Obama
Gains Key Reelection Endorsements
The
Communist Party of the United States announced it is supporting
Barack Obama's reelection bid. “It used to be that we had to run
our own candidates for public office,” recounted Sam Webb, chairman
of the Communist Party USA. “In recent years, though, we've found a
huge overlap with many of the candidates running on the Democratic
ticket. Of these, President Obama is the best of the lot.”
Webb
hastened to point out that “this doesn't mean we are totally
satisfied with everything he has done in his first term. The airwaves
haven't yet been cleared of fascist propaganda. Capitalists are still
allowed to profiteer from meeting human needs. And property has not
been fully collectivized. But we see signs of progress in all these
areas and are confident that a second term will bring significant
breakthroughs on all fronts.”
NARAL
also proclaimed its support for a second Obama term. NARAL President
Nancy Keenan said “we are proud to extend our endorsement to a man
who has done more to ensure that no woman need endure an unwanted
pregnancy than any of his predecessors. Under his rule no insurer
will be permitted to refuse to provide whatever measure of birth
control is necessary to prevent or terminate a pregnancy. He has
brought us closer to the day when a more equitable distribution of
child-bearing responsibilities is attained.”
County
Employee Fired for Possession of Firearm
Wayne
County groundskeeper John Chevilott was recently fired by County
Supervisors from a job he'd held for 23 years. His offense was
possession of a firearm on County property. Chevilott found a small
pistol in the grass he was mowing. He turned it over to police after
he completed his work shift.
“There
is no question that the gun was in his possession, he admits it was,”
asserted County Supervisor Leonard Prickman. “Our policy is clear.
No one may carry a firearm on County property. There's a 'zero
tolerance' for violators. We cannot allow anyone to skirt the rules
for any reason. To make an exception in this instance would be the
first step on the road to total anarchy.”
As
for what Chevilott should've done upon his chance discovery of the
weapon, Prickman declined to offer an opinion. “Our policy does not
cover such a contingency,” Prickman pointed out. “And we are not
obligated to invent one on-the-spot just to please any amateur
logicians who want to stick their noses into our affairs.”
Police
Report Blames Zimmerman
A
new report from the Sanford, Florida Police Department holds George
Zimmerman totally responsible for the incident that resulted in the
shooting death of Trayvon Martin last February. Evidence that Martin
had severely beaten Zimmerman before he was shot was discounted by
the report.
“The
fact is, if Zimmerman had stayed home that day the confrontation
would never have occurred,” the report said. “The black eyes,
broken nose, and lacerated scalp he suffered would not have happened
if he hadn't ventured out into the streets and exposed himself to
risk.”
That
Zimmerman had taken on this risk willingly by volunteering for the
neighborhood watch patrol was seen as further evidence for his
culpability. “Zimmerman was aware that there had been crimes
committed in the area,” the report continued. “Yet, he chose to
leave the relative safety of his home in a misguided vigilante
effort. He compounded his error, turning what probably would have
been a routine episode of assault-and-battery into a homicide by
bringing a gun along with him.”
Special
Prosecutor Angela Corey promised that she will “prosecute Mr.
Zimmerman to the fullest extent that I can. We need to send the
message that patrolling the streets is a job best left to the police.
The decision on when to use deadly force is something that must be
confined to trained professionals. Citizens concerned about crime
should move to safer neighborhoods and only leave their homes when
absolutely necessary.”
Kenyan
Birth Claim “Just a Marketing Gimmick”
The
revelation that a promotional brochure produced in 1991 by Barack
Obama's literary agency touting his “Kenyan birth” was called
“just a marketing gimmick” by Press Secretary Jay Carney.
“The
President was trying to persuade a publisher to give him a book
deal,” Carney explained. “Naturally, he wanted to make the sale,
so the fact that he embellished his resume shouldn't come as a big
surprise to anyone. Come on, making yourself look bigger and better
than you really are is standard procedure if you hope to survive in
our competitive culture. I mean, is there anyone who hasn't lied
under similar circumstances?”
To
those that might harbor suspicions that the reported Kenyan birth
could be true, Carney suggested that “even if it were, I think the
point is moot. The President has shown that he is fully capable of
handling the job. Any deficiencies he may have had on paper have been
more than offset by his on-the-job performance for the last three
years. Besides, I think the statute of limitations on the whole
'natural born citizen' issue has expired.”
Geithner
Admits “Finance Has Never Been My Strong Point”
In
an interview for PBS News
Hour,
US Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner confessed to being “severely
confused” by matters of finance.
“A
few years ago I was being mocked for messing up my taxes,” Geithner
complained. “But, really now, who can figure out the tax code? It's
such a mixed up pile of contradictory rules and instructions that I'd
be surprised if anybody got it right.”
“This
deficit stuff, what's that all about?” Geithner wondered. “How
can the government be short of money? I've been to the mint and it
seems we can print as much as we need. If there's a capacity problem
with the presses couldn't we just switch over from ones to hundreds?”
“And
don't get me started on this whole debt ceiling thing,” the
Secretary added. “I don't get why we are borrowing money when we
can print as much as we want. It seems like the Republicans are
banging this drum to try to confuse voters and turn them against the
President.”
As
baffled as he seems on fiscal matters, Geithner claimed to have a
firm grasp on the economic impacts of the Administration's program.
“More individuals have been relieved of the necessity to work under
President Obama than under any of his predecessors,” he boasted.
“The unemployment rate has been steadily coming down as more and
more people realize they don't have to have a job to put food on the
table"that's what food stamps are for. The President's generosity
on this alone is unparalleled in our nation's history.”
Chaplain
Bill Said to Violate Separation of Powers Clause
A
House of Representative effort to enact legislation (HR 4310) that
would protect military chaplains from being forced to perform
same-sex marriages was excoriated by the White House as an
unwarranted infringement on the President's prerogatives as
Commander-in-Chief.
Jeffrey
Zients, Acting Director of the White House Office of Management and
Budget, said the bill violates the separation of powers clause of the
Constitution. “A chaplain is a member of the armed forces,”
Zients observed. “The armed forces are directly under the
President's chain of command. If the President wants to order a
chaplain to undertake certain designated tasks, Congress has no
authority to interfere.”
The
possibility that some of these designated tasks might conflict with
the religious tenets of the chaplains was deemed irrelevant. “Look,
service in the military is voluntary,” Zients pointed out. “If a
chaplain isn't willing to follow orders he should resign. As long as
he wears the uniform, though, he, like any other soldier, is
obligated to do as he is told. The President cannot allow misguided
religious zealotry to interfere with his policies.”
Obama
Rewrites History
Visitors
to the White House website were treated to major revisions in the
biographies of the Presidents. Some highlights of these revisions
included:
George
Washington, in an effort to create a nation that could later be ruled
by Barack Obama persevered through many hardships and overcame long
odds to defeat the powerful British Army and establish the United
States of America in 1781.
Abraham
Lincoln, anticipating the need for Barack Obama to rescue the nation
from the despair of eight years of George W. Bush, issued the
emancipation proclamation in 1862 declaring Blacks residing in areas
outside of the control of Union armies were henceforth free. This
made Obama, whose ancestors resided in Kenya at that time, eligible
to become President of the United States 146 years later.
Dwight
Eisenhower, realizing that there would be no opportunity for Barack
Obama to become president 65 years later if the Nazis won World War
II led a successful attack against the Germans in Normandy in 1944.
Ronald
Reagan, foreseeing the need for massive amounts of money that could
be redistributed by Barack Obama to promote social justice, used tax
cuts to spark a wave of economic growth that created thousands of new
millionaires.
Opinion • More about 
