Oct. 31, 2011

My hometown of Scottsdale, Ariz. recently bought an armored SWAT vehicle that looks like something out of Hitler’s Wehrmacht.  Its cost of nearly $400,000 was picked up by our munificent federal government.  It will come in handy if there are ever riots at the Victoria’s Secret store in Scottsdale’s upscale Fashion Square Mall.

Not being of sound mind due to being driven crazy by the irrationality of government and citizens, the purchase compelled me to examine the federal budget for the two line items of Police and Corrections.  Below are figures showing the growth in civilian employees and payroll for the two items from 1999 to 2009.

Federal Police

No. of employees in 1999 = 104,096

No. of employees in 2009 = 178,537

Percent of increase = 71.5%

Percent of increase in U.S. population for same period = 10%

Payroll in 1999 = $514.4 million

Payroll in 2009 = $1.084 billion

Percent of increase = 110%

Overall inflation for same period = 28.8%

Federal Corrections

No. of employees in 1999 = 30,974

No. of employees in 2009 = 36,802

Percent of increase = 18.8%

Payroll in 1999 = $118.1 million

Payroll in 2009 = $202.6 million

Percent of increase = 71.5%

No doubt, some readers of this will claim that the increase in federal police employment is due to 9/11.  Oh, really?  The tragedy of 9/11 didn’t happen because of a lack of law enforcement resources.  It happened because federal law enforcement agencies weren’t talking and cooperating with each other.

In any event, the number of federal police employees comes to a mind-boggling 3,570 per state, not counting federal corrections employees. 

Also not counted are thousands of IRS agents, OSHA agents, Agriculture agents, Dept of Education agents, lingerie inspection agents at Victoria’s Secret, and other agents beyond the grasp of my enfeebled and sick mind.  Nor does it include the 45,000 TSA screeners--or at least I don’t believe it does, because TSA agents don’t have police powers.  (Sorry for being indefinite about this, but quantum mechanics is easier to understand than the federal budget.)

On a related note, the federal government had about three million civilian employees as of 2009, or about 60,000 employees per state.  The total payroll for these employees was approximately $16 billion, or $320 million per state.  This puts a new meaning to the founding principle of federalism.

Clearly, more research is needed on what all of these federal employees are doing.  To that end, I’m headed for Victoria’s Secret.   

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Mencken’s Ghost is the nom de plume of an Arizona writer who can be reached at ghost@menckensghost.com.