SEMI-NEWS:
A Satire of Recent News
March
18, 2012
by
John Semmens
Drawing
Distinctions Between Limbaugh & Maher
While both
Rush Limbaugh and HBO's Bill Maher have used offensive language
against women whose political views they oppose, Representative
Shelley Berkely (D-Nev) attempted to explain why she feels one should
be banned and the other not.
“First
of all, there is the issue of impact,” Berkely said. “Limbaugh's
audience numbers in the millions. Maher, on the other hand, has maybe
a few thousand fans. Since so few people have actually heard what
Maher has said, his remarks are more along the lines of a private
conversation. I mean, why ban someone that hardly anyone is listening
to?”
“Second,
is the issue of truth,” Berkely observed. “Limbaugh's assertion
that Sandra Fluke was a prostitute was unsubstantiated by any facts.
In fact, he was forced to apologize. Inasmuch as Sarah Palin is a
woman, Maher calling her a 'c*nt' is technically correct. There is a
big difference between using the public airways to make false
statements and merely speaking the truth, albeit in crude terms.”
For his
part, Maher defended his denigration of Palin pointing out that “not
one person ever registered disapproval of what I said about her. In
fact, I haven't heard a peep even from Sarah Palin. I think that this
shows that deep down, she knows I've got her pegged.”
Maher
further justified his line about Palin on the grounds that “it gets
the biggest laughs of anything in my act. That right there is proof
I've hit comedy 'gold.' As long as people pay me for what I say I'm
going to continue to mine that mother lode of comedic genius.”
That Maher
has donated $1 million to President Obama's reelection campaign was
deemed an ameliorating factor in Representative Berkely's eyes. “At
least we know his heart's in the right place, even if his mouth is a
little dirty,” she said. “If Limbaugh were to make a similar
donation I might be willing to cut him some slack. But he's working
hard to bring down our President. We need to stop him any way we
can.”
In related
news, former White House chief of staff Rahm Emanuel says Mitt Romney
is in danger of losing Democrats' support in his bid for the GOP
presidential nomination. “Mr. Romney's refusal to take a strong
stand against Rush Limbaugh's outrageous slurs of Sandra Fluke raises
questions about his fitness,” Emanuel complained. “He had an
opportunity to differentiate himself from the common sludge of the
Republican Party, but he blew it. His long coveted chance to
respectfully lose to President Obama in this Fall's election may be
the price he'll have to pay if Democrats stop voting for him in the
GOP's open primary states.”
Attorney
General Explains His Opposition to Voter ID Laws
Obama's
Attorney General Eric Holder continued his battle to prevent states
from requiring voters to show photo identification before they are
permitted to cast ballots.
That the
US Supreme Court has already held that voter ID laws are
Constitutional makes no difference says the AG. “I don't need some
court to tell me what's right and what's wrong,” Holder exclaimed.
“It's something everyone who's grown up Black just knows by
instinct.”
Holder
made short shrift of arguments based on the ubiquity of requests to
show photo IDs in order to buy beer, enter a public building, rent a
movie, board a plane, open a bank account, or check into a motel.
“None of those activities are fundamental to the functioning of our
democracy,” Holder argued. “The possibility that someone might be
denied the privilege of partaking in them is not a threat to our way
of life.”
“Voting,
on the other hand, is an essential right,” Holder continued. “It
is not contingent upon a requirement that voters must identify
themselves. Voters may have valid reasons for not wanting to be
identified. Maybe there are warrants out. Maybe he's behind in child
support payments. Maybe he lacks documentation of his citizenship.
None of these deficiencies cancel a person's human right to vote for
who will rule over him. So, I cannot standby and allow any state or
any court to infringe upon anyone's right to vote.”
Healthcare
Mandate Decision Final Says White House
Press
Secretary Jay Carney advised those critical of the Administration's
decision to make insurers cover birth control devices and drugs to
“give it a rest.”
“Look,
the President is sorry that some consider this action to be
insensitive to their personal or religious beliefs,” Carney said.
“But they certainly cannot expect him to subjugate his policy aims
to these beliefs.”
Carney
suggested that critics “may want to reexamine the issue. Does the
Bible explicitly prohibit birth control, or for that matter,
abortion? I don't recall ever having read that Jesus gave any
commandments on these matters. I think His wish was for us to love
our neighbors. He didn't say not to use measures to prevent or
terminate unwanted pregnancies that might result from this neighborly
love.”
Barring a
reexamination of faith, Carney conceded that “those who are truly
opposed to the President's mandate have the option of trying to
overturn it by electing someone else in November. Surely this is a
less frightening task than the martyrdom endured by the earliest
Christians. So, please, no more whining.”
Secret
Service Granted Broad Censorship Authority
The
Federal Restricted Buildings and Grounds Improvement Act of 2011
signed into law last week by President Obama allows the Secret
Service to determine what kind of speech may be permitted in
proximity to the President and other government officials qualified
for Secret Service protection.
“Most
people are probably familiar with our role as protectors of the
President against would-be assassins,” said Secret Service
spokesman Elroy Hood. “But assassins aren't the only ones who pose
a threat. Vocal opponents damage the image the government is trying
to project and can undermine its authority every bit as much as an
attempt on the President's life.”
Hood
hastened to point out that “not all speech is prohibited.
Demonstrations in support of the government help advance the
President's agenda. We don't want to discourage that.”
To be on
the safe side, those wishing to avoid arrest are advised to check in
with the Secret Service ahead of time to have signs and banners
reviewed and approved. They are also counseled to police their
members to prevent any untoward outbursts in the presence of the
President or other officers of the government.
Vice-President
Lauds Obama's “Spine of Steal”
In written
remarks distributed before a campaign speech to the United Auto
Workers Union, Vice-President Joe Biden praised President Obama's
courage for bailing out General Motors and Chrysler.
“Where
others might have been deterred by property rights or contracts,
President Obama charged in, unafraid,” Biden remembered. “He put
your jobs, your interests ahead of all else.”
Biden
urged union members to keep this in mind come election day. “Some
may put their trust in the law,” Biden said. “But I say having a
guy you can trust at the wheel trumps anything that might be written
down in a statute book or constitution. There is no substitute for
having the right man in the right place at the right time. President
Obama is that man. He's got a spine of steal. Know that nothing can
stop him from imposing his will when he feels justice demands it.”
Obama
Takes Credit for Thwarting Runaway Oil Drilling
President
Obama's efforts to blunt the political disadvantage of rising
gasoline prices took both a zig and a zag this past week.
In an
attempt to provide a contrast with the growing popularity of the
GOP's “drill here, drill now” pitch, Obama promised he would
“never allow the 'gluttons of greed' to drill in your back yard or
your front yard, no matter how hard they push for it.”
To prevent
gasoline prices from surging over the summer, as many have predicted,
the President has ordered the release of oil from the nation's
strategic reserve. Conceived as insurance against the loss of access
to oil due to actions by hostile governments, the reserves would be
deployed to fend off possible electoral defeat.
“Threats
aren't confined to external parties,” Obama pointed out. “There
are those within our borders claiming they are loyal Americans, yet
determined to bring down the present government. In their hands,
rising fuel prices are as potent a weapon as anything that could be
mustered by the likes of Iran or al-Qaeda.”
Releases
from the strategic reserve would only be required for the next eight
months or so.
New
Flag Being Test Marketed
Concerned
that the current version of the American flag may be out-dated,
Democratic Party officials have been trying out a new design in
selected locations. If you would like to order one to display at your
home or place of business call 678-653-5247.
Opinion • More about 
