Edwin Sumcad

Straight Light

Edwin Sumcad

More About: Humor

Part I: Tea-Bagging Our Way To A Dirty Nuclear Bomb

     For this satire, my apology to the author of this funkiest joke in the tube: RACHEL MADDOW: Tea-Bagging Republicans. 
It produced burlesque comments on “paper revolution”. You hear this whistle because I took a bite of hot tamale out of it, and my mouth is burning!

     It was my TV talk show of the day! The video clip had a good viewing at FP.com. There was a potpourri of icy, salty and spicy  comments totaling 125 in all as of April 15, and was then still counting!  It caught my attention like a horse in the box starving for fresh silage in the prairie and rebellious, wanting to have everybody’s behind in a sling.

      The insuperable reason that drives any writing horse crazy is that bloated with blogs, these croaking frogs in a limo for hire around town should know that where their ass lies, is not their elbow they can flex right on somebody else’s nose. The air is disgusting! For me the desire to punch a hole on the wall of ignorance is ad nauseam yet irresistible!

     For those reactions of fire and brimstone to a tea-bagging party she made so funny, Maddow was my favorite candidate to win a bubble award in Ron Paul’s mouth-fueled revolution for the best drivel ever conjured. There was too much gas in it you could hardly see your way through, as if you were in London driving at midnight through a foggy graveyard inhabited with werewolves howling a revolt against humans under a shrouded full moon!

     It also reminds me of Alfred Hitchcock in his final film “Family Plot” [1976]. Looking back, it occurs to me that as a literary critic in my world of literature, I have been consistent in describing Hitchcock as filmdom’s only master of mystery thrillers who could ever successfully demonstrate with such spontaneous artistry the “eternal symmetry of good and evil”  that climaxes into an aftershock. In literary criticism, I said so in my own way of expressing it, several times in my years of review of Hitchcock’s genius both in print and in cinema’s world of make-belief.  I say it again in describing the brain behind this tea-party gathering where the celebration of liberty and the freedom to abuse free expression is almost symmetrical.

       No offense intended in this parody. Rivalry of intentions, good or bad, of which the debating tea participants may bloody each other’s nose or cripple themselves philosophically or physically, is not the issue of this spooky roast. Have courage and read along a little farther. Don’t throw in the towel. Don’t unleash your Dobermans either out of rage if you happen to disagree. If it offends our revolutionary freedom fighters in this site and others in their crusade for change, especially against the establishment of world order, please accept my sincere apology at the outset. I have never abandoned my post as a guardian of liberty. In that sense, I am with you.

       Euphemism embedded with sense of humor just happens to be my special tool in diplomacy even when I was debating with naughty Russian delegates in the UN for years. Besides what you are viewing in the tube about Maddow’s “lapsus linguae” are all marks of an overblown bubblegum crafted by a skillful tongue to explode in public.  Sometimes smart literates call it “lampoon”, another name for “abuse” but coached in a figure of speech.

      The “tea protest” that the leftist, the rightist, the liberals and the neocons are quarreling about, is not a real revolution … it is just a form of civil disobedience, a “paper revolution” if you may; the reading pubic has an overdose of it in the Web everyday.

      Any tea is not Republican either; perhaps it is just Sean Hanity’s vanity at Fox News when he farts in public purposely for Liberals to suffer a nosebleed.  

      Medically speaking, Hanityism in the media is extremely offensive if not dangerous because it could be an intestinal gas released through a politically infected anal outlet.

       If it is, you have no medical recourse but to wish that like President Obama you could have been honest and truthful to admit that you were born in Kenya rather than in America for starting a pandemic protest – some kind of a farting revolution -- fatal to democracy.  The FBI is warning of the bloody outcome when the time comes for Americans to take back America from Obama & Co. Talks of concentration camps and Martial Law are in the air.

      It has a bad economic consequence. The cost of insurance is cheap but on the rise everyday. Last week my phone rang everyday asking for $20 a month for a 500k life insurance coverage. We are probably on the same boat … you become a nervous wreck when at the other end of the line there is someone wagering on your demise. As if becoming a victim of persistent telemarketing is not enough!

      This week, the cost of premium increased to $50, as if I was penalized for not grabbing the first offer; yesterday $75, but today they are offering a $100 monthly payment for a super $5.0 million insurance if you are dead within 24 hours, no questions ask.

       It is so scary to be true, so I negotiated.  I will pay you $100 if you stop calling me, I pleaded. If you agree, call me at this number.

      The number I gave was that of a friend in the police department who specializes on identity theft.

      I hope the frequency of these creepy phone calls which actually is a “treat or trick” tactic used by Lady Cadaver and Frankenstein when they knock at the door for a bucketful of candies [Halloween comes early to me in April] will eventually slow down. 

      However, on second thought, a nuclear dirty bomb could explode any day.  If casualties are correctly calculated that half of the population of Los Angeles or New York or the entire residents of downtown San Diego, California would be wiped out at the first blast, I could be one of the statistics six feet below the ground, but my beneficiaries may survive.  Life for our love ones must go on. It just then occurred to me that after all, those phone calls did make sense.

     But smart people who make business out of blood, broken bones or missing limbs not to speak of a $20-blackmail for your life, are too perceptively ghoulish. They have probably figured out how to make more money under Obama’s regime.  For example, murderous terrorists are out of Guantanamo, thanks to President Obama.  Under Obama’s watch, their civil liberties are now protected … the liberty to kill more Americans, and the freedom to blow up more buildings to smithereens!

      And to think that America’s biggest insurance company [and the world’s largest] AIG and subsidiaries received the most meaty part of the still growing trillion-dollar bailout [now it is called a stimulus package], it’s double murder!  It’s no longer a tea-party for sympathy but a tea for tyranny!  

      Anyway, I hate tea, not because of what it is [I sip a cup anytime to wash down a mucky table conversation with it], but because of what tea represents if people drink a cup too many. I was sick of those commentary fallouts of tea raining on Maddow as a perverted liberal enemy, making her look like a radiation freak that just survived Hiroshima’s deadly clouds after the big bang!

       Tea is not Maddow’s sexual orientation for “rebels” to make mincemeat out of her. What if she weds a nun.  No one can scandalize gay rights and gets away with it.  It cost tall blonde Carrie Prejean of San Diego her crown in this year’s Miss USA Pageant for tinkering with gay rights. Just leave this hot tamale alone.

       Besides, we could not impeach Bill Clinton out of that libido running wild, could we, even though many are still titillated just remembering Monica Lewinsky and that blue dress.

     Tea is not also Obama’s propensity to make those in welfare scream with socialist organism while politically in bed with them since the last political campaign winning him the presidency to “change” America knocked out Republican’s vaunted Maverick.   Alaska’s Palin also suffered a flat tire and didn’t make the race across America in eighty days.

     But I am really somewhat bothered to think that my objection to this tea-mongering maybe interpreted as subliminal and tectonic, even though on the line, it is clearly platonic. The bottom line is, it is pornographic to picture a president who kept the public away from his birth certificate for fear it might create a sexual mayhem the Maddow kibitzers wanted to toss around for laughs.

      Where a visiting Kenyan scholar [Obama’s father when he was young] and a white farm girl from Kansas [Obama’s innocent mother] had their sizzling romance to give birth to a baby boy who would become president of the United States is strictly private, don’t you political dogs get it?  Such public disclosure is pornography that could ignite a moral revolution worse than the political promiscuity of the once infamous – okay famous [now don’t fret] -- Boston Tea-Party that scandalized the Crown of England. 

      Again, there is no offense intended … just offense clearly abbreviated to show it was neither fully extended nor absolutely intended.

      If you still do not know who Rachel Maddow is because you hate turning on your TV to MSNBC and be washed ashore by a tsunami of lies, she is a regular fast talker, actually a noxious babbler like public info conjurer Keith Olbermann in “Countdown” who once wrote down a notorious editorial saying that there is no single terrorist that ever set foot in American soil except the President of the United States!

      It was just a sincere truthful lie ever published: There was no bashing of George W. Bush who happened to be the president of the United States when Olbermann was on his  heat, I mean hate not heat, I mean hit, not heat or hate. Here pardon me if I changed my mind because until now still I am not sure if Olbermann is a Bush “hitman” or a paid political assassin in MSNBC. But whatever, this is how the public gets a picture of him and Maddow every time both open their mouth and spit poison on the Republicans, specifically on Bush’s face that in eight years had pitifully aged in pain.

      George W. Bush happens to be a favorite political doormat. They use him to wipe the mud off their feet, even though the poor guy had too much of dirty politics and now deserves a peaceful rest of a lifetime in his farm in Texas with his wife and family.

      Of course in principle, no genuine Americans want to applaud blabbermouths from hell, especially when such twin two-legged scandals of the leftist media are so stupidly naïve in telling lies to a not that stupid American public. But chitchats in the wind had it that captured terrorists at Guantanamo had requested bottles and glasses of champagne from their guards to celebrate Obama’s historic presidency as well as Olbermann’s loyalty to the cause of Islamic revolution in the United States.

     In the Media, the swing of the ax on Maddow and the smell of perfume in a wake amidst the odor of sulfur from a smoking gun spread on “revolutionaries” idolized by patrons and supporters on the Web.

     Judging from the 125 comments I read [almost hospitalized for exhaustion], extremely loyal supporters of Ron Paul’s what they call “paper revolution” are fierce when Paul, their “libertarian god”, is badly criticized. They don’t need a firing squad to execute those critics … they just drop the guillotine right on the neck. After all scribbling muddy graffiti on the wall out of Paul’s name is an act of vandalism.  In so far as Paul’s militant followers are concerned, Maddow who threw a swing on Paul didn’t even know she was “dead” even before she opened her mouth to make fun of the Congressman.

    A libertarian executioner warned everyone in MSNBC who messes up with their idol: “Ron Paul could kick your ass sideways any day in an intellectual argument so you are lucky [sic] you can hide behind your desk at MSNBC …” It’s addictive loyalty that tastes like pollo loko.

   I got it from a Mexican restaurant called “Pollo Loko” [crazy chicken]. The taste of charcoal-grilled chicken seduces you. It teases your palate you ask for more.  In short, you go loko. I am not saying that Paul’s fanatical followers, who would give an arm for loyalty, are headless chicken on the grill, although I am tempted to. I don’t want my ass kicked sideways.

    The same uncompromising followers probably had asked the Congressman from Texas to sponsor a bill in Congress to amend the law of supply and demand.  This law is making the cost of tea prohibitive. They started this tea protest on the premise that today’s inflation was caused by the law of supply and demand.

     Politically besotted hangers-on of this genre – mostly foot soldiers of loyalty to this snowballing radical crusade for change -- blamed former President Bush for signing into law, the law of supply and demand! This economics of the boondocks is badlands’ doctrinaire impulse powerful enough to elect a president like Obama. America votes for humor. It’s a horse laugh more intriguing than the cry of hyenas in politics.

     Distinguish this from what is called “intellectual” loyalty to a cause. If you have a talk show like what Hanity, O’Reilly of Fox News, Matthews, Olbermann and Maddow of MSNBC have, just press the panic button at prime time and the bandwagon of ignorance rolls over the land like a juggernaut chasing away the glow of enlightenment, and crushing any resistance of reason that stands along the way. I describe them as political salespeople of a cause that market London Bridge to the gullible public on a daily basis for nickels and dimes.

     This kind of “intellectual” commitment to change [Obama’s socialist agenda has it, Libertarians for freedom too have their rebellion for change], this allegiance and steadfastness to a revolutionary cause if you may [ideological, political or cultural alignment or obsession to political correctness], no longer makes Literature’s Don Quixote who fights social injustice a laughing matter.  It is a xenophobic trance of committed “revolutionaries” on the fringe who in their mind had signed a blood compact of obeisance to what they believed as a “noble” cause worth dying for, swearing to God that believing in liberty is more than just believing in God because the liberation of the soul from oppression is most important to and much larger than life itself. This cause that I am talking about has a bunker in this site – kudos to Mr. Ernest Hancock, the owner.

      We want America without an intrusive government or too much of it. Freedom is fun.

       In a world where we dream to get rid of any scandalous order inimical to our concept of liberty starting from the obscenity of a World Order down to the tyranny of the Federal Reserve, we are having some fun.

      Let’s support this tea-party protest nationwide even though the British and their descendants in America loyal to England hated it since Adam and Eve. The idea is to regain our long lost liberty even if it means freedom to abuse or to serve a sentence in jail, or to ignite a bloody civil war for unity like what Lincoln did, with the freedom to bury our dead. #

[Read Part 2 for more surprises.]

© Copyright Edwin A. Sumcad. Freedomsphoenix.com access April 21, 2009.

The writer is an award-winning journalist. Know more about the author by reading his published editorials and feature articles or you may e-mail your comment direct to ed.superx722@yahoo.com.sg

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