DOJ
Orders Florida to Cease Voter Purge
The Obama
Administration's Department of Justice told Florida election
officials that they must halt their efforts to purge non-citizens
from the State's voter registration rolls.
T.
Christian Herren Jr., the DOJ’s lead civil rights lawyer, pointed
out that “inasmuch as the vast majority of the non-citizens voting
in Florida are illegal immigrants from Latin America this purging
exercise would have a disproportionate impact on a protected
minority. Thus, the purge violates both the 1965 Voting Rights Act
and the 1993 National Voter Registration Act.”
Florida
officials were warned that “failure to comply with this
cease-and-desist order may require the Department of Justice to
oversee and possibly put aside subsequent election results from your
state until federal authorities can make the appropriate adjustments
to offset the discriminatory impacts caused by the purge.”
NYC
Mayor Explains Seemingly Contradictory Diet Stance
After
embarking on an initiative that would ban the sale of soft drinks
larger than 16 ounces in New York City, Mayor Michael Bloomberg took
time out of his busy schedule to issue a proclamation honoring the
75th National Donut Day at Madison Square Park, where the
largest box of Entenmann’s Donuts ever created was unveiled.
“It's
not like I'm saying that donuts are good for you while Coke is not,”
Bloomberg explained. “Both are foods that the average person ought
to steer clear of if he can. However, donuts are one of the mainstays
of the City's police force. Under the terms of our contract with the
police union we are barred from taking any action that would impede
any officer's access to them. Signing this proclamation is meant to
build good will between the City and the Union. Besides, I like
donuts.”
Candidate
Admits to Lie, Offers to Do “Community Service”
Massachusetts
Democratic senate candidate Elizabeth Warren admitted that she
falsely claimed Native American status in order to advance her
academic career at Harvard Law School—a felony under current law.
Warren's admission comes after weeks of denying that she had anything
to do with the school's classification of her as a “woman of
color.” Warren could be sent to prison for up to five years if
convicted for her attempt to gain benefits by falsely claiming Native
American status.
Warren
followed this admission of guilt with a demand that her opponent,
Senator Scott Brown (R), apologize for trying to take unfair
advantage of a minor mistake that occurred so long ago. “This
practice of picking apart a person's words looking for every little
misstep demonstrates sexism at its worst,” Warren contended. “I
was young. I was battling gender bias. I didn't do anything that any
other woman wouldn't have done.”
The
candidate dubbed “Fauxcahontas” and “Lieawatha” by her
detractors tried to make the case that the appropriate punishment for
her felony would be a stint of community service. “I think the best
way for me to do penance for my little 'white lie' would be to serve
six years in the US Senate,” Warren suggested. “I'd be an
underpaid, overworked public servant dedicated to righting the wrongs
that people like Scott Brown have been perpetrating on this country
since its founding.”
A planned
protest by Cherokees at the Democratic State Convention in
Springfield Massachusetts was labeled “misguided” by Warren.
“Regardless of how they may feel about my previous claims, I think
these Indians have to admit that the attention I've brought to the
issue of Native American rights has been a big plus,” Warren
argued. “More people are focused on this oppressed minority now
than have been for a 100 years. I'm not getting the credit I'm due
for what I've done for them just by being who I am.”
In related
news, Warren received the endorsement of Massachusetts Governor Deval
Patrick, who called her “the best representative of Democratic
values seen in this state since the passing of Senator Kennedy.”
Obama
Apologizes for, Defends Bush Presidential Portrait
The
unveiling of the official portrait of former President George W. Bush
at the White House provided an occasion for current President Barack
Obama to say a few words for the media.
“As we
all know, former President Bush bears the lion's share of the
responsibility for the country's current mess,” Obama declared.
“His tax cuts are responsible for the humongous deficits we now
face. His failure to kill bin Laden besmirched our nation's
international reputation for the entire eight years of his tenure in
office. We must never forget or forgive the harm Mr. Bush has done to
every human being on the planet.”
“I know
there are those out there who question whether it is proper to
include a portrait of such a miscreant among his many honored
predecessors,” the President continued. “I share their sense of
outrage. However, we must accept that the portrait of every past
president—the good, the bad, and the ugly—is needed to ensure
that we have a complete set. If Russia can include a portrait of the
murderous Stalin next to the visionary Lenin in its array, we can
certainly allow a somewhat less despicable Bush in ours.”
In related
news, Obama refused to allow Lech Walesa, the Polish hero would stood
up to communism and helped free his country from Soviet domination,
to accept the Medal of Freedom on behalf of Jan Karski, a member of
the Polish Underground during World War II who was being honored
posthumously. “To allow Mr. Walesa to stand in for Karski would
send the wrong message,” the President maintained. “During World
War II the Soviet Union was our ally. Walesa worked against the
Soviets, albeit in the 1980s. Permitting him to substitute for Karski
would have insulted our Russian friends.”
Democrats
Defend Sex-Selection Abortion
House
Democrats voted overwhelmingly against the Prenatal Nondiscrimination
Act (H.R. 3541), killing this legislation's chances for passing in
the current session of Congress. The bill would've barred doctors
from performing abortions for the sole purpose of preventing the
birth of a child of an unwanted gender.
Representative
Sheila Jackson-Lee (D-Texas) characterized the bill as “yet another
attempt to impose the shackles of the anti-choice lobby on the
personal liberties of women. The Court gave women the right to
terminate pregnancies in 1973. The Court didn't say women could only
do it for good reasons. They don't have to give any reason. It's
their right—period! Congress has no business interfering.”
Representative
Judy Chu (D-Calif) called the bill “especially insulting to women
of Asian descent. A cultural or personal preference for male children
is an inalienable right under our Constitution. Now that we have the
technology to ascertain a baby's gender in advance of its birth, it
would be oppressive for the government to prevent women from using it
in their pursuit of happiness—something our Constitution also
guarantees.”
The
legislation was similarly opposed by the White House. White House
deputy press secretary Jamie Smith said that “admittedly, we all
know that the vast majority of those aborted for this reason will be
girls. As the father of two lovely daughters, the President is hurt
that any prospective parent would cruelly terminate a child based
solely on the knowledge that it is female. However, a woman's right
to freely choose whether to bear a child is one the he holds sacred.
No law can be permitted to infringe upon this right.”
Labor
Secretary Asks Media to Be More Discreet with Jobless Figures
Labor
Secretary Hilda Solis called the repeated reports of high
unemployment and new jobless claims “demoralizing,” and asked
that the media be more discreet.
“Look,
we're fighting a war against the worst economic conditions this
country has seen in 75 years,” Solis said. “Sure, there are going
to be casualties in this war, but do the media have to harp on them
every week? Don't they realize that they're undermining our efforts
to win this war?”
Solis drew
a parallel with how the media's handling of the rising body-counts
undermined the country's willingness to fight to win in Vietnam.
“Even though enemy casualties were ten times as high, the way that
Walter Cronkite was telling it, it looked like we were losing,”
Solis remembered. “That losing impression became a losing reality
by sapping the public's confidence.”
“All
we're asking is that everyone get behind the President in this battle
to revive our economy,” Solis requested. “A more balanced
approach in reporting on unemployment would help. I mean, a person
might lose his job, but let's not forget that he gains more leisure
time. That means more time to spend with his family. More time to
pursue his hobbies. It's not a tale of unending woe. There are
offsetting gains.”
The Labor
Secretary suggested that “stories showing unemployed moms coaching
soccer teams, or unemployed dads enjoying fly-fishing would be a
tonic to public morale. Building the public's morale is a job that
the media are well-positioned to accomplish. I hope we can count on
them to do it voluntarily.”
White
House Insists No Apology Required for “Polish Death Camp” Remarks
Press
Secretary Jay Carney said “the President will not be apologizing.
The fact of the matter is that the most infamous of the death
camps—Auschwitz, for one—were located in Poland. These camps may
have been run by the Nazis, but the Polish Government did nothing to
stop them. It's long past the time that they should have acknowledged
their role in that war atrocity.”
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