Administration Brochure Touts
Food Stamp Benefits for Foreigners
It was recently
discovered that the Obama Administration has been working jointly
with the Mexican government to inform that country's illegal migrants
to the United States of their “rights to government food
assistance.”
The product of this
cooperative undertaking is a Spanish-language flyer supplied to the
Mexican Embassy by the US Department of Agriculture. The flyer
asserts that “even those who enter America illegally are still
entitled to certain benefits” and explains how these “undocumented
persons” may secure these benefits through the Supplemental
Nutrition Assistance Program (SNAP).
Senator Jeff
Sessions (R-Ala) called the revelation “evidence of a dangerously
misguided policy. We are $16 trillion in debt. Adding foreign
nationals to our welfare rolls is fiscally irresponsible.”
US
Department of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack defended the outreach
program saying “it clearly falls within the nation's proud
tradition of welcoming newcomers to our shores. Doesn't our Statue of
Liberty ask the world to give us their poor and hungry masses
yearning to live free? How can we not feed them once they get here?
Wouldn't that be breach of promise?”
Vilsack
hastened to point out that “our efforts aren't confined to
Mexicans. We're very ecumenical in our outlook. One of the guys who
bombed the Boston Marathon was a beneficiary of the SNAP food
subsidies. We didn't pry into his private life. We didn't question
his beliefs. To us he was a human being in need of help. That he may
have been ungrateful for that help is something we can't control.
Should we let this unfortunate turn of events change who we are?
Isn't this when we're supposed to turn the other cheek?”
Election
Fraud Conviction Labeled ""Irrelevant”
Former St. Joseph County
Democratic party Chairman Butch Morgan, Jr. was found guilty of
felony conspiracy counts to commit petition fraud and forgery, and
former county Board of Elections worker Dustin Blythe was found
guilty of felony forgery counts and falsely making a petition, after
being accused of fabricating signatures on petitions that enabled
Senator Barack Obama, to get on the presidential primary ballot in
2008. The finding means that Obama lacked sufficient valid signatures
to qualify.
Obama's 2008 campaign manager,
David Plouffe, labeled the convictions “irrelevant and of no
consequence. Look, we're talking about a few hundred forged
signatures in one Indiana county. In the end, 69 million votes were
recorded for Barack Obama. He was clearly the choice of a majority of
Americans. What's the difference if there were a few minor
irregularities in the process on his way to the presidency?”
Plouffe said hoped that “the
punishment for these two longtime Democratic Party stalwarts wouldn't
be too harsh. I think we have to consider intent. Election rules can
be complex and picayune. The time spent complying could be put to
better use doing something else. These officials were only trying to
enable the most qualified person to succeed. Since that intent was
fulfilled we should forgive any missteps that occurred.”
Boston
Bombing May Lead to Crackdown on Public Use of Cameras
One of the lessons the
Department of Homeland Security (DHS) is taking away from the Boston
Marathon bombing is the “potential for phone cameras and video
recorders being used to plan these kinds of attacks.”
Secretary Janet Napolitano says
DHS is “looking into the inherent threat posed by unauthorized use
of these devices, especially in heavily trafficked public places. Law
enforcement personnel at every level need to be on alert for people
deploying these devices.”
Napolitano professed to be
“especially concerned that government officers in the midst of
carrying out the directives of higher authorities might be
intimidated by fears that their actions are being secretly recorded.”
In related news, those who want
an iconic photo of President Obama observing a moment of silence in
memory of the victims of the bombing should contact Democratic
National Committee headquarters (ph. 202-863-8000). Chairwoman
Representative Debbie Wasserman-Schultz urged everyone “to
commemorate this tragic and historic moment by obtaining this
portrait of our indomitable leader and simultaneously making a
donation to help ensure that the Party has the funding needed to
continue promoting its agenda.”
House
Report Faults Administration for Benghazi Attack
An interim report for the US
House of Representatives on last September's slaying of the US
Ambassador and three other Americans laid the blame squarely on Obama
Administration officials. Specifically cited was Secretary of State
Hillary Clinton's approval of reduced security.
The
report found “serious inconsistencies between the documentary
record and Secretary Clinton's testimony under oath to Congress”
and suggested that “a prima
facie
case for a charge of perjury has been laid.”
Press Secretary Jay Carney
scoffed at the report's “so called evidence. The revelation of
documents with Secretary Clinton's signature on them authorizing
reductions in security doesn't mean anything. It certainly doesn't
prove that she knew what she was signing or that she even read those
documents. Signing papers put in front of them is what the officers
of government do. Insisting this means they bear responsibility is a
stretch.”
To bolster his case, Carney
recalled “Congress' habit of passing legislation they haven't read.
It's like the pot calling the kettle black. The US Government is such
a huge operation that running it is beyond a normal person's
capability. Congress ought to be cutting us some slack instead of
honing in on every little mistake we make.”
Carney gave long odds to the
possibility that the perjury issue would go anywhere. “I seem to
recall that there were 'inconsistencies' in some of former President
Clinton's statements under oath,” Carney remembered. “Was he
prosecuted? No. No one had the guts to open that can of worms.
Secretary Clinton will get a pass. She's a private citizen now and
should be allowed to enjoy her retirement without being dogged by
accusations.”
DHS
Explains Huge AMMO Needs
Congressional inquiry into the
Department of Homeland Security's huge ammunition acquisitions
spurred agency officials to try to explain what is going on. At
current inventory levels, DHS has four to five times as many bullets
for its officers as the US Army has for our troops.
DHS training officer Humberto
Medina pointed out that “the Army faces known enemies in numbers
far smaller than we have to consider. I mean, Afghanistan's
population is tiny compared to that of the United States. And the
Army can supplement with aerial and artillery bombardment. We don't
have that capacity at this time.”
Medina also suggested that “Army
troops are better trained and more accurate shooters than the
majority of those we've recruited for Homeland Security. So it stands
to reason that we'd need to fire more rounds to hit any given target,
whether it be in a training exercise or, heaven forbid, suppressing
an insurrection. In a nation with over 300 million potential enemies
an inventory of billions of bullets doesn't seem unreasonable to me.”
Nick Nayak, DHS' chief
procurement officer, offered an alternative explanation for the
recent surge in ammo purchases. “The notion that we are
specifically targeting civilians is overwrought,” he said. “People
don't understand the way federal budgeting works. If we end the year
with unspent funds that money is lost to us. Our surplus would then
be used by the Administration's enemies to argue for reduced spending
in the next budget cycle. In that context, buying a billion bullets
that we may never use seemed to be our best option.”
Mayor
Downplays Indication that NYC Was Boston Bombers' Next Target
A
statement from captured bomber Dzhokhar Tsarnaev and
corroborated by the terrorists' carjack victim that New York City's
Times Square was the next target was met with surprising calm by
Mayor Michael Bloomberg.
“As
horrific as the Boston Marathon bombing was or that a similar attack
in Times Square might've been, the carnage entailed cannot match that
wreaked on our citizens by sugar-laden soft drinks,” Bloomberg
said. “The Boston bomb claimed the lives of three innocent victims
and maimed dozens more. Sugary soft drinks kill and incapacitate far
more on an annual basis.”
Bloomberg
insisted that “we should not be diverted from the bigger threat to
our health and well-being just because a bomb is a louder and messier
way to kill people. The argument that sugary soft drinks are a
voluntary choice is a smokescreen meant to obscure our social
obligation to be our brothers' keepers.”
The
Mayor sought to assure that his concerns about people's unhealthy
habits “is not my sole focus. I think recent events in Boston and
Newtown are clear warnings that our interpretation of the rights
protected by the Constitution must undergo an evolution.”
“Take,
for example, the Fourth Amendment's bar to 'unreasonable searches and
seizures,'” Bloomberg added. “Given the speed with which
criminals can carry out their crimes is it truly unreasonable for
police to enter any place and seize weapons or dangerous materials
before they can be used? As we saw from the successful manhunt that
captured the Boston bomber, citizens don't mind warrant-less searches
of their homes. So, should we really let rigid adherence to an
ancient document overrule contemporary common sense?”