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SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

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SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News, January 20, 2013 Edition

Attorney General Says Requiring DOJ to Comply with Law “Too Risky”

Attorney General Eric Holder is asking a federal court to absolve the Department of Justice (DOJ) from complying with the Freedom of Information Act (FOIA) because “not to do so would inflict irreparable harm.” The DOJ action came in response to a suit filed by Judicial Watch. The suit is aimed at obtaining public information on DOJ's “fast and furious” scheme to supply guns to Mexican gangsters.

There is no need for the people at Judicial Watch or, for that matter, anyone to know the details of this now defunct federal undertaking,” Holder insisted. “My Department has taken the necessary corrective actions. This belated attempt to poke around into government business is both unnecessary and destructive.”

While acknowledging that the FOIA mandates the requested information be released, the Attorney General asserted that “a higher law argues against blind obedience to a statute originally aimed at the misdeeds of a prior Administration. All we are asking is that the nation's broader interests take precedence over a mere observance of formalistic rules.”

Holder further suggested that “something along the lines of the 75-year sealing of the records on the JFK assassination imposed by the Warren Commission might be the appropriate model for how we should handle this. The American people's faith in their government must not be allowed to be undermined by what, at this point, can only be viewed as an effort to satisfy 'academic curiosity.'”

Judicial Watch President Tom Fitton described Holder's stance as “beyond ironic. At the same time that the Obama Administration is demanding unprecedented access to all sorts of information about private citizens who are not charged with any crimes, we see the Attorney General contending that information relevant to actual crimes committed during its ill-conceived gun-running 'sting' operation be swept under the rug. His position is stunning in its ethical, moral, and legal incoherence.”

Economist Says Worry about Trillion Dollar Deficits Misplaced

Nobel Prize winning left-wing economist Paul Krugman maintains that concern about bloated government spending and multi-trillion dollar debt is unwarranted.

The right-wing enemies of President Obama are playing on the average person's fears of bankruptcy in order to limit his power,” Krugman said. “While it may be true that an individual who owes more than he can pay could face financial ruin, the same is not true for the Government.”

A key difference is that most individuals' income is restricted to what they can earn by offering services in the marketplace,” Krugman continued. “Government, though, doesn't have to earn its money by offering services. If needed it can tax every dollar everyone else earns. Even more significant, though, the Government can create as much money as it has to to pay its bills. Over the last decade or so, the Government has created $10 trillion in new money. This has allowed Government to fund expanded spending at no cost to itself.”

Though he conceded that creating new money depreciates the value of each existing dollar, Krugman argued that “the main victims of this phenomenon are those who are hoarding cash. If anyone deserves to suffer it is those who selfishly save money that they could've spent to help stimulate the economy. The trillion dollar deficits of the current Administration have enabled the Federal Reserve to incrementally siphon off what would otherwise be sitting sterile in these fools' 'rainy day' funds.”

West Point “Think Tank” Warns against “Far Right” Threat

A report issued by the Combating Terrorism Center at the U.S. Military Academy at West Point, N.Y. Warned against the dangers posed by the “far right” in America.

There are elements in America that are excessively concerned with possible corruption or tyranny stemming from government,” wrote Arie Perliger, author of the report. “These elements place individual freedom and self-government ahead of respect for those duly authorized to govern them. They cannot be counted upon to obey directives designed for the public good and may evolve into a serious internal opposition to the government.”

The report contrasted “the obstructionist nature of these zealots for liberty with the more socially supportive views of those on the liberal side of the political spectrum. Rather than cling to out-dated ideas focused on individual rights, they back the progressive values the President is attempting to instill in all Americans.”

Perliger admitted that the thrust of the report “might be difficult to sell to many West Point students. A lot of the cadets are here out of some nostalgic notion that they are going to defend traditional values. Overcoming these misguided notions is a big job, but other countries, like China, have accomplished it. Armies can be trained to serve progressive causes. The Commander-in-Chief is counting on people like me to get it done here.”

Egyptian President Defends Anti-Semitic Views

Egyptian President Mohamed Morsi says those criticizing his rants against Jews “are taking my remarks out of context.”

It is easy for those living in comfort to overlook the incessant insult the Jewish prosperity in Israel inflicts upon its neighbors,” Morsi complained. “Faced with the same inhospitable environment as we are in Egypt, the Israelis mock our grinding poverty by living well. They have no oil wells, no gold mines to make them rich. That they are makes us look like fools.”

Morsi attributed Jewish prosperity to “satanic powers. What else could it be? The Prophet (peace be upon him) clearly depicted them as the descendants of apes and pigs. Only a deal with Satan himself can explain how they can rise above the same conditions that stymie righteous Muslims.”

The proper context is that Muslims all over the world are being taken advantage of by Jews who are in league with the devil,” Morsi claimed. “Yet this fact is being suppressed by the same Zionist-controlled media that mindlessly condemn me as being unjustifiably anti-Semitic.”

The US State Department issued a brief statement urging that “we not apply western value systems in situations in which they may not be appropriate. If we have not walked in a man's shoes can we fairly judge the path he has chosen? Things that may seem wrong from our protected perspective may appear right from another.”

Congressman Says There's No Public Safety Case for Big Magazines

Representative Jerrold Nadler (D-NY) made a strenuous argument for limiting the number of bullets a given gun ought to be able to fire before needing to be reloaded.

I find the argument that a person might need more than two or three shots to defend himself from an assailant unconvincing,” Nadler said. “I mean, if you're that bad of a shot giving you more bullets seems like it would be a greater threat to public safety than if the attacker murders you.”

Nadler maintained that “a dispassionate look at the numbers is what I'm arguing for. A victim wildly spraying multiple rounds from a high-capacity magazine runs the risk of harming multiple innocent bystanders. Put this next to the prospect of a single victim being harmed by his assailant and I think most would agree with me.”

The Congressman pointed out that “there's nothing in the magazine size restrictions I am proposing that would prohibit a person from hiring a person trained in the use of firearms to provide armed protection. It would be safer because trained professionals don't need multiple rounds to take down an attacker.”

Fortunately, for the vast majority of Americans, trained professionals working as city police are just minutes away in case of emergency,” Nadler added. “I see no reason to accommodate the paranoid minority who aren't satisfied with the collective security were are already providing.”

In related news, Senator Al Franken (D-Minn) sought to counter the NRA's suggestion that we protect our school children from homicidal maniacs by posting armed guards. “That would just add more guns to an already volatile situation,” Franken asserted. “What I propose is that anyone attempting to enter a school with a weapon be required to submit to a battery of mental health tests before being allowed in. That way we could identify those who are dangerous and get them treatment instead of just shooting them like the NRA wants us to do.”

President Promotes “National Day of Service”

President Barack Obama is asking every American to help celebrate his second inauguration by “making an effort to serve America and your community by donating your time to the public good.”

Too many Americans are wrapped up in selfish pursuits most of the time,” the President said. “They place 'making a buck,' spending time with friends and family, and enjoying life ahead of serving others. What I am asking is that on the day of my inauguration everyone divert themselves from these egocentric activities and do something useful for their fellow human beings.”

Obama suggested that “participating in a food drive, picking up litter, or visiting a seniors' home might be good ways to pay society back for the privilege of living in our great country. If we start by dedicating one day this year we can work our way toward dedicating everyday to the general welfare of humanity. This would the proudest legacy I could bestow upon the world.”