IPFS John Semmens

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

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SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: January 19, 2019 Edition by John Semmens

Dems Say Booming Economy Is "Dirty Politics"

The fact that unemployment is at a 50-year low and the wages of employees have increased faster than the salaries of their bosses under the economic policies of the Trump Administration was roundly condemned by leading Democrats.

"The working class has been a prime constituency of the Democratic Party for generations," presidential contender Sen. Elizabeth Warren (Mass) said. "The initiation of economic policies that have generated raises for private sector employees are an encroachment on this long-standing relationship. There is no emotional bond between Republicans and the working class. They're just appealing to selfishness in an underhanded bid to sever the communal bond our Party has always had with these voters. That's dirty politics."

The surge in private home construction that has accompanied the gains in employment and wages was also cited as "especially irksome" by Sen. Bernie Sanders (Vt). "Individual families living in separate dwellings is an inefficient use of resources. Communal living where families can share space and access to commonly needed facilities like bathrooms and kitchens, like there are in dormitories and barracks, is the direction we should be headed and will be once we enact the Green New Deal. There are tremendous economies of scale when material needs are provided collectively like they are under socialism. The Trump approach is the road to unconscionable waste."

Rival contender Tom Steyer agreed with Sanders' basic point, but added his opinion that "government should be providing cheap housing for everyone beginning with undocumented immigrants. The notion that making people support themselves is a legitimate goal for government to pursue is akin to reimposing slavery. There's no sense in it. People don't come to America for the opportunity to work for a living. They already had that in Mexico. What they want is not having to work for a living. America is rich enough to fulfill this dream."

The fall in unemployment and the rise in wages has also led to nearly eight million fewer recipients of food stamps since Trump became president—a trend that House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (Calif) found "profoundly troubling. I know Trump and his minions try to portray the image of a person earning his supper as a step up from living off welfare, but since when is having to work to eat preferable to eating free? Democrats are going to have to work really hard to prevent voters from falling for Trump's siren-song of self-reliance if we hope to hold onto our majority in the House."

In related news, Kyle Jurek, a field organizer for Sanders' presidential campaign, called for "the overthrow of capitalism and the establishment of a proletarian dictatorship. Sanders is the only candidate who can be trusted to implement this change. If voters don't elect him our cadres should seize power by force, liquidate counterrevolutionaries, and send potentially salvageable elements of society to re-education camps where their heads can be set straight."

NY Bill Requires Mental Health Exam to Buy Firearm

State Senator James Sanders (D-NYC) has introduced legislation that would require anyone seeking permission to own a gun to pass a mental health exam. If enacted, this law would impose up to seven years of prison for persons found in possession of a firearm without proof of passing a mental exam.

Sanders touted his bill as "a fool proof method for disarming the public. The mere desire to own a gun is, in my opinion, a pretty convincing demonstration of lack of mental fitness. I believe most mental health professionals would agree with that. So, not only would applicants be denied these kinds of weapons, they'd also be tainted by a finding of mental incompetence that could come in handy in the event of any future disagreements they might have with the state or other untainted and more obedient citizens. The knowledge that they could very easily be put in an institution for their own safety or that of society should go a long way toward inhibiting anti-social attitudes and behaviors."

Meanwhile, in Virginia public opposition to having the Second Amendment right to bear arms revoked by the Democrats now in control of both houses of the legislature and the governorship has spurred Gov Ralph Northam to declare a state of emergency. The declaration bans anyone from carrying a firearm on state property and includes proposals to extend the governor's term of office from four years to eight years and increase the number of signatures required on recall petitions by 150%.

Northam warned opponents to "not underestimate our determination to transform our state into the kind of social-democratic utopia our Party has been envisioning for years. We won the 2019 elections and will not remain idle against attempts to reverse those result under the cover of procedures outlined in the state's constitution. The rule of law has its limits and must never be permitted to block the progressive change endorsed by voters last year. When push comes to shove, substance must triumph over process."

Nadler: "We've Proven the Case Against Trump"

Chairman of the House Judiciary Committee Rep. Jerry Nadler (D-NY), characterized the case for removing Trump from office as "irrefutable. We heard from enough witnesses to prove the case beyond any doubt. That's why we insist that we should be allowed to call more witnesses at his trial in the Senate."

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ken) questioned Nadler's logic, asking "if the House heard enough from their witnesses to prove their case then shouldn't the transcript and arguments from their case managers be sufficient? In contrast to the last impeachment, the accused in this case was denied the opportunity to present any witnesses in his own defense during the House hearings. I suppose a simple-minded individual like Mr. Nadler might deem a one-sided hearing irrefutable proof, but any reasonable person would find such a biased proceeding inadequate for a fair assessment of guilt or innocence. Perhaps we should balance the scales by allowing the defense's previously barred witnesses to be heard in the Senate trial."

Nadler objected that "any witnesses that Trump might call would only muddy the waters. Since their testimony would not focus on Trump's crimes it is irrelevant to the matter we are prosecuting. To my way of thinking, we should only entertain an admission of guilt and a full confession to the crimes he is charged with committing. This alone could end the need to continue efforts to remove him from office and begin the process of uniting all Americans in a common purpose of healing the divisions that divide us from being united."

Iran Takes Steps to Ease Tensions

In a show of unity with President Trump's critics, the government of Iran took steps to ease the tensions initiated by his callous assassination of the world's foremost terrorist. The first of these steps entailed the arrest of the person who filmed their missile downing the Ukrainian passenger plane.

Democratic presidential contender South Bend Mayor Pete Buttigieg praised "this positive step toward peace. The existence of this video only served to disparage the intentions and competence of the Iranian regime. While the arrest can't undo the damage done by this video it can send a message dissuading others from releasing information without prior approval. If all sides followed this lead I think we'd be on the road to a more viable long-term relationship between Iran and its detractors."

The second tension-easing step taken by Iran was to threaten European nations "against criticizing the infallible words and deeds of Ayatollah Ali Khamenei. His authority comes from Allah. All who reject it are unbelievers worthy of death. We warn the Europeans not to cast their lot with unbelievers like Trump lest they also be utterly destroyed by the irresistible might of Allah's warriors."

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau immediately fired off a message of submission. "We renounce the crimes of the Great Satan against your country," he pledged. "The actions of General Soleimani were within the accepted parameters of lawful jihad against the unbelievers. Trump's interruption of his important work was a provocation warranting a terrible revenge. I beseech you to spare my country. As neighbors of the United States, I believe we have already suffered enough from the humiliation of being inferior to our cross-border tormentors. I urge you not to overlook the potential strategic advantages of allying with us and utilizing our shared border with America as a means of infiltrating and punishing your eternal enemy."

In related news, Democrats in the House voted down a resolution of support for Iranians demonstrating against the tyrannical regime. Proposed by Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy (R-Calif), the resolution condemns Iran for killing over 1,000 Iranian citizens who were protesting their government, condemns the Government of Iran for shooting down Ukraine International Airlines Flight 752, condemns the Government of Iran for repeatedly lying to its people and to the world about its responsibility for the downing of this passenger aircraft, and calls on the Government of Iran to refrain from the use of violence, and protect the rights of freedom of expression and peaceful assembly.

Speaker Pelosi called the resolution "a disgraceful diversion from our patriotic duty to remove President Trump from office. Trump is the one who escalated the tensions with Iran and is now egging their people on to agitate against their government rather than instructing them to obey the government's rule over them. This is yet another example of his abuse of power and obstruction of Congress."

Congresswoman Says Alcoholism "Not Disqualifying"

Congresswoman Anne Kirkpatrick (D-AZ) says her recent injuries from a drunken collapse that will prevent her from appearing in Congress for a while should not be taken as a sign of unfitness for office. "First, let me point out that my office will be fully functional during my absence. All the hard work of researching issues, taking positions, and crafting public statements is done by my staff. They tell me what to think and how to vote. The formality of actually casting a vote can easily be done in absentia."

"Second, let's not forget that a considerable portion of the voting population are alcoholics," She added. "Alcoholics are people. Who better to represent them in the halls of government than one of their own? In fact, many of my colleagues in Congress are high-functioning alcoholics. I think when most people are reminded that Trump never drinks, they should be more appreciative of those of us who do."

Prof Calls for Disenfranchising Trump Voters

Alleging that "racists" are not entitled to elect members of our government, Terry Smith, visiting professor at the University of Baltimore School of Law, says "ballots cast for racist candidates like Trump can be thrown out by the courts. We don't allow racism to deny a person a job or a place to live. We shouldn't allow racism to have a voice in deciding who will govern."

Smith brushed aside the difficulty of proving a ballot was cast with racist intention by pointing out that "there is wide agreement across the spectrum of media covering politics that Trump and, indeed, all Republicans are secretly racists. Look at how few minorities vote for them. I think we can fashion a simple rule-of-thumb premise that any candidate receiving less than a majority of minority votes is, ipso facto, a racist and, therefore, ineligible to hold elective office."

"Trump voters' claims that they like his economic program or his stance on foreign policy are just convenient lies to try to conceal covert racist motivations," Smith maintained. "Besides, the most seasoned political observers are virtually unanimous in their opinion that Trump's policies on these issues are especially harmful toward minorities, which, I posit, is further proof of the unadmitted racist reasons for how they vote."

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