IPFS John Semmens

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

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SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: August 30, 2020 Edition

Rice Criticizes Pompeo's Religion

Former Obama-era national security adviser Susan Rice questioned the constitutional propriety of having Mike Pompeo as Secretary of State. "I think his public profession of his Christian faith is problematic," she said. "Further, his objections to what he calls the unwarranted persecution of Christians in Muslim countries crosses a line that should not be crossed."

"As I understand it, Islamic doctrine calls for the forcible conversion on non-Muslims," Rice recalled. "Those unwilling to convert may be compelled to pay a tax and can be killed if they refuse. That is what their holy book, the Quran, says. Consequently, Pompeo's condemnation of the right of Muslim countries to practice their faith with regard to how they treat unbelievers is Islamophobic."

"The problem is that Pompeo is generating unnecessary friction between these nations and the United States," Rice contended. "Both historic precedent and the tenets of the two faiths should guide US foreign policy when dealing with Muslim countries. Historically, Christians living within Muslim controlled territories have submitted to the demands of their overlords. This conforms with Christian doctrine that commands them to turn the other cheek and to abide by the dictates of the governments they live under. Pompeo's vocal characterization of Christians living under these conditions as 'persecution' is undiplomatic."

Rice predicted "a return to the policies of the Obama Administration once former Vice-President Biden is elected. Rather than provoking the animosity that Trump and Pompeo have, President Obama's conciliatory attitude toward Islam and its believers built bridges of cooperation and amity between our country and theirs. We can be sure that Joe Biden will reject the hostility engendered by the Trump Administration and restore the peaceful interactions that prevailed before he took office."

Biden Wins Debate About Debating

This week House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) advised Democratic presidential nominee Joe Biden against debating President Trump because "it would legitimize the idea that Trump is worthy of being on the same stage with one of the greatest public servants in American history. For nearly 50 years Joe has tirelessly toiled for the benefit of the American people—first as a senator and later as a vice-president. Trump is an intruder without any political pedigree."

"A second reason is that Joe is a kind and decent man," Pelosi said. "His simplicity is what connects him to the vast majority of America's voters. They already know where he stands. There is no need for him to subject himself to the verbal pummeling that Trump will unleash on him. Demanding that Joe risk losing just because he cannot think on his feet or articulate answers to complicated policy questions would be too cruel. Refusing to get in the ring with Trump is a move that every decent American will approve."

The Speaker's argument failed to persuade the Candidate. Bristling at her implication that he should shun a face-to-face confrontation with Trump, Biden insisted that he was "forward looking to debating Trump. I know there will be a lot of lies because everyone agrees that's what Trump does. But there will be moderators there to call him out on that. With them on my side I'm confident that my performance will be praised in the post-debate analysis and that I will be declared the winner."

"Given the clarifications presented by Vice-President Biden, I withdraw my original objections," Pelosi said. "I had forgotten that Candy Crowley was able to counterbalance Romney during a 2012 debate and help President Obama win that confrontation. There's no reason why we can't do the same thing this time around. It's too bad that Hillary was too prideful to want such help in 2016, but I see that Joe is smart enough and humble enough to accept a helping hand. The media will declare him the winner and the lamentations of the Republicans will be music to every Democrat's ears."

Biden & Harris Praise NBA Boycott

Democratic presidential nominee former Vice-President Joe Biden praised the NBA basketball players who refused to take the court in their playoff games after the latest police shooting of a black man in Kenosha Wisconsin this week. "This moment demands moral leadership," Biden said. "And these players answered by standing up, speaking out, and using their platform for good. The sacrifices they made foregoing their salaries and forfeiting their games touch us all in very profound ways. It's an example I wish our current president would have followed."

Vice-presidential nominee Sen. Kamala Harris (Calif) seconded Biden's take and hailed the decision of the National Basketball Association and its players to postpone playoff games to protest the police shooting of Jacob Blake, calling it "an act of monumental courage. They could have selfishly ignored the plight of a little-known black man while they blithely collected their million dollar salaries, but in a burst of pure altruism they unanimously deferred these salaries for a couple of days. This was the greatest sacrifice I've ever seen from a professional athlete in any sport. It would be a shame if this isn't followed up by a groundswell of voter support for the defunding of police that both Joe and I will deliver after we are inaugurated next January."

For the record, no NBA games were forfeited. No salaries were foregone—except by President Donald Trump who has donated his entire salary to charity since his first day in office. Further, the Black Lives Matter protest of the shooting ended up burning down most of Kenosha's black business district. This destruction inspired failed Democratic presidential candidate former Mayor of South Bend Indiana Pete Buttigieg (D) to blame Trump for the arson, saying "he is the master of chaos. As virtually every news report over the last four years has shown, everything bad that has happened in this country is his fault."

White Supremacist Endorses Biden

Neo-Nazi Richard Spencer, organizer of the 2017 "Unite the Right" rally in Charlottesville in which a follower of his ran down and killed an anti-Confederate statue protester, announced "I plan to vote for Biden and a straight Democratic ticket."

"The key issue for me in this campaign is which Party will do the most to decrease the black population," Spencer explained. "The most effective policy for achieving this objective has been legalized abortion. Since 1973 millions of black lives have been terminated using this procedure. New York's Democrats have done an outstanding job. In New York City there are more black babies aborted than born. This is the model we should be expanding nationwide. The Democrats' intention to fund abortion with government funds will ensure that this crucial culling will proceed at an accelerated pace."

"Trump just doesn't get it," Spencer added. "His opposition to abortion and refusal to authorize federal funding for it threatens to flood the country with more of these untermenschen. He brags about what he has done to advance the interests of blacks when the proper policy would be to pursue ways of ridding the country of these deplorable wretches. So, for me, the choice is a no brainer. Democrats will put this country on the right path. They deserve the votes of every white person in America."

Clinton Says Biden Must Not Concede Election

Defeated Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton says "Biden must not concede on election night no matter what. I did that in 2016 and have regretted it ever since. I should have waited until more votes could be found."

"Finding more votes long after the polls had closed is what allowed the Democratic Party to oust so many Republicans from so-called 'safe districts' in the 2018 midterm elections," Clinton boasted. "With mail-in ballots being sent to every voter ever registered in each state there will be tens of millions of additional ballots that can be cast. Many voters will have the chance to vote twice—once by mail and again at the polls. Ballots sent to out-dated addresses will be available to be cast by whoever gets their hands on them."

"Republicans think they have the enthusiasm edge because their voters are slavishly devoted to Trump," she said. "They forget that Democrats are so enthusiastic that many of us are willing to cast more than one vote. Many of us are willing to fill in ballots for those unable to do so themselves because of dementia. And why not? Since our presidential nominee also suffers from dementia wouldn't he be the best champion for those in a similar predicament? So, though it might look bleak as the hour gets late on election night, Biden needs to hold on until the cavalry comes to his rescue with the votes needed to turn things around."

"Blacks Never Treated as Fully Human"

Democratic vice-presidential nominee Sen. Kamala Harris (D-Calif) used the shooting of Jacob Blake by a Kenosha police officer while he was resisting arrest to bolster her charge that "black lives have never been treated as fully human in America. It is yet another instance of an innocent black man being victimized by police brutality and another reason why voters need to elect Joe Biden and me to bring an end to this sorry history."

President Trump lost no time in challenging Harris' notion that blacks would be better off under a Biden Administration. "In the last three years, my Administration has done more for black Americans than Biden has done in his more than four decades in politics," he said. "We've enacted criminal justice reform, prison reform, opportunity zones, the long-term funding of historically black colleges and universities, and produced the lowest unemployment numbers for African Americans, Hispanic Americans, and Asian Americans ever recorded. I have done more for the African American community than any president since Abraham Lincoln."

Harris rebutted Trump's claims by pointing out that "it was President Lyndon Johnson's Great Society program the led to $20 trillion in federal money for the welfare and public housing that now are a defining feature of black life in this country. This free money far outshines what Trump has done. Trumps initiatives require the beneficiaries to work—work to establish a small business, work to earn a higher wage, work to get a college degree. We urge black voters to not fall into Trump's trap. It's just a modern form of slavery. Blacks did enough work during the 250 years of slavery in this country. It's time for all of us to be repaid with the reparations we deserve. The Democratic Party and President Joe Biden will ensure that this debt is paid and that no black person will ever have to work again."

"Let Violence Burn Itself Out"

Portland, Oregon, Mayor Ted Wheeler (D) defended his "do nothing" stance on the violence that has plagued his city for the last three months.

"If we send police out to try to stop the nightly looting and arson more lives will be endangered," Wheeler predicted. "Instead of having a unified mob wreaking havoc as has been happening, we'd have pitched battles between the mostly peaceful protesters and the law-enforcement brutes who would try to stop them."

The Mayor contends that "my policy of benign neglect will eventually resolve the conflict with less bloodshed. Look, time is on our side. There are only so many buildings in the city. At some point everything that can burn down will have been burned down. When the fuel is gone the fires will go out."

Wheeler asked residents "to look on the bright side. Ugly and out-dated structures will have been disposed of and you can use the insurance money to build back better. That's what a President Biden would urge us to do. You know Nero got a lot of criticism for fiddling while Rome burned, but the city was rebuilt bigger and better than ever. And a pesky clique of religious fanatics were disposed of along the way."

In related news, NBC Nightly News anchor Lester Holt trashed First Lady Melania Trump's convention speech complaining that "she condemned the violence and looting being done in the name of justice. It is a long standing tradition going all the way back to the Watts riots in 1965 that blacks riot when they are upset. It is the job of our leaders to understand this and not overreact."

Pelosi Calls Republicans "Enemies of the State"

Echoing phraseology more commonly associated with 20th century Nazi and Communist tyrannies, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) labeled the Trump Administration, Republicans in Congress, and the voters who support them "enemies of the state."

"We Democrats are trying to enact laws that will transform this country into the progressive paradise that former President Obama envisioned," Pelosi said. "These laws would provide total security from want. Every need of every person would be fulfilled by a generous government. And it would all be free! Yet, Republicans are fighting us every step of the way. They insist that each person should work to sustain his existence. They say that it isn't possible for everyone to live at the expense of the state. This is both untrue and cruel. The reality is that the government can create as much money as needed to pay for everything."

"Telling lies and cruelly depriving the people of the lives of leisure that everyone wants makes these Republicans enemies of the people and enemies of the state," the Speaker concluded. "When we are victorious in November we will finally have the power to punish these enemies. We will start with the publication of Trump's tax returns. Nominally, tax returns are considered confidential and the IRS is sworn to keep them that way, but enemies of the state can have no right to privacy from the people and the government that serves them. The same standard will apply to every other person who can be identified as a member of the Republican counterrevolutionaries. The numerous dossiers collected on every inhabitant within our borders by the FBI will be scoured for derogatory information that can then be used to oust these criminals from their jobs, homes, and society."

Rep. Mo Brooks (R-Ala) condemned Pelosi's remarks, calling them "dangerous and divisive. They encourage the extremists that are torching our cities to intensify their violence against those who do not support their collectivist agenda." Rep. Steve Scalise (R-La) said "it was rhetoric like this that inspired a crazed gunman to attempt to assassinate Republicans at a baseball practice in 2017, wounding several of us and almost killing me."

Democrat Transformation of America Marches On

With polls consistently showing Democratic presidential nominee Joe Biden leading President Trump and 75% of corporate CEOs confident that Biden will win the November election, Democrats around the nation are moving forward with plans to further transform America into a progressive utopia.

In California, State Sen. Scott Wiener (D-San Francisco) has introduced a bill that will decriminalize adult men having sex with boys. Wiener argues that "current law permits adults to have sex with under-aged females without penalty under the premise that imprisoning or labeling the adult as a sex-offender could endanger his job prospects and make it impossible for him to provide child support in the event the girl becomes pregnant. This is unfair to homosexual sex-offenders." Wiener has labeled opponents of this legislation "homophobic and anti-Semitic."

Also in California, Assembly Member David Chiu (D-San Francisco) is sponsoring the so-called "Free Rent Act" (AB 1436). The bill will prevent property owners from collecting rent during the continuing pandemic and for up to 15 months after the COVID state of emergency is declared over by the Governor. Meanwhile, property owners are given no relief for property taxes due during this time period. Chiu dismissed contentions that this is unfair and fiscally unsustainable, pointing out that "in the so-called worst case scenario, defaults on the payment of property taxes will merely result in the state taking over the property. Once the government owns these properties the socially unjust practice of forcing people to pay for housing will be abolished."

In Virginia, the state senate passed a bill lowering the penalties for assault and battery charges against police, judges, magistrates, correctional officers and firefighters from a felony to a misdemeanor. The legislation was introduced by Sen. Scott Surovell (D-Fairfax) who described it as "an effort to level the playing field. Police are heavily armed and don't give suspects a fair opportunity to successfully escape apprehension. Judges and corrections officers are key components of the systemic racism that characterizes our judicial processes. Firefighters often intercede to thwart the fires set by peaceful protesters. We need to re-balance the scales of justice to reflect our changing social values."

In New York City, Mayor Bill de Blasio (D) announced he will not let up on his campaign to crush the City's restaurant industry, saying "they will not be allowed to have indoor dining until sometime next year." The leeway allowing restaurants to set up tables on the sidewalk for outdoor dining is unlikely to suffice. On the one hand, outdoor diners have occasionally been harassed by panhandling bums and "protesters" demanding donations or expressions of support for left-wing political causes. On the other hand, winter weather in 2021's first quarter will likely discourage customers. The Mayor said he has "little sympathy for the beleaguered industry. After all, dining out is a nonessential activity. And it is my duty to protect the citizens from incurring the risk of COVID infection that is inherent in participating in nonessential activities."

Meanwhile, New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D) continues the statewide ban on dancing and singing at bars and weddings. "These are all very dangerous behaviors in these perilous times," he contends. "It is my responsibility as governor to prevent people from taking undue risks." The Governor also lashed out at "the excessively lax restrictions of Mayor de Blasio. He has turned a blind eye toward the repeated refusal of Orthodox Jews who are ignoring social distancing rules at their wedding celebrations." While conceding that "these people mostly keep to their own kind and do not present a significant health threat to the broader community, the optics of them having a good time undermine the message of danger we are trying to communicate to everyone."

In Washington, DC, Rep. Jesús García's (D-IL) is sponsoring the "New Way Forward Act" (H.R. 5383). It would decriminalize sneaking the US and block the routine deportation of alien criminals. Garcia contends that "deporting people simply because they have broken ours laws is discriminatory. Freedom of travel is a human right. No government has the right to impede the free movement of people from one place to another. Even more importantly, criminals are also human beings. We don't deport native-born criminals. We shouldn't deport undocumented newcomers. My bill will repeal both of these injustices."

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