SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News
John SemmensMore About: Humor
SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: January 8, 2023 Edition
Boobs Mock GOP House Speaker Voting
The inability of Republicans to quickly elect Rep. Kevin McCarthy as House Speaker had CBS's Steven Colbert agreeing with CNN talking head Chris Wallace's assertion that "such a disaster never would have happened under former Speaker Nancy Pelosi's reign. She ruled with an iron fist. Any Democrat who stood in her way would've faced stern consequences. This is the way that Democrats ensure unity within their Party and the country."
"This McCarthageddon, as I call it, is God's punishment for McCarthy's overt hypocrisy," Colbert said. "Democrats are smart enough to keep their hypocrisy covert. That's why they're continuing to win elections."
Wallace gently chided Colbert "for not giving enough credit to us media folks. Without our constant barrage of propaganda disparaging the GOP and praising Democrats the outcomes could well have been very different."
President Biden was less jocular in his assessment, saying "I just think it's really embarrassing it's taking so long. The world's watching while they make fools of themselves. They have no real power. Sen. McConnell (R-Ken) already gave us the $1.7 trillion spending bill. The House won't have anything to do until next September. Anything else they try to pass can be blocked by the Senate or my veto. Their best bet would be to relax and enjoy whatever crumbs we let them have."
Texas Sues Biden Over Welfare for Illegals
Federal law explicitly bars immigration for the purpose of receiving welfare benefits from the government. Department of Homeland Security Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas asserted that "this law barring immigrants from sharing in America's wealth is inhumane. Enforcing it would be selfish. Ignoring it is generous. By electing President Biden the American people signaled their consent to our policy of letting anyone in who needs food stamps, Medicaid, or government housing aid."
Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton countered Mayorkas' claim, saying "there is no evidence that voters approve of this policy change. Biden's whole lackadaisical presidential campaign was focused on the fact that he is not Trump. That is no mandate to open the taxpayers' wallets to pay for all the benefits the Democrats plan to dispense. Besides, the only legal way to deal with a law you don't like is to have Congress repeal it. We're suing to prevent the Administration from violating the law."
"First of all, President Biden is the Commander-in-Chief," Mayorkas replied. "He doesn't have to follow the law because as our sovereign he is the law. Whatever he says and does is the law of the land. The Republicans are also overlooking the fact that putting these new arrivals on welfare reduces their incentive to compete for jobs with people here legally. Though full-time jobs have declined by 288,000 in the past ten months, this has been more than offset by the 886,000 increase in part-time jobs. Our policies are working."
In related news, the Biden Administration is looking to increase fees imposed on legal immigrants in order to fund more services for illegal immigrants. U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services (USCIS) Director Ur M. Jaddou explained "those who work must pay to support those who don't. It is the simple equity formula recommended by Karl Marx: 'from each according to his ability, to each according to his needs.' The new fees we are seeking exemplify simple social justice."
Is America's Investment in the Ukraine War Worth It?
Both President Biden and Congress have sent tens of billions of our tax dollars in the form of weapons, ammunition, and cash to Ukraine's President Volodymyr Zelensky to help save his regime from Russian invaders. While support for these outlays has come from both Democrats and Republicans, no clear benefit to our country can be detected.
Ostensibly, the claim is that we are trying to save Ukraine's democracy. But is Ukraine really a democracy? In the past week, Zelensky signed legislation that allows the Ukrainian government to censor news sites, control the flow of information to the Ukrainian people, and shut down news sites that are deemed insufficiently loyal to the government. Zelensky says "we were inspired by revelations that the US government has been doing the same thing."
US Secretary of State Tony Blinken cautioned against "drawing the wrong conclusion. Censoring the enemies of democracy--whether domestic or foreign--is sometimes necessary. Making our covert suppression of free speech public like Elon Musk has done has needlessly damaged America's image. Our credibility as a foe of Russian dictatorship has been undermined."
On the other hand, many members of Congress have accrued substantial profits from well-timed purchases of stock in corporations that manufacture the weapons we are providing to Ukraine. Rep. Earl Blumenauer (D-Ore) got a 40% return on his investment in defense industry stocks. Rep. Marjorie Taylor (R-Ga) got a 35% return. Blumenauer was irked that Greene also profited from these stocks. "She voted against aid to Ukraine," he complained. "It isn't fair that she should make almost money as I did since I had to help with the heavy lifting."
In related news, Gov. Kathy Hochul (D-NY) signed a bill raising state legislators' salaries by 30% to $142,000 per year. Income from other employment is also capped at $35,000 per year to discourage gainful employment. "We don't want them to work themselves to death," the Governor said. "Likewise, there are no limits on gifts from admirers, or investments because salaries are never enough to fulfill all the needs of the people's representatives."
Canadian Sent to Reeducation Camp
Clinical psychologist and author Dr. Jordan Peterson has been ordered to undergo reeducation by the Canadian government. The "crime" that earned him this sentence was retweeting Pierre Poilievre — an opposition candidate for prime minister — and writing posts critical of Justin Trudeau. If he refuses to accept and complete this sentence his license to provide clinical psychological therapy will be revoked.
A spokesman for the College of Psychologists of Ontario (CPO) explained that "public criticism of Canada's highest ranked public official is considered evidence of mental instability. Prime Minister Justin Trudeau is owed respect and loyalty by every Canadian. To allow a medical professional licensed by the Province to flout his responsibility to support and encourage others to support their government abuses the privileges granted by the license we gave him. In order to protect his future patients from his noxious and deranged opinions he must satisfactorily complete a Specified Continuing Education or Remedial Program (SCERP). This is a program designed to address concerns about an individual's public conduct and effect a mental cleansing."