John Semmens

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

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SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News, September 8, 2013 Edition

Dems Say President Has Widespread Foreign Backing for Syria Strike

Representative Debbie Wasserman-Schultz ,(D-Fla), chairman of the Democratic National Committee, told CNN host Wolf Blitzer that there are “dozens of countries” that will stand with Obama and his proposed “shot across the bow” warning to the Assad Regime.

Pressed to name a few of these hidden allies, Wasserman-Schultz attempted to beg off saying “I'm not that good at geography, but I think the list includes Framistan, Lygeria, and France. I hope I don't have to remind everyone of the pivotal role France played as America's first ally during our war for independence back in the 1770s.”

While France is a real country, the amount of assistance it will be able to render is questionable. At present, they have no sea-launched missile capability and won't for at least a year. The Congresswoman did point out, though, that “France's President Francois Hollande has graciously offered us full access to his country's advanced capability in gourmet cuisine. The tasty sauces and delicious pastries they can supply would help boost the morale of US Forces that will bear the brunt of the actual fighting.”


French President Francois Hollande shown greeting the media after his phone call to President Obama offering a wide range of comestibles to US troops in support of America's Syrian offensive.

US Secretary of State John Kerry asserted that “we have, in-hand, pledges of financial support from Saudi Arabia and Qatar. All we have to do is supply the troops and weapons. In fact, an under appreciated element of this pledge of support is the salutary effect it will have on our budget deficit. We have plenty of firepower. What we're short of is money. Be hiring out some of this firepower we can close the gap between revenue and outlay.”

Reid Rejects Idea of Hearing Evidence from Russian Envoys

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) rejected Russia's offer to send a pair of members of its parliament to testify to Congress on intelligence information it has gathered on the Syrian situation, saying that “the interjection of contradictory information would only muddy the waters.”

We've already heard from the President and Secretary of State Kerry.” Reid said. “Our job is to support them. Bringing in outsiders who dispute the case they have presented will only make that harder to achieve.”

Russian President Vladimir Putin found Reid's position to be “disappointing and incomprehensible. We have a 100-page intelligence report documenting that the rebels the US is seeking to aid have engaged in despicable atrocities—including the use of chemical weapons. Perhaps the Americans would doubt the validity of such a report, but shouldn't they at least hear the evidence before discounting it?”

As bad as the Assad Regime is, the brutality of rebel fighters has sparked growing support for his government. Massacres of unbelievers, horrific filmed executions, and cannibalism perpetrated by opponents of Assad have persuaded many that he is the lesser of evils. One of the rebel faction's vow to “slaughter all the Christians after Syria is liberated” suggests that a US role in helping to bring this about might not be a good idea.

Despite substantial evidence of the murderous nature of the main forces opposing Assad, Senator John McCain (R-Ariz) insists that “helping them is our only option. They may not live up to our ideals of freedom and humane human interactions, but who does in this part of the world. Oppression, persecution, and mass murder are the time-honored ways of governing in the Middle East. If we refuse to assist these rebels because they have innocent blood on their hands we won't have any horse in this race.”

Secretary of State John Kerry sought to bolster the case for US inventing by citing the fact that one of the rebel leaders recited a poem before executing a group of captured Syrian troops as “proof that they are not simply barbarians, but also have the capacity for appreciating literature and possibly other fine arts. Should we just stand by while this spark of culture is crushed by a loathsome regime?”

Reid is expected to schedule a Senate vote on whether the US should or shouldn't bomb Syria in support of the al-Qaeda rebels on September 11. The date is considered ironic since it would be the twelfth anniversary of al-Qaeda's attack on the NY World Trade Center and the Pentagon.

When you think about it, doesn't it make more sense for us to align ourselves with an organization that has a broader reach than the Assad government?” Reid asked. “Assad has shown no capability to harm us. Al-Qaeda, obviously, has. Do we really want to risk disappointing them? Wouldn't taking sides with the stronger party make the most sense?”

DOD Chief Says Cost of Syrian Strike Small

US Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel hailed the proposed US attack on Syria as “a bargain.”

The display of force contemplated can be accomplished at a very low cost to us,” Hagel contended. “The millions we'll spend on ordinance and the few casualties we may incur will be a very reasonable price to pay for defending the credibility of the nation's Commander-in-Chief.”

Look, given what's already been said, a failure to carry through with at least an air strike would make the President appear as a blow-hard issuing empty threats,” the Secretary added. “We are confident that the American people don't want their President to have his image damaged in this fashion. We believe they'd be happy to pay much more in blood and treasure to ensure that their country isn't humiliated in this way.”

Chicago Police Say They Will Veto Illinois' Concealed Carry Law

Angry at state legislation authorizing citizens to carry concealed firearms, Chicago police superintendent Garry McCarthy says he will authorize his officers “to issue on-the-spot vetoes against this dangerous law.”

We maintain that the police are the only ones who ought to be allowed to arm themselves,” McCarthy argued. “They are the only people properly trained in the use of firearms. A law encouraging people to arm and defend themselves disrespects the job the police do. It also potentially complicates every confrontation.”

When police arrive at a scene where shooting has taken place how are they to know whether the person left standing is an assailant or a victim defending himself?” McCarthy asked. “It's a difficult question that my officers don't have the time or inclination to ask much less try to answer. Therefore, I am instructing them that when they arrive on a crime scene to not to hesitate to take down anyone wielding a gun.”

In related news, Colorado House Majority Leader Dickey Lee Hullinghorst (D-Gunbarrel) contends that citizens don't need guns to protect themselves because “they have the legislature to protect them. A woman should not have to carry a gun in order to feel safe on the streets. Keeping the streets safe is the legislature's job.”

Hullinghorst recommended that “people should put my phone number on speed dial so that if they find themselves in a dangerous situation they can quickly get a hold of me. I will immediately get to work to draft a bill that will rectify whatever predicament they find themselves in. They will also have the satisfaction of knowing that whatever remedy we come up with will be more far reaching than their concerns of the moment.”

UN Demands Obama Nullify State Laws

Verene Shepherd, chief of the UN Working Group of Experts of People of African Descent, expressed alarm at “the irresponsible proliferation of weapons fostered by misguided, so-called state governments” and demanded that “President Obama use his powers as Commander-in-Chief to nullify these affronts to civilized rule.”

It is unconscionable that the US President should sit idle while these subordinate governmental units commit such atrocities,” Shepherd complained. “In some states, any adult can qualify to carry a weapon. In others, people are allowed to 'stand their ground' and provoke a confrontation rather than comply with a simple request to hand over their wallet or remove their clothes.”

Attorney General Eric Holder assessed the demands as “certainly earnest and heartfelt” and promised “to explore Ms. Shepherd's suggestions for how we might deal with this situation.”


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