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The House of Cars Bank Hi-Po Fund

Written by Subject: Humor
In today's uncertain economic climate, you may be worried about current expenses as well as your retirement savings.  The House of Cars Bank is proud to offer the investment program to set your mind at ease:

Low initial buy-in: while we are certain you will quickly see the value of this opportunity, it is understandable that savvy investors like you will want to evaluate the program before you commit all your cash.  In many cases subscribers may be able to participate with no money down.

Immediate gains:  this is an investment that you can use!  From day one you will have the benefit of using the assets even while your account balance grows.  This investment will eliminate some of the largest expenses any household faces.

No fees:  HOCB will never charge a subscription or cancellation fee.  You may buy and re-buy as often as you like with no commissions.  Additionally, you may cancel at any time with no penalties.  The only fees we charge are a standard program management fee of 1.5% of average daily balance and extraordinary administrative expenses.

HOCB is able to offer this incredible opportunity because the assets involved have been largely disregarded in recent years.  We have assembled a team of the world's leading experts in purchasing and maintaining these hidden diamonds: 1992 Honda Accords.

This offering is for limited shares in Traunche B of The House of Cars Bank High-Performance Mutual Fund.

Traditionally, investing in 1992 Honda Accords has only benefited the original owners.  As the fleet of 92 Accords has aged and rolled over an average of 200,000 miles, increasing maintenance and repair costs have slightly eroded their value as an investment.  Many 92 Accord investors have moved on to other investments, perhaps lured by the siren's song of unscrupulous car dealers that play fast and loose with the facts surrounding the continued viability of the 92 Accord.

Individually, a 92 Accord may trade in the $500 – 2,500 range.  However, HOCB experts have identified and purchased select vehicles that we value at $20,000 or more and combined them into the High-Performance fleet.  Our valuations have been independently verified by our auditors at Performance Lube and Tune.

While, as a single, gently-used car, the 92 Accord may encounter increasing maintenance and repair bills, as a fleet, repair and maintenance is virtually non-existent.  Our mechanic has calculated a 95% up time for vehicles in the B Traunche with no maintenance costs passed on to our subscribers, ever.

This is made possible by the homogeneous nature of the assets the HOCB Hi-Po Fund invests in.  If a part breaks on one 92 Accord in the B Traunche, it can be stripped from another vehicle in Traunche C and installed immediately.  As a subscriber, you will have access to all the vehicles in the fleet, almost guaranteeing you a 95% chance of having a vehicle when you need one.

Subscribers realize immediate benefits by virtually eliminating the second-highest expense in any household budget.

Additionally, as the fleet continues to grow and the HOCB Hi-Po Fund gains more subscribers, your account will grow with us.  With every full share purchased, the Fund will purchase an additional 92 Accord and distribute the remainder equally to all existing subscribers.

Turning Cash to Trash
As a bank, the House of Cars Bank will have access to the $700 billion Troubled Asset Relief Program.  As a mutual fund, the HOCB High-Performance Fund will have access to the Federal Reserve's Money Market Fund Liquidity Facility.  As a house of cars, HOCB will have access to Sen. Dianne Feinstein's proposed “Cash for Clunkers” fleet modernization program.

Functionally, this means vehicles in Traunche C will either be outright purchased by the US Federal Government or used as collateral for low-interest, non-recourse loans to the HOCB Hi-Po Fund.  As these non-performing assets are removed from the fleet, the average value of the remaining fleet will increase, thereby allowing us to seek additional sources of capital from traditional investment institutions.

Share Pricing
For this initial offering, shares have been priced at $30,000.  For obvious reasons, we expect this price to increase dramatically following the initial offering.  Fractional shares are available, but access to vehicle keys is limited to subscriber accounts of one share or greater.

The House of Cars Bank has operated since 2004, when the founder's efforts to sell his 92 Accord for $30,000 were thwarted.  The High-Performance Fund was started later that year with the purchase of a parts car.  HOCB and the Hi-Po fund are annual recipients of the Founder's Award for automotive and banking excellence.

All investing involves risk.  Past performance is not indicative of future gains.