John Semmens

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

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SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News, May 26, 2013 Edition

Pelosi Absolves President in Spate of Scandals

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) sought to absolve President Obama from any blame in the burgeoning plume of scandals surrounding his Administration by forcefully asserting that “he doesn't necessarily know anything about any agency of the federal government.”

The Congresswoman brushed off reports that IRS Commissioner Doug Shulman visited the Obama White House 118 times over a two year period during which conservative groups were targeted as indicative of anything. “The White House is a big place,” Pelosi said. “Just because Mr. Shulman and President Obama were in the building doesn't necessarily mean that they met. And even if they had, it doesn't prove that they discussed tax matters. I understand Shulman says he was there for the Easter Egg roll.”

Pelosi also dismissed the idea that a chief executive has to take responsibility for the actions of his appointed minions, calling former President Truman's famous “the buck stops here” “worthless political grandstanding. A successful chief executive always has a pre-planned escape route. It is the underling's responsibility to step forward and take the blame. It's like sacrificing a pawn to save the king in a game of chess. In fact, the sacrificed pawns should be grateful that they have the opportunity to play a role in advancing the President's agenda.”

In related news, Representative Elijah Cummings (D-Md) worries that the exposure of IRS abuses may have a chilling effect on IRS bureaucrats. “People loyally trying to carry out the wishes of the President should not have to fear repercussions for doing as they are told,” Cummings asserted. “As long as they are just following orders or genuinely taking actions they believe the President would want them to take they ought to be immune from penalties or further scrutiny.”

Gitmo Inmates to Be Transferred

Seeking to dampen criticism of his handling of the War on Terror and the Internal Revenue Service's selective intrusion into the views of his political opponents, President Obama announced that the detention center at Guantanamo would be closed and it's inmates “redistributed as seems most appropriate.”

While it is expected that a majority of the detainees will be repatriated to the Middle Eastern Hell-holes from whence they came, those with exemplary skills are likely to be transferred to positions within the IRS.

The fact that people are openly criticizing the IRS is the best evidence we have that it has failed in its mission,” Obama said. “Obviously, the fear of being harassed and audited is insufficient to induce the level of compliance needed. If properly armed and aimed the most fanatical of the Gitmo detainees could ramp up the pressure to levels that only the tiniest few could resist.”

The President sought to reassure that “those in full compliance with IRS directives need have no concerns for their own safety. The Gitmo detainees will be working under the close supervision of higher authorities under my control. Only those who have deviated from the required path will be targeted.”

In related news, Larry Conners, an anchorman for KMOV in St. Louis, was fired for publicly questioning whether the IRS targeted him after he asked President Obama some tough questions in an interview last year. KMOV president and general manager Mark Pimentel called the firing “a simple precautionary move. There's no sense in us exposing everyone at KMOV to possible IRS retaliation. Better safe than sorry.”

Weiner Challenges Rivals to Be More Forthcoming

Former Congressman Anthony Weiner challenged his competitors for New York City Mayor “to put their packages out there for Voters to see. As everyone knows, I've gone far beyond the bounds of what a typical candidate is willing to do to inform voters about my qualifications.”

Weiner who resigned from Congress after getting caught sending lewd photos of himself to women asserted that he has “learned from that mistake. I resigned before considering the full nuances of the reaction. This time there'll be no holding back. Rather than limit my sexting to a narrowly constrained few I will bare all for all the voters. The people of New York deserve to know what kind of man they're getting for their mayor. With me there'll be no secrets. Are any of my opponents willing to be as open?”

The candidate hinted that more lewd photos may come out, but did not expressly commit to a schedule for when or where they might appear saying that “my opponents can avoid humiliation by dropping out of the race.”

Kerry Says Israeli Prosperity “an Impediment to Peace”

US Secretary of State John Kerry complains that Israeli economic prosperity stands as “an impediment to achieving peace in the region.”

On the one hand, it is a constant 'in-your-face' reminder to the Palestinians and their supporters that Jews are better off than they are,” Kerry explained. “It's an insult that inspires a sense of grievance amongst the poorer Muslim and Arab communities.”

On the other hand, it serves as a persistent temptation,” Kerry added. “The idea of killing the Jews and taking their money and property becomes an irresistible urge. Killing and robbing a Jew seems less onerous than trying to build a business, learn a trade, or work hard to make a living.”

Kerry advised the Israeli Government “to implement policies to even out the disparities. A broad redistribution of wealth would serve the dual purpose of immediately assuaging Palestian feelings of inadequacy, while simultaneously acting to moderate the recompense to historically powerful inclinations of Jewish avarice.”

Israeli President Shimon Peres rejected Kerry's advice calling it “the kind of time-worn, run-of-the-mill anti-Semitism Jews have been battling against for more than two thousand years.”

Ohio Secretary of State Insists Vote Fraud “Not Epidemic”

Ohio Secretary of State Jon Husted tried to reassure voters that the 135 possible voter fraud cases his office is pursuing do not constitute “an epidemic.”

We feel confident that the majority of elections are probably decided in an honest fashion,” Husted said. “To believe otherwise would lead to truly frightening conclusions. We'd rather not go there. I mean, if people lose faith in elections how will we choose who will govern? Living with a little corruption is surely better than undermining the whole premise of democracy, isn't it?”

Criticizing Obama “Offensive” Says Aide

Daniel Pfeiffer, Senior Advisor to the President for Strategy and Communications, denounced criticism of President Obama in strident terms this past week, calling critics “uppity.”

Here we have the leader of the free world, a Nobel Prize winner, being accosted by people unfit to lick his boots,” Pfeiffer complained. “How low has our civilization sunk that such effrontery is tolerated?”

Pfeiffer labeled inquiries about Benghazi, the IRS and phone taps of reporters “fishing expeditions. They think they're going to find some 'smoking gun' linking the President to one or more of these incidents in some substantive way. Well, I'm telling you it's not going to happen. The President has insulated himself from culpability for whatever may occur. There are strict rules about who may tell the President what that ensure he will honestly be able to disavow all knowledge of what is going on.”

On top of this he has an enormously wide array of options for eliminating disloyal and uncooperative elements both inside and outside his Administration,” Pfeiffer pointed out. “Those chafing over getting hassled by the IRS ought to consider themselves lucky that sterner measures weren't used against them.”

It all comes down to whether people are going to show proper respect for the President,” Pfeiffer concluded. “We cannot sit by and allow the office and the great man who occupies it to undergo the type of heedless questioning of its authority that we have seen over the last few weeks. Rest assured that the President will do whatever it takes to assert and wield that authority. The alternative is too scary to contemplate.”

McCain Hammers GOP for Impeding Dems' Agenda

Maverick Senator John McCain (R-Az) lashed out at his Republican colleagues in Congress for actions he says “go too far.” The tiff arose over Democrat maneuvers to raise the debt ceiling.

It's alright to express an opinion and have a debate, but in the end we've still got to let the Democrats govern,” McCain insisted. “Repeated efforts to stymie legislation we don't like is downright uncollegial.”

The Arizona Senator discounted arguments that Democrats make no effort to be collegial from their side saying that “two wrongs don't make a right. Didn't your parents teach you that? Didn't Jesus bid us to turn the other cheek? That's all I'm suggesting here.”

It's not as if the substance of this issue is crucial,” McCain argued. “What difference does it really make whether we raise the debt ceiling? The Government is never going to be able to pay that money back anyway. Why get our panties in a wad over it? It's just a lot of useless motion without result.”

 

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