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IPFS News Link • Transportation: Air Travel

Pilot to TSA: 'No Groping Me and No Naked Photos'

• Lew Rockwell
My name is Michael Roberts, and I am a pilot for ExpressJet Airlines, Inc., based in Houston (that is, I still am for the time being). This morning as I attempted to pass through the security line for my commute to work I was denied access to the secured area of the terminal building at Memphis International Airport. 

1 Comments in Response to

Comment by Jukit Babalu
Entered on:

Airport security needs to be tightened up in the departing and arrival sections if we are to maintain our prosperous carefree society free from terrorism. At departing immigration checkpoints, just having to remove your hat belt shoes ~ empty your pockets placing the contents on a tray ~ being prevented from carrying on board small perilous steel objects such as back-scratchers, pens, scissors, certain electrical items such as voltage converters, and having full body scans which reveal the naked body, just is`nt satisfactory by a long shot. In addition to all these minor dramas why not go the full monty and examine the interior of the body as well?

Wait, before you whine, do you know how many dope seeds can be concealed inside the body? One can obtain one pound of top grade dried bud from one pot plant, enough to permanently hook one child under the age of 28 over the course of a year or two. So if we search and find only one seed hidden by a passenger, this might prevent ONE CHILD from living a miserable life of drug abuse and self-destruction. Is`nt THAT worth the minor drama of being examined by medical authorities for an hour before boarding? So what`s the big deal of having to arrive 3 hours, instead of 2 hours before departure? Avoid disgruntlement and accept the fact that when all is said an done, we are only trying to prevent people from hurting themselves and others.

The small $199 examination fee would be offset by providing your favorite beverages and pastries aboard free, being entered into a raffle with a chance to win an expense paid first class airline trip to Disneyland, AND being permitted access to VIP lounges for a full 2 months!

The examination includes:

1. Having a dentist check your teeth to be sure there is nothing hidden inbetween the cracks. If you are over 70 years old, toothpaste tubes must be cut open to examine the contents.

2. Having a podiatrist check your toenails.

3. Having a regular GP check your fingernails (podiatrists are not permitted to touch fingernails).

4. Having an eye ear and nose specialist check these.

5. Having a dermatologist examine bodily scars for possible implanted drugs.

6. Having a chemist examine your nutritional supplements.

7. Having an electrical engineer disassemble your electrical appliances for possible hidden chambers.

8. Having a mint master examine your paper mun for possible counterfeit bills.

9. Having a numismatist examine your coins.

10. Having a qualified licensed bonded mechanic examine your car for hidden pockets if its parked in the long-term parking area.

11. Having a forensic lab examine your fingerprints.

12. Having an internalist check to see if your stomach is strong enough to withstand repeated strains against the seat belt during a big storm.

13. Having a registered nurse give a urine and blood test.

14. Having a psychologist question you to see if you have any severe signs of aerophobia. If yes you cannot fly, this protects your fellow passengers who may become annoyed on the flight by you filling up and spilling the contents of your barf bag on them.

15. Having to provide a police report. If you`ve ever been questioned because police believed you committed a "thought crime" during the last 25 years, you`ll be on the "no fly" list.

16. Having to provide vaccination proof for smallpox/cholera/bilharzia/influenza/diphtheria/hepatitis/TB/measles/typhus/polio/encephalitis.

17. Having baggage officials cut open your perfume/pill containers if you are over 83 years old dressed normally sitting in a wheelchair or walking with a cane. We dont subject University students or hippies to this because they`ve been so well-behaved and unprotesting these past years that they deserve a reward for being so pusillanimous, err.... i mean magnamimous.

18. Having to fill out a form which asks "have you ever had the urge to, or have you ever thrown a spitball at a chick school teacher, or pasted chewing gum on her seat? If yes, you`ll have to go to checkpoint Z, stand spread-eagled with your hands high up in the air and face ZELDA, our most eldest crankiest nastiest lardaceous foul-mouthed feminist. She will take an unwashed rag she had retrieved from the trash in a ghetto fish factory, tie it around your neck, and pull your head down so you can kiss her reeking tootsies. Another question is "have you ever had the urge to say "I think our president is as unrighteous as a barbie doll head floating in a recovery pool fronting a nuclear power plant"? If your answer is NO, then you will NOT be permitted aboard, we dont take kindly to leg-pullers here.

19. Having to hear a customs official grimly say to you "we found opium in your luggage, stand over here facing us, place both hands on the table and dont turn your back". We then photograph your facial expressions. The foto is then given to a lie detector specialist for careful examination. This is done for one reason, if your body language says you`re overly nervous about something, we go over your baggage HA HA HA with a fine tooth comb and then HA HA HA exray your clothes for additional fun, err....I mean safety.

20. Having a colon and rectal surgeon examine your rectum with a proctoscope. In rare cases a colonoscopy may be mandatory if a polyp is detected, especially under the brilliant new charitable Obama health plan. It would`nt be fair to the person otherwise.

But dont come unglued, the most serious complication generally is a tear or hole in the lining of the colon called a gastrointestinal perforation which is life-threatening and requires immediate major surgery for repair; however, the rate of perforation is less than 1 in 2000 colonoscopies. Because they occur only rarely, never mind the possible cardiopulmonary complications, splenic rupture, heart attack, stroke, acute renal failure or intracolonic explosion.

Whats that you say? An organic fruit diet for a few days would accomplish the same? Well, in this country we have free choice guaranteed under the law, you can simply choose not to travel. We would prefer that you travelled and exercised your privileges, but if you choose to stay here in the land of the brave, we`ll also salute that too because by nature we`re parasitologists, err.... I mean philanthropists. We need your tax mun, err... I mean your respect more than anything else.

Never mind the affliction

Bopperism is the cure

jukit babalu