IPFS John Semmens

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

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SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: November 13, 2022 Edition

Mandate for More of the Same

A chipper President Biden declared victory in the midterm elections, saying "the red wave didn't happen. So, I'm not changing anything." He took special pride from polls showing that 75% of voters are unhappy with the country's direction by reminding everyone that "we won anyway. This is a vote of confidence in our Party's ability to turn things around."

However, Joy Behar, co-host of ABC's "The View" was less exuberant than Biden and castigated voters "for not giving Democrats a super-majority. Democrat policies are saving the planet, protecting women's rights to terminate unwanted pregnancies, and saving us from covid. What more do they want?"

Presidential Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre defended her boss by pointing out "the Party's strong support for abortion won the votes of two-thirds of the single women who cast ballots. This was crucial, since mothers voted Republican by a similar margin making abortion available everywhere will save single women from becoming Republican-voting mothers. His promise to end coal and oil won 75% of the college-educated voters. And knowing he will stay strong against covid won nearly 100% of the votes of people still wearing masks. These were remarkable achievements against the Republican enemies of democracy who are resisting his every effort. He and the Party aren't changing their determination to free this country from selfish individualism by transforming it into a unified collective where everyone sacrifices for the good of humanity whether they like it or not."

Speaking of a "vote of confidence," the statistics for October showed 19 straight months of decline in real hourly wages. This negative trend in worker compensation amounting to a negative 2.8% over the last year combined with the 7.7% increase in prices due to inflation reduced household purchasing power by 10.5%. Dwindling supplies of oil and natural gas resulting from Biden's vow to end drilling point to higher heating bills in the colder parts of the country (home heating prices in Europe are predicted to rise 90% this winter). So, it doesn't look like things will be turning around here as long as Mr. "I'm not changing anything" remains in office.

In related news, Chair of the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee Rep. Sean Patrick Maloney (NY), the guy who recommended that his constituents combat inflation by eating Chef Boyardee Ravioli, was an upset loser in the race to keep his seat. Exit polls revealed that his recommendation of the soggy canned pasta turned Italian voters solidly against him. One polled voter said "he voted for the big spending that gave us inflation. Now I should feed my family crap? He should be thrown out on his culo."

Communism Will Cure Climate Change

This week 400 private jets flew to Sharm El Sheikh, Egypt for the 27th United Nations Climate Change Conference (COP27) carrying the elite members of humanity that are working on a plan to save the planet. Many posts to social media pointed out that travel by private jet is far more polluting than travel by commercial airlines. Climate Action Against Disinformation, a group that analyses trends in false information on social media, debunked complaints that such luxurious modes of travel demonstrate hypocrisy, saying that "the value of time for these best and brightest of our species far outweighs the extra pollution."

U.S. Special Presidential Envoy for Climate John Kerry, recently honored in a Veterans' Day tribute by President Biden as "literally, one of the most decorated men to fight," called "the successful battle against covid a model for the kind of collective approach we need to fight climate change. A key building block of our strategy is a commitment to spend $2 trillion to $4.5 trillion per year to fund the technological and behavioral initiatives required."

"While some portions of the population will voluntarily comply with what we ask of them, others will not," Kerry observed. "Only a minority of Americans have been motivated to buy electric vehicles despite substantial government subsidies. Even robust advertising hasn't made fake meat a popular option. We need to resort to more direct methods like the Chinese point system that punishes individuals who refuse to obey."

While China may serve as a model for the effectiveness of coercion for getting its people to obey its dictates, it is currently the world's largest polluter. In addition, President Xi is not attending COP27. Kerry called this "unfortunate," but suggested that "if we were to modify our free market system into a more centrally directed economy President Xi might feel less threatened and agree to join our collective effort."

Digital Currency to Aid Tyranny

Fabio Panetta, an Executive Board Member of the European Central Bank (ECB), has proposed that users of the digital euro should only be allowed to spend €50 per transaction and have a maximum monthly spending limit of €1,000. "People spend too much on frivolous and unnecessary junk," Panetta said. "We can't do much about that when people have currency in their hands. With digital money, though, we can guide people to better choices by putting them on an 'allowance' so to speak. This will tamp down binge spending. The money saved can be deposited in a fund that could be used for what the government considers more important purposes."

German Minister of Finance Christian Lindner suggested that "even greater control could be achieved by making the digital euro programmable. This would enable us to specify that it can only be spent on government-approved merchandise or at government-approved businesses. It could also be programmed to expire within a certain amount of time. This 'use it or lose it' feature would discourage hoarding. If the push of a button could erase all of a person's wealth anti-government attitudes and actions could be quickly snuffed out."

While a poll found that 43% of respondents ranked privacy as their top concern with digital money, Christine Lagarde, President of the ECB rejected privacy "because it would contravene other public policy objectives such as ensuring compliance with anti-money laundering rules and combating the financing of terrorism. Rather than simply hoping that citizens would vote against the enemies of democracy as President Biden had to do in the recent American elections, their funds could simply be confiscated and the threat aborted before it can do any harm."

The United States has confirmed that its digital currency won't provide privacy. Secretary of the Treasury Janet Yellen said "the US digital dollar will be identity verified. We will know who owns each dollar and how it is spent. If any of this money is being used improperly it can be seized under our property forfeiture authority without having to go through the trouble of a trial and be thwarted by all that 'reasonable doubt' obstruction delaying essential action. The seized funds could then be used to attain a more equitable redistribution of society's scarce resources."

President Biden suggested that "converting to a digital currency will make it easier to ensure that our resources are being spent on our greatest needs. Take the proposal to build high-speed rail between Scranton--my boyhood home--and New York. Passenger revenues won't be enough to fund it. Getting a tax increase through Congress will be tough. But if we could directly seize money from the enemies of democracy we'd kill two birds with one stone."

Biden to Intimidate Twitter

At his post-election press conference Wednesday President Biden was asked if he had concerns about Elon Musk's acquisition of Twitter. "I think that Elon Musk's cooperation and/or technical relationships with other countries is worthy of being looked at," he responded.

"Look, we had a great relationship with Twitter before Musk butted in," the President said. "They were very compliant with our desire to censor erroneous information, ideas, and opinions. Trump was permanently banned. Questions about the covid vaccines were quickly stifled. Dissent from our policy on the war in Ukraine was suppressed. Musk has reneged on all of this. He says Twitter will allow freedom of speech now that he is in charge. This poses a direct threat to our security. So, hell yeah, we're going to look for any way we can to persuade him to get back in line."

"Examining the transactions he's had with other companies could turn up something fishy," Biden added. "Maybe he's getting payoffs from China or Russia. What might these countries be expecting in return? I mean, considering that we are subsidizing the purchase of his electric vehicles I find his unwillingness to cooperate with us to fight against the disinformation that Twitter users will now be able to disseminate under his self-proclaimed 'freedom of speech absolutism' ungrateful. I'd prefer that he cooperate voluntarily, but if duress is required to influence how he runs that company I am ready to provide it."

Parents Gain Ground in Local School Boards

In his post-election victory speech Sen. Tim Scott (R-SC) was pleased to see that many parents seeking seats on local school boards were winning their races. "We are putting parents back in charge of their kids' education," he gleefully observed.

Rep. Eric Swalwell (D-Calif) disagreed, saying that "letting parents have a say in their children's education is just stupid. Parents are totally unqualified to determine what their children need to learn. It's like letting patients have a say on whether or not to have surgery. That should be left up to the experts. Most of the parents running for school boards want to drag the schools backwards to an era where the three 'Rs' dominated in the classroom. Most of the experts agree that there are more important lessons that need to be learned."

"We've seen what many of the so-called experts want to teach these youngsters," Scott responded. "Critical Race Theory encourages racism, Drag Queen Story Time celebrates perversion, and sex-change propaganda puts some vulnerable students on the path to gruesome mutilations and a high rate of suicide in pursuit of the impossible notion that one can change one's sex. These ideas are what's stupid. Parents are the wise ones. They know that their kids need to learn how to read and understand numbers so they can succeed in life."

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