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SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

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SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: July 26, 2020 Edition

Portland Gov't Demands Feds Stop Impeding Rioters

Portland city officials are demanding that the federal law enforcement personnel protecting the federal courthouse remove the barricades they installed around the building. Mayor Ted Wheeler (D) pointed out that "we have not issued a permit allowing these structures for several good reasons. First, part of the barricade obstructs a bike lane. Second, denying protesters access to the building interferes with their freedom to air their grievances against police brutality."

Wheeler brushed aside contentions that the vandalism and arson the protesters want to inflict on the courthouse are not constitutionally protected actions, saying "the notion that free speech must actually be confined to using words or that the airing of grievances must take the form of presenting petitions asking for redress is pure 'white privilege' talking. Some people aren't good with words or are too illiterate to write or sign petitions. They are more comfortable expressing themselves by throwing rocks, swinging baseball bats, and lighting fires. Federal storm-troopers have no authority to infringe on these alternate modes of making one's point."

House Intelligence Committee chairman Rep. Adam Schiff (D-Calif) seconded "Mayor Wheeler's complaint against unwarranted federal interference. There is a historical precedent for a local government ousting an unwanted federal presence in their city. In 1861, unwanted federal troops were driven from Fort Sumter by the forceful actions of local South Carolina authorities. Today, Trump's insistence that the street violence going on in Portland and elsewhere is intolerable is a matter of opinion. The people of Portland didn't elect Trump to rule their city. They elected Mayor Wheeler. It is Mayor Wheeler's opinion on what is tolerable that should guide how the city is run, not Trump's."

Fellow Mayor Eric Garcetti (D-Los Angeles) also backed Wheeler's position, calling the nightly street violence "a demonstration of the best democratic ideals. I know it makes some people uncomfortable to see parts of their city besmirched by boisterous displays of differing political views. They would prefer a more peaceful and orderly interaction between differing political factions. But the preference for peace and order cannot be allowed to override the freedom to act of those who disagree with this preference."

In a bid to show his solidarity with the rioters, Mayor Wheeler and his phalanx of taxpayer-funded bodyguards attempted to join the "mostly peaceful" rioters only to be jeered at by the mob shouting at him to "quit your job." As the mob tried to breach the barricades around the courthouse by smashing the fences and lighting fires between the barricade and the building, federal agents fired tear gas into the crowd. A teary-eyed Mayor Wheeler and his bodyguards then decided to call it a night and retreated to his well-guarded residence.

Meanwhile, in Philadelphia District Attorney Larry Krasner vowed "to arrest and prosecute any federal agent who attempts to enforce the law in this city" calling it "an infringement on the Mayor's prerogative to enforce or ignore the law as he sees fit. We live in a democracy and the voters' choice for mayor cannot be overruled by the President of the United States."

Fauci Violates Mask & Social Distancing Protocols

After wearing his face mask to throw out the ceremonial first pitch of the 2020 baseball season at the game between the New York Yankees and the Washington Nationals, coronavirus guru Dr. Anthony Fauci returned to his seat in the stands between two of his friends. Despite thousands of empty seats, these three spectators sat adjacent to each other. While the other two wore their masks, Fauci was photographed with his mask under his chin—a style popularized by House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) and former Vice-President Joe Biden (D).

Fauci's actions contradict what he has insisted are necessary if broader attendance by common people at sporting events is to be permitted. The Doctor defended his deviation from his own recommendations by pointing out "I have the unusual privilege of having been tested for COVID numerous times—including just 24 hours before the game. I am COVID negative, so there was no risk to those sitting right next to me. My friends are just ordinary people who have not been tested, so they dutifully wore their masks in order to signal their intention to protect me from being infected by them."

Fauci admitted that his companions' masks "were more symbolic than functional. Numerous tests have shown that the virus particles are much smaller than the gaps between the threads of the masks. Expecting the masks to prevent exhaled virus particles from escaping is like expecting a screen door to block the wind. A few of the particles will hit the threads flush and be blocked, but the vast majority will sail right through. My recommendation for people to wear masks is a psychological ploy to reinforce awareness of the virus and to discourage people from unnecessarily venturing outside of their homes."

Minnesota AG Says Cops Shouldn't Respond to Rapes

Minnesota Attorney General Keith Ellison (D) says that "unless there is clear evidence that a rapist is still at the same location as the victim, police should not be dispatched to the crime scene, but should refer the victim to a social worker. Look, the victim has already suffered enough trauma. At this point she needs medical attention and psychological counseling not police interrogation."

Ellison downplayed the idea that a police presence at the crime scene would help preserve evidence and improve the chance that the perpetrator would ultimately be apprehended, contending that "getting an early start on the healing process is probably more important than arresting a suspect. After all, the line between consensual sex and rape is often blurry. The suspected rapist might have had very good reasons for his actions. The issue of whether the encounter was or wasn't rape could be controversial. Either way, though, the victim's need for social services is clear and indisputable. Getting a quick start on this aspect of the encounter seems a higher priority to me."

The Attorney General went on to argue that "rape isn't the only instance in which it might be better if police don't get involved. As we saw in the George Floyd case, if social workers had been called instead of police he would still be alive today. So, I think what we need to do is make people aware that they have an alternative to calling 911. If we could establish a similar three digit phone number for people to call in order to get a quick response from a social worker, fewer people would be killed by cops and more people would get the counseling they urgently need."

China Urges American Voters to "Oust Anti-Progressive Trump"

The the Chinese Communist Party-run China Global Television Network (CGTN) issued a video plea to American voters asking them to vote President Trump out of office.

"The coronavirus pandemic gives Americans an unprecedented opportunity to end capitalist oppression in their country and join the progressive states of the world," CGTN broadcaster Dung Chow said. "In China we have conquered the virus using severe lockdowns, pervasive surveillance, and harsh penalties for violators. But in America under Trump people have been inexplicably left free in many places to deviate from the stern measures recommended by experts like Dr. Fauci."

The broadcast ended with an entreaty for voters "to reject the incompetent individualism that Trump has allowed to ravage the country and opt for the collective security that our great friend Joe Biden is offering as the better alternative."

Charlamagne Tha God & Biden Disagree on Racism

This week the Democrat nominee for President Joe Biden declared Donald Trump to be "the nation's first racist president."

Host of the "Breakfast Club" radio talk show Charlamagne Tha God, who was previously insulted by Biden's proclamation that any black who doesn't vote for him "ain't black," took offense. "Joe Biden should shut the eff up forever for saying something so stupid," he said. "Lyndon Johnson freely used the N-word when referring to blacks. FDR incarcerated more than a hundred thousand Americans of Japanese descent because of their race. Woodrow Wilson segregated the federal bureaucracy. Twelve other presidents owned slaves. And all but one were white. It would be more accurate to say that every president except Obama was likely a racist."

Apprised of Charlamagne's remarks, Biden hastened to agree that "former President Obama is definitely not a racist. As for the others, just let me point out that Delaware, the state I represented in the US Senate, was once a slave state. Perhaps my perspectives on the previous presidents was influenced by this fact. I couldn't have repeatedly won reelection to the Senate if I'd gone around calling all those great men racists just because they owned slaves."

Michigan Gov Cuts $115 Million from Police

Gov. Gretchen Whitmer (D-Mich) issued an executive order cutting $115 million from the State Police budget. In addition, she also cut $392 million from the Department of Corrections. She characterized the cuts as a "crime reduction" measure.

"I got the idea from the way we are recording and reporting the coronavirus statistics," she said. "The more tests we take the more COVID-positive cases we find. This makes the pandemic look worse than it really is. Well, what if the same is true of our state's crime statistics? If we put fewer police out there fewer crimes will be uncovered. If we have fewer prisons to house convicted offenders the population of incarcerated persons will decline. This will make the state seem more law-abiding than it really is."

Whitmer defended this statistical manipulation, calling it "good for the state's economy. A lower reported crime rate will attract more businesses and residents to our state. This, in turn, will boost state tax collections. The increased revenues will enable us to fund more social programs and garner more votes for the Democratic Party in subsequent elections. It's a 'win-win' outcome for all Michiganders."

Democratic presidential nominee Joe Biden called Whitmer's action "an important breakthrough that has put her back in the race to be my vice-presidential running mate. This is the kind of creative and inspired leadership this nation needs to recover from the mismanagement that has characterized the Trump Administration."

CNN Host Flabbergasted

CNN talking head Don Lemon professed himself "flabbergasted" by US Attorney General William Barr's characterization of the violent protests following the death of George Floyd as "extreme."

"How can an old white guy like Barr comprehend the righteous rage of people protesting the murder of an innocent black man by the Minneapolis Police?" Lemon asked. "How can he not perceive the justice of tearing down the society that makes crimes like the one perpetrated against Floyd possible? Looted merchandise, burned down buildings, and a few random deaths seem a small price to pay for the kind of transformation the protesters are seeking."

In related news, Lemon flunked the same cognitive test that President Trump aced last year. His inability to tell whether the animal pictured in one of the questions on the test was an elephant, hippo, or rhino was his undoing. Fellow CNN talking head Chris Cuomo administered the test and raucously mocked Lemon for "being dumber than Trump."

NYC's Occupy City Hall Camp's Legacy of Filth

After dispersing a gang of protesters camping in Lower Manhattan this week, police discovered that the residents had been using a nearby subway ventilation grate as a toilet. A disgusted neighborhood resident described witnessing "many individuals take turns squatting and sh****g right out in full view of everyone walking along the sidewalk."

Mayor Bill de Blasio apologized "for evicting these people. Exercising basic bodily functions is both a natural and a human right protected by the US Constitution. The notion that it should be done privately behind closed doors and in a properly designed facility is a middle class prejudice that I hope we can eventually overcome. But there were just too many complaints from the taxpaying health nuts living and working nearby to let this go on."

In related news, de Blasio vowed to sue if Trump orders federal agents to defend federal property in New York City. "The people of New York City have an inalienable right to destroy the property of the government oppressing them," he said. "The Boston Tea Party established this fundamental principle of our democracy way back in 1773."

Chicago Mayor Explains Reluctance to Accept Fed Aid

Chicago Mayor Lori Lightfoot (D) says she doesn't want President Trump's assistance to combat the ongoing nightly massacres of mostly black city residents. She disputed Trump's assertion that her City is shortchanging the black community by not taking stronger steps to tamp down the violence.

"It is not for a white man to say whether a black woman's handling of law enforcement shortchanges her people," Mayor Lightfoot maintained. "The voters elected me, not him. I should be left alone to decide what steps are needed. Federal intervention is not one of the steps I want to see taken."

Trump called Lightfoot's position "mystifying. Seventy-five percent of the people being murdered in Chicago are black, many of them very young children. This is horrendous carnage. We cannot allow criminals to kill at will. This needs to be stopped. We're offering to assist the local police force with a surge of some of the best crime fighters in the nation. I don't see how this offer of assistance hurts the law-abiding people of Chicago."

Lightfoot pointed out that "what Trump neglects to mention is that more than 70% of the murders are committed by blacks. These are the people I'm afraid will get hurt by a too aggressive anti-crime effort of the 200 federal agents he wants to send to Chicago."

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