John Semmens

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

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SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News March 25, 2012 Edition

Pelosi Predicts Court Will Find Obamacare Constitutional

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) confidently predicted that the US Supreme Court will rule that the President's health care law is Constitutional.

The proof is right there in the Constitution itself where it promises that the government will provide for the people's rights to life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness,” Pelosi said. “By making sure everyone buys health insurance the law is protecting their lives. By requiring that employers cover birth control costs the law is liberating people from the risks of unwanted pregnancies. And as for pursuit of happiness—isn't that what those who need birth control are doing?”

To further bolster her case, the former House Speaker contended that “the nation's founding fathers would've written explicit health care legislation into the Constitution if insurance had been invented before they wrote it. Thomas Jefferson, the document's primary author, could've benefited by avoiding the embarrassment of fathering all those children with his slave if he had had access to the kind of birth control drugs and devices now covered by the mandate issued by Secretary Sebelius.”

On top of her historical argument, Pelosi suggested that “the potential political fall-out from making martyrs of women like Sandra Fluke should give the Justices pause. Do they really want to be the ones who say 'no the government won't make your employer pay for your birth control?' The men on the Court would be crucified by the media as misogynistic troglodytes if they did. So, I'm not too worried about how they'll decide this issue.”

In related news, Representative Jan Schakowsky (D-Ill) reassured critics that the Obamacare edict requiring colleges to provide free sterilization to students “does not mean that we are promoting sterilization. While there are many cogent reasons for doing so—to reduce the human imprint on the environment, for one—there is no intent to make this mandatory at this time.”

President's Tax Plan Targets Rich

Labeling Wisconsin Republican Representative Paul Ryan's budget proposal “a disaster for the middle class,” President Obama offered a plan that “will make the rich pay their fair share.”

It's time for those who have a job, a car, a roof over their heads, and food on the table to step up and bear a bigger share of the costs of providing for those who don't,” the President told a crowd of supporters at a campaign speech in Washington. “Those who have more than they need to live have an obligation to care for their fellow human beings. My plan helps the more fortunate to comply with this responsibility.”

The President's plan was hailed by DC resident Jawana Johnson. “Those rich people don't know what it's like in the real world,” she contended. “I got four kids. One's dad got shot last year. Another's is in jail. The father of my youngest two only comes around to sponge off my welfare check. What've those rich people done to help me? I'm glad we have a President who's taking it to them. Maybe I'll finally get what's mine.”

Under the President's plan, an estimated 16% of households would end up with lower tax bills. The richest 84% would see higher levies. The 16% of households qualifying for lower taxes roughly matches the 15% of households currently living in poverty.

VP Lauds Obama's Audacious Killing of bin-Laden

Vice-President Joe Biden praised the killing of Osama bin-Laden, calling it “the most audacious plan of the past 500 years.”

Asked about other possible contenders for “most audacious plan”--the D-Day invasion of Normandy during WWII or Washington's Christmas Day attack on Hessian troops in 1776—Biden replied “no contest.”

The raid that killed bin-Laden was carried out without any casualties for our side,” Biden pointed out. “The same can't be said for any other action taken by any other president. Let's not forget that Allied Forces had 10,000 casualties on D-Day and 2500 men were killed. That's a bit of a blemish on that accomplishment.”

Bin-Laden was hiding,” Biden said. “No one knew for sure where he was. Normandy was an obvious target. Everyone knew the Nazis were there. And don't get me started about the Hessians. They were drunk from throwing a loud Christmas party. Finding them and whipping them was a cinch.”

Taking out bin-Laden was televised to the White House,” Biden recalled. “President Obama was virtually there with the Seals as the mission unfolded. Roosevelt played a more remote part in the D-Day event. And Washington wasn't even president when he led the Christmas raid.”

Finally, the level of risk was incomparable,” Biden asserted. “Even if D-Day had turned into a disaster it wouldn't have been Roosevelt's first. Anyone remember Pearl Harbor? And Washington had a pretty mediocre war record prior to that raid. In short, neither one of them was putting a perfect record on the line. No, the reward for guts clearly has to go to President Obama. I think voters will see that and reelect him in November.”

Executive Order Authorizing Martial Law Called “Routine”

Last weekend's issuance of an Executive Order giving the President the option of declaring an emergency and taking control over all food, energy, water, transportation and any other materials was described as “routine” by Presidential Press Secretary Jay Carney.

The President has obligations to the American people,” Carney observed. “He would like the cooperation of Congress in his efforts to fulfill these obligations. But as we have seen, there are many in Congress who have labored to obstruct these efforts. The President needs to have latitude to act.”

It would be best for members of Congress to consider this Executive Order as a kind of 'heads up,'” Carney added. “There are reforms that the President has said on numerous occasions can't wait. I assure you, he's serious. Congress can participate as partners in shaping these reforms or they can be bypassed. It's their choice.”

Obama Deflects Solyndra Fiasco Blame

President Obama went on the offensive against criticism of his “green” energy approach.

There are some who would have the American people believe that the failure of the Solyndra Corporation is somehow my fault,” Obama said. “At best, it is a shared responsibility. True, the idea that we should promote clean energy was mine. Blame me for wanting to save the planet.”

But it was Congress that appropriated the money,” Obama continued. “Without this appropriation my Department of Energy would not have had and money to hand out to firms like Solyndra. Blame Congress for enabling my Administration to climb out on a limb that got sawed off by a bad economy—an economy, I might remind everyone, that we inherited from George Bush.”

At the same time they appropriated funding for the production of green energy products Congress neglected to mandate their purchase,” the President pointed out. “This oversight is all the more puzzling considering that they did not overlook mandating the purchase of health insurance when they passed the Affordable Care Act. Blame Congress for leaving a job half done.”

Of course, consumers have done less than they could have to make green energy work,” Obama concluded. “Even though Congress hasn't yet mandated the purchase of green products, consumers can still voluntarily buy them. Unfortunately, too many of them are selfishly concerned with a product's cost or performance to make the kind of sacrifices we need to make for the sake of the environment. So, blame human greed, I guess.”

The Solyndra firm received over $500 million in government loans to subsidize its production of solar panels. Solyndra has since filed for bankruptcy and there is little prospect that any of this money will be paid back. Luckily, bonuses were able to be paid out to Solyndra's management before the funds ran out.

Egypt Declares Israel “Number One Enemy”

The success of Egypt's “Arab Spring” rolled on to yet another triumph as that country's parliament renounced the possibility that it could ever be an ally of Israel. Instead, Israel was declared Egypt's “number one enemy.” Following this development, President Obama announced the restoration of US military aid to Egypt.

Israel is a very powerful country in that region,” Obama explained. “If Egypt is to have any chance against them it is imperative that we extend as much military assistance as we can.”

The President acknowledged that his decision “probably won't go over well with some of Israel's more strident advocates in Congress,” but urged “cooler heads” to “weigh the global math that argues for improved relations with Israel's enemies.” “There are maybe 15 million Jews in the world,” Obama estimated. “There are one-and-a-half billion Muslims. Muslims out number Jews by 100 to one. Which side of this see-saw should we be on?”

Concern for public safety was another factor cited by the President. “The aid placates hostility among a very volatile segment,” he warned. “On the other hand, there is no need for us to fear potential Jewish suicide bombers. On balance, I think the majority of Americans are well served by this decision.”


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