IPFS John Semmens

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

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SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: June 16, 2024 Edition

Two Cases of Woke Justice

In Ohio, Judge Brian Hagan ordered that Bionca Ellis be released on her own recognizance. Three days later she shoplifted a knife and stabbed three-year-old Julian Wood to death in the parking lot outside the Giant Eagle grocery store in North Olmstead, Ohio. Hagan argued that "there was nothing wrong with my decision to release Ms. Ellis. I had no way of knowing she might be violent. The fact that a young boy is now dead was a totally unforeseen tragedy."

Kern County criminal records indicate that in January Ellis was accused of attacking hospital staffers at Kern Medical when she was asked to leave the facility after treatment. While in custody for killing Wood, Ellis told police she also killed a white girl in Bakersfield, California a couple of months ago.

Meanwhile in Spokane, Washington, three teenagers were charged with malicious mischief for making e-scooter tire tread marks on the Rainbow Pride mural painted on the street abutting Riverfront Park. The offense is a felony hate crime punishable by a $10,000 fine and up to 5 years imprisonment.

Gov. Jay Inslee (D) denounced "the vicious actions of these anti-LGBTQ terrorists" and vowed "to bring the full weight of the law down on those who dare to openly disrespect our community's values."

Portland Public Health Boofing Kit

In an effort to solve the problem of ingesting drugs when an addict's veins are too messed up to inject them, the city of Portland, Maine is now offering free "boofing" kits. Each kit includes a syringe without a needle to squirt the drug directly up the rectum. Users are advised that "compared to smoking or sniffing your drugs, boofing may hit harder or faster."

Maine Access Points, a taxpayer-funded nonprofit based in Bangor, offers a free instructional video titled "All About Boofing" narrated by Kristin and Jessie. Users are advised to "insert the syringe thumb knuckle deep before you press the plunger so as not to risk any of your drugs leaking out."

"You can also make it an intimate sensual experience by having your sex partner participate in the mechanics or by simultaneously boofing each other." Users are also warned "never reuse a syringe because microscopic fecal matter pose a severe risk of sepsis--a potentially fatal blood infection."

Biden Opposes GI Pay Hike

A Republican draft of the 2025 National Defense Authorization Act (NDAA) would provide $24 billion over the next five years to boost the pay of enlisted troops. The Biden Administration opposes this allocation because "the funds have already been allocated to Ukraine as part of our commitment to pay all the costs of the Zelensky government for the next ten-years."

Rep. Jim Banks (R-Ind) pointed out that "the agreement signed by President Biden and President Zelensky has not even been submitted to, much less ratified by the Senate. Neither has the funding been authorized by Congress. Republicans don't agree that the needs of Ukraine should take priority over the needs of our own troops. The inflation spurred by Bidenomics has eroded the purchasing power of the money we pay them. They won't be able to afford staying in our military if their pay can't keep up with the cost of living."

Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre asserted that "as Commander-in-Chief it is the President's prerogative to set the priorities on all military issues. If, in his judgment, bolstering Ukraine would best serve our country's defense any opposition would constitute insubordination and maybe treason. He could have Rep. Banks and any members of the government--including Congress--court-martialed."

Garland Held in Contempt

Attorney General Merrick Garland rejected the House of Representatives vote to hold him in contempt of Congress for refusing to let them view the video of President Biden's interview by Special Counsel Robert Hur. "The issue of whether President Biden is guilty of mishandling classified documents has already been resolved by the dismissal of all possible charges on the grounds of prosecutorial discretion," Garland insisted. "There is, therefore, no need for Congress to see the video."

Rep. Gary Palmer (R-Ala) said "the issue goes beyond whether the President should be prosecuted for mishandling classified documents. If, as Hur said, Biden couldn't be convicted because a jury would see him as an old man with a poor memory, a question arises as to whether he is competent to carry out the duties of the presidency. The withheld video is the best evidence for answering this question. Garland has no authority to withhold this evidence."

Garland said "Palmer's suggestion that the President might be unfit is a direct attack on our democracy. President Biden was elected by the voters to serve a four year term. Republican efforts aimed at undermining this term amount to an insurrection or coup d'état. They will be the ones facing possible prison or execution after the President is reelected in November."

What Do Trump, Hunter Verdicts Prove?

According to Rep. Jim McGovern (D-Mass) "the guilty verdicts in the Trump election interference case and the Hunter Biden illegal weapon possession case prove that our justice system works. Here we have a former president of the United States and the son of the current president both convicted as common criminals. Only in America could we see such an even-handed dispensation of justice. This demolishes the Republican claim that Democrats have weaponized the judicial system."

Trump asserted that "Rep. McGovern is wrong on both cases. Back in 2017 the Federal Election Commission determined that the Non-Dislosure Agreements with Stormy Daniels did not constitute election interference. Bragg's case against me was a totally unfounded miscarriage of justice that will be overturned by a higher court in the coming months."

"The case against Hunter Biden violated his right under the Second Amendment to keep and bear arms," Trump argued. "So, in both cases justice was not served. Both showed an even-handed dispensation of injustice that proves our justice system do not work in these cases, that it is something of the sort we see in countries with corrupt ruling regimes."

In related news, President Biden called for "new gun control laws that would hold people responsible when their unlocked firearms are used to commit crimes either by illegally shooting a burglar who breaks into the home or by a burglar who stole the unlocked gun and used it to shoot someone else. Gun crime will only be abated by a strict zero-tolerance for any private citizen using a firearm against any person. Only law-enforcement and government troops should be permitted to use firearms against other humans."

FBI Employee Loses Security Clearance

This week the FBI revoked the security clearance of a long time employee. Suspicion was initially generated when the employee took a personal leave day to attend the January 6, 2021 Trump rally in Washington, DC.

"We've had our eye on this individual for the last three years," Director Christopher Wray admitted. "In addition to his attending the rally that instigated the insurrection at the Capitol we discovered that he also attended a rally to support the Second Amendment--that's the one claimed to give civilians the right to own and carry firearms. When we discovered that he expressed reservations about getting the Covid vaccine that was the 'third strike' against him. We knew he was not a person who could be trusted to give unquestioning obedience to the Bureau, the Department of Justice (DOJ), and the government."

Tristan Leavitt, lawyer for the downgraded employee, complained that "instead of focusing on legitimate security issues, the DOJ exclusively and illegitimately used objections to his political opinions as the grounds for stripping him of the security clearance necessary for him to do his job. Not only does this violate his civil rights, it also undermines genuine security."

Wray disagreed with Leavitt's assessment, saying "since former President Trump poses the greatest threat to our democracy in the history of the country anyone who cannot be depended on to oppose him is manifestly unfit to hold a position in the Bureau. Revoking his clearance is merely a preliminary step toward his expulsion and possible prosecution as an enemy of the state."

In related news, a CBS News/YouGov poll taken June 5-7 found that 62% of registered voters favor deporting illegal immigrants. Such a program is also a key policy in Trump's campaign platform. So, it would seem that Trump might more accurately be characterized as a friend rather than an enemy of democracy.

High Cost of Food Good for Americans

Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen contends that "all the caterwauling folks are doing over the high cost of food is unwarranted. Over 40% of the population is obese. Being obese is unhealthy. If high prices cause these people to miss a few meals that is a good thing."

"Trump's libertarian idea that people ought to eat what they want will be the downfall of the nation," the Secretary opined. "I implore voters to look in the mirror and see how fat they've become by indulging themselves with all the fat and sugar laden food that the obese Donald Trump wants to make more affordable. I mean, compare the lean and fit Joe Biden with the corpulent Trump. Ask yourself, which is the better example for emulation? Then vote accordingly."

"Scientists say that switching from beef to insects as the main source of protein in our diets will improve both human health and the global climate," Yellen pointed out. "But we can't count on the shift being made voluntarily. After President Biden is reelected he will make the difficult decision on our behalf just he has for electric vehicles, and mandate the shift to insect protein by making it illegal to raise cattle, pigs, and chickens for food after 2030."

In related news, Yellen predicted that "forecasts that the national debt will become an impossible burden to bear are overlooking the solution the President has already pioneered by canceling students' college debt. If he can relieve the burden of repayment for millions of students by canceling their debt he can relieve the burden of repayment for all the taxpayers by canceling the government's $35 trillion debt. It would give the country a debt-free balance sheet and a fresh new start."

Pelosi Denounces "Revisionist History" of Jan 6

In a video shot by her daughter Alexandra on January 6, 2021, former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) is seen saying "I take responsibility for failing to have a better security plan for the Capitol complex. Why weren't the National Guard there to begin with? I take responsibility for not having them just prepare for war."

Former Capitol Police Chief Steven Sund pointed out that "Speaker Pelosi had the authority to call in the National Guard. President Trump had previously approved using the National Guard. I explicitly requested National Guard support multiple times before January 6, and repeatedly for 71 minutes on January 6, but was denied every time by the Speaker. Then she was on camera wondering why the National Guard wasn't there? Give me a break."

Pelosi objected to "my words being taken out of context. The purpose of the video was to test out a dramatic narrative for a possible biopic of my life of public service. Using this scene to discredit my behavior before and during the insurrection is revisionist history at its worst."

Rep. Barry Loudermilk (R-Ga) observed that "Pelosi's intent to use the video of her speaking for the purposes of making a hagiographic biopic at a later date don't excuse her actual inaction in the days leading up to the January 6 events. Clearly she could have and should have taken better security measures. Yet, she repeatedly rejected urgent requests to do so. Given the real events of that day, her behavior seems more that of a devious villain or an incompetent dolt than the hero she imagines herself to be."