IPFS John Semmens

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

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SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: December 5, 2021 Edition

Comparing Fauci to Mengele Unfair

This week in an appearance on Fox News, commentator Lara Logan reported that some people she has talked to "see parallels between Nazi Dr. Josef Mengele and Dr. Anthony Fauci. The measures Dr. Fauci has advocated for dealing with the covid pandemic—the lockdowns, the vaccine mandate, the discrimination against those who don't want to be injected with an experimental drug—have damaged the lives of so many. Small businesses were destroyed, civil liberties have been trampled, poverty was worsened, suicides soared."

Dr. Fauci maintained that "any comparison between Mengele and me is slander. I am the embodiment of science. Mengele was a war criminal. Logan needs to be punished. Yet, her employer shows no sign that they will sanction her."

"Let's look at the facts," Fauci demanded. "Mengele's medical experiments were conducted for the evil purpose of aiding Germany's war of aggression. All of my medical experiments have been motivated by my desire to help humanity. Mengele selectively sacrificed the lives of Jews. My experiments have been nondiscriminatory."

"Knowing what to do during this pandemic has been difficult," the Doctor admitted. "It has always been my belief that vaccines are the key to defeating any virus. We didn't have time to thoroughly test them before inoculating the billions who would need them to stave off covid. So, in a way, the inoculation program is the stage three clinical trial that had to be cut short last year. Did we get informed consent from our billions of test subjects? No, there wasn't time. Have the vaccinations killed some people? Yes, but the tens of thousands who have been sacrificed have enabled billions to benefit from being vaccinated. I'm satisfied with this tradeoff."

"While Dr. Fauci may be happy with this tradeoff others are not," Logan observed. "It should not be surprising to him that some of the 'guinea pigs' in his global experiment might feel they have been unfairly used. Obviously, his motives differed from Mengele's, but his 'putting all the eggs in the vaccination basket' was flawed. Recently published studies show that hundreds of thousands of lives could have been saved by early treatment with ivermectin, hydroxychloroquine, vitamin D, zinc, and other supplements. Yet, Dr. Fauci vigorously opposed these treatment options. A little humility on his part after all of his earlier mistakes might blunt some of the anger many feel toward him."

In related news, there are now 142 studies vouching for the near-perfect correlation between higher vitamin D levels and better outcomes in COVID patients. A recent German study found almost zero morbidity for those with a vitamin D level above 50 ng/mL. The authors say that "the failure of government medical experts to encourage the consumption of more vitamin D was a lost opportunity to save the lives of most of those who died of covid."

Looters Arrested and Quickly Released

A smash-and-loot crime spree is sweeping the nation. Like many other "trending" fads, this innovation arose from California where left-wing jurisdictions thought it would be a "woke" triumph to decriminalize the theft of $950 or less by any one thief at any one occasion. The trending fad started out slowly a couple of months back as lone thieves shoplifted a few items. Now, gangs of a dozen or more barge into stores, smash display cases with hammers, and load getaway cars parked outside before fleeing with their loot.

The Los Angeles Police Department announced the arrest and immediate release of 14 suspects in connection with several recent smash-and-loot episodes. Mayor Eric Garcetti (D) said he hopes "these arrests will show the citizens of this city that we are not oblivious to these behaviors."

Police Chief Michel Moore explained that "we had to release them because we couldn't find more than $950 worth of stolen property in their possession when we arrested them."

The Mayor added, "we must be careful not to tread on the voters' Prop 47 approval of this new career path for residents of the State. This is especially crucial during the run up to the holidays. Many of those we arrested say they haven't finished their shopping and need a few more weeks to grab some more gifts."

Anti-Slave Labor Bill Blocked

A Republican effort to pass legislation prohibiting the importation of products produced by slave-labor was blocked by Democrats. The Uyghur Forced Labor Prevention Act, sponsored by Sen. Marco Rubio, was opposed by the Biden Administration and climate envoy John Kerry. Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY) ruled the proposed legislation out of order.

Kerry argued that "there are two big problems with the GOP proposal. First, attaching conditions on how another country runs its economy is an invasion of their sovereign rights. While slavery is seen as very negative in the US, other countries have a more nuanced point of view. It is not for us to impose our values on them."

"Second, a lot of the goods needed for the President's Build Back Better (BBB) program are manufactured in China by Uyghur laborers," Kerry pointed out. "Not only would the GOP bill exclude these vital products and thereby impede BBB, it would also insult our most important trade partner. It is simply irresponsible to take such a step given China's military superiority. It is more prudent for us to take a conciliatory position rather than invite possible retaliation."

Dems Worried Roe v. Wade May Be Overturned

This week the US Supreme Court heard arguments in the case of Dobbs v. Jackson Women's Health. The issue is whether a Mississippi law limiting abortions to the first 15 weeks of pregnancy is constitutional.

Justice Sonya Sotomayor asserted that "allowing the Mississippi law to stand would effectively overrule the Court's 1973 Roe v. Wade decision that declared abortion a fundamental right. The claim that abortion murders a human being must fail given that fetuses are basically brain-dead blobs of tissue. Removing them from a woman's body is akin to removing a tumor." She went on to warn that "undoing the great advance in human rights that this Court granted in 1973 would create a stench over today's Court."

Justice Elena Kagan contended that "abortion has been part of the fabric of women's existence in this country for almost 50 years. If we uphold the Mississippi law we will be rending this fabric and allowing states to take differing positions on whether abortions should be easier or harder to obtain. We would end up with a patchwork quilt of diverse approaches from state to state. This could create serious inconveniences for many women."

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) pointed out that "in 1973 the Court realized that engaging in sex resulted in many unwanted pregnancies and created a convenient and safe escape route. Now it looks like some of the Justices think that was a bad idea. Justice Alito even suggested that the unwanted baby's right to life should supersede the mother's right to dispose of him. Overturning Roe v. Wade would mean that each state could decide what limits can be placed on abortion. That would be a disaster. Look at what's happening right now with the pandemic. Some states are requiring vaccinations, masks, and quarantines. Others are allowing individuals to make their own decisions. We can't afford to repeat this same chaos when it comes to abortion. The rules should be uniform everywhere in the country. Reaffirming Roe v. Wade is the easiest way this can be accomplished."

Sen. Jeanne Shaheen (D-NH) warned that "overturning Roe v. Wade will mean revolution. The young men and women in this country cherish the right to abort their unwanted children. If it's taken away from them there will be rioting in the streets that would make the George Floyd riots look tame. The notion that they should put up with each state making its own laws on abortion is a threat to our democracy. That's why the Supreme Court must reaffirm the Roe v. Wade ruling."

Call for Universal Compulsory Vaccination

Like President Biden, CNBC host Jim Cramer has lost patience with people who refuse to be vaccinated for covid. He vented his rage on the network's "Mad Money" show, saying "It's time to admit that we have to go to war against covid."

Cramer bolstered his "war" analogy by "calling for US military forces to storm the lairs of the vaccine refusers and make them take the shot" because "it's everyone's patriotic duty to support the war effort."

Cramer was unfazed by the fact that three different judges have halted President Biden's vaccine mandate, calling it an unconstitutional abuse of executive authority. "These judges have no troops at their command," Cramer reminded. "Neither do they have armed police to enforce their edicts. President Biden has both. That's probably why he isn't backing down."

Cramer expressed disappointment that OSHA has deferred enforcing the President mandate until the legality is adjudicated in the courts. "These wimps make me sick," he fumed. "So do the businesses who hesitate to back the President out of fear that they could be held liable if the mandate is ultimately declared void. It won't matter. President Biden can grant them the same immunity from lawsuits that the vaccine manufacturers have."

In related news, former President Barrack Obama and Dr. Anthony Fauci made a surprise visit to the Kimball Elementary School in Washington, DC where children were being injected with one of the covid vaccines. "I am pleased to report that unlike what happened in Australia, there were no successful escapes," Fauci said. "There were a few attempts, but President Obama used his athleticism to catch them all before they could leave the building."

China Takes Ownership of Uganda

Failure to repay a loan taken from China in 2015 to improve the Entebbe Airport resulted in the Chinese government taking possession of the country and its entire population.

Ugandan Finance Minister Matia Kasaija admitted he had not thoroughly examined the terms of the loan documentation and apologized "for the hardships that will befall our people. As I now read the terms, our people are now the chattel property of the Chinese government and will be shipped as replacement workers for Uyghurs who succumb to the harsh conditions in China's solar panel factories. Perhaps it is somewhat consoling that the lives that will be lost will be used to increase a non-fossil fuel energy source."

A sign of the dire consequences to come was manifested earlier in the year when the delegation of Ugandan officials sent to try to renegotiate the loan terms were mistakenly fed to President Xi's pet tigers. The Ugandan government filed a complaint with the United Nations, but China used its authority as a permanent member of the UN's Security Council to veto it.

China is expected to use the real estate acquired to build yet another naval base "to bolster our defenses against capitalist imperialism."