John Semmens

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

More About: Humor

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News, December 8, 2013 Edition

Pundit in Awe of Obama

MSNBC's Chris Matthews compared his interview with President Obama to Jesus Christ's return from the dead. “He came among us,” Matthews breathlessly exclaimed. “He shook my hand. He sat right next to me. He answered my questions. He restored my faith.”

Matthews said he imagined that “this must be how the Apostles felt when they saw Jesus after the crucifixion and burial. I felt so privileged, so blessed to be so close to this awesomely great entity.”

In order to set up Matthews' meeting with the awesome Barack Obama, American University bumped Ballet Petite’s final two dress rehearsals for “The Nutcracker.”

Melissa Carney, the ballet company’s artistic director, called the decision “heartbreaking and unnecessary. We made the reservation last January. These young performers have been rehearsing since August. To cut them off just prior to their opening night performance was thoughtless and cruel. Surely there were other stages available for a sit-down interview. Mr Matthews has a TV program. Why couldn't they have used that venue?”

Matthews sought to minimize Carney's concerns by pointing out that “performances of The Nutcracker have been going on for hundreds of years and will undoubtedly go on for hundreds more. This interview was a once-in-a-lifetime thing for me. Besides, I think my efforts to rescue the President from the media lynching he's taken over the disastrous health care roll out are a far better use of the facility than gratifying the egos of a few juvenile prancers.”

NYC Pol Explains Why Jews Are Being Targeted in “Knock-out Game”

New York City Councilwoman-elect Laurie Cumbo ventured to explain Blacks targeting Jews for the “knock-out game” in Brooklyn’s Crown Heights neighborhood as “understandable.” In the “game” a group of people pounces on an unsuspecting person walking along the street and beats him or her into unconsciousness.

The fact that Jews almost all have jobs or even worse, own businesses and property triggers feelings of resentment in the minority community,” Cumbo said. “Striking back with their fists may be the only way they can try to assert their human dignity.”

Cumbo acknowledged that “the attacks are probably morally wrong, but I can't help feeling that there is something deeper here than mere racial animosity and criminal assault. I think the President may have put his finger on it when he cited the egregious inequalities of income and wealth that plague our society. Maybe if the government did a better job of redistributing the wealth the poor would have less cause to attack those who have more than they should.”

Judge Grants Obama Uncle Asylum

Judge Leonard Shapiro of the Department of Justice's Immigration Court approved President Obama's Uncle Onyango Obama's application for legal residency in the United States saying that “the applicant is a gentleman, a good neighbor, paid his taxes, and met the criteria for legal permanent residency. When you add the fact that his nephew is the President of the United States it would be unseemly for us to deny him.”

Remember, the President has acknowledged that hundreds of people have been killed on his orders,” Shapiro pointed out. “Many of those killed have relatives and associates still living in the region to which Onyango Obama would be deported. Thus, there is the risk that he could be taken hostage or murdered in retaliation. Rather than ousting the man we ought to consider whether he merits Secret Service protection.”

Onyango has been in the country illegally since a 1992 deportation order following the expiration of his student visa and failure to pay taxes. He escaped attention until 2011 when he was arrested on a drunk driving charge. His residency status has been under review at the DOJ for the last 18 months.

Up until this past week President Obama denied he ever met this uncle. However, documentary proof to the contrary elicited a belated admission that the two had lived together briefly during the President's days at Harvard University.

Press Secretary Jay Carney insisted that “the President didn't lie about never having met his uncle. He didn't even know this guy was his uncle. For one, this man was going by the name of Omar. To the young Barack, Omar's place was just somewhere to crash and smoke weed. He can't be held responsible for not realizing who this person was thirty years ago.”

In related news, reportedly, Bill Ayers, the rumored ghost-writer of Obama's autobiography—Dreams from My Father, may publicly admit his authorship. His motive is said to be “apoplexy” over the mind-numbing incompetence of the Obama Administration. “A revolution can abide stealth, deceit, violence, murder, and even even tyranny in pursuit of its aims, but it cannot tolerate stupidity,” Ayers is said to have told friends.

Dems Exempt Staff from Obamacare

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev), as well as Senators Ron Wyden (D-Ore), Tim Johnson (D-SD), Barbara Boxer (D-Calif), Patty Murray (D-Wash), and Thomas Carper (D-Del), have exempted their staffs from having to comply with the Affordable Care Act requirements.

The extraordinary difficulties and complexities of getting insurance via the federal healthcare exchange are too severe for these key members of government to have to deal with,” Reid maintained. “The work that they do for me is too important to be sidetracked while they try to cope with the large volume of new regulations and the poor performance of the website.”

An added concern Reid mentioned was the risk of identity theft. “From what I've been hearing it seems that anyone logging onto the website could have their identity stolen,” Reid said. “As everyone knows, having your identity stolen launches you into a nightmare of financial distress. Phony charges appear on your credit card. Your bank account can be emptied. Your credit rating can be destroyed. We can't afford to expose those helping me govern the country to this kind of risk.”

Reid sloughed off the argument that laws ought to apply equally to everyone. “The consequences for an average person failing to navigate through the regulations are negligible,” Reid contended. “If a mere citizen gets the wrong insurance or no insurance, pays the wrong price, or has his identity stolen the damages are limited to the few individuals involved. If any of these things were to happen to a member of the government the anxiety that could result could taint our work on matters of public policy and have broadly felt ill-effects.”

Whether his actions might be illegal did not concern the Senator. “The President has exempted whole sectors of society from complying with the Act,” Reid observed. “What we have done is far narrower in scope. In terms of magnitude it would be like comparing a felony to a petty misdemeanor. In the unlikely event that there's to be any repercussions I think what we've done would be far down on the list of those seeking recourse.”

In related news, it was revealed this week that back in 2010 IBM offered to build the ACA website for free. The offer was rejected on the grounds that spending hundreds of millions to build the defective website that was rolled out in October would, according to Jason Furman, Chairman of the President's Council of Economic Advisers, “stimulate the economy more. There is no multiplier effect if the government gets the thing for free. Given the depressed state of the economy during the current Administration we felt that the more that we spent, the bigger and better the impact would be on the economy.”

Young People's Objections to Obamacare Called Selfish

Polls indicating that Obamacare may be costing Democrats the youth vote sparked outrage from several sources. Representative Debbie Wasserman-Schultz (Fla), Chair of the Democratic National Committee, characterized concerns over the price as “selfish and misguided.”

Those reacting negatively to insurance plans that double or triple their out-of-pocket costs for medical care are placing their own welfare ahead of society's,” she declared. “Maybe they think they're strong and healthy and don't need medication or therapy, but what about those who do?”

The Congresswoman urged young people to “not try to substitute their thinking for that of the government's experts. These experts have thoroughly reviewed the issue and determined that the collective well-being of the whole will be better served if the healthy young subsidize the sicker old.”

Over at the Department of Health and Human Services, Secretary Kathleen Sebelius sought to tackle what she called “youth obstinacy on this issue” by naming a video titled “Forget About the Price Tag” the grand prize winner in her agency's contest to encourage young people to sign up for Obamacare.

Now is not the time for young people to be shopping for a better value for what they pay,” Sebelius advised. “Now is the time for them to willingly shoulder the burdens that government has assigned to them. You know, the so-called 'Greatest Generation' didn't question the role assigned to them by FDR. They accepted their task to defeat the Nazis, many of them at the cost of their own lives. We're not asking nearly as much. All we want is these young people's money. Why can't they simply do as we ask?”


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