Administration
Touts Obamacare as Jobs Engine
The
complexities of the Affordable Health Care Act (aka Obamacare) are
now being hailed as a stimulant for the economy by Secretary Kathleen
Sebelius.
“The GOP
has been trying to lampoon the Health Care law as a 'Rube Goldberg'
contraption that boggles the mind,” Sebelius said. “Well, the
joke's on them. It is the very complexity of the regulations that has
opened up a need for hundreds of thousands of jobs for advisers to
help patients navigate these regulations.”
“In the
simplistic minds of the law's detractors, the decision to seek
medical assistance is an uncomplicated one"a person feeling ill
consults a physician,” Sebelius observed. “The new law has so
confused a vast number of potential beneficiaries that professional
guidance is now essential if one hopes to get the best result.”
The
suggestion that Obamacare's extra layers of paperwork don't add any
real value was mocked by the Secretary. “At a time of high
unemployment giving people something to do is vital to restoring
economic growth,” Sebelius argued. “What's more, these jobs are
environment-friendly. In contrast, the jobs that would be generated
by increasing access to fossil-based energy supplies by expanding oil
drilling or constructing the Keystone Pipeline would tend to lower
fuel costs and encourage more driving and air pollution.”
City
Defends Hiring Non-Swimming Minorities as Lifeguards
While
taking some flak for doing so, City of Phoenix officials are standing
by their decision to accept non-swimming minorities as pool
lifeguards.
“The
problem with requiring swimming proficiency as a condition of
employment is that minorities would be under-represented among those
we hire,” City Parks and Recreation Administrator Alfredo Zote.
“The Mayor has asked us to strive for a workforce that mirrors the
composition of the City's population. We can't do that if we impose
qualifications that have a disproportionate impact on any racial or
ethnic groups.”
As to
whether the ability to swim might not be a crucial skill in the
performance of the job, Zote demurred. “Few of the annual drownings
that occur in our state are at public pools,” he pointed out. “And
we can team the non-swimming minority hire with a strong-swimming
white hiree. That way the non-swimmer can help spot a potential
drowning victim and direct the swimmer to rescue him.”
While
Zote acknowledged that he had no idea on whether the new policy would
have any negative consequences for the safety of visitors to any of
the City's 23 public pools he did ask that “critics balance any
undesired outcomes at the pools with the social gains of our minority
hiring policy. Providing employment for disfavored groups is not
without its benefits. Whether their gains in self-esteem outweigh
losses in terms of injury or fatalities at our sites is, in my
opinion, a judgment call.”
$400,000
Study of Duck Genitalia Defended
The
citation of $400,000 of taxpayer dollars being spent on a study of
duck genitalia as an example of waste was assailed by National
Science Foundation spokeswoman Deborah Wing.
“I would
say that the poll showing nearly 90% of respondents disapproving of
this kind of outlay by the federal government bolsters my confidence
that we are on the right track in our funding decisions,” Wing
contended. “To the average person, this looks like a poor use of
money. This is why expert opinion must overrule an uninformed general
public.”
“Lost in
the rush to ridicule how federal funds are disbursed are the
incredibly intriguing findings of studies like this,” Wing
explained. “I mean, how many of these critics were aware that duck
penises are cork-screw shaped"a piece of information that might
never have come to light without this study? The future value of such
information is incalculable. We must never permit the quest for
knowledge to be stifled by the short-sighted selfishness of taxpayers
and their advocates.”
President
Complains of Constitutional Constraints
In a
speech at a Democratic fund-raising event President Obama told the
audience that “the good I can accomplish is limited by
Constitutional constraints,” and emphasized the importance of
“overcoming these constraints by electing more Democrats to
Congress.”
“Just
imagined what we could get done if Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) were once
again the Speaker of the House,” Obama urged. “Instead of having
Republicans blocking my initiatives with objections that the cost is
too great we'd have the votes needed to ensure that vital new
programs would get through.”
In support
of his argument, the President recalled that “the Affordable Health
Care Act would never have gotten passed if we hadn't had Democratic
control of both Houses of Congress. It was only the courage and faith
of then-Speaker Pelosi's determination to press ahead even though no
one had time to read the legislation that made the enactment of
Obamacare possible. We need to recreate those salutary conditions.”
For her
part, Pelosi pledged, if given another chance, to “remove the
impediments to the brighter future President Obama is trying to bring
to America. What this country needs is a broad 'enabling act' that
would give the President the unconstrained authority to move forward
despite possible future Congressional opposition. If we had passed
such an act before we lost our majority the President could now
bypass GOP obstruction and institute the transformation he promised
and voters elected him to accomplish.”
Legislator
Laments Uproar over Bill to Restrict Gun Ownership
State
Representative Beth McCann (D-Denver) expressed disappointment over
having to withdraw her bill aimed at preventing “dangerous persons”
from legally acquiring firearms. Under the proposed bill, the names
of persons determined to be unworthy of owning firearms could have
been confidentially entered onto a national registry and thereby
blocking them from purchasing these weapons.
“The
beauty of my proposal is that the doctors, nurses, and counselors
blacklisting these threats would be protected from potential
retaliation for doing what they felt was necessary for public
safety,” McCann boasted. “The nuts that would've been
systematically barred from ever obtaining a gun would've never known
why.”
McCann
maintains that “the desire to own a gun is, by itself, a likely
marker for mental illness. In a sane world, the mere act of
attempting to purchase a gun would be sufficient evidence to deny a
person access to it.” In the Representative's “sane world” the
government would own all firearms and only authorized personnel would
be permitted to carry these weapons.
In
related news, US Representative Diana DeGette (D-Colo) rebutted
contentions that citizens need the right to bear arms for
self-defense. “The average person isn't competent to use firearms
to defend himself,” DeGette insisted. “The professional criminal
is likely far more skilled. Crime victims are better off relying on
the mercy an assailant is more likely to show if they don't resist.
Also, if police show up while the crime is still in progress their
task will be simpler"just shoot the one with the gun.”
White
House Complains “Drudge Is Muddling Our Message”
White
House senior adviser Dan Pfeiffer complained that the Drudge Report
(a prominent website for news headlines) is “hurting our message.”
“If it
were only Drudge we had to contend with we'd be okay,” Pfeiffer
said. “The problem is other media are picking up his content and
demanding to know our response. This flies in the face of the
protocol we have striven to establish. We feel that the media should
be getting their main thrust from us. They should not be badgering
the Administration with notions originating from outside.”
Thus far,
Pfeiffer's approach toward combating this threat has been to seek to
intimidate media representatives who cite Drudge as a source for
questions they raise. “My first effort is to establish that mere
mention of this discredited source is a reason for reporters to be
embarrassed,” Pfeiffer bragged. “If this is insufficient to bring
them into line, my suggestion that they may be cut off from
participating in our future briefings if they don't behave themselves
usually does the trick.”
“In a
perfect world irksome intrusions from pests like Drudge wouldn't
exist,” Pfeiffer added. “Getting from here to there, though, is
likely to take some effort. For the time being we are going to have
to swat them down whenever they rear their ugly heads. This doesn't
mean we aren't seeking a more permanent solution.”
UN
Calls for Disarming those 55 Years and Older
The
recently passed UN Global Arms Trade Treaty contains a provision that
would ban those over 55 years old from owning guns.
UN
Secretary General Ban Ki-moon explained that “most crimes are
committed by gun-wielding assailants who generally are younger than
their victims. If we allow those who are near the end of their lives
to use guns to kill these younger assailants the human race will be
losing more 'life-years,' on balance. Therefore, it is better that
these elderly victims not be given the means to resist even if that
means they will be slain by their attackers.”