John Semmens

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

More About: Government

SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: August 5, 2018 Edition

NY Times Hires Racist Editorial Writer

The New York Times announced it is adding Sarah Jeong to its editorial board. Ms. Jeong is noted for her anti-white animus that has been expressed in tweets like "how much joy I get out of being cruel to old white men," "white people are marking up the internet with their opinions like dogs pissing on fire hydrants," and "white people are only fit to live underground like groveling goblins."

"We hired Sarah Jeong because of the exceptional work she has done," the Times explained. "She offers a perspective that is both a powerful and timely contribution to the climate of hate that has been sweeping the country since Trump became president."

Pardoned NY Ex-Cons to Vote in November

Last May, New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo issued an executive order restoring the voting rights of more than 20,000 ex-cons still on parole. Included among the 20,000 were a triple cop-killer, murderers, rapists, and pedophiles banned from being with 1,000 feet of schools. In the two months since the executive order more than 100 of these individuals are back in jail for violating their parole and/or committing new crimes.

Still, Cuomo expressed satisfaction with his action, saying that "the pardons are working as intended. The recidivism rate is too slow to make much of a dent in the Democratic votes that will be cast in November. I doubt that Republicans can find enough votes to offset the 20,000 that our Party will gain."

Court Nominee Would Deny Children the Right to Be Aborted

Jennifer Allen, CEO of Planned Parenthood Votes Northwest and Hawaii, urged supporters to go all out to oppose the confirmation of Bret Kavanaugh to the US Supreme Court, pointing out that "if Kavanaugh's vote is the one needed to overturn Roe v. Wade future generations of children will be denied their right to be aborted by their mothers. The amount of suffering that such an outcome would inflict on these children is a cruelty that must be averted."

Maduro Admits Economy Has Failed

As food and medicine shortages and public service paralysis have wracked Venezuela, President Nicolas Maduro admitted his economic model has failed. The "model" has entailed nationalization of major industrial sectors, the expropriation of hundreds of businesses, and widespread price controls.

The President called upon "my socialist comrades to join with me in devising more effective directives to get the economy moving again. Our country is not the first to face these kinds of problems. When the Soviet Union was trying to build socialism wreckers and saboteurs undermined the plans laid out by the Politburo. It took the strength of Stalin to order the harsh measures required. Many died, but a backward nation was built into a world power through these sacrifices. We need to learn from this model and make the hard choices necessary."

In related news, Maduro announced he was "seconding" former President Obama's endorsement of 81 Democrats in primaries preceding the November elections. "I don't know much about these candidates, but I do know that President Obama has solid progressive values," he said. "Anyone he likes is good enough for me."

No Christians Among UK's Syrian Refugees

Of the more than 1,000 refugees admitted into the United Kingdom from war-torn Syria during the first quarter of 2018 none were Christians. Home Secretary Sajid Javid explained that "for us to admit Christians would merely exacerbate the already existing religious imbalance between the two countries. We already have a surplus of Christians in the UK and a comparative shortage of Muslims. The opposite is the case in Syria."

Javid acknowledged that "the discrimination, oppression, and murder of Christians in Muslim-run countries is unfortunate. However, we feel we must take a longer range perspective. That perspective is founded on the premise that if we can achieve a greater religious and ethnic balance among all the nations of the world the motive for discrimination, oppression, war, and atrocities will diminish."

Wage Gains Threaten Democracy

News that American workers pay and benefits are now rising at a faster pace than any time during the Obama years has sparked fear in the Democratic Party. The proclaimed "future" of the Party Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, recent winner of the Democratic congressional primary in Brooklyn, New York, sees this development as "a direct threat to our democracy. The GOP scheme to boost the working class into the ranks of higher income is intended to undermine their support for the Democratic Party."

"A key to bringing the benefits of socialism to America is the class solidarity among the workers," Ocasio-Cortez said. "The tax cuts and deregulation foisted on the economy by Trump and the Republicans is meant to break the bonds of solidarity by encouraging workers to pursue the capitalistic goal of self-enrichment through hard work rather than the socialist strategy of seeking a fairer distribution of wealth through political action. We need workers to support socialism with their votes and must take whatever actions are necessary to thwart the effort to convert workers into greedy, money-grubbing capitalists."

Meanwhile, the Trump plan to convert workers into capitalists is now exploring the idea of indexing capital gains for inflation. Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin observed that "as it currently stands, the tax code penalizes individuals who invest in a home or a retirement account by handing them a tax bill for the impact inflation has on their investments. Phantom gains result in higher tax liability that depletes retirement income and confiscates a portion of the equity of their homes if they sell in order to move to a smaller dwelling." The New York Times lambasted the Secretary's remarks as "based on the faulty premise that individuals have a stronger claim on the assets they've accumulated than the government does."

Dems Buy Websites Smearing GOP Senators

At first, the appearance of 27 new web domains with the names of incumbent Republican senators followed by "forsale" was feared to represent more Russian meddling with an upcoming election. Sen. Angus King, (I-Maine) called this "a malicious use of the Internet that is particularly concerning."

Later, it was discovered that the Democratic Senatorial Campaign Committee (DSCC) had set up these accounts. Lauren Passalacqua, communications director at the DSCC, characterized the smear as "a routine campaign practice."

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