John Semmens

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

More About: Humor

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News, October 13, 2013 Edition

Journalist” Urges Wall Street to Aid President

Political Director of ABC News, Rick Klein, pleaded with Wall Street financiers to “manipulate the markets on behalf of President Obama's efforts to stand against GOP resistance.”

Government spending is what's been lining their pockets for generations,” Klein observed. “How can they sit by and allow upstarts like Senator Cruz to interfere? They've got to use their financial power to provoke a major slide in stock prices. Sure, they might have to take some temporary losses, but they should consider it an investment that will ensure that government cash continues to flow to them in the future.”

Klein noted that “President Obama is doing his part to inflict real pain on tourists and vets. It's time for the guys with the big bucks to inflict some pain on individual investors, to make people fret about their mutual funds and pensions. The more widespread the suffering, the more pressure these average Americans will put on their Congressional representatives to yield to the President's demands.”

Pelosi Rejects Any Responsibility for Obamacare Disaster

October 1st's disastrous launch of the Affordable Care Act's automated web site “is not any of my fault,” House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif), architect of the law, insisted.

The former Speaker rebuffed questions asking whether she has read the law since its 2010 enactment when she famously asserted that “we have to pass the bill so that you can find out what’s in it.”

If you look carefully at what I said you'll see that I said we had to pass the law so you can find out what's in it,” Pelosi pointed out. “This law isn't for me. I have the personal resources to cover any conceivable medical treatment I might require. This law is for the little people. They and the 'navigators' must bear the burden of finding out what's in it, not me.”

Thus far, the vast majority of individuals trying to use the heath care website ( have been unable to enroll in any heath insurance plan. Glitches in the $600 million dollar software program are frustrating even the most patient users.

Whether the “navigators” will be of much assistance remains to be seen. Some are misinformed about the requirements and insist that users must input credit scores to obtain coverage. Others are connected with organizations suspected of fraud. Background checks for all navigators were waived due to “lack of time.” The Attorneys General of 13 states have warned that the navigator program presents serious risks for identity theft.

John McAfee, creator of anti-virus software, predicts that thieves will hack into the Obamacare website, steal the personal information entered by those trying to enroll in the program, and use it to empty their bank accounts. “The official Obamacare website has no reliable safeguards at all,” McAfee observed. “The massive fleecing of vast numbers of those who enroll is just a matter of time.”

Leading Dems Declare Congress “Non-Essential”

Among the “non-essential” government functions shutdown during the last 10 days are the offices of leading members of the US Senate including Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev), Senate Majority Whip Dick Durbin (D-Ill), Senators Sherrod Brown (D-Ohio) and Bill Nelson (D-Fla).

When you get right down to it, all the essential functions of government can be carried out by the President,” Reid argued. “The police and armed forces all report to him. If push comes to shove he can simply order them to enforce his will. President Obama has shown a willingness to take on this responsibility. I believe he has the courage to bypass the out-dated and formalistic participation of Congress in ruling this country.”

Reid hastened to clarify that “I'm not saying that Congress is totally useless. Formalistic participation has a role in easing the transition to a newer mode of governance. Even the Roman Emperors retained a largely powerless Senate as a reassuring facade of its republican past.”

The evolving function I see Congress fulfilling is as a voice for supplicants seeking the favor of the President,” Reid added. “Getting the ear of the President is difficult for individuals. Going through a member of Congress has some value. Building a fruitful relationship with your state's members of Congress could be a mutually rewarding one if gaining a bigger piece of a growing government pie is your objective.”

In related news, Obama's former campaign manager, David Plouffe, labeled continued Republican opposition to President Obama “treason. Barack Obama was duly elected to rule over America by the voters. The overt actions of people like Senators Cruz, Lee, and Paul evince a disloyalty that should not be tolerated. If it doesn't stop extraordinary measures may be warranted to avert this clear and present danger.”

Administration Promises Default If Debt Ceiling Isn't Raised

Treasury Secretary Jack Lew slammed Republican arguments that failure to raise the debt ceiling doesn't guarantee default as based on “faulty logic.” This is despite the fact that Moody's, the internationally respected financial rating service, supports the GOP case.

They say that maxing out our borrowing just means that we will have to cut spending somewhere, that we could continue to service our debt while we make cuts elsewhere,” Lew recounted. “What they are forgetting is that the decision on whether to default or cut other spending is in our hands, not theirs.”

Calling the failure to raise the debt ceiling “a kind of poor man's balanced budget amendment,” Lew vowed that “the President will not be pressured into cutting back even non-essential functions by this kind of blackmail. We've got the full faith and credit of the entire US Government in our sights. If the GOP won't give the President what he wants we will pull the trigger. Everyone will understand that they made us do it.”

National Parks Service Rejects Donated Porta Potties

With the Parks' restrooms at the World War II Memorial in Washington, DC closed, a truckload of portable restrooms of the sort used at construction sites was donated by private citizens. NPS Rangers blocked these from being unloaded.

The President has instructed us to shutdown this site,” explained NPS Director Jonathan Jarvis. “As everyone knows, our efforts have been thwarted by aged veterans breaching our barricades. We certainly can't reward this disobedience by allowing bladder and bowel evacuation facilities near the Memorial.”

Jarvis scoffed at the notion that this could be construed as vindictive. “Hah, these guys faced worse when they were fighting the Nazis and Japs,” Jarvis gibed. “Were there porta potties on Okinawa or Normandy Beach? If anything, we're helping them relive some of the hardships they faced in their glory days. Where's the gratitude?”

In related news, the NPS has begun removing handles from water fountains in public parks they can't effectively block the public from entering. “Sure, it costs extra time, money and effort to do this,” Jarvis admitted. “But we need to make every reasonable effort to prevent people from using federal park facilities. If a few people suffer from heat exhaustion because they're dehydrated maybe they'll get the message: these parks are CLOSED.”

Mall Closed to Citizens, Open to Illegal Aliens

At the same time the National Parks Service has been going the extra mile to prohibit veterans from trespassing on sites in Washington, DC, the Administration issued a permit for an immigration reform rally on the Mall.

Presidential Press Secretary Jay Carney justified the disparate treatment as “in accord with the President's vision for America. As grateful as we may be for the contributions made by World War II veterans, it must be acknowledged that the useful role they played is in the past. They rose to the occasion when they were needed. In no sense of the word are any of their recent attempts to visit the World War II Memorial 'needed.'”

In contrast, the President has made it clear that immigration reform is crucial for the future,” Carney continued. “Those in the country illegally must be brought out of the shadows and granted a place from which they can exert their influence to help transform the nation.”

So, the bottom line is that trips down memory lane by aged vets are not important to the future of America,” Carney asserted. “Rallying for immigrant rights is. Temporarily barring the one while enabling the other makes perfect sense. It is both politically imperative and socially just.”

ATF Blocks Book Exposing Fast and Furious Gun-Running Scheme

The Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms is asserting authority to block the publication of whistle blower John Dodson's book The Unarmed Truth: My Fight to Blow the Whistle and Expose Fast and Furious. The book ban was issued by Deputy Ethics Official Greg Serres on the grounds that supervisors can deny outside employment “for any reason.” Dodson writing a book on his own time is considered “outside employment.”

Dodson is seeking to profit from knowledge he gained while being employed by the ATF,” Serres said. “It is the agency's contention that all knowledge gained on the job belongs to the agency. It has an absolute right to control how it is used.”

A significant aspect of this issue according to Serres is that “the book would focus unwanted scrutiny on mistakes made by the agency. It would hurt morale, not to mention threaten the careers of agency leadership and possibly future budget allocations if these mistakes were more widely publicized—a not unforeseeable outcome of the publication of this proposed book.”

The American Civil Liberties Union has criticized the book's suppression. “That a so-called 'ethics' officer would support this censorship is shameful,” ACLU spokesman Bertram Petty contended. “To boldly claim such an expansive authority to conceal damaging information is indicative of a rot more extensive than we can imagine.”


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