Voters
Say Free Stuff Better than Freedom
Despite
polling data indicating that over 60% of those surveyed see GOP
presidential nominee Mitt Romney's concern about Americans becoming
too dependent on government as valid, most still say they will vote
to reelect Obama.
“As a
general proposition, it might be a bad thing for people to become too
dependent on the government,” said one poll respondent. “But this
whole freedom thing is kind of abstract compared to actually getting
stuff for free. I mean, take the 10 million free phones the
government has given out. A phone is something I can hold in my hand.
I can use it to call my friends, play video games, download tunes"you
know, have fun.”
“Freedom
might have been important to people when they were fighting taxation
without representation in 1776, but what's that to me here and now?”
asked another poll respondent. “I don't have to pay taxes, but I
still get to vote. My vote counts just as much as the sap who has to
work. Shouldn't I use it to keep the free stuff coming?”
In
related news, Stephanie Cutter, deputy campaign manager for President
Barack Obama's 2012 reelection effort bragged that “Democrats have
locked up the women's vote. We're giving them free birth control and
free cell phones"two items of critical importance to the modern
woman. The Republicans offer what"lower taxes, fewer regulations?
Even if we were to concede that these are desirable"which we
don't"they'd provide equal benefits for men. Why should any woman
vote for that?”
President
Says His Economic Performance No Worse than FDR's
Buoyed by
polls showing him pulling away from his opponent, President Barack
Obama says “it's time for all patriotic Americans to rally for the
common good by giving me four more years.”
The
President acknowledged that “things may be tough for many of you,
but whatever setbacks you may have experienced are just bumps in the
road compared to the existential threat to this country that is posed
by the risk that I might not prevail on election day.”
The
President declared that the latest report showing extraordinary
weakness in the nation's economy “reemphasizes the importance of
continuing the work I've done since January 2009. Just as voters
reelected FDR in the midst of worse economic news in 1936 than we
face today, I'm asking for the same vote of confidence.”
MSNBC
pundit Chris Matthews said he found President Obama's position
persuasive and asserted that “failure to reelect him could only be
due to racism, inasmuch as Roosevelt was reelected with an
unemployment rate double the 8% we have today. How could we justify
holding our first African-American President to a higher standard
than a rich white man? We can't unless we truly are racists.”
In the
1936 presidential election, Franklin Roosevelt crushed his Republican
opponent Alf Landon, winning over 60% of the popular vote and the
electoral votes of every state but Maine and Vermont. Obama Campaign
adviser David Axelrod said he doubted that Obama would be able to
duplicate the feat due to “GOP slander, vote fraud and the barely
concealed racism of so many Republican voters.”
Michelle
Obama Unfazed by Student Lunch Boycott
Students
at Parsippany Hills High School in New Jersey say they are planning a
boycott to protest new lunch guidelines stemming from First Lady
Michelle Obama’s “Let’s Move” campaign. Under the guidelines
portions are smaller, there is less meat and bread and more
vegetables. Students say the meals are too skimpy and leave them
feeling hungry.
“The
problem is too many of our nation's children are obese,” the First
Lady said. “Left to their own devices too many teens are
over-eating. Parents aren't doing their jobs. So, we are using our
leverage to take up the slack.”
The
“leverage” is federal aid that subsidizes the school lunches. “If
the government is going to pay for these meals it has the
responsibility and the right to control the menu,” Michelle
insisted. “Those who want to eat more than we have determined is
healthy can pay for their additional food with their own money.”
The
possibility of a boycott was rated “no big deal” by the First
Lady. “Refusing to eat also helps fight obesity. Studies have shown
that calorie restriction helps prolong lives. Much as we may make fun
of places like North Korea, the fact is that the starvation being
imposed on the population by the government probably benefits
everyone over the long term.”
In related
news, Barack Obama is touting the presidential prospects for his
wife. “She’s an incredible person and an incredible talent,”
Barack bragged. “It would be a great sacrifice for her, but I'm
confident she would put the nation's welfare ahead of her own
preferences if circumstances required it. Besides, seeing how slowly
things have moved since I got here it might well take another eight
years to get the job done. So, those who trusted in me may want to
ensure that my policies are carried on by such means.”
Administration
Unimpressed by Netanyahu's UN Speech
Israeli
Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu’s speech to the United Nations
about the danger posed by Iran's acquisition of nuclear weapons was
called unimpressive by Obama Administration spokesman Tommy Vietor.
“Netanyahu's
voice is merely one among many,” Vietor pointed out. “On top of
that he speaks for a tiny minority of the region's population, most
of which hold diametrically opposite views. His self-serving brief
for the interests of this minority need to be juxtaposed against the
conflicting interests of the majority. I think the President was on
target when he characterized Netanyahu's fears as 'noise' he tries to
ignore.”
Vietor
questioned “whether it might be the time for us to consider how
best to serve the greater good of the greater number. The persistence
of this Jewish minority in the region is a major irritant. Others
have advanced the idea that peace would be more likely to reign if
this irritant were eliminated. Seventy years ago there was no Jewish
state in the region. Maybe that was a good thing.”
In related
news, the US State Department issued a belated apology to passengers
of the MS St. Louis, a German steamer carrying nearly 1,000 Jewish
refugees that were denied entry into the US in 1939. “We realize
that this may seem 'too little, too late,'” admitted Deputy
Secretary of State Bill Burns, who asked critics to try to understand
FDR's predicament. “President Roosevelt was headed for a tough
reelection in 1940. He was going for an unprecedented third term. He
couldn't afford to lose the anti-Semitic vote. And, in the final
analysis, the 1,000, or so Jews that died as a result was minuscule
compared to the six million total.”
Feds
Restrict Sales of Nobama Beer
The
Huebert Brewing Company's novelty brew “Nobama Beer” has been a
roaring success in Oklahoma. Company owner, Rick Huebert would like
to sell nationwide, but has been denied permission to do so by the
federal Alcohol and Tobacco Tax and Trade Bureau (TTB).
Huebert
says his original written application requesting nationwide
distribution rights was altered by TTB official Kent Martin's
penciled-in “this product is only for sale in the state of
Oklahoma.” “The demand is there,” Huebert maintained.
“Inventory is flying off our shelves. I'm hiring people. Isn't this
the kind of growth the economy needs?”
“The
decision to ban nationwide sales was deemed necessary in order to
prevent an unacceptable in-kind benefit to the Romney campaign
against the President,” Martin explained. “The President isn't
going to carry Oklahoma, so it's okay to sell the beer there. But
there's no telling what damage might be done to the President's
campaign if a broader distribution is permitted.”
“You
know, I didn't have to approve it at all,” said Martin. “Letting
Huebert sell it in his home state is, I think, pretty generous,
considering. I mean, he's profiteering off the name of the President.
The President should get a cut of the profits. There will be time to
negotiate the appropriate reallocation of these profits after the
election.”
Racism
to Blame for Muslim Terrorism
Tammy
Duckworth, a Democratic candidate for Congress in Illinois, warns
that racism is to blame for Muslim acts of terror around the world.
“Muslims
wouldn't have to riot, blow up buildings or behead anyone if we'd
follow a few simple steps to allay their fears,” a hijab-wearing
Duckworth contended. “For example, if women would just cover their
hair they wouldn't be seen as whores by Muslim men. The men wouldn't
be enticed and the women wouldn't be raped.”
“It's
also a matter of respect to show sensitivity for others' religious
beliefs,” Duckworth added. “According to the Quran,
Muslims are required to convert unbelievers. They can't be good
Muslims if they don't make that effort. Graciously, Islam has given
non-Muslims an alternative to conversion. They can pay the jizya"a
nominal tax"and be free from having to convert.”
Duckworth
says that refusal to follow the prescribed simple steps increases
friction between Muslim and non-Muslim. “If we can't bend a little
we have only ourselves to blame for the consequences,” she said.
White
House Takes Credit for Resolution of NFL Refs Stand-off
Football
fans have President Obama to thank for the settlement of differences
between the National Football League and the referees' union says
Press Secretary Jay Carney.
“This
thing had been lingering on for months, but within days of the
President expressing his displeasure with the quality of the
replacement refs the disagreements were settled,” Carney boasted.
“This is the epitome of the type of leadership we've come to expect
from the President.”
Carney
contrasted President Obama's decisive role with that of GOP
presidential nominee Mitt Romney. “While millions of football fans
were suffering from substandard officiating what was Romney doing?”
he asked. “There was no sign that he even cared about football. He
didn't condemn any bad calls. He didn't even profess to have watched
any games. Is this the kind of man voters want occupying the White
House?”
Aside
from his pitch to voters to reelect the football-loving President
Obama, Carney expressed the hope that the returning unionized refs
would “remember that the President is a Bears fan and would really
like to see them win the Super Bowl this year.”
Pelosi
Says GOP Campaign Too Negative
House
Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) contends that Republicans are
“poisoning the debate” and “suffocating the issues under a
barrage of facts and statistics.”
“All we
are hearing from them is negativity,” Pelosi complained. “They
say the economy is faltering, too many people are unemployed, taxes
are too high, foreign policy is a shambles"just one unpleasant fact
after another. This doesn't lift up the country. It doesn't boost
morale.”
The
Congresswoman contrasted the GOP's negativity with the Democrats'
message of “hope and change.” “Everyday, the President is out
there trying to take people's minds off their troubles,” she said.
“He is offering them a promise of a better tomorrow. He's not
wallowing in the failures of the past.”
Pelosi
also faulted Romney for “fostering class warfare. He's drawing
distinctions based on whether you are a maker or a taker. President
Obama, on the other hand, loves us all. He doesn't draw lines between
those who give and those who receive because he knows we're all part
of the same human family. And like a family, those who are able must
work to support those who are in need. This is simple social
justice.”
In related
news, Census data reveals that median household income has declined
by more than 8% since Obama took office. Alan Krueger, Chairman of
the President's Council of Economic Advisers dismissed this as
“statistical noise that obscures the very real progress the
Administration has made transforming America.”
City
of Detroit Defies State Voter Law
The city
of Detroit plans to remove a citizenship question from ballot
applications. Under state law anyone requesting a ballot is required
to check a box on a form answering the question of whether he is a
citizen.
Detroit
Elections Director Daniel Baxter says he doesn't see the utility of
the requirement. “It doesn't really verify eligibility,” Baxter
pointed out. “An ineligible person could simply lie and say he is a
citizen.”
Secretary
of State Ruth Johnson acknowledged that the check-box can't verify
eligibility, but argued that it still serves a useful purpose.
“First, it informs the would-be voter that citizenship is a
condition for casting a ballot,” Johnson explained. “It is by no
means clear that everyone the Democratic Party buses to the polls is
aware of that requirement. Second, in the event that a person files a
false ballot application he is liable to prosecution. So, requiring
the check-box may have the effect of deterring some illegal voting.”
Baxter
wasn't persuaded by Johnson's argument and contended that “the
emotional harm done by questioning a voter's eligibility far
outweighs the hypothetical benefits she envisions.”
President's
Pledge to Export More Jobs Hailed by China
The
Chinese Government hailed President Obama's pledge to export more
jobs as “precisely the kind of conciliatory move that will help
improve relations between our two countries.”
China's
Minister of Trade, Diup Yu praised the President's “forward looking
and progressive views” calling them “a breath of fresh air,
especially when contrasted to Romney's hostile attitudes.”
Administration's
Belated Admission that Libyan Attack Was Terrorism “No Biggie”
Though
evidence has emerged showing that the White House knew the murder of
the US Ambassador to Libya, Chris Stevens, was a terrorist attack
within 24 hours of the event, it persisted in advancing a “riot
over an insulting video” meme for more than two weeks. This failure
to be straight with the American people is, according to Press
Secretary Jay Carney “no biggie.”
“The
terrorist thing has been around for a long time, what good would
announcing one more episode of the lengthy story have done?” Carney
wanted to know. “On the other hand, the course the Administration
did take gave the President the opportunity apologize for the
insulting video. This helped build bridges to our Muslim friends. The
President showed himself as sympathetic to Islamic religious
sensitivities in his speech to the UN. We think this will pay big
dividends in the future.”
A second
factor influencing the Administration's stance was the matter of
security. “Look, if the Ambassador's death is the result of
video-inspired mob violence it's not the Administration's fault,”
Carney continued. “We didn't even know about the video, so there
was no opportunity for us to try to interdict it. But embassy and
consulate security"those are the direct responsibility of the State
Department. If these facilities are vulnerable to terrorist attack
who do you think will get the blame? It was the President's desire to
shield Secretary Clinton from this blame as long as he could.”
Carney
suggested that “the Administration's actions were largely
successful. No one was exposed during the vulnerable period. Now that
interest has died down the damage to the Administration has been
minimized.”
In related
news, former Green Party presidential candidate Ralph Nader labeled
Obama a “war criminal” and “worse than Bush.” “His claim to
have the authority to assassinate anyone he declares an enemy of the
state is a fateful stride toward tyranny that I think every person
who cherishes freedom ought to oppose,” Nader said.
Judge
May Block Pennsylvania Voter ID
Commonwealth
Court Judge Robert Simpson says he is leaning toward blocking the use
of voter ID for casting ballots in the upcoming election.
“It's a
difficult issue,” Simpson observed. “On the one hand, we have a
natural desire to ensure that only eligible voters cast ballots. On
the other hand, no law is perfect and there is a chance that a
legitimate voter could be disenfranchised.”
Simpson
said he will likely bar the ID requirement because, “I think it is
better to let a thousand ineligible voters cast a ballot than to deny
one legitimate voter his right to vote.” He says he reached this
conclusion after he remembered that “even ineligible voters are
people. And should real people be denied the right to participate in
the selection of their rulers based on something as flimsy as their
lacking the appropriate paperwork?”
In related
news, in a test of potential identity fraud, federal investigators
working for the Government Accountability Office (GAO) were able to
get fraudulent driver’s licenses in all three states where they
tried. “Apparently, if you've got a moderately plausible
counterfeit ID you can dupe state licensing clerks into issuing you a
driver's license,” the report said. The US Department of Homeland
Security was also chided by investigators for failing to tell states
how to carry out key parts of the 2005 Real ID law. Attorney General
Eric Holder argued that the report “shows the futility of trying to
enforce voter ID laws. What's the sense of having a law that's do
easy to get around?”
NAACP
Seeks UN Investigation of US Election Laws
The
National Association for the Advancement of Colored People (NAACP)
demanded that the United Nations launch an investigation into the
United States “racially discriminatory election laws.” At issue
is the loss of voting rights for convicted felons.
“This is
unfair because minorities are disproportionately affected,”
Lorraine Miller, Chairperson of the NAACP national board’s advocacy
and policy committee complained. “Just because a person is a
criminal doesn't mean he doesn't deserve a voice in government.”
“A
democracy must reflect the views of all the people"honest and
dishonest alike"if it is to be truly representative,” Miller
argued. “Disenfranchising a segment of the population because it
lives by a different code of ethics undermines basic democratic
principles.”
While the
notion that a profoundly undemocratic United Nations ought to
intervene in the election procedures of one of the world's leading
democratic states might seem dubious, Miller asserted that her
efforts had the support of US Attorney General Eric Holder.
In
related news, a study recently completed by Northwestern University
professor Aldon Morris found that “social conditions for poor and
working-class Blacks have actually worsened since Obama took office.
The hypothesis that merely electing a Black president would somehow
automatically redound to the benefit of this racial cohort has been
refuted.”