EPA
Official Regrets Remarks
Environmental
Protection Agency (EPA) Region 6 administrator Al Armendariz
apologized for boasting that the Obama Administration's approach
toward environmental enemies was to “crucify them.” Armendariz
attributed his remarks to his misunderstanding of the scope of the
President's authority.
“While
it is agreed that the President is empowered to kill those he deems a
threat, I have been advised by the Attorney General that actually
crucifying them would be construed as 'cruel and unusual,'”
Armendariz said. “Only more covert methods are currently approved.”
Armendariz
acknowledged “the President's right to impose whatever restrictions
he sees fit. After all, he is our ruler. I have to think, though,
that a more demonstrative display of the consequences of opposing the
President's agenda would be more effective as a deterrent. I mean,
crucifixion was a very effective enforcement tool for the Romans.
Since their empire lasted a thousand years I wouldn't be so quick to
disdain their methods.”
EPA
Administrator Lisa Jackson further clarified Armendariz's statement,
insisting that “the crucifixion we had in mind was never a literal
duplication of the Roman practice. Bankrupting the businesses and
destroying the reputations of those we deem responsible for polluting
the environment is as far as we intend to go at this time.”
Department
of Labor Backs Down
The
Department of Labor announced that it was withdrawing its proposed
rule banning the employment of persons younger than 16 years of age
on farms.
“There
are many hazards in agricultural work,” observed Secretary of Labor
Hilda Solis. “Dangerous machines, sharp tools, and large animals
pose a threat to those working in this environment. Our aim was to
protect children from being injured or worse. We had no idea that
farm families routinely call upon their minor children to participate
in undertaking the tasks of running the family business.”
An
outpouring of opposition to the proposed new rule from the farming
community was what persuaded the Department to reverse itself. “The
message seems to be that engaging one's own children in such
dangerous work is both an economic necessity and a way to train the
next generation to take over the business,” Solis acknowledged. “I
suppose if we are going to have family-owned farms this is necessary.
But given the hazards, we might want to think more seriously about
restructuring the industry. It seems there would be considerable
economies-of-scale from consolidating the current hodgepodge of
individually owned farming units into larger collective or communal
operations.”
First
Family's Lavish Vacations Defended
Since
President Barack Obama assumed office the First Family has racked up
a total of 17 vacations. This is nearly five times the number of
excursions taken by a typical American family over that time span.
Costs are also a sore point. One trip to Spain hit up taxpayers for
almost $500,000.
The high
costs are not really the Obamas' fault explained First Lady Michelle.
“It's only because Barack is the President that the cost is so
high,” she argued. “We are hostages to the office. Everywhere we
go we have to be accompanied by an entourage of bodyguards and
personal assistants. We can't just book a commercial flight and rent
a car like common people do. Get used to it—expensive travel comes
with the territory.”
As for the
seemingly large number of trips, Michelle pointed out that “a
person is only President for eight years. We're just trying to cram
in as much as we can in this limited amount of time. We'd be fools
not to take advantage of this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.”
Dem
Says High Unemployment Will Help Party “Cruise to Victory”
The normal
expectation would be that high unemployment would hurt the President
and his fellow Democrats come the November elections. “Not so,”
says Representative Chaka Fattah (D-PA). “Every person who's
unemployed or on welfare knows that it's the Democrats who will look
out for them.” Fattah asserted.
“The
flaw in the GOP's reasoning is the mistaken notion that putting more
people to work is what voters want,” Fattah said. “What everyone
wants is a paycheck. They'll work for it if they have to. But getting
one without being forced to work for it is the type of total freedom
that the Democratic Party has stood for the last 80 years.”
“Freedom
of speech and freedom of religion get a lot of publicity, but I would
guess that freedom from toil is a benefit more prized by your average
American,” Fattah contended. “Our Party is the one that
recognizes that. Our Party is the one voters can trust to deliver
it.”
In support
of his case, Fattah credited Democrats for relieving 50% of the
population from paying federal income taxes. “If we add the 8%
who're unemployed to the 50% who're exempt from paying taxes I think
we have the makings of a Democratic landslide next November.”
Congressman
Groped by TSA Agent
Representative
Francisco Canseco (R-Texas) took offense when a Transportation
Security Administration (TSA) agent grabbed his penis during a
“routine” pat down at the San Antonio Airport. The Congressman's
effort to push the agent's hand aside was characterized as “an
assault” that “impeded security protocols” by Homeland Security
Secretary Janet Napolitano. Charges may be pending.
“Nothing
must be allowed to interfere with our efforts to keep this nation
secure from threats,” Napolitano said. “It is essential that
everyone fully comply with the procedures of the TSA. Thorough
searches of sensitive areas are essential. To put them off-limits
would be to invite terrorists to conceal weapons there. Patriotic
Americans would willingly put aside any notions of personal privacy
for the sake of public safety.”
Napolitano
denied that the State Department's recent declaration that the war on
terror is over should affect TSA procedures. “I've said many times
that al-Qaeda is not the only threat we face,” Napolitano
declared. “In my opinion, there are much greater threats coming
from home-grown opponents of our government. As we speak, groups are
organizing efforts to unseat the President. I think we must remain
vigilant.”
DNC
Chair Denies Need for Budget
It has
been three years since Congressional Democrats have passed a budget.
Annual efforts by the Republican-controlled House to get a budget
enacted have been blocked by the Democrat-controlled Senate.
Democratic
National Committee (DNC) Chairperson, Representative Debbie
Wasserman-Schultz (Fla) insisted that “the absence of a budget
isn't the President's fault. He's given us two budgets in the last
two years. He can't be blamed if Republicans won't go along.”
Neither of
Obama's two budgets received a single vote from any member of
congress from either party. Wasserman-Schultz was unable to explain
this total lack of support. She speculated that “I may have stepped
out of the room when those votes were taken.”
“Anyway,
budgets are unnecessary,” Wasserman-Schultz added. “The
government has been running fine without one. Taxes continue to flow
in. We've been able to spend more money than ever before. So why mess
up a good thing?”
Wasserman-Schultz
discounted the possibility that Republicans could use this as a
winning campaign issue. “Voters aren't interested in these kind of
things,” she claimed. “As long as we keep them fed and amused why
should they care about how we keep the books?”
Public
School Bill Assailed by Union
The Nevada
State Education Association took exception to proposed legislation
aimed at improving public school teaching. In Nevada, teachers who
complete one year on the job are granted tenure and are virtually
immune from dismissal. Under the proposed bill (AB225) a teacher
could be dismissed after three years of poor performance.
This new
performance standard is a violation of teachers' human rights says
Lynn Warne, president of the Nevada State Education Association. “The
expectation has been that once you clear that first year you have a
secure job,” Warne said. “Teachers have planned their lives based
on this expectation. To rip it away from them, ex post facto
like this isn't right.”
Warne also
argued that the legislation is discriminatory. “Other government
employees in Nevada have a similar tenure type system,” she
maintained. “When a person can't do the job they don't get fired.
The government just hires another person to take up the slack. Why do
you think the number of employees has grown faster than the amount of
actual services the state delivers? Unless they're going to level
this playing field it would be unfair to single out under-performing
teachers.”
Ms. Warne
declined to address the issue of the rights of students whose
education might be damaged by poor teaching, saying “that is not my
concern. I represent the teachers not the students. If students want
representation they should form their own union.”
Opinion • More about 
Opinion • More about 
