
Democrats
Propose Constitutional Amendment
Convinced
that unfettered freedom of speech is destroying our democracy,
congressional Democrats are proposing that the First Amendment of the
US Constitution be, itself, amended.
“As it
stands right now, the Constitution says that Congress shall make no
law abridging freedom of speech,” complained Representative Jim
McGovern (D-Mass), co-sponsor of the proposed amendment. “Well, we
want to make a law, we need to make a law that puts clamps on
unwarranted criticism of the government.”
The
proposed amendment is seen as necessary to protect the pending
DISCLOSE Act from possibly being overturned by the Supreme Court.
This Act would require that anyone criticizing the government be
compelled to identify themselves. “Too many people think they
should be able to anonymously contradict, ridicule, or otherwise
contest the official policies of the government,” said amendment
co-sponsor Representative Donna Edwards (D-Md). “This type of
cowardly attack on authority is not what our nation's founders
envisioned.”
The
proposed amendment would strike the total ban on Congressional
suppression of free speech and replace it with a conditional one
granting Congress the power to abridge speech “when deemed
necessary.”
Governor
Says Polygamist Past May Hamper Romney Presidential Bid
Montana
Governor Brian Schweitzer (D) says that the fact that Mitt Romney's
father was the son of a polygamist may cause voters to question his
suitability to be president.
“It's my
impression that polygamy might not be too popular with women voters,”
Schweitzer mused. “Do they really want to put a man who's only two
generations removed from that abhorrent practice in the White House?”
Schweitzer
dismissed the fact that President Barack Obama, Jr's namesake—Barack
Obama, Sr.—was also the son of a polygamist, calling it
“irrelevant.” “Look, Obama's father isn't known for certain,”
Schweitzer argued. “No one's seen a genuine birth certificate. So,
there's no proof that the Obama from Kenya after whom he's named is
his actual father. And even if he is, he was the product of a much
more primitive culture. So, it would be unfair to hold President
Obama to the same standards we might apply to his opponents.”
Gains
for Leisure Class May Boost Obama Reelection Chances
A record
5.4 million former workers and their dependents have signed up to
receive federal disability payments since Obama took office. At 6% of
the potential workforce now, the ratio of persons on disability has
more than doubled since the Reagan Administration. Add this to the
70% increase in the number of persons getting food stamps since 2007
and it is clear that the 2008 election of Barack Obama may be
ushering in some transformative changes in the way Americans live.
“The
notion that people want to work is the flaw in Republican thinking,”
said Obama adviser David Axelrod. “Work is a disutility. People
only put up with it under the belief that it is necessary in order to
live. But what if we can change that belief? The strides that the
President and Congress have made toward liberating a growing portion
of our population from the drudgery of slaving for a living ought to
be reflected in how people vote.”
Axelrod
acknowledged that “we can never liberate 100% of the population
from the burdens of labor, but the closer we can get to that figure
the better off we'll be as a society. Freed of the daily grind
imposed upon them by corporate taskmasters, more and more Americans
will be able to reach a higher plane of self-actualization.”
President
Weighing Pardon
President
Obama is said to be weighing whether to pardon Amanda Clayton.
Clayton was recently arrested for continuing to accept federal
assistance after she won a million dollars in the Michigan state
lottery.
Michigan
Attorney General Bill Schuette argued that “it should be common
sense that if you've got a million dollars you aren't entitled to
welfare. Welfare is for people who are poor.”
The
President is said to consider Schuette's actions discriminatory. “If
Warren Buffett won the lottery he wouldn't be expected to forfeit his
other income,” Obama observed. “Rich as he is, he would be
allowed to keep both. Why then, shouldn't Miss Clayton be allowed to
keep her other source of income?”
First
Lady Touts Husband's God-Like Quality
Searching
for a persuasive theme for President Obama's reelection campaign
hasn't been easy. First Lady Michelle Obama described her difficult
quest for “a meaningful way to convey the message that we must
reelect my husband as president.”
“I was
listening to this radio show where a caller was asking Ted Nugent if
he would be supporting my husband's reelection,” Michelle recalled.
“When I heard him say 'Jesus Christ, Obama?' I knew we had our
strategy.”
“Think
about it,” Michelle urged. “My husband has brought this country
out of the dark and into the light. Isn't that what Jesus would do?
How could any good person vote against that?”
In related
news, it was revealed that Mrs Obama had listed her two daughters
Malia (aged 13) and Sasha (aged 10) as “senior staffers” on a
$400,000 trip to South Africa and Botswana. Michelle explained, “In
the sense that they are part of the First Family they are, in effect,
'senior' to everyone else in America. So, no, I don't think that it
was misleading of me to use that designation for the trip.”
The First
Lady also dismissed critics' complaints about the cost of the trip
“In the eyes of the world, we are America,” Michelle maintained.
“So, everything America has is rightfully ours to do with as we
please. In this context, the $400,000 was far less than we could've
spent. We are not getting credit for the remarkable restraint we are
exercising considering.”
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