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John Semmens
SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News
08-24-2012 

John Semmens
More About: Humor

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News August 26, 2012 Edition


 

Dems Reject Cardinal's Offer

The Obama campaign rejected an offer from Cardinal Timothy Dolan to deliver a prayer at the Democratic National Convention in September. As head of the Archdiocese of New York and president of the Conference of Catholic Bishops, Dolan is considered the top Catholic official in the US.

The offer was refused because “this nation is in a desperate struggle between good and evil,” said Obama campaign spokesman Adam Fetcher. “It is imperative that those who care about the outcome take a credible stand. We can no longer tolerate the type of amoral straddle Dolan is trying to pull off.”

The “straddle” appears to be Dolan's agreement to deliver a prayer at the Republican National Convention next week. Dolan’s spokesman, Joseph Zwilling, explained that the Cardinal's offer was “an assurance that his role at the Republican convention is not intended to be partisan.”

Fetcher wasn't buying Zwilling's explanation. “An even-handed willingness to pray for this country's enemies sends voters the wrong message,” Fetcher argued. “We cannot allow Dolan's fundamentally seditious actions to undermine the essential truth of the Democratic Party's crusade to save America.”

As an example of the Cardinal's “seditious actions,” Fetcher cited his prayer that Hurricane Isaac not disrupt the Republican convention. “We need to do everything we can to ensure that evil doesn't win,” Fetcher insisted. “Bad weather in Tampa would be helpful in that regard. As we can see, though, Dolan's not on the same page.”

Chicago Planning to Whip Employees into Shape

Employees of the City of Chicago are being given the opportunity to voluntarily sign up for a new “wellness” program. Those who don't sign up will be assessed a $600/year penalty—a protocol remarkably similar to the “tax” levied by the IRS on those who fail to purchase insurance under Obamacare.

Mayor Rahm Emanuel praised the program saying “it will change lives. Left on their own, too many people degenerate into massive blobs of flab. It is our job to see that this doesn't happen.”

The program will require employees to go through a physical and mental health assessment, comply with mandatory annual check-ups and immunizations, and participate in a prescribed exercise regimen.

Emanuel characterized the program as “a first step. Ideally, everyone, not just City employees, should participate. This will give us an opportunity to pilot test a new, healthier lifestyle for all.”

The program's resemblance to military boot camp is not coincidental. “Those opposed to good health are deriding this program as some sort of 'boot camp,'” Emanuel said. “I say so what? In the Army, out-of-shape weaklings are turned into physically fit fighting machines. Recruits may chafe under the training, but is there any question they're better off for it?”

Inasmuch as the death toll from shootings in Chicago exceeds that for US troops in Afghanistan maybe City residents should be trained for combat.

McCaskill Urges Akin to Stay in Race

Embattled GOP senatorial candidate Todd Akin received some words of encouragement from his opponent, sitting Senator Claire McCaskill (D-Mo).

I know a lot of people have been urging him to bow out,” McCaskill observed. “But really, why should he? Look, he's obviously confused about biology. As the President said, he must have missed science class. But there are worse things to be confused about.”

A worse thing to be confused about is ethics,” McCaskill went on. “President Obama, for example, opposes giving aid to aborted babies that survive the procedure. I mean, once the child is outside the mother how does it harm her health to save its life? I think the President is on pretty weak ethical ground here. Yet, I don't hear anyone calling for him to bow out of the presidential race.”

McCaskill suggested that “voters might want to consider splitting their ballots. They could do the ethical thing by voting against the President's reelection and the smart thing by denying the intellectually challenged Akin's bid to unseat me.”

DOJ Seeks to Hire More People with Mental Problems

The Department of Justice, responding to an Executive Order issued by President Obama, issued a memo to all sections encouraging them to hire more persons with “targeted disabilities.” Among the disabilities targeted are people with “severe intellectual disability,” “psychiatric disability” and other “current severe physical, intellectual or mental conditions.”

Attorney General Eric Holder defended the Order saying that “the President doesn't just talk the talk, he also walks the walk. From his selection of Joe Biden to be his running mate President Obama has taken a strong stand on behalf of the rights of the mentally disabled. It is his belief that for a democracy to be truly representative it has to draw from every segment of the population. Does this mean that the deranged and the stupid must be given their fair share of the responsibilities of governing the nation? Yes, it does.”

For his part, Biden embraced his role as “poster boy” for the mentally impaired, boasting that “the President be puttin' us all back in chairs.”

In related news, Vice-President Biden blamed Republicans for mortgage foreclosures. According to Biden, Republicans in Congress are blocking the Administration's plan to forgive all mortgage debt. “Here we have a cost-free solution to provide free homes to everyone, but can't get cooperation from the GOP,” Biden complained. “Our message to the middle class is simple, if you're tired of having to pay your mortgage vote Democrat.” Biden said he was confident that “a reelected President Obama would have the mandate to bypass Congress and enact mortgage forgiveness by Executive Order.”

Jesse Jackson Lambastes Republican Class Warfare

The Reverend Jesse Jackson laid into the GOP for “fomenting class warfare,” insisting that the “Romney/Ryan idea that people should be allowed to keep what they earn is divisive.”

The way to unite all classes is to put everything into a common pot and dole out shares based on need,” Jackson maintained. “This is the basic Democratic plan. This election, voters are facing the biggest choice of their lifetimes. Do we go backward toward a selfish, every man for himself system as the Republicans want? Or do we move forward toward a new tomorrow of equality and sharing as President Obama wants?”

Jackson argued that “Romney wants to run this country like a business. Feasibility, affordability, and return on investment are his litmus tests. Obama wants to run this country like a family. Love is his litmus test.”

The question voters should be asking themselves is do they want a 'boss' who demands that they go to work, evaluates their performance, and only gives rewards to those who do their jobs?” Jackson asked. “Or do they want a 'dad' who lets them have another piece of pie and stay up late to watch their favorite TV show because he loves them? We’ll know in November.”

Book Barometer Misleading Says Obama Campaign

Statistics on book sales at Amazon show that conservative titles are out-selling liberal titles by a 56% to 44% margin. Fearing that this may create the impression that conservative ideas are winning, Obama campaign adviser David Axelrod cautioned that “we not leap to unwarranted conclusions based on these numbers.”

Reading is an activity favored by intellectually curious and verbally oriented people,” Axelrod argued. “This is neither a majority of the population nor a strong Democratic demographic. It does not represent the sizable contingent of persons who respond emotively to more pictographic stimuli.”

Axelrod pointed out that “since the more viscerally inclined segments of the population that have been the foundation of the Democratic Party's base do not buy or read books we are not surprised by the Amazon data. We are confident that come election day this vastly larger cohort will overwhelm the much smaller group of GOP eggheads represented by these statistics.”

DHS Stocking up Ammo

This year the Department of Homeland Security has purchased a reported 750 million rounds of hollow-point bullets. To help put this in perspective, US troops fighting in Iraq used about 70 million rounds/year.

In an effort to quell apprehensions as to the intent of her agency, Secretary Janet Napolitano emphasized that “it is important that the government not be out-gunned by its enemies. We must have the firepower to suppress anyone who may rise against us.”

Napolitano also cited the lack of skill of the forces under her command compared to potential enemies. “The extra rounds are needed to offset the larger ratio of misses we anticipate may occur should we have to face opponents trained by the NRA or similarly able terrorist-related organizations.”

 

 
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