SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News, June 2, 2013 Edition 
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John Semmens
SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News
05-31-2013 

John Semmens
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SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News, June 2, 2013 Edition


DOJ to Crack Down on Excessive Criticism of Muslims

Bill Killian, the US Attorney for the Eastern district of Tennessee, says that social media comments critical of Islam that the Department of Justice deems “excessive” will be subject to “enforcement action.”

We understand that some people may be frightened or angry over what they see as unwarranted acts of terror or other violence carried out by persons alleged to be motivated by radical religious views,” Killian said. “However, it is our position that two wrongs don't make a right.”

Fighting for the faith and slaying unbelievers is a religious obligation for Muslims,” Killian argued. “Verbal attacks on these beliefs and behaviors illegally denigrate the religious freedoms of Muslims. Just as our Constitution protects the Christians' right to 'turn the other cheek' it also must protect the Muslims' right to wage holy jihad. To the extent that Muslims are inhibited by hate speech targeting this right we will intervene.”

As for freedom of speech, Killian pointed out that “protecting the free exercise of religion takes precedence over abridging freedom of speech under the First Amendment. Speech that has the effect of suppressing the free exercise of a Muslim's religion will not be tolerated by this Administration.”

The initial enforcement action is expected to be DOJ assistance in suits in which aggrieved Muslims seek financial compensation for “mental anguish” or “personal humiliation” they may suffer as a result of intemperate criticisms posted in public forums like Facebook and Twitter.

In related news, Senator Dick Durbin (D-Ill) questioned whether non-journalists are entitled to post their opinions on blog or twitter forums. “Journalists are trained to be objective,” Durbin contended. “Ordinary citizens are not. I think if we limited posting rights to this identifiable and more narrowly confined group we would eliminate a lot of our problems with unauthorized and unsanctioned expression. The news would be more controlled and less hysterical and subversive.”

Venezuelan Police Seize Stash of Toilet Paper

The Government's determination to impose a “socialist solution” to the nation's burgeoning spate of material shortages took what officials called “a major step forward” when police seized a hidden stash of 2500 rolls of previously privately owned toilet paper.

These last remnants of a vital commodity have been rescued from the hands of the selfish and will now be redistributed according to the rules of social justice,” President Nicolás Maduro boasted. “There will be no more hoarding. Everyone will get an equal share.”

The allocation is estimated to amount to one-twenty-fifth of a sheet per person. That's a piece measuring roughly one inch by one-half inch. Those wanting to claim their share are asked to present themselves to the Ministry of Communes and Social Protection offices between the hours of 9 a.m. and 5 p.m., Monday through Friday and to show a photo ID in order to receive their allotment of this “rescued” commodity.

Mass Gov Says Welfare Irregularities Overblown

The release of an audit showing that over $2 million in welfare benefits were paid out to deceased recipients originally sent Governor Deval Patrick into seclusion. Now it has him fighting mad.

First, let's not blow things out of proportion,” Patrick pleaded. “In the context of the State's $30 billion budget, the $2.4 million erroneously paid out to dead people is mere pocket change.”

Second, it could be argued that being dead is the worst off a person can be,” Patrick added. “Since welfare is supposed to go to the least well off is it really such a travesty that money went to such persons? Granted, the deceased can't spend the money himself, but surely his bereaved family has some needs that may have been intensified by his demise.”

The Governor's adroit handling of this scandal is believed to have upped his stock as a potential successor for embattled Obama Administration Attorney General Eric Holder in the event the President feels compelled to dismiss him for his part in several scandals and his perjured testimony in Congress.

In related news, illegal alien and mother of seven, Marita Nelson recently celebrated her 20th anniversary of receiving government welfare. Nelson currently is in the midst of a personal crusade to convince as many other illegals as she can to sign up for welfare benefits. An ally in this crusade is the Obama Administration, which has hired recruiters to sign up as many welfare recipients as possible.

Democrat Denounces Plan to Arrest Chicago Gangsters

The wave of homicides that has catapulted the City of Chicago to the upper echelons of the crime statistics inspired Illinois Senator Mark Kirk (R) to propose a plan to organize mass arrests for members of the street gang known as the Gangster Disciples. This plan was denounced as an “upper middle class, elitist white boy solution” by Representative Bobby Rush (D-Ill).

Senator Kirk may place obeying the law among his top priorities, but this is not part of the street culture of Chicago,” Rush asserted. “There are parts of the City where the only way you can survive is to join a gang, get a gun, and kill before you are killed. You can't make it by acting white. It's unreasonable for us to force ill-suited behaviors onto those who have had to learn alternate ways of coping.”

Rush suggested that “instead of spending $30 million to try to suppress these gangs we might want to think about whether it might be better invested in job training.”

Reputed leader of the Gangster Disciples, Larry Hoover struck a defiant stance toward both approaches. “We don't need training for some chicken sh*t jobs,” Hoover said. “We've got our own businesses to run. With the money we're making we can bribe the police who appreciate the benefits of living and get all the guns we need to fend off whatever cops we can't bribe.”

Hoover laughed at Senator Kirk's faith in government efforts to combat crime. “I know he says the feds took down Capone and that gives him confidence they can take us down,” Hoover observed. “But Capone was a pansy who let himself be taken down. We won't make that mistake.”

Obama Tells Donors Taking Back House Is Crucial

At an event where the price of admission ranged from $1,000 to $32,000 per seat, President Obama urged 150 donors to give as much as they can to the effort of the Democratic Party to retake control of the House of Representatives in the 2014 elections.

Right now the nation's business is being held hostage by the Republican House majority that insists on pressing ahead with useless investigations,” Obama declared. “Even if we were to concede that the issues they want to investigate are legitimate—which we don't—it must be admitted that those affected constitute a tiny minority.”

We've got four Americans who were killed in Benghazi last year,” Obama admitted. “But out of a population of more than 300 million that's insignificant. And what if the IRS unduly scrutinized conservative groups. Conservatives aren't a majority. The average American wasn't affected by whatever the IRS did or didn't do. As for spying on the media, does your run-of-the-mill viewer really give a hoot?”

These GOP fomented investigations are a diversion from our nation's progress toward the fundamental transformation we Democrats have been working so long and hard to accomplish,” the President said. “If Democrats controlled the House these investigations wouldn't be happening. I couldn't be more anxious to have Congresswoman Pelosi back as Speaker. Your generous donations will help make that happen.”

Sebelius Addresses Graduates

US Secretary of Health and Human Services Kathleen Sebelius, in a blog addressed to “the class of 2013,” told graduates that “though the job picture may be bleak, your access to health care is better than ever.”

In no previous generation of graduates has the access to birth control and abortion been as secure as it is for you,” Sebelius wrote. “Your peers from an earlier era would be thrust into the workforce to fend for themselves. What kind of health insurance or even whether there would be any insurance at all was at the discretion of what the employer might provide.”

Many of those policies didn't cover birth control under the premise that the actions that might prompt its need were voluntary,” Sebelius continued. “Virtually none of those policies covered sex-change surgery because they considered it elective, not required. Well, under the new Affordable Care Act 'voluntary' and 'elective' no longer have any bearing on coverage. Regulations now specify mandatory coverage for as wide an array of procedures and therapies as we could imagine.”

You are now free to live your lives the way you want without having to worry whether you have the funds to pay for any conceivable treatment the US Government has determined you are entitled to receive,” Sebelius concluded. “It is the dawn of a new age and you are its privileged vanguard.”

In related news, the Associated Press reports that millions will see their current health insurance terminated because of Obamacare. The new law bans “bare-bones” type plans that cover only major medical expenses or permit high deductibles. All qualifying plans must be of the “Cadillac” variety. Former participants in bare-bones plans may expect annual premium costs to rise by an estimated 50% to 150%.

 


 
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