President's
Laughable Fiscal Plan Called “Will of the People”
So-called
negotiations to avert going over the “fiscal cliff” got off to an
unpromising start when Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner's
presentation of President Obama's “plan” generated audible
laughter from GOP leaders. The plan calls for a tax increase of $1.6
trillion and elimination of the limits on federal government debt. In
exchange for these concessions the President offers to consider
whether some sort of entitlement reform might be undertaken at an
unspecified future date if he deems it warranted.
Senate
Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky) quickly labeled the plan
“ludicrous” and “irresponsible,” likening it to “a demand
from a drug addict for an increase in his allowance and access to a
no-limit credit card.” “This is not a serious offer for dealing
with the nation's economic problems,” McConnell complained. “It's
a recipe for disaster.”
White
House Deputy Press Secretary Josh Earnest characterized the Senator's
reaction as “sour grapes.” “The GOP had their opportunity to
make the case for lower taxes and spending restraint during the
campaign,” Earnest pointed out. “If their guy had won they'd have
a case for insisting on a fiscally responsible budget. But he didn't.
Rather than rehashing a rejected message they ought to be cooperating
with the President's efforts to implement the will of the people.”
Huge
Powerball Payout Inspires “Ingenious” Fiscal Idea
The
nearly $600 million payout to the two winners of this week's latest
Powerball lottery drawing has inspired what Treasury Secretary
Timothy Geithner called “an ingenious and painless way out of the
government's chronic debt crisis.”
Geithner's
“ingenious and painless” plan calls for the Federal Reserve to
buy a minimum of $30 billion in Powerball tickets every week. “Over
the course of a year this would generate a minimum of $1.5 trillion
in lottery winnings,” Geithner calculated. “As the holder of more
than 99% of each week's outstanding tickets, the federal government
would almost certainly win each week's jackpot. The cumulative weekly
winnings would totally cover the annual budget deficits.”
The
Secretary congratulated himself for “pioneering a truly innovative
solution to government finance. It would completely bypass any need
for higher taxes or more borrowing. The whole 'fiscal cliff' thing
would be blown away. In fact, if we wanted to provide even more
government services than currently contemplated we could boost Fed
lottery purchases to $40 billion, $50 billion, or whatever amount we
wanted each week. A true 'golden age' of unlimited leisure for nearly
every American would be within our grasp.”
President
Obama is said to be “peeved” by Geithner's proposal. “While I
appreciate Secretary Geithner's enthusiasm I am disappointed that he
has lost sight of my number one fiscal priority: raising taxes on the
top 2% of earners,” Obama said. “Using lottery winnings to cover
deficits ignores our obligation to impose fairness in our nation's
income distribution system. Those who's greed has driven them to take
more than their fair share of the country's wealth have to be made to
give back the excess. I won't settle for anything less.”
AutoZone
Fires Employee Who Prevented Robbery
A clerk
working in a Virginia AutoZone store thwarted an armed robber who is
believed to have committed more than 30 hold-ups in retail
establishments throughout the state. Bringing the thief to justice,
however, has cost that clerk, Devin McClean, his job. Though the
store manager credits McClean with saving his life, the clerk ran
afoul of AutoZone's “zero tolerance” policy on guns in its
stores.
AutoZone
spokesman Curt Chretin explained that “It's a matter of corporate
policy that the company feels very strongly about. Zero tolerance is
simple and efficient. Rather than having corporate time and energy
tied up trying to weigh the specifics of each incident on a
case-by-case basis it is easier just to terminate anyone who violates
the policy.”
“Consider
that an attempt to evaluate a situation like this would entail
numerous hours of effort gathering evidence, interviewing
participants, and discussing options by high-ranking officers of the
company. I think you can see that it would be uneconomical,”
Chretin explained. “Why should the firm make such an investment to
save the job of one minimum wage clerk when hiring a replacement is
so cheap and easy?”
Chretin
defended the zero tolerance policy as fair “because it applies
equally to all employees and customers. I mean, it's not like we're
saying it is okay for a robber to carry a gun into one of our stores.
In fact, if he should somehow be apprehended it is also our company
policy to permit any of our employees to take vacation leave to
testify at any legal proceedings that may occur as a result of a
robbery.”
Administration
Opposes STEM Act
Republican
efforts to pave the way for talented immigrants to enter America are
being opposed by the Obama Administration. Specifically, President
Obama is opposing the STEM (Science, Technology, Engineering, and
Math) Act. This bill would expedite the issuance of visas to
foreign-born graduates with technical degrees from US universities.
The
President characterized the legislation as “misguided. It would
extend the benefits of residency and employment to highly skilled
foreigners. This is contrary to my wishes and contradicts America's
promise. The beneficiaries would tend to be the most capable people
from foreign countries. We should be encouraging them to return home
to share their abilities with their fellow countrymen, not stealing
them for our own benefit.”
“The
people we ought to be bringing in are the tired, poor huddled masses
that we promised to rescue,” the President countered. “We are a
rich country. We have the wealth and resources to take care of those
who are ill-fed, ill-housed, and ill-clothed in foreign lands. A
comprehensive immigration reform that expedites the admission of
these unfortunates will help us realize the dream of a more equitable
redistribution of our riches.”
To further
bolster the case for his comprehensive immigration reform package,
Obama cited the plummeting birthrates among illegal immigrants. “The
difficult economy has reduced the opportunity for those without the
necessary documents to earn an income adequate to support their
families,” Obama asserted. “This reemphasizes the need to
establish a means for them to legally qualify for the many programs
our society has to offer those in distress so they may more fully
enjoy their human right to reproduce without fear of deprivation.”
Congressman
Calls for Limiting Freedom of Speech
Representative
Hank Johnson (D-Ga) demanded that the US Constitution be amended to
strip businesses of their right to oppose government actions they
deem detrimental to their interests. Johnson says that under his
proposed amendment “the government would be authorized to block the
airing of opinions that would tend to undermine the government's
efforts to achieve a more socially just society.”
“I'm not
saying that freedom of speech is a totally bad idea,” Johnson said.
“Individuals shouldn't be prohibited from expressing their
preference for, say, chocolate over vanilla or football over
baseball. However, when it comes to issues that affect how this
country is governed the airing of uncooperative views can throw a
monkey wrench into our policy making decision apparatus.”
Johnson
was particularly incensed by “businesses trying to persuade voters
against the enactment of regulations for public benefit and rich
people trying to prevent us from accomplishing a fairer distribution
of the nation's wealth. These corporations, these fat cats have the
resources to buy ads on TV that could turn voters against progressive
policies. We shouldn't let out-dated attachment to free speech impede
the march of history.”
Whether
Susan Rice Misled American People Not Important
White
House Press Secretary Jay Carney says that President Obama is “not
particularly concerned about whether UN Ambassador Susan Rice misled
the American people on Benghazi.”
“Whether
the average American knows what's going on in foreign policy is not
important,” Carney insisted. “I mean, even if John Q. Citizen
knew what transpired in Benghazi what could he do with that
information? Would he make a treaty? Send troops? Order drone
attacks? Or 'none of the above?'”
“Let's
face it, when it comes to using intel the average American has no
basis for understanding anything,” Carney continued. “The
President is the person they have elected to handle these kinds of
things. Rather than trying to meddle with what he's doing they should
just let him do his job.”
Carney
brushed aside charges that Rice deliberately lied in her public
statements. “So what if she did,” Carney argued. “First of all,
any lying would've been at the express direction of the President and
Secretary of State. Ambassador Rice ought not be criticized for
simply following the orders of her superiors in the government.”
“Second,
lying to the people for their own good is something that every great
leader must do from time to time,” Carney added. “In the 1940
election FDR promised that no Americans would be sent to foreign
wars. He knew it was essential that the United States intervene in
the war against Hitler, but if he had said so publicly he might not
have been reelected. Securing reelection by whatever means necessary
was his sacred obligation. President Obama shouldn't be criticized
for following this illustrious example.”
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