IPFS John Semmens

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

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SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: October 4, 2020 Edition

Biden Hires Tech Execs

The Biden campaign announced that it is hiring Facebook executive Jessica Hertz to join his transition team as general counsel in charge of ethical issues. This is the Campaign's second "big tech" addition to the transition team. Earlier, Twitter's Director of Public Policy, Carlos Monje, was hired to co-chair the transition team's infrastructure policy committee.

A spokesperson for the Campaign called the hires "a natural consequence of both Twitter's and Facebook's anti-Trump policies. Rather than hew to an out-dated notion of impartiality, both of these highly influential information gatekeepers have actively identified content that lies outside the accepted progressive narrative of what is permissible. These companies' contributions to the election of the Harris-Biden ticket deserves a reward. Moreover, taking control over what can and can't be said will be an ongoing part of the transformation of the American political system begun by former President Obama. We want voters to know that we are all-in on this."

Schumer Vows Permanent Dem Majority

Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY) says "I am not busting my chops to become majority leader to do very little or nothing. We are going to get a whole lot done. Everything, everything is on the table." Moves already suggested by various members of the Democratic Party and the media include making Washington, DC and Puerto Rico states, ending the Senate filibuster, expanding the number of Supreme Court justices and adding enough progressive judges to ensure a Democratic majority.

Schumer called these proposals "just a start. I have been thinking about the idea of making China a state. The billion plus population would provide as many progressive votes as we could ever need. The majority of the House of Representatives would be Chinese. The majority of electoral votes would be cast by the Chinese. The anarchic and anti-social ideas of the Republicans would be forever silenced."

"Some skeptics wonder what's in it for China," the Senator said. "Why would they consent to being just one of the United States? Well, as the dominant state they would be able to mold US policy into one more agreeable to their interests from the inside. The need for them to build up a military force sufficient to defeat the United States would be eliminated. They could get what they want without having to go to war."

Schumer contended that "the benefit of lasting world peace that would flow from such a unification would be the greatest gift to humanity that has ever been delivered by anyone. I would expect that both Xi and I would be runaway winners of the most important Nobel Peace Prize ever awarded."

Black Entrepreneur Backs Trump

Black Entertainment Television founder Robert Johnson says he favors Trump over Biden in the upcoming election. "As a businessman, I will take the devil I know over the devil I don't know anytime," Johnson said. "I absolutely do not know what a President Biden would do. I haven't heard anything coherent from him."

Former Vice-President Joe Biden defended his decision to refuse to clarify where he stands, calling it "not my job. No president should have his hands tied prior to being elected. If I were to reveal my plans now that would only stir up needless controversy. It is the voters' job to elect me. Then they will find out what my policies are. If they don't trust me to do the right thing they should vote for the other guy. Either way, I won't be bullied into a corner I can't get out of."

Meanwhile, former Twitter CEO Dick Costolo warned that "you capitalists who think you can separate society from business are going to be the first people lined up against the wall and shot in the revolution. No one has the right to put their own personal interests ahead of the well-being of the collective. In the world we are trying to build there will be no more 'mine.' All will be 'ours.' The government will take charge of all resources and determine who gets what. Those who can work and produce will be required to work and produce. Those who cannot will get what they need via wealth redistribution. Those who object and resist will be liquidated."

Associate Press Says Call "Riots" "Unrest"

Concerned about the use of the word "riot" to describe the property destruction, assaults, and looting that have emerged amid the so-called "mostly peaceful" protests in many of this country's major cities, the Associated Press' "Stylebook" wants reporters to stop using the word.

According to the newly revised Stylebook, "the word 'riot' connotes a wild, disorderly, and unfocused violence and mayhem. Use of this word doesn't do justice to the underlying grievances that led to the violence and mayhem. A better word would be to describe these occurrences as 'unrest.' Unrest is a vaguer, milder and less emotional term for a condition of angry discontent and protest verging on revolt. We don't want legitimate grievances to be unfairly tainted merely because innocent victims are beaten, their businesses ransacked, and their buildings burned by the excessive exuberance of the protesters."

In related news, Chicago Mayor Lori Lightfoot objected to President Trump's characterization of her city as "a hotbed of crime and violence," calling it "ignorant and racist. The weekly shootings are a peculiar Chicago lifestyle that has evolved over many years. It represents deep-seated passions and a sense of spontaneity that outsiders may not be able to fully appreciate. We do not want Trump to mess it up by heavy-handed law-enforcement. The people should be free to solve their own problems in their own way. That is what America is all about."

Errant Mail-in Ballots in DC

In its quest to ensure that the maximum number of votes that could be cast are cast this November, the Washington, D.C., Board of Elections (DCBOE) has sent ballots to thousands of voters who have moved or died since previous elections. Many current residents of the homes and apartments vacated by the departed are being advised on how to handle the ballots winding up in their mail boxes.

DCBOE Chairman Michael Bennett explained that "there are several options for each recipient of a ballot intended for someone else. If you don't know the person the ballot is addressed to, return it to us and we'll try to find someone else to cast the ballot. If you do know the person—and this would especially apply in the case of a family member who has died—and you're confident you know how that person would've voted, go ahead and fill out the ballot on their behalf. If someone else in your apartment or neighborhood knows the person you may pass the ballot on to them. They can either fill it out or forward it to someone who will."

"Just because someone has died or moved doesn't mean he or she doesn't care who is elected," Bennett observed. "They are still part of the American family. We need to make every reasonable effort to implement their preferences so that they are not accidentally disenfranchised."

CNN Anchor Admits "Hunter Biden Is a Swamp Creature"

CNN anchor John King acknowledged that "many of the business dealings of Joe Biden's son Hunter appear shady. His apparent lack of expertise in the so-called businesses in which he is engaged raises a 'red flag.' The amounts that he has been paid seem large considering how little he knows about these businesses. I've even heard him admit that he probably wouldn't have gotten these deals if his father wasn't the vice-president. Hunter's a swamp creature. Like many people, he is cashing in on his family name to make money around the world."

For his part, Joe Biden claims that "all the accusations against my son have been totally discredited." Well, maybe not totally discredited. Joe himself is on video boasting about how he leveraged a US aid package to coerce the government of Ukraine to fire a prosecutor who was investigating his son's role in the allegedly corrupt Burisma energy company. And just a few weeks ago the Senate Homeland Security and Finance committees released an 87-page report on Hunter Biden's work with Burisma. The report charged that "officials within the Obama administration ignored the glaring warning signs when the vice president's son joined the board of a company owned by a corrupt Ukrainian oligarch."

King went on to point out that "to be honest, everyone knows that Washington is a 'swamp.' Influence pedaling and sweet-heart deals for those with power or connections are common. As the son of a man who has spent 47 years in the federal government it would be surprising for Hunter to have not tried to monetize his father's position like Joe's brother James did. A majority of voters agree that Joe Biden seems to have used his decades-long political career to enrich his family and close friends. The key question voters need to ask themselves is whether this normal exploitation of political power is a 'deal breaker' when it comes to electing the next president. Maybe it's a tolerable price to pay to get the incomparable talents of a man like Joe Biden into the White House. In a way, seeing things get back to normal by ousting Trump could be very comforting for so many of us."

Media Loses Trial Motion

The motion to have former Covington Catholic High School student Nick Sandmann's defamation lawsuit against the NY Times, Rolling Stone, ABC, & CBS dismissed was denied by the court. A previous motion by NBC was also denied. And the Washington Post has already settled the case against it by paying an undisclosed amount in damages.

Lawyers for the Times called the latest ruling "out of step with modern libel laws. It has been a well-established principle that when the alleged victim is a public figure he must prove malice motivated the inaccurate media reporting and the derogatory statements made about that public figure. Sandmann's attorney is passing him off as a private individual rather than the public figure that our reporting made him into. This is manifestly unfair."

"Let's not forget that Mr. Sandmann affronted public sensibilities by wearing a MAGA hat in a public space," said Times' attorney John Law. "This 'badge of infamy' identified the young Sandmann as an enemy of society and a provocateur. The people, like native American Nathan Phillips, were triggered by this intrusion into their space. The Times and others rightly did everything they could think of to rescue these triggered victims from the baleful indignities being inflicted on them by the now notorious Mr. Sandmann. That the Times and other media made unsubstantiated accusations and insinuations against Mr. Sandmann may be unfortunate, but they weren't malicious. We're confident that the slew of new judges that will be added to the courts by President Biden next year will reverse the court decision rendered today."

Wallace Blames Trump for Unruly Debate

Chris Wallace, the Fox News personality that moderated the presidential debate between President Trump and former Vice-President Joe Biden, blamed Trump for the cacophony of angry voices talking over each other that took place at the event.

"Granted, Mr. Biden was the first to break the rules about interrupting, but in my judgment he deserved a little leeway given his diminished mental capacity compared to Trump," Wallace contended. "And yes, I did more interrupting than either of the candidates did, but I was just trying to level the playing field by fact-checking what I considered Trump's misleading and inaccurate statements."

As an example of what he maintained justified him siding with Biden, Wallace said that "if a former vice-president says he will not answer my question it it up to me to press him if I feel it is warranted. It was improper for Trump to chime in demanding that Mr. Biden answer my question. Trump was attempting to invade my turf."

"Likewise, Trump's irritation on being repeatedly asked to denounce white power extremism was unjustified," Wallace asserted. "Sure, I asked him the same thing in the 2016 debate and many of my colleagues in the media have done the same thing dozens of times since then. And yes, Trump has denounced white extremism every time he's been asked, but what is wrong about us wanting to hear it again? As for Mr. Biden refusing to denounce Antifa, well I'm with him on that. Antifa is just an idea. To my mind we don't denounce ideas. That would be a violation of freedom of speech."

"I think the greatest loss, though, was that the viewers did not get to hear me ask all of the questions I had in my book," Wallace lamented. "My staff spent many hours crafting questions precisely tailored for each candidate. If it hadn't been for Trump's insistence that he be heard I could've put a stake through the heart of the monster that has misgoverned this country the last four years."

Biden Vows to Hike Taxes on Middle Class

In the summer of 2017, the Trump Administration proposed and the Congress enacted the Tax Cuts and Jobs Act. This legislation cut tax rates in every bracket and ensured higher take-home pay for the working and middle classes. The average family of four saved $2,000 in taxes and 91% in the middle income quintile received a tax cut. The US economy boomed.

During this week's debate Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden told viewers that "I'm going to eliminate the Trump tax cuts. The Republican notion that people have a right to keep more of their hard-earned money is mistaken and selfish. Individuals do not have the necessary knowledge or incentives to determine the best use of our nation's scarce resources. Only the government knows which needs are more urgent than others. My administration will reverse Trump and the Republicans' mistake and replace anarchic selfishness with collective solidarity. As I've always said, there isn't anything we can't accomplish as long as we do it together. Making sure we all move together in the same direction at the same time will magnify the power of government to achieve great things."

In related news, a CNN analysis found that almost all of the big banks and brokerage firms of Wall Street are backing Biden over Trump. Their donations to elect Biden have topped $51 million, while their donations to elect Trump are less than $11 million.

Cuomo Blames Trump for NY Deficit

New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D) repudiated the state's debt and vowed "not to pay a single cent of it. Every prior president and congress has recognized that New York is America's 'trophy wife' and covered the losses incurred in running this country's greatest state. It is only Trump and the Republicans in congress who are now balking at bearing a burden gladly accepted by both Parties prior to now."

The City of New York has a current $9 billion shortfall. The State of New York has a $30 billion shortfall. These gaps were created by the combined profligacy of both the City and State governments and the insanely strict lock-down policies that are strangling commerce.

"Profligacy has been a long-standing policy of our state and its largest city for decades," Cuomo pointed out. "You can't have the highest paid public employees with the nation's most generous retirement benefits without incurring significant costs. If you want quality, you have to pay the price. Every American must pay his or her fair share of the cost for maintaining the standard of living for these loyal civil servants."

"At the same time, our tax revenue stream has been annihilated by the measures we implemented to combat the COVID-19 pandemic," the Governor reminded. "Some have maintained that we were too strict and that the lock-downs have lasted too long. I say that as long as one life can be saved no restriction is too strict nor in place too long. Since the arrival of COVID is not our fault we shouldn't have to bear the burdens our measures have inflicted on the citizens of New York. It is Trump's job to extract the funds needed to pay these costs from whoever has the money. If he won't do this job voters should elect a Democrat who will. Until that happens, I'm not accepting any responsibility for the debts we owe."

In related news, Cuomo has ordered the state's contingent of the National Guard to clean up the garbage thrown into the streets of New York City by its residents. "Mayor de Blasio's plan to rely on the booming population of rats to eat the excess garbage is too 'iffy' for my taste," Cuomo said. "Rather than allow the Guard to sit on their asses in the midst of this emerging health crisis, I'm ordering them to haul the garbage to New Jersey and dump it there during the nighttime hours."

Another Nobel Prize Nomination for Trump

Australian law professor David Flint along with several colleagues has nominated President Trump for yet another Nobel Peace Prize. Citing what he dubbed the "Trump Doctrine," Flint said "President Trump's deviation from the previous American policy of permanent war is an extraordinary shift toward common sense that has saved lives and will continue to do so as long as the new policy persists."

Joe Biden, Trump's opponent in the 2020 presidential election, called the nomination "just as laughable as the other two he received earlier this year. The readiness to engage in permanent war for permanent peace has been the bedrock foundation of American foreign policy for as long as I can remember. When Barack was president every bad guy on the face of the Earth knew he was within a whisker of being droned to death. This supported the balance-of-terror needed to fend off an even worse conflagration."

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