DOJ
to Crack Down on Excessive Criticism of Muslims
Bill Killian, the US Attorney
for the Eastern district of Tennessee, says that social media
comments critical of Islam that the Department of Justice deems
“excessive” will be subject to “enforcement action.”
“We understand that some
people may be frightened or angry over what they see as unwarranted
acts of terror or other violence carried out by persons alleged to be
motivated by radical religious views,” Killian said. “However, it
is our position that two wrongs don't make a right.”
“Fighting for the faith and
slaying unbelievers is a religious obligation for Muslims,” Killian
argued. “Verbal attacks on these beliefs and behaviors illegally
denigrate the religious freedoms of Muslims. Just as our Constitution
protects the Christians' right to 'turn the other cheek' it also must
protect the Muslims' right to wage holy jihad. To the extent
that Muslims are inhibited by hate speech targeting this right we
will intervene.”
As for freedom of speech,
Killian pointed out that “protecting the free exercise of religion
takes precedence over abridging freedom of speech under the First
Amendment. Speech that has the effect of suppressing the free
exercise of a Muslim's religion will not be tolerated by this
Administration.”
The initial enforcement action
is expected to be DOJ assistance in suits in which aggrieved Muslims
seek financial compensation for “mental anguish” or “personal
humiliation” they may suffer as a result of intemperate criticisms
posted in public forums like Facebook and Twitter.
In related news, Senator Dick
Durbin (D-Ill) questioned whether non-journalists are entitled to
post their opinions on blog or twitter forums. “Journalists are
trained to be objective,” Durbin contended. “Ordinary citizens
are not. I think if we limited posting rights to this identifiable
and more narrowly confined group we would eliminate a lot of our
problems with unauthorized and unsanctioned expression. The news
would be more controlled and less hysterical and subversive.”
Venezuelan
Police Seize Stash of Toilet Paper
The
Government's determination to impose a “socialist solution” to
the nation's burgeoning spate of material shortages took what
officials called “a major step forward” when police seized a
hidden stash of 2500 rolls of previously privately owned toilet
paper.
“These
last remnants of a vital commodity have been rescued from the hands
of the selfish and will now be redistributed according to the rules
of social justice,” President Nicolás Maduro boasted. “There
will be no more hoarding. Everyone will get an equal share.”
The
allocation is estimated to amount to one-twenty-fifth of a sheet per
person. That's a piece measuring roughly one inch by one-half inch.
Those wanting to claim their share are asked to present themselves to
the Ministry of Communes and Social Protection offices between the
hours of 9 a.m. and 5 p.m., Monday through Friday and to show a photo
ID in order to receive their allotment of this “rescued”
commodity.
Mass
Gov Says Welfare Irregularities Overblown
The
release of an audit showing that over $2 million in welfare benefits
were paid out to deceased recipients originally sent Governor Deval
Patrick into seclusion. Now it has him fighting mad.
“First,
let's not blow things out of proportion,” Patrick pleaded. “In
the context of the State's $30 billion budget, the $2.4 million
erroneously paid out to dead people is mere pocket change.”
“Second,
it could be argued that being dead is the worst off a person can be,”
Patrick added. “Since welfare is supposed to go to the least well
off is it really such a travesty that money went to such persons?
Granted, the deceased can't spend the money himself, but surely his
bereaved family has some needs that may have been intensified by his
demise.”
The
Governor's adroit handling of this scandal is believed to have upped
his stock as a potential successor for embattled Obama Administration
Attorney General Eric Holder in the event the President feels
compelled to dismiss him for his part in several scandals and his
perjured testimony in Congress.
In
related news, illegal alien and mother of seven, Marita Nelson
recently celebrated her 20th
anniversary of receiving government welfare. Nelson currently is in
the midst of a personal crusade to convince as many other illegals as
she can to sign up for welfare benefits. An ally in this crusade is
the Obama Administration, which has hired recruiters to sign up as
many welfare recipients as possible.
Democrat
Denounces Plan to Arrest Chicago Gangsters
The
wave of homicides that has catapulted the City of Chicago to the
upper echelons of the crime statistics inspired Illinois Senator Mark
Kirk (R) to propose a plan to organize mass arrests for members of
the street gang known as the Gangster Disciples. This plan was
denounced as an “upper middle class, elitist white boy solution”
by Representative Bobby Rush (D-Ill).
“Senator
Kirk may place obeying the law among his top priorities, but this is
not part of the street culture of Chicago,” Rush asserted. “There
are parts of the City where the only way you can survive is to join a
gang, get a gun, and kill before you are killed. You can't make it by
acting white. It's unreasonable for us to force ill-suited behaviors
onto those who have had to learn alternate ways of coping.”
Rush
suggested that “instead of spending $30 million to try to suppress
these gangs we might want to think about whether it might be better
invested in job training.”
Reputed
leader of the Gangster Disciples, Larry Hoover struck a defiant
stance toward both approaches. “We don't need training for some
chicken sh*t jobs,” Hoover said. “We've got our own businesses to
run. With the money we're making we can bribe the police who
appreciate the benefits of living and get all the guns we need to
fend off whatever cops we can't bribe.”
Hoover
laughed at Senator Kirk's faith in government efforts to combat
crime. “I know he says the feds took down Capone and that gives him
confidence they can take us down,” Hoover observed. “But Capone
was a pansy who let himself be taken down. We won't make that
mistake.”
Obama
Tells Donors Taking Back House Is Crucial
At
an event where the price of admission ranged from $1,000 to $32,000
per seat, President Obama urged 150 donors to give as much as they
can to the effort of the Democratic Party to retake control of the
House of Representatives in the 2014 elections.
“Right
now the nation's business is being held hostage by the Republican
House majority that insists on pressing ahead with useless
investigations,” Obama declared. “Even if we were to concede that
the issues they want to investigate are legitimate"which we
don't"it must be admitted that those affected constitute a tiny
minority.”
“We've
got four Americans who were killed in Benghazi last year,” Obama
admitted. “But out of a population of more than 300 million that's
insignificant. And what if the IRS unduly scrutinized conservative
groups. Conservatives aren't a majority. The average American wasn't
affected by whatever the IRS did or didn't do. As for spying on the
media, does your run-of-the-mill viewer really give a hoot?”
“These
GOP fomented investigations are a diversion from our nation's
progress toward the fundamental transformation we Democrats have been
working so long and hard to accomplish,” the President said. “If
Democrats controlled the House these investigations wouldn't be
happening. I couldn't be more anxious to have Congresswoman Pelosi
back as Speaker. Your generous donations will help make that happen.”
Sebelius
Addresses Graduates
US
Secretary of Health and Human Services Kathleen Sebelius, in a blog
addressed to “the class of 2013,” told graduates that “though
the job picture may be bleak, your access to health care is better
than ever.”
“In
no previous generation of graduates has the access to birth control
and abortion been as secure as it is for you,” Sebelius wrote.
“Your peers from an earlier era would be thrust into the workforce
to fend for themselves. What kind of health insurance or even whether
there would be any insurance at all was at the discretion of what the
employer might provide.”
“Many
of those policies didn't cover birth control under the premise that
the actions that might prompt its need were voluntary,” Sebelius
continued. “Virtually none of those policies covered sex-change
surgery because they considered it elective, not required. Well,
under the new Affordable Care Act 'voluntary' and 'elective' no
longer have any bearing on coverage. Regulations now specify
mandatory coverage for as wide an array of procedures and therapies
as we could imagine.”
“You
are now free to live your lives the way you want without having to
worry whether you have the funds to pay for any conceivable treatment
the US Government has determined you are entitled to receive,”
Sebelius concluded. “It is the dawn of a new age and you are its
privileged vanguard.”
In
related news, the Associated Press reports that millions will see
their current health insurance terminated because of Obamacare. The
new law bans “bare-bones” type plans that cover only major
medical expenses or permit high deductibles. All qualifying plans
must be of the “Cadillac” variety. Former participants in
bare-bones plans may expect annual premium costs to rise by an
estimated 50% to 150%.
Opinion • More about 
