President
Humiliates Jon Stewart
President
Obama's appearance on the Daily Show turned into a major coup
for his reelection campaign. Obama inverted host Jon Stewart's gibe
about his response to the Benghazi attack with a crushing rebuttal.
Stewart's
suggestion that the Administration's actions were “confused” and
“not optimal” seemed to unnerve the President at first as he
conceded that the death of four Americans in the attack was “not
optimal.” However, the President landed a sound counter blow by
pointing out that Stewart offered no better ideas of his own.
“We can
sit around and second-guess what we did all day, but can you say what
you would've done in my place?” the President asked. “Unless
you've got a better plan to offer why tear down what I've done?”
Stewart's
reply “perhaps allowing consulate security to have bullets in their
guns or not ginning up some bogus excuse blaming a cheesy video”
was cut short when CNN's Candy Crowley emerged from the audience to
declare that “I've got the transcript right here. The President is
right on this. Let's move on to the next topic.”
“Thank
you Candy,” Obama said. “I think what we've seen here tonight
shows that there are two paths this nation can take. We could
divisively question every step I've taken to advance a progressive
agenda for America. Or we can, as Ms. Crowley demonstrated, all pull
together for the common good.”
After the
show, Crowley admitted that her intervention on behalf of the
President had no factual basis. “I don't see my role in life as
just some sterile adjudicator of facts,” she bragged. “Our
nation's President was under attack. I couldn't sit by and let his
credibility be destroyed. Coming to his aid is what any loyal citizen
would do.”
President
Says High Gas Prices Are Sign of Prosperity
In a
desperate effort to try to persuade voters that the economy is
starting to recover, President Obama touted high gas prices as “proof
that things are better than most people think they are.”
“Rising
demand is what pushes prices up,” Obama explained. “The fact that
gasoline prices have more than doubled since I took office shows that
people must be driving more. Since studies show that driving to work
accounts for the bulk of most folks' travel I think it's safe to say
that the jobs picture has to be a lot better than we've been led to
believe.”
The
President boasted that “my efforts to boost the price of fuel had
to overcome strenuous resistance from my political opponents. The
GOP's relentless crusade to open up drilling sites and ease
regulations had one goal in mind"thwarting the economic recovery by
preventing prices from rising. I'm confident that voters will see
this obstruction for what it is and not be fooled into reversing
course.”
When Obama
took office in January 2009 the average price of gasoline was $1.80.
Today it is $3.80. Department of Energy Secretary Steven Chu
expressed the hope that “similar gains can be achieved over the
next four years if the President is reelected.”
Obama
Campaign Buoyed by Welfare Gains
A report
just issued by the Congressional Research Service reveals that
federal government outlays for means-tested welfare programs have
surged by more than 30% over the last four years and now top the
trillion dollars per year level. Obama campaign adviser David Axelrod
called this “very encouraging news.”
“The
entire Republican campaign is premised on the idea that only 47% of
the population is dependent on subsidies from the government,”
Axelrod observed. “They think that they can count on the productive
53% to carry the day for them. However, this report indicates that
their constituency may be smaller than they think.”
“Keep in
mind that this trillion dollars of federal spending on welfare
doesn't include non-means-tested hand outs to favored constituencies
like green energy corporations and the unions,” Axelrod added. “On
top of this there are also state and local government programs
distributing benefits to reliably Democratic voting blocs. If
everyone votes their pocketbooks a vital break-point may have been
passed ensuring that the President's envisioned transformation for
this country can never be undone.”
Axelrod
brushed off polls that seem to be trending against Obama. “We're
thinking that the same people who don't want to admit they'll be
voting for more hand-outs to themselves to pollsters will, in the
privacy of the voting booth, pull the lever for the Democratic
ticket. That's also why election day exit polls will differ from the
official vote tallies, just like they did in the recent Venezuelan
election.”
Rise
in Violent Crime No Cause for Concern AG Says
This week,
the U.S. Bureau of Justice Statistics reported that violent crimes
jumped by 18% from 2010 to 2011.The increase was attributed to “an
increased tendency of people to express themselves through non-verbal
means of communication.”
“If you
look more deeply into the data you'll see that a 22% increase in
simple assault more than accounts for the uptick in violence,” said
Attorney General Eric Holder. “It's largely a case of more people
being more physically demonstrative in how they interact with
others.”
These
“physically demonstrative interactions are widely misconstrued due
to cultural prejudices that work against those who are verbally
challenged,” Holder argued. “People who can't understand how a
push or a punch could represent a valid way of making a point file
charges. The filing of charges inflates the crime statistics.”
Holder
said he couldn't help but feel that “there is a tinge of racism at
work here. White folks who are oblivious to how their non-physical
words or attitudes might hurt the feelings of others are quick to
take offense if one of their victims responds with a fist to their
face. Unfortunately, as it now stands, the law is biased in their
favor.”
The
Attorney General promised that “a second term for President Obama
will present the opportunity to revisit the laws on assault and
provide for a fairer balance.” Holder speculated that “a new
category of 'expressive assault' could be established that would
place physical and non-physical forms of interaction on a more level
playing field.”
Whether
the creation of a new category of assault would lead to a review of
cases of persons currently serving time in prison for assault, Holder
declined to say. “It's certainly something we'd want to take a look
at, but we can't make any hard promises at this point in time,”
Holder said.
Pundit
Questions Propriety of Presidential Debates
While
debates have been a part of the electoral process since the beginning
of this country, MSNBC's host of the show Hardball"Chris
Matthews"questioned whether they should be.
“Should
the President of the United States"America's 'first citizen' so to
speak, and acknowledged leader of the free world"have to put up
with the likes of someone like Mitt Romney?” Matthews wondered.
“Isn't it bad enough that Romney is allowed to traipse about the
country lambasting the President's policies? Is it fair to force the
President to be confronted face-to-face with his detractor?”
Particularly
irksome from Matthews point of view was the moment in last Tuesday's
debate when Romney rebuffed Obama's interruption by urging the
President to wait for his turn before speaking.
“Who
does Romney think he is?” Matthews demanded to know. “Obama is
THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES. He should speak whenever he deems
necessary. If the situation requires that he interrupt someone else
then he should interrupt. Preventing him from interrupting strikes me
as possibly unConstitutional.”
Matthews
further charged that “Romney's notion that everyone should get a
turn is simply childish. This is not some playground game. Treating
it like it is was very disrespectful. While President Obama was too
much of a gentleman to put Romney in his proper place I'm hoping the
voters aren't so squeamish.”
In related
news, CNN dismissed GOP complaints that their moderator"Candy
Crowley"gave Obama more time to speak than Romney, interrupted
Romney three times as often, and gave Obama the last word on 8 out of
11 occasions. “This debate was in line with the previous two
debates of this campaign,” the network's managing editor Mark
Whitaker maintained. “Showing the proper respect for the sitting
President and Vice-President is not something we should be criticized
for. Governor Romney should consider himself lucky he was allowed on
the same stage as the President. The President would've been entirely
within his rights to refuse to debate Mr. Romney, as was President
Johnson when he refused to debate Goldwater in the 1964 election
campaign.”
Jesse
Jackson Jr Headed for Reelection
Despite
being under investigation for “suspicious activity” regarding his
congressional finances and being absent from Congress for months
while being treated for mental illness at the Mayo Clinic,
Representative Jesse Jackson, Jr (D-Ill) seems bound for reelection.
Illinois
Governor Patrick Quinn (D) insisted that “neither his prolonged
absence from his post nor his potential criminal indictment should be
construed as disqualifying him for office. The job of a
Representative is to represent his constituents. Who's to say that he
doesn't represent the people of his district?”
In support
of his position, Quinn pointed out that “many of those elected to
serve our state have later ended up in prison. I think the fact that
this has happened repeatedly argues that Jackson, for all his faults,
may be exactly the type of person the people of Illinois want to
represent them. And isn't letting the people elect who they want to
represent them what democracy is all about?”
First
Lady Makes Pitch for “Knucklehead Vote”
As polling
data show Romney making gains among all the traditional voting
blocs"men, women, whites, minorities, Jews, Christians"the need
for the Obama campaign to find replacement votes has inspired First
Lady Michelle Obama to make an appeal for the “knucklehead vote.”
At a
campaign rally in Ohio, Michelle urged supporters to “leave no
stone unturned in the search for votes. Talk to everyone you
know"your friends, your neighbors, that cousin you haven't seen in
a while, that student sitting next to you in class, you know he's
kind of a knucklehead. He's not into politics. He doesn't know the
issues or the candidates. But guess what, his vote counts the same as
that of the most informed expert.”
“Of
course, getting a knucklehead to make the effort to vote may prove a
challenge,” she continued. “He may figure why should I have to
get off my duff to go vote. You tell him that getting off your duff
on one day to vote is a lot easier than getting off your duff
everyday to go to work. And that's what'll happen if we let the
Republicans win this election.”
In
addition to the 32% gain in welfare benefits that has transpired
during her husband's first term, Michelle promised further gains in
the next four years. “You know how the Affordable Care Act requires
parents to carry their children on their health insurance until
they're 26,” Michelle reminded. “Well, health care isn't all a
person needs to live. What about food and shelter?”
Michelle
said her husband is looking at a possible Executive Order that would
bar any parent from forcing a child to move out against his or her
will. “It's your home, too,” she contended. “You've spent your
whole life there. Why should your parents be permitted to kick you
out based on their one-sided opinion that it's time you should take
care of yourself? A person's needs don't stop just because you get
older.”
Veep
Says Planned Parenthood Performing Illegal Abortions
Though he
has been insisting that Planned Parenthood is barred by law from
performing abortions, Vice-President Joe Biden says he was stunned to
find out that the organization has actually aborted nearly a million
babies over the past three years.
“You
mean, all this time they've been lying to us?” an incredulous Biden
asked after being confronted with the statistics. “Barack and I
thought they were giving women mammy-grams. That's what we were
told.”
A bemused
Anderson Cooper, anchor of the CNN news show Anderson Cooper 360°,
asked Biden, “What's a
mammy-gram?”
“It's
a kind of medical read-out that shows whether a woman can be a mammy,
that's a mother for those who don't know the technical jargon,”
Biden explained.
The
Vice-President said he expected “we'll have to revisit this issue
in the second term. We don't want this great organization to have to
continue working outside the law. I think if we can work out a way
for the government to cover the costs of any abortions Planned
Parenthood has to perform it would make things easier all around.”
For
its part, Planned Parenthood has been financing campaign ads urging
voters to reelect President Obama.
Executive
Order Authorizes Seizing Bank Accounts
An October
9th Executive Order issued by President Obama authorizes
the federal government to seize the bank accounts of “sanctioned
persons.” A “sanctioned person” is “an individual is declared
by the president, the secretary of state, or the secretary of the
treasury to be a 'sanctioned person.'”
Representative
Ron Paul (R-Tex) labeled the move “as blatant and tyrannical an
assault on our liberties as any this President has taken. It
criminalizes a person merely on the say so of a government official,
confiscates his assets, and gives him no legal recourse for undoing
this injustice. It would've been bad enough if Congress had enacted
such a monstrosity. Having the President decree it by fiat is an
unConstitutional usurpation.”
Homeland
Security Secretary Janet Napolitano defended the measure calling it
“just another tool for us to use against those who would do us
harm. One must question the motives of those like Congressman Paul
who would like to hamper the government's ability to deal with its
enemies. Why doesn't he trust the highest officers of the US
Government to judiciously use this new authority? Is he afraid that
they'd sanction a person without a good reason?”
A
statement by Democratic National Committee Chairperson,
Representative Debbie Wasserman-Schultz (FLA) seems to lend some
credence to Representative Paul's concerns. “I think the
Republicans are showing they are un-American by badgering the
Administration over this whole Benghazi thing,” Wasserman-Schultz
complained. “The President has accepted responsibility. There's no
point to any further discussion. Persisting can only damage our
national interests. Luckily, the government now has the authority to
sanction these people if we need to.”