Obama
Autobiography Revealed to Be Mostly Fictitious
President
Obama's putative autobiography—Dreams from My Father—is
apparently mostly “made up stuff.” Nonexistent characters and
imaginary events comprise the bulk of the content. The only verified
content seems to be that the President was alive during the years
depicted and that he must, therefore, have had a father—even though
precisely who that might have been hasn't been confirmed.
Press
Secretary Jay Carney rebuffed criticism that the President's book is
a work of fiction. “Look, the title says it all,” Carney
defensively asserted. “It's pretty tame compared to my dreams. It
has no space aliens, no naked clowns, and no spankings. It could've
been a lot more lurid. I think we ought to give the President credit
for being a lot more modest liar than most of us would be under
similar circumstances.”
In
other circles, the autobiography's lack of connection to reality is
being hailed as another sign of Obama's genius. “Most people would
be hard pressed to write a factual account of their own lives,”
declared MSNBC's Chris Matthews. “Yet, here we have a man that was
able to create an alternate reality using only the power of his own
mind. Reelecting him for another four year term would fall far short
of what we ought to be doing. We ought to be begging him to stay on
for life to rule over us like one of Plato's philosopher kings.”
President
Warns Court on Obamacare Ruling
President
Barack Obama sought to ward off the possibility of the US Supreme
Court invalidating his signature health care legislation by promising
“severe consequences will ensue should they make that mistake.”
One of the
“severe consequences” the President said he is contemplating is
“to wreak havoc on the elderly by disrupting Medicare in a way that
will torment this vulnerable segment of the population.”
On a more
personal level. Obama threatened to diminish the status of the
sitting Justices by appointing additional members to the Court. “The
Constitution doesn't say there should by nine judges on the Supreme
Court,” Obama pointed out. “Nineteen would be an equally
constitutional number. How would they like to see their votes
diluted? How would they like to have to share office space?”
The
President was unfazed by former President Franklin Roosevelt's
failure in his attempt to expand the number of Justices during his
administration. “FDR's mistake was that he asked Congress to
legislate an increase in the number of judges,” Obama said. “Even
though Democrats controlled both houses, divergent views and
competing egos blocked his effort. I won't make that mistake. I will
simply issue an Executive Order expanding the size of the Court on my
own authority as the duly elected ruler of this nation.”
Pelosi
Calls for End to Raids on Marijuana Producers and Distributors
Taking an
uncharacteristic stand in favor of “states' rights,” House
Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) beseeched President Obama to
put an end to federal efforts to impede the production, distribution,
and use of marijuana in states where it is legal.
“I know
how important it is to the President to establish the absolute
supremacy of the federal government in all matters,” Pelosi
conceded. “I share that goal. Nevertheless, we can't allow
ourselves to lose sight of the fact that marijuana users are a prime
constituency of the Democratic Party. So, while I'd normally say
'screw states' rights,' in this case I think we have a rationale for
making an exception that can work in our favor.”
California
voters legalized the use of marijuana for medicinal purposes in a
1996 initiative. Since then users abiding by state law have still
been exposed to criminal sanctions under federal law. The Obama
Administration has continued federal action to suppress marijuana use
in California and other states despite a 2008 pre-election promise to
end this practice. Attorney General Eric Holder explained that “those
who want us to look the other way know what they've got to do. So
far, they just haven't held up their side of the bargain.”
Administration
Wants Easier Access to Cell Phone Records
The Obama
Administration is demanding Congress pass legislation granting law
enforcement greater access to personal cell phone records.
“Right
now we have to show probable cause to obtain a warrant for these
kinds of records,” complained Deputy Assistant Attorney General
Jason Weinstein. “This demands that we must present some evidence
that we have reason to believe a crime has been or will be committed
before we can get a judge to issue that warrant. This standard is too
strict.”
Weinstein
argued that “a broader, more general authority to scrutinize cell
phone activity would help us uncover crimes and other undesirable
behavior that we'd otherwise miss” while simultaneously downplaying
fears of an invasion of privacy. “If people aren't doing anything
wrong, why should they care if law enforcement knows what they're up
to?” Weinstein asked. “Besides, cell phone calls are transmitted
through the people's airways. As the representative of the people,
government has a responsibility to see that these airways are not
misused. No one forces a person to use a cell phone. If he does I
think he voluntarily cedes his right to privacy.”
Bid
to Capture Women's Votes Intensifies
Already
leading in the polls when it comes to women's votes, the Obama
campaign laid out a bold plan to seal the deal with a short film
called the “Life of Julia.” In the film, the government is
portrayed as Julia's omnipresent caregiver and overseer.
“Both
psychology and our polling data indicate that the thing women want
most is to be taken care of,” said Obama campaign adviser David
Axelrod. “Sadly, the traditional method of achieving this
objective—being part of a loving family as a daughter, wife,
mother, etc.--is defective. What we're offering is for the government
to slip in and substitute for the roles that would traditionally be
played by fathers and husbands.”
“Government
has more resources at its disposal than any individual man could
bring to his family,” Axelrod bragged. “Government is immortal
and ubiquitous. A woman would never have to worry about it becoming
unemployed or asking for a divorce. She wouldn't have to cook it
meals, wash its socks, or put up with tiresome demands for sex or
affection. If we can effectively communicate these facts we feel
confident that the vast majority of women will vote Democrat this
November.”
Warren
Campaign Hits Road Bump
Democrat
Elizabeth Warren, candidate for the Massachusetts senate seat now
held by Republican Scott Brown, saw her campaign hit rough going over
her claimed Native American ancestry.
Not only
is the highly diluted nature of her claim (by her own account, she is
one-thirty-second Native American) dogging her, but her boast that
her great-great-great grandfather killed and scalped General Custer
at the Battle of the Little Big Horn in 1876 hasn't gone over as well
as she had hoped.
Warren
speculated that the negative reaction stems from sexism. “When
Senator Kerry cut the ears off of the Viet Cong he killed he was
considered a big war hero,” Warren declared. “And everybody's
praising the President for killing bin Laden. Is it because I'm a
woman that I can't get the same kind of respect?”
Russia
Weighing Preemptive Strike
Charging
that NATO's anti-missile system poses a threat to its “strategic
flexibility,” Moscow says it reserves the right to initiate a
preemptive attack. Russian Chief of General Staff Nikolai Makarov
says he isn't buying the United States' contention that the system is
purely defensive in nature.
“The
Americans say that their anti-missiles would only be deployed against
incoming missiles,” Makarov observed. “But this in itself is
offensive. Russia's security may require a surprise first strike.
American efforts to blunt such an option would fundamentally
undermine our strategic planning.”
Makarov's
remarks were described as “incredibly poorly timed” by the Obama
Administration. “Medvedev personally assured me that he would put a
lid on this kind of rhetoric until after November,” Obama
complained. “I thought I'd made it clear to him that his country's
needs would be met after I secured my reelection. Coming from a place
where elections are just for show, I guess he doesn't realize the
trouble this causes me.”
City
Warns Victims of Vandalism
San
Francisco businesses whose windows were broken by “Occupy”
protesters and whose subsequently boarded-up buildings were
spray-painted with graffiti by local hoodlums were advised by city
officials that they would be fined $500 a day if “the facilities
are not put in acceptable condition within 30 days.”
“Rules
are rules,” said Otto Lawless, head of the City's Zoning
Enforcement Division. “I have to do my job. Can you imagine how
decrepit and dilapidated our city would look if I didn't.”
Lawless
said the affected businesses who feel that the police could've done
more to protect their property in the first place “should quit
their whining. Vandalism is just one of the costs of doing business
in the city. Those who don't want to pay for it always have the
option to get out of town.”
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