President
Tells Americans They're Better off than Four Years Ago
Chafing
under the GOP's repeated barbs about the pitiful state of the
economy, President Obama attempted to seize control of the narrative.
“If
there's one thing I can say with certainty at this point in the
campaign it's that there is no question that Americans are absolutely
better off than they were four years ago,” Obama insisted. “I
know many may find this hard to believe. Maybe they've had a family
member who's been out of work or a neighbor who's lost his house. But
let me point out that these kinds of anecdotal stories are based on
very small samples.”
“I
think everyone would have to agree that the President is privy to
both a broader scope of knowledge and a greater depth of
understanding than the average person,” he added. “From my
vantage point it is clear that people are overlooking some key
factors.”
The
President urged voters to consider that “through my initiatives,
the requirement to seek work in order to qualify for welfare payments
has been abolished. On top of this, more people than ever are now
receiving Food Stamps. Voters shouldn't let the GOP persuade them
that these measures to liberate people from wage-slavery have made
the average American worse off.”
Obama also
cited the record 89 million Americans “not in the labor force” as
“proof we're on the right track.” “We have made it feasible for
more people to exit the 'rat race' and join the ranks of the leisure
class,” he boasted. “Granted, over 60% of the population is still
stuck in the workday rut, b ut I'm confident that we can make further
progress on reducing this if voters make the right choice at the
polls this November.”
In related
news, former President Bill Clinton posed the upcoming election as a
clear choice. "If you want a you're-on-your-own, winner-take-all
society, you should support the Republican ticket," Clinton
said. “If you want government to take care of losers like yourself,
you should support the Democratic ticket.”
DOJ
Argues against Religious Exemption from Obamacare Mandate
The Thomas
More Law Center's lawsuit on behalf of Legatus, the nation’s
largest organization of top Catholic business leaders was sharply
challenged by Department of Justice lawyers. The lawsuit is seeking a
religious exemption from being required to fund the birth control and
abortion services dictated by Health and Human Services Secretary
Kathleen Sebelius.
DOJ
attorney, Stuart Delery argued that “the claimed freedom of
religion infringement is without merit. The plaintiffs remain as free
as ever to attend the church of their choice and to personally adhere
to whatever dogma they choose to believe. What they are not free to
do is refuse to pay for the medical treatments that the government
has declared their employees are entitled to receive.”
Delery
said “a careful reading of the Constitution finds no clause that
restricts the government's right to implement the health care
regulations it deems warranted. On the contrary, the very first
sentence of the document instructs the government to promote the
general welfare.”
The DOJ
lawyer also contended that “the plaintiffs' case fails even within
the context of their own religious tenets. Jesus, their religion's
guiding light, bade his followers to 'render unto Caesar what is
Caesar's.' Is not the money they object to paying for the mandated
health services clearly 'Caesar's?' Isn't it the US Government that
issues the money, regulates its value, and directs how it may
lawfully be used?”
Bin-Laden
Dead, GM Alive Theme Rouses Democrats
The
Democrats' search for a theme that will motivate voters to reelect
President Obama may have been answered, by of all people,
Vice-President Joe Biden: “Osama Bin Laden is dead, and General
Motors is alive.”
“These
two facts highlight the stark differences between President Obama and
Governor Romney,” Biden asserted. “Not only has President Obama
killed bin-Laden, he's killed dozens of other enemies of this
country. In fact, he meets weekly with his advisers to decide who's
next on his hit list. Romney, on the other hand, hasn't killed
anyone. Do voters really want to take a chance on someone so
inexperienced?”
“And
would a President Romney have had what it takes to save GM?” Biden
asked. “He'd have wanted to see income statements and balance
sheets to try to determine whether it was a wise investment before
risking anyone's money. This narrow focus on financial viability is
the kind of behavior that comes naturally to a bean-counting
profiteer. The President of the United States needs to take a broader
perspective.”
Senator
John Kerry (D-Mass) sang a similar tune saying “we need a president
who knows the difference between our friends and our enemies and acts
accordingly.”
“The
Republicans are trying to make hay out of the 'are you better off'
question,” Kerry observed. “Well, is bin-Laden better off? I
think not. On the other hand, are the workers of GM better off?
You're darn right they are. We've got a president who kills our
enemies and rewards our friends. Do voters really want to trade him
for a guy we can't trust to do the same?”
In
a bid to lock in another key demographic for the Democrats, Kal Penn,
actor in the Harold and Kumar stoner movies and former White House
aide for the Obama Administration, urged voters to “reelect the guy
who gave the order to take out bin Laden"and who's cool with all of
us getting gay-married. These truly historic achievements fulfill the
promise of hope and change we were promised by the guy who did this.”
Welfare
Waivers Unlawful GAO Says
The
Obama Administration's decision to waive the work requirement for
welfare recipients must be submitted for Congressional approval the
Government Accountability Office says. Under existing law, all
administrative changes of policy or regulations must be submitted to
Congress for their review.
Representative
Dave Camp (R-Mich), Chairman of the House Ways and Means Committee,
charged that Secretary Sebelius' waiver “constitutes an illegal
end-run around Congressional oversight.”
Sebelius
defended her actions as “necessary given the high probability of
obstruction from the Republican-controlled House of Representatives.
Voters elected President Obama in order to effect change in the way
we do business. His ability to carry out this mandate cannot be held
hostage by an uncooperative legislature.”
“If
Congress thinks he is breaking their law let them impeach him,” the
Secretary jeered. “That is their only Constitutional prerogative.
If they can't muster the nerve to exercise that prerogative he will
continue to do what he thinks is right.”
God
Put into Democratic Party Platform Despite Delegates' Opposition
A
belated decision to amend the Democratic Party Platform to
incorporate a brief mention alluding to the possibility there might
be a God did not go over well with a majority of the delegates. It
took Convention Chairman, Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa,
three unsuccessful tries to get the delegates' approval before he
took it upon himself to declare the amendment adopted.
Despite
the rather obvious disapproval of the amendment by the delegates, DNC
chair Representative Debbie Wasserman-Schultz (Fla) insisted that the
required two-thirds in favor threshold was met. “Look, the
Convention Chair approved it and President Obama approved it,”
Wasserman-Schultz pointed out. “That's two out of three in favor.
Whatever the majority of the delegates might want is, therefore, a
moot point.”
Wasserman-Schultz
brushed off reports that President Obama had approved the original
language omitting God from the document as “irrelevant. What the
President may have wanted earlier has no bearing. He's the one who
has to run on this platform. He 's the one who should decide what it
says. So what if he changed his mind. Isn't flexibility of mind
something we ought to value in a leader?”
In
related news, Obama Campaign adviser David Axelrod downplayed those
comparing the delegates' three denials of God with Peter's three
denials of Jesus. “Even if we were to take these comparisons at
face value isn't it true that Peter was forgiven and went on to found
a new religion?” Axelrod remembered. “Surely, the delegates who
didn't realize they were denying the wishes of the President can be
forgiven. More importantly, the Democratic Party Platform's
commitment to women's reproductive rights was never in question.”
Pentagon
Threatens Author of “No Easy Day”
The
Pentagon has threatened “severe repercussions” against a former
Navy SEAL for writing a book about the mission to kill bin-Laden.
“The
fact of the matter is that the mission to kill bin-Laden is the
exclusive intellectual property of the President of the United
States,” Pentagon press secretary, George Little said. “No
accounts of this event may be published without the express
permission of the Commander-in-Chief.”
Little
warned that “the book represents a serious security breach” and
reminded the author that “the President is not without potent
options for neutralizing this threat. We've already penetrated the
pseudonym the author tried to use to protect himself. He cannot
imagine he will get away with his disobedience.”