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Why Suicide? How an intelligent man could be driven to consider suicide!

Written by Subject: Conspiracies

Note: This started out as a suicide note.  It may still be one but I don’t think so. I think the Patriot community will rise to the occasion and that we will all work together to stop this New World Order takeover. These little boys, Bandit on your left and Packy on the right, have kept that from happening. What started as an explanation of my state of mind and the circumstances that led up to it expanded into a series of articles. For the last four years I have been struggling each and every day to restore the Free American, pay all of the bills that accumulated during my hospitalization. I have been aided by the love of these two little dogs, true Service Animals in every sense of the word.  I believe my story needs to be told. I am submitting this to major publications. I am asking you to submit it to your local paper. Perhaps the mainstream will pay for a look into the essence of the Patriot Movement. You may forward it to all of your friends and lists. I have assembled a new team that includes RTR Radio who helps broadcast my daily shows. Any donations or advertising that you can send my way would be greatly appreciated. It was your donations over the past thirteen years that have made it possible for the Free American to keep growing and to rebound after my near demise.   You can make a donation by going to the paypal link or Free American shop on my website or mail one to the address above.  Maybe I am crazy or paranoid or suffered brain damage from my “Accident” I truly do not know. You be the judge.  But I can tell you that everything I have said here is absolutely true to the best of my ability and recollections. The latest issue of the Free American is up on  I can print it if I can fill 10 pages with advertising. Thank you and God bless you and my country.

Clayton R. Douglas


By Clayton R. Douglas

Clayton Douglas’ commentaries are copyrighted and may be republished, reposted, or emailed providing the person or organization doing so does not charge for subscriptions or advertising and that the column is copied intact and that full credit is given and that Clay's web site address is included ( Editors or Publishers of publications charging for subscriptions or advertising who want to run these columns must contact Clayton R. Douglas for permission and payment. Radio or television Talk Show Hosts interested in scheduling an interview with Clay should contact

I think I can answer that question because this started out as a suicide note. 

Every morning for the last four years I have awoke from a dreamless sleep staring at the pistol that is always beside my bed and considered how easy it would be to place the barrel in my mouth, squeeze the trigger as I was taught and end the waking nightmare that my life has become. Beside the gun there is a tiny, compact cell phone that no longer works because I failed to pay the bill. It has a game of Solitaire that still works. I lay there and play it as if were a tarot deck. If I win, then I take it as a sign from the digital gods that I might make it through another day. Maybe they are trying to tell me that it will not get any worse today. Maybe someone, somewhere outside this narrow, isolated, moveable shelter that houses my bed, will read what I have written, or hear in my broadcasts my carefully crafted cries for help and turn into an angel. God uses us that way. Some days it takes 30 minutes or more to break the losing streak on my old phone.

Some weeks things seem to have worked out. Some weeks life assumes a semblance of normality. The last month I experienced a Christmas miracle and never looked at the gun or the game for a month into the New Year. Then God’s smiling face turned into a leering Lucifer and I was back in the woods, with a broken water system and alone again with the only angels I could really count on, my two faithful black and white dogs  who have gotten me kicked out of more bars than I can count despite their ID cards that proclaim them to be service animals.

            No one could know that I am alive today because of those animals. They are there when I finish the game. Without me, they would not get to go outside and no one would feed them. They need me and they love me without question. I cannot pull the trigger because it would kill them too.  

            Last week I found these stories on my e-mail:

Army Reports Rise in Suicides Will Likely Outnumber Combat Deaths Source: Fox News

WASHINGTON — The Army is investigating a stunning number of suicides in January — a count that could surpass all combat deaths in Iraq and Afghanistan last month.

An unpublished manuscript, Vietnam Veterans, by Tom Williams, University of Denver School of Professional Psychology, April 1979, concluded that "More Vietnam veterans have died since the war by their own hand than were actually killed in Vietnam."

Testimony presented to the Massachusetts Commission on the Concerns of Vietnam veterans in Greenfield, Massachusetts on May 4, 1982, declared that "Vietnam veterans have nationally averaged 28 suicides a day since 1975, amounting to over 70,000.

These were headlines from stories I scanned while preparing for my show and the next issue of my Free American magazine. There are many factors attributed to these startling figures. Agent Orange, Depleted Uranium, Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome etc. But I know that the cause of this rash of suicides is something much more basic, loneliness! It is the feeling of being abandoned, by your friends, your lover, and your country. Of being alone in a foxhole without backup, surrounded by enemies. The feeling that no matter how hard you try, how much you cry, the answers to your dilemma cannot be found.

            When I heard that under the Veterans Disarmament Act, a Vet diagnosed with PTSD could be forced to give up his right to bear arms in America, I commented, “If a Veteran of Vietnam, Iraq or Afghanistan DID NOT has PTSD, then there was something wrong with them!” Such a man would have to have no conscious after killing innocent civilians or young men fighting for the safety and security of their own people while fighting wars based on lies by our own government. We Veterans have had the backs of our government turned to us.

            This is becoming apparent to more than me as illustrated by this headlined story:

WASHINGTON — At least 8,000 members of the all-volunteer U.S. military have deserted since the Iraq war began, Pentagon records show, although the overall desertion rate has plunged since the Sept. 11 attacks in 2001.

            This figure and the problem that created it will, in my opinion, only get worse as troops are withdrawn from Iraq and reassigned to the United States in preparation for civil unrest brought on by the realization that the trillion dollar Bailouts and Stimulus program to counter a recession and coming depression are merely more lies by those in power and in reality nothing more than convoluted dialog to cover for the largest rip off in History. What will happen when Iraiq veterans are forced to confiscate weapons from their own people and met with resistance from Americans unwilling to do so?

            One of the first stories I covered after starting the Free American was that question being put to our troops at 29 Palms, California, “Would you fire on American during gun confiscations?”

            Writers, researchers, honest reporter and talk show hosts like Bill Cooper and me, aided lately by the Internet, have been trying to bring a dose of reality to those with ears to listen and eyes to see. We understand there is a war on but is a war for your mind and the war on terror is a war against all who remain loyal to the Constitution and the Liberty it afforded us. My friend Bill Cooper was one of the first casualties in the real war. Set up and shot outside his home in Eagar Arizona on November 6, 2001 a few weeks after our last meeting.

"...God bless my family. I love my wife & children more than life itself. Everything I do is for the future of all my children. They may not understand why I have sacrificed so much, why I am so dedicated to this work; but someday they will. I want them to know they are the most important People in my life, and how very, very much I love them..." - William Cooper          

. Bill’s death was tragic but nothing we had not expected. A few months before, Bill sent his family outside the US. We were both on Shortwave Radio. We both had magazines. We both had been targeted and demonized by the ADL and SPLC in the booklets they put out. I started the Militia and ADL featured me in their “Armed and Dangerous” I worked on my friend Charles Collins’ campaign for President in 1996 on the Republican ticket with Bob Dole, Pat Buchanan, Alan Keys and Richard Lugar. But you never heard of him, because every time he got up to speak every cameraman took a smoke break and in two primaries they unplugged his microphone so the Republicans could not hear Charles tell them that we could buy back the Federal Reserve!

            Bear in mind the following: neither Neither Cooper nor I had done anything wrong. The militias we helped start are part of our US code and by law includes every able bodied man between the ages of 18 and 45. We both knew that the IRS and income tax were tools of the International Banksters. There is no law that requires Americans to pay a tax on our income.. Every check sent to the IRS comes back stamped, “Pay to the Order of the Federal Reserve."

We knew that 911 was our version of the Reichstag Fire that Hitler used to consolidate power and Bin Laden worked for the CIA when Russia invaded Afghanistan. I made the statement, “I don’t believe that Arabs in a cave in Afghanistan made the U.S. Air force stand down!”

            When the ADL pushed the FBI to put out a booklet that was distributed to every police agency in New Mexico entitled “Guide to Right Wing Extremists listing me and the Free American, I made two phone calls.

            The first was to Governor Gary Johnson who told me not to worry about it. The second the next day was to the Chief of the State Police. He also told me “not to worry about it.”

I became a little agitated. “That is easy for you to say but I think someone is trying to get me killed here!” But his next words had a calming effect.

“Clay, I have been reading your magazine for ten years. You don’t have a thing to worry about from me or any of my men. Besides, the Governor just recalled every one of those booklets in the state.”

Just as it is today and throughout history, there are good cops, good politicians for every bad one out there. Thomas Jefferson was for the people; Alexander Hamilton was the banker’s man. Jesus rallied the people and the Pharisees killed him for it. This is an eternal war we fight. It is always been a part of our existence, a war against good and evil. We may never win it totally but we can never stop fighting. I know many veterans and police feel the same way.

So there is a war and we are warriors. We accept that there is danger and that we could be killed in battle.  Why then do thoughts of suicide enter our heads?

I often told my friends and audience if I ever turned up dead, it would be murder, that I would never take my own life.

That changed for me near the end of 2004. I cannot speak for anyone else. But I am sure that others, while fighting their own personal battles after surviving a war, have had the same emotional reactions, depression, the feelings of betrayal and abandonment.

As long as I had my lady and my family, I could enjoy the battles and weather the misfortunes. The negativity began when there were circumstances beyond my control.

My descent into madness began on May 29th, 2004.

Continued in

“The Decline”

Delusion? Paranoia? Drugs? Accident? Or is Someone Trying to Destroy Me?

This section is the hardest to write. Because of my style of writing and the nature of the Free American, many of my readers and listeners may stop reading here because they “have heard all this before!” But for the millions of people that never picked up a copy or went to my Internet site, who want to understand how a successful, intelligent man could be driven to consider suicide, this is required reading.

2 Comments in Response to

Comment by Joel Turner
Entered on:

I had a long winded reply, but I thought it better to say that I understand all too well and leave it at that.

Comment by doc-S
Entered on:
Doc Sutter here, a Vietnam Veteran and liver cancer survivor. I know of what you speak personally. The lucky ones die on the battlefield.
I now teach the "terminal" how to defeat "terminal" from what I learned while eliminating all that affected me from the war. Here's a quick text of my journey. This article is on my web site.
Dr. K. R. Sutter II

(A short biography of my last 40 years)

Dr. Richard Schulze has been doing a great job teaching Natural Healing for the last 30-40 years. Dr. Hulda Clark about the same. Many other people even younger that I have been doing a great job getting sick people well via Natural Healing for 10-20-30 years now. So why am I so late throwing my hat into the ring?

Even though I was born and raised "Natural Healing" and been actively practicing chiropractic for 33 years now I didn't start going public with this information until after August 2005. Why???

Because the discoveries I made were "new" to Natural Healing. For sure the material had been around forever but I was quite surprised to learn there's no definitions anywhere to be found. No fundamentals. It was difficult to even find a definition for "health" much less the rules Natural Healing uses to get sick people well.

So here's my story, this is how it all transpired and this is why I'm late into the game.

My father was a chiropractor so I was raised drug free and vaccination free. I was truly healthy but didn't know it. I didn't know what it was like to be sick. I had a couple of childhood "diseases" - mumps and Chicken pox - but I wasn't really sick with those. I didn't feel bad when I had them.

I had a great childhood with all those things the 50's and 60's were good at.

I got drafted in September 1969. I was sent to Vietnam Thursday, March 12th 1970. Crossed the International dateline going west and landed in Vietnam Saturday morning the 14th. I completely missed Friday the 13th. Which proved to be an interesting omen.

I returned February 16th 1971. I felt fine, wasn't sick at all and my whole tour in Vietnam seemed to make me healthier. I was in the best shape of my life and it was good, real good.

Got out of the Army in September 71 and returned to Palmer College to finish up my school and get in practice. It was all going according to plan, running very smooth and I was having a rather large volume of fun doing all this.

Then on November 10th 1971 while sitting in Bacteriology class my heart started racing and my vision went gray. I looked at the clock and it was 2:40, there was 20 more minutes left in the class. I put my head as low as I could get it so I didn't pass out and waited till class was over. For the first time in my life I was sick. I felt terrible and it scared me. My heart wouldn't beat right and everything looked gray.

I got a good adjustment, which helped considerably, but I knew something was wrong inside and I was scared to look at it. So I played the denial game with myself for the next 9 years until June 1980.

In June 1980 phase two kicked in and I knew I was in trouble. My heart would stop beating and I felt terrible most of the time. I tried to continue doing the things I was doing in life socially and politically but eventually I had to get out of all that. The only thing I could do was go to work and study.

In the mid 80's I tried to get some life insurance. I flunked the physical. I wanted to know why so I sent for the results of the physical. The blood profile said it loud and clear - liver cancer.

By the mid 80's the Agent Orange fiasco had been exposed so I laid it on that. But how do you get rid of the Agent Orange?

In December 1994 I read Hulda Clarks book "The Cure for all Cancer". In January 1995 I started my comeback. For the first time since November 1971 my health improved. But I had no idea what I was in for the next 10 years. The information was new and nobody really had the specifics down for the serious cases of which I learned as I went through this, I was one of.

Between June 1980 and January 1995 I tried everything known to man to get healthy. I studied 3-5 hours a day, every day, for years. I had a short-wave radio set up at home. Before the computer came along truth was rather difficult to find. You had to rely on "underground" publications and short-wave radio to even get close to it.

But I tried everything. Fasting, with orange juice and then distilled water, juicing, vegetarian, high protein and low protein, colon cleansing. I tried all the so-called natural "cures". This product, that product, KM, Noni juice, picnoginol, and I remember the magic mushrooms. Supposedly three different mushrooms from various place on the planet guaranteed to cure cancer. Nothing worked; I was still sick and getting near the end. (Yes, you can tell when close to dying).

Plus, I investigated all the major religions on the planet, especially Christianity. Then all the psyops information. MK ultra and all the ultra secret CIA stuff. Subliminal programming, brainwashing. Figuring it might be something they did to us mentally. Even "Jacobs Ladder" type stuff. What was in our food anyway??? Meditation, Yoga, deep breathing. I was desperate and didn't want to die. But everything I tried failed.

In January 1994 I tried a liver flush. It made me worse. But I was pretty much at the end of my rope and getting very desperate. So in July I did another liver flush. Made me even worse than the first one. Laid me low for about 6 weeks. Not good.

So in September of 1994 I quit. I gave up on all that I was studying. Turned my back on the religion, the psyops, the nutrition, the chiropractic, and the cleansing protocols. I quit it all. At the same time I said a little prayer. My prayer was simple: "God, show me the truth, I'll take it from there".

Within three months I had the answers to that prayer. I now knew why the world was so screwed up, who was directing the whole show and why I was sent to war. AND, how to get my health back. I learned in three months what I had been searching for over 14 years for. (Yes, there's a whole story behind that too).

In December 1994 I read Hulda Clarks book "The Cure for all Cancer". She made a statement in that book something to the effect that if you had done a liver flush and it made you worse it was a sure sign you were infested with parasites.

Parasites, I had never heard that before. I thought it was the Agent Orange. Well, as it turns out, it was both. Those liver flushes I did on 1994 sure made me worse so I ordered the products to start the antiparasite protocol. I started January 3rd. 1995.

As they say "The rest is history". I made it. But it took the next 10 years to sort through all the various protocols, regimes and products to finally arrive at full youthful health. And that happened at 8 PM August 22, 2005. I was sick a total of 33 years, 9 months, 14 days, 4 hours and 20 minutes. I made it but there were a few problems that had developed just to deal with being sick for that long. That too is another story.

In January 95 I started Clarks anti parasite protocol. It's a 90 day regime and sure enough I passed some liver flukes. I thought that was it. I was wrong. But at least I was no longer going down.

I stayed on Clark's maintenance protocol but didn't notice much improvement. In the summer of 96 I discovered another antiparasite product and started taking that. It worked and my health went up a few more rungs of the ladder. But I was still sick.

So I played around with Clark's products and the other antiparasite product and as long as I had some of those products in me I could tolerate my existence.

But by Sept 97 I was getting pretty bad again. I felt terrible all the time and life simply wasn't worth living if that's the best I could get this body to run. So on Sept 26th I decided I'm not going down without a fight. It's okay if I die, but dammit, I'm going to go out digging and clawing till my last breath.

I tripled and quadrupled all the antiparasite products I was on. I did maintenance dosages of Clarks Black walnut and Wormwood 3-4-5 times a day. I did the "Clear" from Awareness corp. at 3-4 times their maintenance levels, 10-15 of those a day. Plus I did two rounds of Standard Process Zymex II.

I started on Sept 26th 1997 and by January 1998 I had lost 22 pounds of parasites. I thought I was dying and commented that to my sister here at the office. The next week it was over, I started putting on weight. What a trip.

So I learned from first hand experience that the parasite infestation is much worse than had been presumed. And I found out later that the same thing can be said about anyone coming back from "terminal". The parasites are a serious problem.

So January 1998 I thought I had made it, I thought it was over, I felt pretty darn good, good enough to continue living. What a relief.

Six months later I start getting sick again. Now what???

In Vietnam while in the jungle, every morning we'd have to check each other to see if we had any bloodsuckers (parasites) on us. We couldn't feel them because they secreted an anesthetizing agent at the site of attachment. So we had to physically look each other over to see where they were. When we found one we simply touched the back of it with a lit cigarette and they fell right off. If you tried to pull them off they took a nice chunk of skin with them (you learn that the hard way).

The same thing happens inside the body at the site of attachment. The parasite attaches to the colon, small intestine or liver but you don't feel it because of that anesthetizing agent they secrete at the site of attachment. That's a problem because the body has to absorb that anesthetising agent and get it out of the way. So the lymph picks it up and packs it away into various tissues of the body.

Having the main parasite infestation gone now allowed the body to start cleaning itself out. Surpise!!! That anesthetized lymph my body had been soaking up for 27 years was now releasing and when it got to the liver it shut it down. The liver couldn't feel it and couldn't process it out. It literally went numb. Not good.

Well, I knew about the liver flushes so I started doing those once a week. It worked. I felt better immediately. BUT, at first it only lasted a very short length of time, about 10-15 minutes. So I started doing them every 5th day or so. Then every third day. By December I was still at every third day but seriously wondering if I could do them every day.

At the time I read an article by Richard Schulze that said he has his patients that just get out of the hospital flush their liver the first five days in a row. Right out of the hospital, flush the liver five days in a row. Good, good so that's what I started doing. It was Dec 14th 1998.

Welllllll…. Two months later I backed off to every other day and then once a week and finally twice a year. But it was a long slow road and not a fun experience.

I continued stretching the time between the flushes out in 1999 and by the end of the year was pretty darn good. The parasites were gone, the lymphatic debris was gone, my diet was good and my body had rebuilt very quickly. So by 2000 I've got my physical health coming along pretty darn good. I was physically healthy again.

During all this I discovered there were specific regimes being applied by anyone I knew that was successfully getting sick people well. And if you took a real close look at them they really AREN'T treating the disease at all. Dr. Clarks book "The Cure for all Cancer" is mis-titled. It should be titled "Eliminating the Cause of Cancer". If it had been she wouldn't have had the troubles she had.

So I took a look at history, going all the way back to Egyptian times. And sure enough they were doing the same things back then that we teach today. Nothing had really changed in thousands of years. Although the protocols hadn't changed, our knowledge of how a body works and why the protocols work is now available. We now understand completely what works and why it works.

So I put together the "Natural Healing Paradigm" and started teaching it. I started applying to others what had brought my health back. It worked on them too. So I knew I had hit on something big. And of course I've refined it over the years to cut the time factors down.

It took me five years to get healthy because we just didn't know. I had to do a lot of experimenting on myself to get it all figured out. It took me three years to successfully eliminate the parasite infestation. That can be done now in three to six months. So what took me five years to overcome liver cancer can now be done in half that time.

But I wasn't done yet. Once the physical health had returned the war intruded into my life. In 2002 the PTSD hit. Which surprised me. I thought I had handled the war pretty good. Didn't really have any problems with all I had experienced and seen over there so I didn't think there was much to it. I was wrong.

PTSD ruins your life. Panic attacks, paranoia to the extreme. Your world gets very narrow because you don't know when it's going to hit. Looking back on it I think the worst of it was when it hit while I was driving.

The PTSD was bad enough but then the nightmares started. Waking up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, sheets soaking wet yet freezing at the same time. Not good.

In the spring of 2003 I got a call from my brother who said he had Prostate cancer. Of course having recovered from liver cancer I knew he could defeat it and wanted to tell him how to do so. But little brothers don't listen very well to big brothers so I had to convince him why he should listen to me. That I wasn't the same guy he grew up with because of my war experiences.

So while explaining that to him for the first time I had to take a close look at specific times and places that were responsible for the changes. The very reasons why my brother should listen to me.

That put me on a little catharsis trip that last six months. In the Spring of 2003 I started writing "They're Awake". I finished in November. It's only about 60 pages and not very well written but it took six months to write. I confronted the war head on. Looked it square in the face. I wanted to know the exact moments that were causing the PTSD and nightmares. Confrontational therapy. It worked, most of the PTSD was gone and most of the nightmares were gone but not all of it. What was left?

Anger, rage, resentment, the emotional side of the equation. Which also does a good job ruining your life. I now knew the truth about the war and cancer and a lot of other "how the world really works" stuff. That hurts, that's heartbreaking information. Plus, it's just not comprehendible to us "normal" folks. And that hangs you up emotionally. How do you resolve something that's not resolvable???

Well, you have to place the responsibility on the shoulders of the perpetrators of the crimes. NOT on yourself. Sure, genocide is still incomprehendable but at least now you know who's really responsible for it and that's good enough for you to be able to resume your life.

Then you have to really understand when someone commits a crime against you (sends you to a contrived war) they will not allow themselves to be your friend anymore, to be nice to you anymore, they WILL withhold treating you well and helping you. And that's something THEY will do all by themselves. So it's useless for governments or anyone else that's committing crimes against you to help you or even be your friend.

I love my country and did indeed fight for our Constitution. For the freedoms it provides. And when you find out that whole patriotism thing is being used against you to fight in a contrived war that ultimately will allow the perpetrators of the wars to enslave you. Well, that's a problem. That gets to the core of life. The very purposes you live life for.

Of course the anger and resentment and outright rage is difficult to manage and HAS to be dealt with.

The Vietnam memorial has been a blessing for many vets. Something unexpected happens there. I never liked "The Wall". I thought it was an insult to an already insulted generation. Dig a hole in the ground, put a black wall there with all the names of the guys that needlessly died over there. And as it turns out were the lucky ones compared to the war we've fought since returning. (Read, "Taking it Personal").

But something happens at "The Wall". An emotional release. Not remotely explainable to those that haven't experienced war. It all comes out, all the emotion, all the tears and profound penetrating sadness. The tears flow.

So I started on my quest for knowledge and journey back to health way back in June 1980 when Phase two hit.

Fourteen and a half years looking for the answers. Testing all the various protocols.
June 1980 to January 1995.

Five years to get physically healthy. January 1995 to 2000.

Five more years to get the mental aspect of what the war did to me resolved. 2000 to May 2005.

August 22, 2005 I receive the model motorcycle that the Teutals built for the Vietnam Veterans National Organization. The POW*MIA bike. And the "If we don't care, who will?" T-shirt. It was about 6:30 PM.

It hit me. The emotional release that the guys that go to "The Wall" experience. I couldn't talk, I could hardly breathe. The tears rolled and I was helpless to stop them. By 8 PM it was over. The entire war was behind me. All of it. The sickness, the mental PTSD and heightened awareness factors, the rejection, and emotional sadness and everything else connected to that war was all gone.

I had successfully returned to pre-Vietnam status and I felt like it. I literally felt like I was 23 years old again. Which is impossible to explain to someone. It's like all those years happened to someone else, really.

So shortly after that I jumped into going public with all I've learned. I put the book together in a hurry, thus, a few typo's and grammatical errors. But it's still a great book. You'll learn more from that little book than most others. And it's important. It covers the fundamentals of Natural Healing, which have never been laid down before.

About a year and a half later I put together the CD, which is THE statement on the Natural Healing Paradigm. And then I stated doing public lectures, radio and even a little TV.

It's important. The Natural Healing Paradigm CAN replace the Medical paradigm. I've been witness to that for 9 years now.

I'm late – but I'm still here.

Dr. Kenneth R. Sutter II.