President
Says World Is Entering New “Golden Age”
President
Barack Obama told Air Force Academy graduates that “the world is
entering a new 'golden age' thanks to me. I have bridged the
differences that set America apart from what were our adversaries in
an earlier era.”
The
President cited his “reset button” policy for bringing the US and
Russia closer together. “I have transformed Ronald Reagan's 'evil
empire' into a true partner for peace,” Obama boasted. “President
Putin and I are on the same page when it comes to issues of war and
peace. I can't tell you all the details right now, but we are jointly
working to fundamentally change the way our two nations interact.”
“We have
also reached a new understanding with Islam,” he continued. “Their
leaders have accepted the sacrifice of the renegade Osama bin-Laden
as a necessary step if we are to mute anti-Islamic anxiety and
achieve a more harmonious environment for cultural interchange,
learning, and enlightenment. The day when every Muslim can freely
practice his religion wherever he might find himself is closer than
it has ever been.”
The
President also tried to reassure Academy grads that “though we are
cutting back on military expenditures, salaries and pensions won't be
on the chopping block. It is our weapons, not our young men and women
in uniform that create fear throughout the world. As we reduce our
dominance in weapons of mass destruction we will reduce the perceived
threat we pose to the rest of the world. History will look back on
this moment as the fountainhead of a new humanity"homo
pacificus"that
will usher in peace for all time.”
In
related news, New York City's PS368 has made learning Arabic
mandatory. “Considering the way things are going, we deem it
prudent to teach our students these critical language skills,” said
Principal Nicky Kram Rosen. “Those who can't communicate in the
dominant language will be at a significant disadvantage. Look at how
immigrants who don't speak English end up at the bottom of the
economic heap.”
Obama
Campaign Recovers Loot from Capitalist Pirates
President
Obama's reelection campaign press secretary, Ben LaBolt rebuffed
criticism that the campaign's acceptance of donations from Bain
Capital employees is hypocritical. Bain has been castigated by Obama
for preying upon vulnerable businesses and looting them for selfish
gain. Bain is the firm that GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney
worked for before he became governor of Massachusetts.
“Those
who don't understand the President's thinking imagine that he is
inconsistently benefiting from the ill-gotten gains of those engaged
in reprehensible conduct,” LaBolt said. “In reality, he is
recovering this money, purifying it, and putting it to use is his
crusade to transform America from a culture of greed into one of
collective welfare and universal brotherhood/sisterhood for all
humankind.”
LaBolt
characterized the campaign's receipt of donations from “repentant
capitalists” as akin to the Catholic Church's receipt of donations
from mafia gangsters. “The ways in which the donors may have
obtained the money might be depraved, but the uses to which the
donations are put are considered laudable,” LaBolt insisted. “The
Church claims it is saving souls. We are in a battle to save this
country from the forces of darkness.”
In related
news, Obama's reelection campaign received the endorsement of Larry
Flynt, the owner of the pornographic magazine Hustler and
associated website. “From my perspective, President Obama
has over-performed,” Flynt said. “Many of those he has liberated
from the drudgery of employment now have more time to enjoy our
products. Our revenues have seen a boost over the past three years.
How could I not support the man who has been so good to us.”
Racism
Said to Be Reason for Anti-Obama Vote in Dem Primaries
The
Democratic presidential primaries in West Virginia, Arkansas, and
Kentucky were all won by President Obama. Still, approximately 40% of
the votes went for, respectively, an incarcerated felon, a virtual
unknown, and “uncommitted.” Similar less than dominant outcomes
in a few of the 1968 primaries inspired incumbent President Lyndon
Johnson to withdraw from the race. No Obama withdrawal is
anticipated.
Campaign
adviser David Axelrod attributed the showing to “residual racism.
To those who are stunned by this"after all these were Democratic
primaries"I suggest they take a look at history. The three states
we are talking about are all in the South. Southern Democrats have
historically been racists. The defenders of slavery were all southern
Democrats. The South is where the Ku Klux Klan has traditionally been
most powerful. So, the fact that some rump of the Democratic Party in
these states would come out and vote to try to embarrass a Black
President should surprise no one.”
Axelrod
said he didn't think that these outcomes presage problems for the
President's reelection. “The anti-racist majority backing the
President didn't have much incentive to vote in these primaries,”
he pointed out. “The President is already a lock for the
nomination. They will come out to vote against racism in November.”
In
related news, the New Black Panthers' National Field Marshal, King
Samir Shabazz, warned that “our tolerance for this kind of
disrespectful voting is wearing thin. We are going to take over this
country block-by-block. Crackers like these will soon find themselves
in the cemetery where their future votes can be cast more responsibly
and respectfully by those who really care about the Black man's
rights.”
President's
“My Sons” Reference Explained
President
Obama's campaign speech defending his healthcare policy on the
grounds that “my daughters should have the same economic
opportunities as my sons” has puzzled observers. Only two daughters
(Malia and Sasha) have been explicitly acknowledged by the President.
Press
Secretary Jay Carney explained that while “it is obvious that the
President and First Lady have only the two daughters currently living
with them in the White House, critics shouldn't be jumping to the
conclusion that he misspoke. Statistics show that the average urban
Black male fathers 3.2 children out-of-wedlock. Earlier in his life,
the President was a member of this demographic. Given the roughly 50%
chance that a child could be male, that would work out to 1.6 male
offspring per urban Black male. So, statistically speaking, the
President's desire that his daughters enjoy the same rights as his
sons is probably accurate.”
President
Blames Deficit on “Greedy Taxpayers”
Despite
running up federal deficits at a faster pace than any previous
president, Obama says he is not at fault. “Deficits aren't the
result of spending alone,” the President pointed out. “Deficits
occur when there is a gap between spending and revenue. If you look
at the trends for both you will see that it is the revenue line that
has flattened while the spending line has remained pretty much on
track with prior periods.”
Of course
revenues aren't keeping up because taxpayer earnings aren't keeping
up. Business profits are down. Employees have been thrown out of
work. The base upon which the tax revenue stream is founded has
shrunk. Nevertheless, Obama complained that “These people are
selfishly focused on their own problems. They pressure their
congressmen to oppose the tax increases that are necessary to cover
government expenses. When deficits inevitably soar they take no
responsibility for how their own greed has caused the problem.”
Vice-President
Joe Biden echoed Obama's thinking in a speech accusing the Tea Party
of “thwarting President Obama's plan to save the economy. We're
trying to get everyone to pitch-in to help us get out of the
recession. But these Tea Party guys got voters worked up using the
false notion that whatever they own is theirs by right. Well, in this
country, it's the government that determines who owns what. It is our
view that the government must control all our resources in order to
ensure that they are used effectively and efficiently. Reelecting the
President is the only way we can guarantee that this happens.”
The
President also got support from Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid
(D-Nev), who said that “Americans must get used to paying higher
taxes if they want the government to continue to serve them.” Reid
denounced the idea that the government might already be taxing us too
much as “extremism of the worst sort. It's not the terrorists who
pose the biggest threat. It's those who would starve government of
the resources it needs.”
School
Withholds Medication, Cites Rules
Deltona
(Florida) High School student Michael Rudi suffered a potentially
life-threatening asthma attack while attending classes. Though an
inhaler prescribed by Rudi's doctor was available, the school nurse
withheld it from him because the school could not locate a signed
permission form from his parents.
The
school's Director of Student Health Services, Cheryl Selesky,
defended the nurse's action saying that “it's a matter of
liability. If we allow him to medicate himself without having the
proper papers filled out and he dies, the parents could sue us. If we
follow our rules the blame for any ill consequences falls on the
parents for their failure to complete the required paperwork in a
timely manner. It's basically a 'no-brainer' decision for us.”
Selesky
admitted that the school's back up policy of calling 911 was not
implemented. Instead, the nurse locked Rudi in her office “to
prevent other students from possibly being traumatized by seeing one
of their classmates suffocate to death. I know the student's mother
and others may be second-guessing what we did, but we have a
responsibility to the collective well-being of all our students. No
individual's situation, no matter how dire, can be allowed to
override this responsibility.”
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