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SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

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SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: January 16, 2022 Edition

DC Announces New Vaccine Passport

The Washington, D.C. Department of Health announced that "beginning January 15, any person wanting to enter any indoor space—including government buildings, restaurants, bars, theaters, gyms, and hotels—in the Capital must show a photo ID and proof of having been vaccinated for covid. Mayor Muriel Bowser said "the convergence of major public health menaces—the emergence of the Omicron variant of covid and the arrival of two major disease vectors—the Annual March for Life on January 21 and the Defeat the Mandates March  on January 23—are the reason for this new decree."

"While we can't legally bar the hundreds of thousands of unvaccinated anti-government subversives from exercising their constitutionally protected right to publicly assemble and air their grievances we can make conditions difficult and possibly intolerable by interdicting their attempts to find food or shelter within the DC area. If we also have the good fortune to see inclement weather the invasion of these undesirables may be considerably diminished in size."

Republican candidate for governor of Texas Wayne Allyn Root called Bowser's move "a betrayal of the freedoms my father almost died defending in WWII. It was the Nazis who discriminated against, persecuted, and ultimately murdered its political dissenters and Jews—characterizing them as dirty, filthy, dangerous, diseased, criminal, disloyal, and selfish. It is shameful to see the mayor of the nation's capital starting down this heinous road."

In support of the Mayor's objectives, the Busboys and Poets restaurant cancelled the Democrats for Life of America's previously scheduled reservation for a meeting room in the restaurant. A spokeswoman for the restaurant explained that "while we generally welcome conversations from individuals expressing different viewpoints and pride ourselves on being a venue for respectful conversations between diverse groups, we are also a safe space. As such, we cannot knowingly accept events designed to interfere with a woman's right to terminate the life of her unwanted child."

In related news, Democrats continue to demand the elimination of photo IDs and signatures as requirements for casting ballots in elections. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) contends that "any attempt to force a person to disclose their identity before being given a ballot is a violation of privacy." She differentiated between "requiring IDs for voting and requiring them for other important reasons like preventing those who haven't taken the covid vaccine from being allowed to mingle with and infect the loyal Americans who have voluntarily complied with the government's orders that they get vaccinated. An illegitimate vote is of little threat to the country. An unvaccinated individual is a threat to health and life."

Robbery Victim Dissed by Mayor

After Gold Coast Exotic Motor Cars was the victim of a "smash and grab" robbery, Chicago Mayor Lori Lightfoot visited co-owner Joe Perino to chastise him for not taking a correct approach to the rising crime wave in the city.

"As I having been saying for a long time now, it's the failure of businesses to take proper precautions that is the big factor in the surging crime rate," Lightfoot insisted. "Look at all the mistakes that Perino's business has made. First, there's the name of the business. Including the word 'exotic' invites criminals' attention. Second, offering expensive cars and watches—which were the items stolen in the smash and grab—is asking for trouble. Just these two mistakes alone sealed his fate. His refusal to rename his business to something less tempting like 'Ordinary Automobiles and Cheap Watches,' and carrying less valuable merchandise shows he is an idiot."

Following his meeting with the Mayor Perino's shop was invaded by a contingent from the Department of Business Affairs and Consumer Protection who ended up citing the business for 17 violations of City regulations, the most serious of which was "employees and a customer not wearing face masks." A spokesman for the City said "the timing of the inspection was coincidental" and advised Perino "not to expect to see any arrests made for the robbery until he takes the Mayor's advice more seriously. He needs to realize that he bears at least as much of the blame for the robbery as the thieves do."

In related news, Chicago Alderman Michelle Smith (D-43rd ward) is suggesting that "the best way for us to fight crime is for citizens to run toward robbers while simultaneously blowing whistles whenever they witness a crime in progress. This will force the offender to flee and eventually lead to fewer crimes being attempted." Smith boasted that "since the citizens aren't on the City's payroll like the police are we can also save money and show that police aren't necessary to keep our community safe."

Biden Urges States & Businesses to Ignore Supreme Court

While many on the right are calling the Supreme Court's ruling that President Biden's attempt to compel businesses to force employees to get vaccinated is unconstitutional a victory for personal freedom, the White House doesn't agree.

Presidential Press Secretary Jen Psaki explained that "the President is going to channel his inner Andrew Jackson and ignore the Supreme Court's ruling. As he sees it, the Supreme Court has its opinion and he has his own. He has no obligation to support its ruling, especially where the nation's health is at stake. He has ordered businesses to proceed with the implementation of his vaccine mandate as both a demonstration of their obedience to his authority and their commitment to unity. Concurrently he has told the states to go forward with whatever anti-virus measures they deem appropriate under the powers reserved to them by the Tenth Amendment to the US Constitution."

Taking a page from the way Obamacare was upheld by the Court, Biden's staff is working on a plan to convert the vaccine mandate into a tax. Psaki observed that "while OSHA has limited powers, the government has an unlimited power to levy a tax. The feeling is that if the President would reword his order along the lines of the Obamacare law's fine for persons who refuse to buy health insurance by mandating a fine for refusing to get vaccinated the Court would be obliged to rule the mandate constitutional, just as Chief Justice Roberts ruled a few years ago by calling the Obamacare fine a tax and thereby rendering it invulnerable to future challenges."

Biden's confidence in this ploy was bolstered by a Rasmussen poll showing that 78% of Democrats favor harsh measures to punish both those who won't get vaccinated and those who criticize the government's covid policies. Democrats favor fining those who refuse the jabs and incarcerating those who criticize the government's policies.

In related news, Quebec Premier François Legault's impatience with the 10% of the province's population that hasn't been vaccinated has inspired him to propose levying "a crippling tax on vaccine refusers. This selfish minority must be brought into compliance by any means necessary. If inflicting bankruptcy on them fails to induce obedience we can always either forcibly inject them or confine them to quarantine work camps in the most inhospitable climates our province has to offer."

Newspaper Apologizes for Publishing Covid Propaganda

The editors of the Danish newspaper Ekstra Bladet apologized for "thoughtlessly regurgitating the official government narrative on covid without ever questioning the validity of the content. We got swept up in the 'end-of-the-world' hysteria that led to bogus claims that 'science' required the incoherent and authoritarian measures that ruined millions of livelihoods, cost trillions of dollars, and encouraged vicious hatred of the scapegoats designated by government health authorities and politicians."

"Good journalism emanates from skepticism," the editors wrote. "If we are to avert a further decline into insanity we must return to this foundation of our business. A self-governing people must have accurate information and access to different points of view. Going forward we will strive to repair some of the damage we helped bring down on the citizens of Denmark these past two years by our uncritical acceptance of government propaganda. We hope readers will give us this chance to make amends."

Dr. Anthony Fauci, the world's foremost expert on covid, expressed dismay "that a formally dedicated adherent to following the science has set itself apart from the only possible strategy for dealing with the virus. Bringing in different interpretations and opinions will only confuse people. Battling an adversary as tough as the coronavirus requires that we all march to the same drummer. I am that drummer. The mandatory measures we have devised must be implemented with expeditious and unquestioning obedience in order for them to work. We can't afford the luxury of a free press or dissenting views."

Pfizer CEO Admits Vaccine Is Failing

Pfizer CEO Albert Bourla appeared in a video with Yahoo Finance's Anjalee Khemlani to discuss covid vaccines, boosters, and Omicron. During the discussion Bourla observed that "we know that the two doses of the vaccine offer very limited protection, if any." He went on to recommend that people take more doses.

This nonsensical recommendation is made even more absurd by a leaked Pentagon document indicating that the efficacy of hydroxychloroquine and ivermectin as treatments for covid were known to government health officials in May of 2020. Khemlani asked Bourla for his reaction to this.

"Yeah, we all knew the efficacy of any therapy would have torpedoed Operation Warp Speed's success," Bourla said. "For us to invest in creating the vaccine we needed three things. First was a guarantee that the government would buy our vaccine without insisting on the normal series of tests for safety and efficacy. Second was a guarantee of total immunity for any harm that might result from administering our inadequately tested formula. Third was the government's assurance that there would be no recognition or approval of any therapy other than vaccination for dealing with covid and a 'good faith' effort to censor everyone who suggested that there is a viable alternative to the vaccine."

"We did have a scary moment in early 2020 when President Trump called hydroxychloroquine a 'game changer' in the battle against the virus," Bourla admitted. "Luckily, Trump is a notorious germaphobe and very trusting of doctors. Through Dr. Fauci's perseverance, both publicly and behind the scenes, any further discussion of either hydroxy or ivermectin was mostly silenced and its advocates successfully portrayed as kooks and quacks. Pfizer went on to earn $30 billion from its vaccine in the first year with billions more to come now that boosters on a semi-annual basis are now virtually assured. Not only is this good for Pfizer. It's also a great stimulant for the economy that was hard hit by the lockdowns that had to be imposed before our vaccine was available."

When radio talk show host Clay Travis got a hold of a copy of the Bourla video and posted it to his website he was charged with copyright infringement by Pfizer's lawyers who asserted that "Travis' listeners are not the intended audience for Mr. Bourla's remarks."

In other bad news headed Pfizer's way, the European Medicines Agency (EMA) now cautions that "too many covid booster shots may have an adverse effect on human immune systems, making the inoculated more vulnerable to other potential heath threats like myocarditis or cancer. Besides, the emergence of the very mild omicron variant and its rapid spread will enable the world to quickly and cheaply attain herd immunity and eliminate the need for any more boosters."

Meanwhile, Dr. Rhia Kundu, of the National Heart & Lung Institute within Imperial College London said "our study found that high levels of pre-existing T cells, created by the body when infected with other human coronaviruses like the common cold, can protect against COVID-19 infection." Co-author Professor Ajit Lalvani said "the study provides the clearest evidence to date that T cells induced by common cold coronaviruses play a protective role against SARS-CoV-2 infection. These T cells provide protection by attacking proteins within the virus, rather than the spike protein on its surface."

IRS May Eliminate Tax Refunds

IRS Charles Rettig warned that "due to the enormous challenges the government faces we may no longer be able to afford giving refunds on your taxes."

"The very fact that we already have the money and are trillions of dollars in debt creates a tremendous pressure to simply keep the money," Retig said. "This alone would lower the government's expenses. We would also save money by not having to process returns that are filed. While it's probably too late to save every taxpayer the time and trouble of preparing and filing, we could certainly save time and trouble here at our offices by just trashing the returns already filed or on their way. Of course, if we announce the elimination of refunds, the procrastinators will be spared the effort of preparing and sending in their forms."

"Further, I would argue that the fact that the taxpayers have been able to survive without this money withheld from them by their employers is a significant sign that they don't really need this money as much as the government does," Retig surmised. "I mean, no one owes as much as we do. At $28 trillion in the hole we're worse off than those economically flush enough to have earned an income that can be taxed. So I'd have to say that us just keeping the money seems a fairer way to do things."

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