IPFS John Semmens

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

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SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: September 6, 2020 Edition

Prof: "It's a Biden Landslide or Four More Years of Street Violence"

Georgetown University law professor Rosa Brooks summarized the scenarios generated by her politics model as "a choice between tranquility or chaos. Of every potential election outcome we tested only the one where former Vice-President Joe Biden wins in a landslide predicts a peaceful transfer of power."

Brooks used her model projections to argue that "clearly, the only patriotic option available to voters is to cast their ballots for the Biden/Harris ticket. This true for both those who see Trump as the worst person to ever hold the office and those who see Biden as mentally incompetent. A cadre of violent looters, rioters, and arsonists stand ready to burn this country down if Trump wins reelection. Preventing this outcome must be every voters' goal when they either vote by mail or vote in person."

The Professor predicted that "an outcome similar to what prevailed in 2016—a popular vote victory for Hillary Clinton and an electoral college victory for Trump—would be the worst possible outcome. Even if this apparent election night outcome is later overtaken by a trove of late arriving mail-in ballots or boxes of votes found in car trunks, polling station closets, or basements of Democratic Party election monitors there will still be unrest while we wait for these found ballots to be counted."

"Finally, let me also point out that polls show that 28% of Biden supporters won't accept a Trump victory, whereas only 19% of Trump supporters won't accept a Biden victory. Seeing that a small contingent of Biden supporters are already rampaging in the streets of several of this country's biggest cities, while Trump supporters are not, the easier path is for Republicans to cross the aisle and vote Democrat to spare the nation from an even bigger conflagration than we've already seen over the past three months."

Biden Flubs "Healing" Trip to Kenosha

In an effort to contrast himself with Trump, Democratic presidential nominee former Vice-President Joe Biden ventured into riot-torn Kenosha to show off his "healing" technique. He started out by blaming Trump for the violence tearing apart the city and other cities throughout America.

"Turn on any TV station and you'll find commentators condemning Trump for dividing this country," Biden said. "The opinion is almost unanimous that Trump is a divider and not a uniter. In virtually every city people are crying out for racial justice, but police are slaughtering black men in numbers that defy belief. Struggling to be heard, demonstrators have been forced to resort to more physical methods for registering their demand for change. But all Trump has to offer is law and order."

"The whole trouble in Kenosha started when police murdered Jacob Blake for no good reason," Biden contended. "Blake was a black man trying to visit his girl friend when he was cruelly shot in the back by a racist cop. An enraged citizenry struck a blow for racial justice by burning down the businesses near the location where Blake was shot."

"When Trump visited Kenosha a few days ago he made no effort to visit with Blake's family to apologize," Biden pointed out. "I filled that gap and had a nice conversation with his father. This is the kind of healing effort we expect from a president. Trump's refusal to do this demonstrated his unfitness for office."

The reality is that Blake had an outstanding warrant for his arrest for sexual battery when police encountered him violating a court order to keep his distance from the girl friend he had previously assaulted. He fought with the officers trying to arrest him and was shot while reaching into his car—possibly to get a weapon. The shots paralyzed him, but did not kill him. His father, Jacob Blake Sr. is a frequent poster of anti-Semitic screeds on Facebook.

Biden proffered no suggestions on how to restore peace to the streets of Kenosha other than "elect me in November so we can bring an end to the four-year nightmare that descended on this country when Trump took office." Biden said he didn't recall any anti-Semitic remarks being made by Blake Sr. during their conversation, but pointed out that "we still have free speech in this country and everyone who is not an enemy of the state is entitled to his opinions."

During the question-and-answer phase of Biden's Kenosha appearance his campaign went the extra mile by providing attendees with a list of pre-approved questions they could ask the candidate. An unappreciative black woman complained that "I'm just going to be honest, Mr. Biden, I was told to go off this paper, but I can't. You need the truth and I'm part of the truth. The people tearing up our neighborhood aren't local citizens. They're outsiders who have come into our town and destroyed businesses we need and depend on." The Kenosha Police confirmed that 58% of those arrested for the rioting, looting, and arson that destroyed the black business district were not residents of the city.

In related news, National Public Radio expressed its regrets for airing the controversial views of Vicky Osterweil. Osterweil is the author of In Defense of Looting. She contends that "looting is basically nonviolent. You're mass shoplifting. It gets people what they need for free immediately, which means that they are capable of living without having to rely on jobs or a wage. Most stores are insured; it's just hurting insurance companies on some level. It's just money. It's just property. It's not actually hurting any people." NPR apologized for not pointing out that looting doesn't make a positive contribution to society, that even with insurance the destruction and theft perpetrated by looters will result in higher business costs and higher prices for consumers.

Kanye West: "Abortion = Black Genocide"

In a message that may prove very inconvenient for the Democratic Party's political fortunes at the polls this November, rapper Kanye West points out that "in the 50 years since the Roe v. Wade Supreme Court decision more than 22 million black lives were terminated by abortion. Abortion kills more black people than HIV, homicide, diabetes, accidents, cancer, and heart disease combined."

"If we look deep into Margaret Sanger's motivations we see that reducing the black population was one of the intended goals of Planned Parenthood," West said. "In fact, a majority of Planned Parenthood's surgical abortion facilities are located within walking distance of neighborhoods with high black populations. Blacks make up only 13% of the current population, but account for 37% of the abortions. Isn't this institutionalized genocide?"

West is waging an independent campaign for the presidency under the banner of the "Birthday Party"--a name he says he chose "because it represents the babies who would be born because of my mission to spread a pro-life message." West previously shared images on Instagram of unborn children to convey the message: "These souls deserve to live."

Democrats have been working assiduously to keep West off the ballot and have succeeded in Arizona, Illinois, Ohio, Virginia, and West Virginia. Democratic vice-presidential nominee Sen. Kamala Harris (Calif) called West's campaign "a diversion from the critical issues in our Party's battle for the soul of America. As our presidential nominee has previously said 'blacks who don't vote for him ain't black.' West's candidacy is aimed at confusing black voters and is a great disservice to this country."

NFL Demands Social Justice Training for Fans

Alleging that "football cannot be properly understood by white fans," National Football League Commissioner Roger Goodell is scheduling a "social justice training session" to be aired on NBC on September 9th. The program will feature players reciting how much they have suffered under America's systemic racism.

"Many white fans seem to think that being able to earn millions of dollars playing professional football is a dream job," Goodell observed. "They are oblivious to the optics of mostly white fans gaining vicarious enjoyment from the tremendous suffering each black player must endure for their entertainment. This has a disturbing resemblance to the antebellum era when whites profited from the exploitation of black slaves. It's time that the truth about our brutal game is acknowledged."

"Ideally, social justice training ought to be a mandatory prerequisite to attending or watching a game," Goodell opined. "Someday we may be able to implement such a requirement. For now, we are offering the course kind of like an 'elective' and hope that fans will voluntarily take advantage of the opportunity to educate themselves."

Mayor Abandons Home

Portland Mayor Ted Wheeler announced that he is leaving his condo. Despite his loudly repeated support for the thugs who have been rioting in the city's streets for more than three months, their recent visit to the building in which he lives prompted him to abandon this property.

"I've done all I could think of to try to placate these mostly peaceful demonstrators, but when they set fire to the building and smashed windows I knew that I had failed to satisfy them," Wheeler sadly acknowledged. "My next step must be to renounce my ownership of this $800,000 luxury condo. What right have I to live in such a nice place when the wants of the mob have not been fully realized?"

The Mayor says he "will be moving into the tent city where the rioters spend the daylight hours. My hope is that being among them will help me transition to a welcomed member of the socialist collective they are trying to implement for Portland." Inasmuch as the mob is demanding Wheeler's resignation his efforts at becoming a full-fledged member of new ruling junta appear unlikely to succeed.

Meanwhile in Seattle, Mayor Jenny Durkan is asking the State Supreme Court to quash the recall petitions against her. While she insists that she hasn't broken any laws, voters complain that she has failed to support law and order. The Superior Court agreed and ruled that recall petitions may be circulated for signatures. Lawyers for the Mayor argue that "letting the recall proceed will have a chilling effect on the Mayors use of discretionary authority. Ordering the police to stand down, releasing rioters without bail, and refusal to pursue criminal cases against persons setting buildings on fire, looting merchandise, and terrorizing residents fall within the legitimate discretion of the Mayor. To oust her from office over these kinds of policy differences would set a bad precedent against arbitrary abuse of executive authority."

San Fran Nan Gets Blow Job

In defiance of California's statewide ban on indoor hair cuts, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) made an appointment to get a cut, shampoo, and blow out at her favorite salon. When word backed up by video evidence got out that she had done this despite her constant, obnoxious prattling about how others are obligated to obey the COVID-inspired social distancing, mask wearing, and shutdowns of nonessential businesses, she was rightfully mocked by nearly everyone. This prompted her to claim that "I did nothing wrong. I was set up and am owed an apology for being humiliated by a nobody who just happens to own a salon. I am the most important woman in America. I deserve respect."

Pelosi's stylist has defended the Speaker by pointing out that "she has been coming here every month during the whole time that salons were prohibited from serving customers. Why is this time different? Surely the previous ignored violations of the regulations have established a defacto right for her to ignore those regulations. The people criticizing her now are forgetting that 'rank has its privileges.' As this nation's most powerful woman I think she is rank enough to enjoy the privilege of an illicit hair cut."

San Francisco Mayor London Breed (D) also defended Pelosi's right to special exemption from the rules, saying that "Nancy Pelosi has done so much for this city and this country that she deserves the privilege to bypass the constraints that we have established for ordinary people. The real villain in this incident is Donald Trump. If it weren't for his dictatorship Gov. Newsom wouldn't have had to set regulations designed to strangle the state's economy in order to persuade voters to elect Vice-President Biden to replace Trump in the White House."

Since news of the Speaker's "mightier than thou" behavior went public ESalonSF owner Erica Kious has received hate text messages, death threats, and vows to burn her salon down. "My Yelp page is just unbelievable with bad reviews from people who have never been customers of my shop." She denied Pelosi's charge of a "set up" and asserted that "the key point in all this is if she's in there comfortably without a mask and feeling safe, then why are we shut down? Why am I not able to have clients come in?"

Fred Jones, counsel for the Professional Beauty Federation said "the deeper implication to Pelosi's visit is that an 80-year-old woman with access to incredible amounts of information felt comfortable being maskless in a hair salon. That clearly challenges the public pronouncements of the so-called health experts who have never provided any data or science justifying locking our industry down for six months."

DC Committee Recommends Removing Monuments

A committee reporting to D.C. Mayor Muriel Bowser (D) recommends removing the monuments, statues, and inscriptions honoring America's founders and heroes "whose connections to slavery and oppression render them unfit to be mentioned in the nation's capital." The so-called "rogues gallery" includes George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, James Monroe, Andrew Jackson, William Henry Harrison, John Tyler, Zachary Taylor, Woodrow Wilson; Benjamin Franklin, Alexander Graham Bell, and Francis Scott Key.

Committee members Bowser advisor Beverly Perry and public library director Richard Reyes-Gavilan asserted that "we believe strongly that all District of Columbia public spaces, facilities and commemorative works should only honor those individuals who exemplified those values such as equity, opportunity and diversity that DC residents hold dear."

Suggested swap outs include George Floyd—the man who launched a thousand riots—for George Washington, Jesse Jackson—mastermind of the Silicon Valley shakedown—for Andrew Jackson, and Tupac Shakur—creator of gangsta-rap—for Francis Scott Key.

"We need to memorialize individuals who embody the woke values of today and bury the false gods of the past," Perry said. "Whether the Washington Monument should be torn down entirely or be reconfigured into the image of George Floyd prostrate on the ground under the knee of a racist cop is a 50-50 proposition. Either way, though, it would be a vast improvement over the way it is now."

DA Says Looters Who Need What They Steal Aren't Criminals

Contra Costa County District Attorney Diana Becton instructed police officers in her jurisdiction to consider whether looters need what they steal before charging them.

"We need to get out from under the out-dated notion that stealing is always a crime," Becton said. "Just because one person owns something doesn't mean that someone else shouldn't take it from him. The current distribution of wealth is immoral. Actions taken to redistribute this wealth are justified if they result in a more equal sharing of the Earth's bounty. In most cases, the looting we are seeing in our cities over recent months clearly is shifting property from the more well-off to the less well-off. In such cases, the proper response by police would be to assist the looters in carrying off the merchandise from the stores they break into."

"Instead of perpetuating the systemic injustice of our racist society by hassling those engaged in looting, cops need to get in step with progressive values," Becton suggested. "Instead of cuffing the hands of the looters they should lift the other half of the big screen TV being stolen, help put it in the trunk of the getaway vehicle, fend off vigilantes trying to impede the peaceful transfer of property and give the swag-loaded vehicle an escort home."

"In the socialist utopia of the future any person will be able to enter any unlocked building or vehicle and take whatever is inside if he needs it," Becton envisioned. "Until that time, letting looters appropriate the goods they need is a good head start toward realizing this dream."

Democrat Operative Admits Vote Fraud

A Bernie Sanders supporter who has been working in a massive vote fraud operation for decades told New York Post reporter Jon Levine how it's done. The bag of tricks used to steal elections includes bribing homeless voters, taking advantage of dementia patients in nursing homes, posing as someone else to cast that person's ballot, printing up additional bogus ballots and removing real ballots from envelopes and replacing them with counterfeit ballots.

The whisteblower—whose identity, rap sheet and history working as a consultant to various campaigns were confirmed by The Post—admitted that he not only changed ballots himself, but led teams of fraudsters and mentored at least 20 operatives in New Jersey, New York and Pennsylvania. The elections stolen by these crooks included races in Paterson, Atlantic City, Camden, Newark, Hoboken and Hudson County, New Jersey.

The dirty tricks described by the whistleblower were anticipated by the Commission on Federal Election Reform in 2005. This bipartisan report was coauthored by ex-President Jimmy Carter, ex-Senate leader Tom Daschle, former Secretary of State James Baker, and former House Minority Leader Bob Michel.

The Commission strongly recommended safeguards to protect the integrity of the vote. A key recommended safeguard was requiring voters to present photo IDs in order to cast a ballot. Fifteen years ago, eminent Democrats like Carter and Daschle recognized the need to screen out ineligible and fraudulent voters. Today, Democrats vociferously oppose requiring photo IDs on the grounds that doing so will lower the vote total. There's no question that removing invalid voters will mean fewer votes are cast. But failure to weed out invalid votes allows fraudsters to cancel out valid votes and corrupts the democratic process.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) dismissed the 2005 report's relevance for today's politics. "President Carter and Senator Daschle didn't have to deal with the existential threat posed by Donald Trump," she said. "This man is so vile and dangerous that defeating him by any means necessary overrides any other ethical consideration. It is better to corrupt democracy than to allow this man to inflict another four years of tyranny on the American people."

BLM Adopts New Slogan

In a "hands-across-the ocean" moment, Black Lives Matter protesters in Philadelphia marched through the streets chanting "death to America."

"I know that Iran came up with the slogan before we did, but our goal of smashing capitalism and implementing Marxism in the United States essentially means the death of the America that currently exists," said BLM activist Stormy ZZZZs. "While we don't approve of the Islamic theocracy Iran envisions for humanity's future, we do share the conviction that the United States must cease for true progressive social justice to prevail."

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