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John Semmens
SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News
01-11-2013 

John Semmens
More About: Humor

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News, January 13, 2013 Edition


Veep Suggests Platinum Solution to Gun Control

In what he called a “stroke of genius,” Vice-President Joe Biden suggested that President Obama could bypass both Congress and the Constitution by using an Executive Order to solve the gun violence crisis.

It was when I heard people talking about minting trillion dollar platinum coins to solve the debt ceiling thing that I got the idea of using platinum to get around 2nd Amendment objections to gun control,” Biden boasted. “If the President were to simply require that platinum be the only metal permitted in bullets we could effectively eliminate privately held guns without actually banning them.”

The Vice-President argued that “as Commander-in-Chief, the President has the Constitutional authority to prescribe the types of weapons and ammunition that the 2nd Amendment says a 'well regulated militia' should have. The simplicity of my proposal is that we wouldn't be infringing on the right to bear arms. People would still have this Constitutionally protected right, but very, very few could afford the cost of ammunition.”

Biden added that “there would also be significant gains from eliminating the accumulation of lead in our environment from spent rounds hitting trees and dirt when hunters miss their targets. So, in a way it's kind of a bipolar inspiration I had.”

Senator Diane Feinstein (D-Calif) heralded Biden's idea as “a breakthrough of enormous magnitude. The only thing I would add is a proviso that the platinum requirement would only apply to ammunition used by private gun owners. Government law enforcement would need to be exempt for budgetary reasons.”

Feinstein suggested that “existing stocks of lead bullets in private hands could be retrieved via some sort of mandatory 'buy back' program. This would effectively criminalize all possession of leaded ammunition as well as give the government an overwhelming advantage in firepower against any opposition.”

DC Mayor Demands Football Team Change Name

Washington, DC Mayor Vincent Gray is demanding that the City's NFL franchise currently know as the “Redskins” change its name.

The current name is demeaning to Native Americans,” Gray said. “Since the City has made major financial contributions in support of this franchise I am asserting our right to insist on a new monicker for the team.”

Wags we quick to come out with a few risible possibilities.

I think 'Crackheads' would be a good name for the team,” said long time resident Joe Blough. “It would more accurately fit the culture of the city and could be seen as a tribute to former Mayor Marion Barry.”

'Vampires' definitely,” offered fan, Alan Ball. “Aside from the fact that vampires are all the current rage among young people these days, it's a name that would symbolize the fearsome power of our city. Vampires suck people's blood. They're stronger than mere humans. They're virtually immortal. Aren't these all traits that that Washington has come to represent in America?”

I like 'Red-Tapers,'” said out-of-towner William Kidd. “It would allow them to keep the same team colors and be in tune with how DC is seen by the rest of the country.”

For his part, Gray expressed the hope that “the team could be renamed the 'Dogs.' I think a lot of the fans already kind of use this nickname. So the transition to a new name would be smoother. We could also keep the same colors since the Irish Setter is a red dog and would make a good mascot.”

IRS Threatens Employers on Obamacare

The Internal Revenue Service warned employers in a new regulatory edict that “scrupulous adherence to the rules will not be tolerated if the intent is merely to minimize costs.” The IRS issued the edict amidst reports that many business owners were limiting employee hours or hiring temps in order to avoid Obamacare's health insurance mandates.

While the law may say that only full time employees must be covered, the President's intent is to see that everyone has health insurance,” the IRS wrote. “Replacing full-time employees with part-timers or outsourcing jobs to temp agencies as a means of lowering costs will not be allowed.”

The IRS promised to “make whatever statistical adjustments we deem necessary to thwart efforts to evade the President's objective. Those wishing to challenge our rulings can take us to court.”

Taking the government to court over its Obamacare rulings may be financially risky. Hobby Lobby is facing daily fines in excess of one million dollars for each day if fails to comply with a ruling that it must provide coverage for birth control and abortions in the insurance it offers to its employees.

The IRS doesn't have the resources to closely monitor every action taken by every business or person subject to its authority,” complained Commissioner Steven Miller. “Fear of the potential consequences of noncompliance—whether that be financial ruin or imprisonment—is our first line of defense for protecting the government's interests against recalcitrant and disobedient members of society.”

Website Receives Anonymous Note from Grateful Thief

The publication of the names of all licensed gun owners in New York City by the Gawker website may have angered civil libertarians and gun rights advocates, but it did garner a note of praise from one reader.

While your regret that you could not also publish the addresses is one I share, having access to the names is still an important step forward in reducing the risk to those in my profession,” the unsigned letter stated. “Breaking into homes and reallocating the excess wealth of the residents is how I put food on the table for my family. Getting shot by a homeowner is a risk I'd rather avoid. Doing a little advance research with the names you've provided will help me lower the risk of making my children orphans.”

You should be proud of what you have done to advance the cause of eliminating guns from our society,” the letter continued. “I fully support your broader effort to disarm those who would use firearms to injure or kill another person. If we can achieve this objective I, for one, will breathe easier.”

Clinton Named “Father of the Year”

The National Father’s Day Council announced that on June 16th this year it will be giving former President Bill Clinton its annual “Father of the Year” award.

Dan Orwig, chairman of the National Father’s Day Committee, said that “President Clinton's exemplary behavior over the last decade has set an example for reprobates everywhere that reform is truly attainable.”

Consider, despite the temptations faced by a person of his stature, there is no evidence of scandal since he left office,” Orwig recounted. “No young women have come forward to allege improper sexual conduct. No shady real estate schemes have come to light. He has not been forced to perjure himself. For this he merits our acknowledgment and praise.”

Asked whether out of the millions of fathers in America there might have been a more worthy recipient, Orwig defended his organization's choice saying that “there is strong precedent for promulgating the redemptive message of the return of the prodigal son. It is our hope that fathers out there who have been abusing positions of trust, as President Clinton has so obviously done himself, will be inspired by his story of reform and choose to follow his example.”

Reid Defends Storm Damage Remarks

Stung by being called an “idiot” by Senator David Vitter (R-Louisiana) for his claim that victims of 2012's Hurricane Sandy suffered more than victims of 2005's Hurricane Katrina, Senator Harry Reid (D-Nev) attempted to explain his way out the scathing characterization.

My colleague's focus on quantitative data overlooks qualitative differences between the two events,” Reid argued. “First, New Jersey and New York are states where many important people live. Many of the homes that were destroyed were million dollar properties. The same could be said for the businesses.”

Most of the properties destroyed by Katrina were more like broken down shacks than decent homes,” the Senator contended. “Having them washed away saved the expense of having to pay for them to be demolished.”

Second, New Jersey and New York are reliable 'blue states,'” Reid went on. “Seeing these loyal Americans harmed and distracted on the eve of the election threatened the incumbency of the President. Louisiana and Alabama are both red states and Katrina hit in 2005—not even an election year.”

The statistics from the National Hurricane Center cited by Senator Vitter showed that Katrina caused 1,833 deaths and $108 billion in damage. In comparison, Sandy caused 131 deaths and $65 billion in damage.

Abolition of Presidential Term Limits Proposed

Representative Jose Serrano (D-NY) reintroduced House Resolution 15. The resolution would repeal the 22nd Amendment to the US Constitution. The 22nd Amendment limits a person to two terms as president.

Serrano says “the need for this change is more critical now than ever. President Obama is the greatest man to hold the office since FDR, maybe ever. He should not be barred from being reelected out of some exaggerated fear that an open-ended tenure in office might be a threat to liberty.”

Not all the President's supports are persuaded that amending the Constitution is urgent, though. House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) suggested that “the election of Michelle Obama in 2016 and 2020 would be a way for us to essentially extend President Obama's term in everything but name. For the longer run, though, we may want to consider whether an amendment might be necessary, assuming, of course, that some other method for achieving the objective hasn't been found first.”

 

 
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