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SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

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SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: December 4, 2022 Edition

GOP Leadership Wants to Aid Dems in Lame-Duck Session

With Republicans set to be the majority in the House in January, Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Tex) is severely disappointed in Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ken) who seems intent on giving Democrats everything they want during the "lame-duck" period between the elections and the start of the next session.

"Rather than wait until a Republican-led House can serve as a counterweight to the Democrats' spending spree, McConnell seems determined to help them pass another gargantuan appropriation that can only worsen the inflation the nation is currently experiencing," Cruz complained.

McConnell defended the accommodation, saying that "we cannot risk the possibility that government programs might suffer from insufficient funding. Granted, a large portion of the money will be wasted on outlays of little or no value to the American people, but if we don't fund this waste Democrats will short-change essential programs like national defense. As for inflation, Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen has assured us that consumer spending is the chief culprit."

Yellen confirmed McConnell's perception by pointing out that "too many people are buying stuff they don't need. For example, despite the fact that the majority of our population is overweight they aren't cutting back their spending on food. They continue to buy expensive meat instead of lower-priced beans as their main source of protein. Another example is driving around in a personal vehicle instead of riding public transit. This kind of undisciplined self-indulgence takes resources away from vital government programs. I commend Sen. McConnell for having the courage to join with Democrats to divert more resources to government use."

In related news, New York Mayor Eric Adams is planning to hire a "rat czar" to help reduce the city's population of these destructive rodents. "I think we can accomplish two objectives," he said. "First, we can decimate disease-carrying vermin. Then by converting these animals into food we will be able to provide a less expensive source of protein for consumers struggling with high food prices. Eating rats is routine in many parts of the world. Rat-on-a-stick is very popular in Vietnam and Cambodia. And the British eat rat pie."

Biden Wants to Revise Nominating Process

From his perch as the head of the Democrat Party, President Biden is urging the Democratic National Committee (DNC) to revise the timing of the 2024 primaries. Traditionally, Iowa has been first with its caucus method of selecting delegates. New Hampshire has been second.

"Too often over the past fifty years, candidates have dropped out or had their candidacies marginalized by the press and pundits because of poor performances in small states early in the process before voters of color cast a vote," Biden observed. "As we saw in the 2020 cycle, allowing these white states to lead nearly torpedoed my nomination. I did so poorly in in Iowa and New Hampshire that many were saying I ought to drop out. It was only when the venue shifted to South Carolina that my dominant showing convinced all my opponents to drop out of the race. Someone should not be the Democratic nominee and win a general election unless they show they have overwhelming support from voters of color."

"Look how the country has prospered under my leadership." the President said. "All of these achievements would've been lost if I hadn't been able to overcome the handicap of a bad sequence of primaries. Going forward, South Carolina should be first, then Nevada and New Hampshire on the same day, then Georgia and finally Michigan."

Biden also called for an end to the caucus option, saying "caucuses require voters to go vote in public and spend significant amounts of time to cast a vote. This disadvantages anyone who does not have the flexibility to go to a voting location at a set time. They also negate the opportunity for the ballot harvesting that has proved so vital in securing victory for the forces of democracy in both the 2020 and 2022 elections."

A potential snag for the changes Biden wants is that state legislatures determine the timing and procedures that are used to select delegates for the Parties' conventions. Getting them all to cooperate on a revised process won't be easy. Claiming that the changes he proposes for the primary process are "just as essential for democracy to triumph over its right wing enemies as vaccines are to triumph over covid. If the states can't get there acts together I will mandate the necessary reforms."

In related news, during the White House Tribal Nations Summit, President Biden declared himself the greatest president in America's history, saying "I tell you what, no one's ever done as much as president as this administration's doing. Period. I got more spending approved by Congress than any of my predecessors. I've enabled three million new citizens to enter through our southern border. I ended the war in Afghanistan. I got more covid vaccine jabs into more arms than any other world leader. I led the successful fight against the enemies of democracy in the recently completed elections. I wouldn't be surprised if I am reelected more times than FDR was."

DeSantis Disputes Book-Banning Charge

Najahe Sherman, a reporter with CBS charged that "when it comes to banning books, Florida comes in second only to Texas." Sherman's statement was based on a study issued by the left-wing group PEN America. According to this study, 566 different books have been banned in 21 of the state's school districts.

Bryan Griffin, a spokesman for the governor's office rebutted the charge, asserting that "we support parents having a course of action to remove pornographic material from the classroom or school library. A decision to cull a book from a classroom or school library because parents convince public officials that it is wrong for certain age groups does not mean the book is 'banned.' Any parent who wants his or her child to read any of these books is free to buy it from a bookstore or online retailer."

Sherman insisted that "empowering parents to have a say in what the school teaches is fundamentally wrong. Teachers are the experts in child education. If, in their judgment, it is appropriate for the child to read pornography it is a violation of their freedom of speech to allow parents to interfere with their decisions. Pornography is a large and growing part of our culture. Instructing students in a way that helps them adjust to and accommodate this new norm should override the prudish and puritanical prejudices of the parents."

FDA Sued for Blocking Ivermectin Therapy

The FDA is being sued by Dr. Paul Marik of Virginia, Dr. Mary Bowden of Texas and Dr. Robert Apter of Arizona for illegally prohibited them from prescribing Ivermectin (IVM) to their covid patients. In his opening argument, Isaac Belfer, a lawyer defending FDA, told the court that "the FDA didn't prohibit any doctor from prescribing this drug. It merely advised them not to do so. Any regrets that these doctors may feel for their patients who died because they felt pressured to follow the FDA's advice have no grounds for this suit."

The plaintiffs' lawyer, Jared Kelson asked "if IVM was not prohibited by the FDA for treating COVID-19, why did Dr. Marik's hospital prohibit him from administering the drug to his dying patients? Why was Dr. Bowden reported to the Texas Medical Board for disciplinary action when she prescribed it? Why did many pharmacists fear losing their licenses if they filled IVM prescriptions for treating COVID-19?"

Belfer asserted that "Mr. Kelson himself has identified who his clients should be suing. It is the hospital that illegally prevented Dr. Marik from properly treating his patient. It is the Texas Medical Board that has wrongly persecuted Dr. Bowden. And it is the slew of pharmacists who violated their obligation to fill valid prescriptions for IVM. The FDA and Dr. Fauci may have given bad advice and tried to intimidate doctors and patients to deter them from using IVM, but they didn't hold a gun to anyone's head. In any case, as members of the government they have what is called sovereign immunity. What this means is that the government cannot be sued without its consent. Since neither Dr. Fauci nor FDA Commissioner Robert Califf, consent to be sued this case must be dismissed."

Administration Refuses to Condemn China's Crackdown

The experience of seeing mask-less players and fans at the World Cup soccer matches in Qatar on TV this week sparked millions of Chinese to take to the streets to protest their continued home-confinement under their country's severely restrictive covid lockdown policies. Videos of protesters being clubbed in the streets has sparked outrage around the world.

In the US, Rep. Kevin McCarthy (R-Calif), likely to be the next House Speaker, tweeted: 'The Chinese Communist Party's lockdowns have imprisoned people against their will—many have died. As Chinese citizens bravely protest, Joe Biden and the corporate class shrug. Our Select Committee on China will do what Biden refuses—finally reckon with the pariah that is the Chinese Communist Party."

Republican Rep. Mike Waltz (R-Fla), member of the House China Task Force, complained 'The White House statement Monday reiterated 'everyone has the right to protest', but didn't go far enough in condemning the Chinese Communist Party for their overt atrocities."

Rep. Lauren Boebert tweeted: "The people of China are standing up and demanding freedom, even knowing the major risk of doing so in their country. People are born to be free, not oppressed by government regimes. They need our moral support."

Secretary of State Antony Blinken took a more balanced perspective, saying that "while we are sympathetic to the idea that people ought to be free to speak their minds and demonstrate to express their grievances, we also must recognize that China has the right to govern as it sees fit. How would we like it if foreigners tried to interfere with the lockdowns, mask requirements, and vaccine mandates that our President and many state governors have deemed necessary? Theoretically, people ought to be free, but from a practical perspective they must sometimes be forced to obey the government for the common good. We can't be too critical of China's positions and methods since we may one day have to take these same positions and use these same methods here."

US Gov't Funding Child Traffickers

Tara Lee Rodas, is a volunteer assisting the US Department of Health and Human Services {HHS}with the processing of unaccompanied migrant children in California. This week she told Project Veritas founder, James O'Keefe that "tax dollars are paying to put children in the hands of criminals. The sponsors of these child migrants typically are not citizens. They're not permanent residents. They don't have a legal presence. Many of these people are human traffickers who coerce these minors into prostitution."

Rodas asserted that her efforts to raise this issue through the proper channels failed to elicit any interest from HHS. She was told "you need to understand that we only get sued if we keep kids in care too long. We don't get sued by traffickers. Are you clear? We don't get sued by traffickers. You are exaggerating the problem. Millions are crossing the border. Only a few thousand end up as prostitutes. Even then, who can say that becoming sex workers is worse than the lives they lived south of the border?"

Another whistleblower from the Office of Refugee Resettlement's (ORR) claimed that "the Biden Administration's lax immigration policies were putting children at risk of being exploited by human traffickers and pedophiles. Human traffickers bring minors across the border and turn them over to the ORR. ORR then flies them to other parts of the country. Traffickers appear and claim to be relatives and are allowed to take custody of these minors. The minors are then pimped out so they can pay the traffickers for the cost of smuggling them into the US."

Vaccine Failures Admitted

The US Department of Defense (DOD) has mandated that beginning on Wednesday, November 30th, all Department of Defense personnel, service members, DOD civilians, contractors, military trainees, family members, and visitors to the Davis, Monthan Air Force Base in Tucson will be required to wear a mask again when in any building on the installation. This is despite the near 100% vaccinated status of these personnel. Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin explained that "since the vaccines don't appear to provide the promised protection we must establish a second line of defense against the transmission of this deadly disease."

US Secretary of Health and Human Services Xavier Becerra admitted that "it now looks like those who have been vaccinated against covid are three times as likely to come down with the disease and comprise nearly 60% of covid fatalities. We probably would have been better off not getting on the vaccination merry-go-round, but we can't undo what's already been done. So, our only sensible course of action is to keep giving boosters at two month intervals and hope for the best."

In an interview with the BBC on Dec. 2, 2021, Pfizer CEO Albert Bourla said "there is no doubt in my mind that the benefits, completely, are in favor of vaccinating youngsters ages 5 to 11 against COVID." The British pharmaceutical marketing regulator the Prescription Medicines Code of Practice Authority condemned Bourla's remarks, saying "there is simply no evidence that healthy schoolchildren in the UK are at significant risk from the SARS COV-2 virus and to imply that they are is disgracefully misleading."

Bourla laughed off "this slap on the wrist," adding that "despite the observed low infection rate in this age cohort and concern over a suspected link between mRNA vaccines and myocarditis, we were still able to persuade the CDC that our Covid vaccine should be added to the recommended immunization schedule that many schools require students to take before being allowed to attend. More importantly, our third-quarter earnings beat Wall Street expectations."

San Francisco Authorizes Killer Robots

In a bid to offset the baleful effects of allowing violent offenders to remain free on their own recognisance, Supervisors in San Francisco voted 8-3 to deploy robots authorized to use deadly force against suspected criminals.

Supervisor Connie Chan said she understood that "giving robots a license to kill, so to speak, sounds scary, but the alternative of having dangerous predators prowling our streets is also frightening. We think shifting some of the responsibility for public safety from human police officers to mechanical drones has its advantages."

"For one, we'll save money," Chan pointed out. "Robots don't draw salaries, require pensions, or get sick. While there still may be wrongful executions we believe that properly programmed robots will make fewer errors than humans would in similar circumstances. There will also be less room for accusations of racism when robots terminate suspected perps who resist arrest. There'll be no 'George Floyd scenarios for us to deal with."

San Francisco Police Department spokesperson Allison Maxie admitted that "the weaponry with which the robots will be equipped has not been nailed down. Some in the Department argue that Robots are capable of bearing heavier weapons than our human police force. They suggest that machine guns, guided missiles and poison gas could be utilized with greater effect than the typical pistols, clubs, grenade launchers, and bayonets most of our human officers carry."

Board President Shamann Walton voted against the proposal and predicted that "the potential for having robots run amok is worse than allowing criminals to prey on law-abiding citizens. Criminals are human beings. They eat. They sleep. They defecate in the streets. We are used to this. We'll never get used to being bossed around by robots lest we be killed by them."

Meanwhile, New York City is contemplating enacting an ordinance that would bar landlords from doing criminal background checks on prospective tenants. Mayor Eric Adams explained that "the problem with these background checks is that no landlord would want to rent an apartment to a criminal because he might use the apartment to sell drugs, rape other tenants, or discharge firearms inside the building. I say all these 'mights' don't outweigh every human's right to adequate housing at a fair price. This includes those humans who break the law."

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