By John Semmens: Semi-News " A Satirical Look at Recent News
John Semmens
U.S. Secretary of Energy Steven Chu vigorously assailed what he
labeled “the GOP’s simplistic approach to energy policy. They are
fixated on the notion that increased supplies are the answer. They would
have the American people believe that increased supplies will improve
availability of gasoline. Well, I’ve got news for them. Americans aren’t
as stupid as they think.”
Chu mocked Republican presidential candidate Newt Gingrich’s promise
to roll back gasoline prices to $2.50 per gallon, calling it “an attempt
to turn back to the failed policies of the past. The crux of this
Administration’s efforts on the energy front have been aimed at
dampening demand for fossil fuels. If we can get the price of a gallon
of gas up to the $7 or $8 level that has been attained in Europe I’m
confident that demand will fall to more manageable levels in this
country.”
Fuel price trends seem to indicate that the Obama Administration’s
efforts to boost the cost of burning fossil fuels has been at least
partially successful. The price of a gallon of gasoline averaged $1.80
when Obama took office in January of 2009. Recently, the price per
gallon has reached nearly double that amount. Administration experts say
that a price of $5 per gallon by Labor Day is achievable if present
policies can be maintained.
“It’s not as if we haven’t been trying to provide options,” Chu
added. “For the near term, we’re subsidizing the Volt so people can
drive responsibly. And for the long term, we’re investing in high-speed
rail and public transit. Ultimately, the need to own and operate one’s
own vehicle will become a thing of the past.”
The Secretary expressed confidence that “voters would appreciate the
President’s vision of a future where unnecessary travel is brought to a
minimum and the vast majority of Americans will rely on safe and
environmentally friendly public carriers for the trips they absolutely
have to make.”
Chu’s confidence was echoed by Democratic National Committee
Chairwoman, Representative Debbie Wasserman Schultz (Fla). “All the
Republicans have to offer is more drilling,” she pointed out. “The
abundance of supplies and low prices that they preach are out-of-step
with our long-term goal of weaning this nation off of fossil fuels and
the unnecessary travel they enable.”
Over a Million US Families Living on Less than $2 a Day
A US Census Bureau study indicated that an estimated 1.46 million
families in the United States are now living on less than $2 per day.
This is more than twice as many as the estimated 636,000 families that
were living at a like standard in 1996.
Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius hailed the
report as “a tribute to the affirmative steps taken by this
Administration to lower the cost of living. Critics have been quick to
harp on the negatives of high unemployment, declining wages, and falling
home values as if that were the total picture. We’re hoping that this
study opens peoples’ eyes to the other side of the equation.”
“Also, let’s not discount the environmental benefits of living on
less,” Sebelius urged. “The more people we can get to live like this the
less our economy will have to produce. That means fewer smoke-belching
factories and less road traffic. A lower need for materials means we can
stop raping nature and return more land to a wilderness status. And
let’s not forget the gains in leisure time attained by every person that
no longer has to work to produce the excessive amount of unnecessary
stuff that a so-called affluent society demands.”
That minorities make up a disproportionately large fraction of those
living so parsimoniously was held to be encouraging by the Secretary.
“These are the fastest growing segments of the population,” she pointed
out. “The trend foretells of a future where the majority will live as
frugally as only a minority does now.”
PA Judge Rules Muslims Have Right to Assault those Who Offend Islam
A Pennsylvania man walking in a parade dressed as a zombie Muhammad
next to a man dressed as a zombie Pope was physically assaulted by a
recent Muslim immigrant for insulting Islam. Instead of facing jail time
or being assessed for damages, the attacker was absolved by Judge Mark
Martin.
Martin, himself a Muslim, brushed aside the victim’s First Amendment
rights asserting that “freedom of speech does not entitle anyone to
commit blasphemy against another’s religious beliefs. I am quite
familiar with the Koran. Nowhere does it state that Muhammad arose and
walked among the dead. For him to be portrayed that way, especially in
jest, is a grave insult to members of the Islamic faith.”
The victim was informed that “he got off easy. According to sharia law
the assailant was within his rights to kill the blasphemer.
Consequently, his claim to recompense to cover his medical bills is
unwarranted.”
Presidential Apology Fails
President Obama’s apology for the burning of Korans by US troops
stationed in Afghanistan failed to stem riots that have already claimed
numerous lives, including two US soldiers.
“The burning was inadvertent,” Obama insisted. “Troops ignorant of
the document’s demands that Muslims have a religious obligation to kill
Jews, apostates, and unbelievers thought they were burning terrorist
propaganda. We have been trying to reeducate our servicemen, but it is
difficult to break through to people raised to believe that ‘turning the
other cheek’ represents a religious ideal. They cannot conceive that a
holy book might command the faithful to slay those who offend their
beliefs.”
A spokesman for the Taliban called the apology “totally inadequate.
The Koran is the word of God. No one may desecrate it. The act of these
unbelievers is punishable by death. We call upon all Muslims everywhere
to attack, kill, or capture any American who is within their grasp in
retaliation for this outrage.”
“Taxes Are what You Pay for the Privilege of Being an American” Says Geithner
US Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner advised taxpayers to “quit
complaining, taxes are what you pay for the privilege of being an
American.”
“You know, there are places in the world where the government can
take everything you have,” Geithner observed. “The fact that you get to
keep anything here ought to inspire a greater appreciation for your own
government’s forbearance.”
The Secretary warned those he called the “one-percenters,” that
“government is the only thing preventing the other 99% from murdering
you and looting your property. The protection we offer ought to be worth
whatever it costs. Quibbling over the price of this protection may be
an unwise course.”
DC Resident Fined for Not Recycling Newspapers
D.C. resident Patricia White has received fines, totaling $2000 for
not recycling old newspapers. The Department of Public Works levied the
fines after rooting through her trash and finding old newspapers in it.
White tried explaining that she didn’t recycle the papers because she
had used them in her cat’s litter box. “It’s not that I don’t support
the idea of recycling,” White said. “I recycle plenty of other stuff.
But I thought who wants to sort through cat sh*t. For health reasons
alone I figured it would be better to just trash the newspapers I used
in the litter box.”
Judge Audrey Jenkins denied White’s appeal of the fines. “Ms. White’s
notions as to what might be healthy have no bearing,” Jenkins insisted.
“The law says newspapers go in the recycle bin. It is her duty to get
them there. Her selfish desire to save money by creating her own kitty
litter is denying legitimate businesses the right to sell her
commercially appropriate kitty litter. And the fines help fund the
city’s trash inspection system.”
Lest Ms. White opt to start dumping her cat’s litter box full of
shredded newspapers into the recycle bin in an effort to comply, the
Judge cautioned her that “it is Ms. White’s obligation to separate out
any non-recyclable components. She must not allow any cat feces to make
it into the recycle bin. Inspectors will be watching.”
White House Refuses to Comply with Another Subpoena
Citing what it called a key precedent recently established by a
Georgia case, the Obama Administration declined to submit documents subpoenaed by
the House Energy and Commerce Committee investigating the loss of over
$500 million of taxpayers’ money on the Administration’s Solyndra loan
guarantee.
“If you will recall,” Press Secretary Jay Carney told Committee
Chairman Representative Fred Upton (R-Mich), “the Administration’s
refusal to provide documents or even to appear in answer to a subpoena was upheld by Judge Milihi’s decision in the President’s favor.”
“It’s a separation of powers issue,” Carney explained. “The president
was independently elected by the American people. He is answerable only
to the American people. No judge, no congressman, no one, has the
standing to challenge anything he does unless he deigns to acquiesce in
the inquiry. If Mr. Upton isn’t satisfied he can try to convince his
peers to use the only Constitutional option available to Congress and
impeach the President. Then the President might respond.”
A Satirical Look at Recent News