Dems
Reject Cardinal's Offer
The Obama
campaign rejected an offer from Cardinal Timothy Dolan to deliver a
prayer at the Democratic National Convention in September. As head of
the Archdiocese of New York and president of the Conference of
Catholic Bishops, Dolan is considered the top Catholic official in
the US.
The offer
was refused because “this nation is in a desperate struggle between
good and evil,” said Obama campaign spokesman Adam Fetcher. “It
is imperative that those who care about the outcome take a credible
stand. We can no longer tolerate the type of amoral straddle Dolan is
trying to pull off.”
The
“straddle” appears to be Dolan's agreement to deliver a prayer at
the Republican National Convention next week. Dolan’s spokesman,
Joseph Zwilling, explained that the Cardinal's offer was “an
assurance that his role at the Republican convention is not intended
to be partisan.”
Fetcher
wasn't buying Zwilling's explanation. “An even-handed willingness
to pray for this country's enemies sends voters the wrong message,”
Fetcher argued. “We cannot allow Dolan's fundamentally seditious
actions to undermine the essential truth of the Democratic Party's
crusade to save America.”
As an
example of the Cardinal's “seditious actions,” Fetcher cited his
prayer that Hurricane Isaac not disrupt the Republican convention.
“We need to do everything we can to ensure that evil doesn't win,”
Fetcher insisted. “Bad weather in Tampa would be helpful in that
regard. As we can see, though, Dolan's not on the same page.”
Chicago
Planning to Whip Employees into Shape
Employees
of the City of Chicago are being given the opportunity to voluntarily
sign up for a new “wellness” program. Those who don't sign up
will be assessed a $600/year penalty"a protocol remarkably similar
to the “tax” levied by the IRS on those who fail to purchase
insurance under Obamacare.
Mayor Rahm
Emanuel praised the program saying “it will change lives. Left on
their own, too many people degenerate into massive blobs of flab. It
is our job to see that this doesn't happen.”
The
program will require employees to go through a physical and mental
health assessment, comply with mandatory annual check-ups and
immunizations, and participate in a prescribed exercise regimen.
Emanuel
characterized the program as “a first step. Ideally, everyone, not
just City employees, should participate. This will give us an
opportunity to pilot test a new, healthier lifestyle for all.”
The
program's resemblance to military boot camp is not coincidental.
“Those opposed to good health are deriding this program as some
sort of 'boot camp,'” Emanuel said. “I say so what? In the Army,
out-of-shape weaklings are turned into physically fit fighting
machines. Recruits may chafe under the training, but is there any
question they're better off for it?”
Inasmuch
as the death toll from shootings in Chicago exceeds that for US
troops in Afghanistan maybe City residents should be trained for
combat.
McCaskill
Urges Akin to Stay in Race
Embattled
GOP senatorial candidate Todd Akin received some words of
encouragement from his opponent, sitting Senator Claire McCaskill
(D-Mo).
“I know
a lot of people have been urging him to bow out,” McCaskill
observed. “But really, why should he? Look, he's obviously confused
about biology. As the President said, he must have missed science
class. But there are worse things to be confused about.”
“A worse
thing to be confused about is ethics,” McCaskill went on.
“President Obama, for example, opposes giving aid to aborted babies
that survive the procedure. I mean, once the child is outside the
mother how does it harm her health to save its life? I think the
President is on pretty weak ethical ground here. Yet, I don't hear
anyone calling for him to bow out of the presidential race.”
McCaskill
suggested that “voters might want to consider splitting their
ballots. They could do the ethical thing by voting against the
President's reelection and the smart thing by denying the
intellectually challenged Akin's bid to unseat me.”
DOJ
Seeks to Hire More People with Mental Problems
The
Department of Justice, responding to an Executive Order issued by
President Obama, issued a memo to all sections encouraging them to
hire more persons with “targeted disabilities.” Among the
disabilities targeted are people with “severe intellectual
disability,” “psychiatric disability” and other “current
severe physical, intellectual or mental conditions.”
Attorney
General Eric Holder defended the Order saying that “the President
doesn't just talk the talk, he also walks the walk. From his
selection of Joe Biden to be his running mate President Obama has
taken a strong stand on behalf of the rights of the mentally
disabled. It is his belief that for a democracy to be truly
representative it has to draw from every segment of the population.
Does this mean that the deranged and the stupid must be given their
fair share of the responsibilities of governing the nation? Yes, it
does.”
For his
part, Biden embraced his role as “poster boy” for the mentally
impaired, boasting that “the President be puttin' us all back in
chairs.”
In related
news, Vice-President Biden blamed Republicans for mortgage
foreclosures. According to Biden, Republicans in Congress are
blocking the Administration's plan to forgive all mortgage debt.
“Here we have a cost-free solution to provide free homes to
everyone, but can't get cooperation from the GOP,” Biden
complained. “Our message to the middle class is simple, if you're
tired of having to pay your mortgage vote Democrat.” Biden said he
was confident that “a reelected President Obama would have the
mandate to bypass Congress and enact mortgage forgiveness by
Executive Order.”
Jesse
Jackson Lambastes Republican Class Warfare
The
Reverend Jesse Jackson laid into the GOP for “fomenting class
warfare,” insisting that the “Romney/Ryan idea that people should
be allowed to keep what they earn is divisive.”
“The way
to unite all classes is to put everything into a common pot and dole
out shares based on need,” Jackson maintained. “This is the basic
Democratic plan. This election, voters are facing the biggest choice
of their lifetimes. Do we go backward toward a selfish, every man for
himself system as the Republicans want? Or do we move forward toward
a new tomorrow of equality and sharing as President Obama wants?”
Jackson
argued that “Romney wants to run this country like a business.
Feasibility, affordability, and return on investment are his litmus
tests. Obama wants to run this country like a family. Love is his
litmus test.”
“The
question voters should be asking themselves is do they want a 'boss'
who demands that they go to work, evaluates their performance, and
only gives rewards to those who do their jobs?” Jackson asked. “Or
do they want a 'dad' who lets them have another piece of pie and stay
up late to watch their favorite TV show because he loves them? We’ll
know in November.”
Book
Barometer Misleading Says Obama Campaign
Statistics
on book sales at Amazon show that conservative titles are out-selling
liberal titles by a 56% to 44% margin. Fearing that this may create
the impression that conservative ideas are winning, Obama campaign
adviser David Axelrod cautioned that “we not leap to unwarranted
conclusions based on these numbers.”
“Reading
is an activity favored by intellectually curious and verbally
oriented people,” Axelrod argued. “This is neither a majority of
the population nor a strong Democratic demographic. It does not
represent the sizable contingent of persons who respond emotively to
more pictographic stimuli.”
Axelrod
pointed out that “since the more viscerally inclined segments of
the population that have been the foundation of the Democratic
Party's base do not buy or read books we are not surprised by the
Amazon data. We are confident that come election day this vastly
larger cohort will overwhelm the much smaller group of GOP eggheads
represented by these statistics.”
DHS
Stocking up Ammo
This year
the Department of Homeland Security has purchased a reported 750
million rounds of hollow-point bullets. To help put this in
perspective, US troops fighting in Iraq used about 70 million
rounds/year.
In an
effort to quell apprehensions as to the intent of her agency,
Secretary Janet Napolitano emphasized that “it is important that
the government not be out-gunned by its enemies. We must have the
firepower to suppress anyone who may rise against us.”
Napolitano
also cited the lack of skill of the forces under her command compared
to potential enemies. “The extra rounds are needed to offset the
larger ratio of misses we anticipate may occur should we have to face
opponents trained by the NRA or similarly able terrorist-related
organizations.”
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