John Semmens

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

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SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: July 16, 2017 Edition

Study Shows Twitter Was Key to Trump Win

A study from the University of Edinburgh analyzed 50 viral election-related tweets over the 68 days preceding last November's presidential election and concluded that Trump's campaign had a significant edge. "Two-thirds of the 3,450 viral tweets—which were retweeted about 26 million times—either attacked Clinton (39%) or supported Trump (23%). The other third either supported Clinton (14%) or attacked Trump (19%)."

In Trump's twitter account 64% of the tweets had a positive message about Trump and 36% had a negative message about Clinton. In Clinton's twitter account 48% of the tweets had a positive message about Clinton and 52% had a negative message about Trump.

Hillary for President campaign manager Robby Mook said "the study's findings highlight the fundamental unfairness of allowing uninformed individuals to play such a large role in shaping the election dialog. We're seeing a continuation of that now as President Trump is bypassing the traditional methods of communicating through the mainstream media and sending out salvos of unfiltered tweets whenever he feels like it."

"Before the emergence of social media we had major media as the gatekeepers," Mook reminisced. "They sorted out the worthy from the unworthy content and assured that all voters had the same information from the same sources. We need to get back to that system. Maybe the FCC can somehow regulate what can be tweeted, maybe require a license, maybe assess fines for unlicensed tweeting. In the case of President Trump, Rep. Jim Himes (D-Conn) has introduced a bill requiring at least two televised press briefings per week. The bill has good intent, but doesn't go as far as it should. I think these press briefings should be the only way the President is permitted to communicate with the general public. That way the viewers could see the media challenge and rebut his lies rather than let them go unfiltered into the smart phones of the general public."

Seattle Councilman Says Hosing Excrement off Sidewalk "Racist"

Councilman Larry Gossett bristled at a request for funds to clean human excrement from Seattle's city streets near the Third Street courthouse, calling it "racist. It's all part of a pattern of disrespect toward the minority community."

The request for $8,000 to pay for the cleaning came from King County Sheriff John Urquhart who complained that "public defecation is only part of the problem. The homeless denizens of the area have been assaulting and harassing citizens reporting for jury duty. The jurors are asking judges to excuse them because they're afraid to come to the courthouse."

Gossett insisted that "putting the discomfort of white jurors who have access to indoor toilets ahead of the rights of the homeless who do not sends the wrong message to our children." The Councilman vowed to personally participate in a "sh*t-in" if the funds are appropriated, claiming "it's turning the other cheek as Jesus asked us to do."

Councilman Ronald Wussman proposed renaming the street to "Turd Street" as a "compromise," pointing out that "the new name would serve to alert everyone to the hazards without unnecessarily disrupting the habitat or the behavior of those dwelling in it. In a way, the new name might be seen as an acknowledgment of the contributions this segment of society has made to our community."

In related news, a 70-year-old Swedish woman is facing four years in prison for complaining on Facebook that "immigrants set cars on fire and urinate and defecate in the streets." Dalarna prosecutor Lars Gütterswill explained that "while technically speaking, her remarks are true, they still constitute incitement to racial hatred. The fact that she spoke the truth makes it worse since it prevents the aggrieved from credibly calling it a lie."

Trump Jr. Meeting Proves Collusion

Former chairman for Hillary Clinton's presidential campaign John Podesta declared that the recent disclosure by Donald Trump Jr. that he met with a Russian lawyer hoping to receive information that would damage Hillary Clinton's chances of being elected "is the final link in the chain of evidence proving that Donald Trump cheated his way into the presidency."

"I mean, it's not as if there wasn't already a mountain of facts clearly establishing an intent to deny Secretary Clinton her rightful place as president," Podesta contended. "At every turn the Trump campaign sought to portray her in a negative light—her policies were bad, she was corrupt, she was ill—you name it. The great irony is that what will ultimately sink him is that Trump tried to import Russian dirt rather than relying on American-made dirt."

Podesta dismissed evidence showing Natalia Veselnitskaya's connections to the Democratic Party and Fusion GPS as "irrelevant. Whether or not she was a covert operative for the Democratic Party isn't important. What is important is that Junior thought he was colluding with the Russian government." Fusion GPS was the entity responsible for the anonymously-sourced and unverifiable "golden shower" dossier that emerged after Trump won the election.

Whether this latest development will lead to Trump's impeachment would appear to be an uphill battle given the Republican majorities in both the House and the Senate. Nevertheless, Podesta expressed confidence that "a motion calling for the election to be voided and the presidency restored to its rightful owner will be put before an appropriate venue." Sources say that "appropriate venue" will be before Hawaii Judge Derrick Watson. Watson. Watson has previously blocked Trump Administration bans against travel to the US from six terror-prone Middle Eastern nations.

Impeachment Resolution Introduced in House

Rep. Brad Sherman (D-CA) and Rep. Al Green (D-Tex) are cosponsoring House Resolution 438, a measure aimed at impeaching President Trump.

"When President Trump fired the man who was investigating his presidential campaign for colluding with Russia he obstructed justice," Sherman argued. "It doesn't matter whether there was collusion or not. It doesn't matter that the envisioned 'collusion,' per se, is not a crime under the law. Firing FBI Director James Comey, in and of itself, is obstruction regardless of whether the campaign did or didn't collude because it stopped Comey from continuing his investigation."

Green couched his support in terms of the projected favorable impact on the nation's health and safety. "According to a survey conducted by Detox (http://www.detox.net/uncover/what-would-you-give-up-for-alcohol/), 73% of Democrats would give up drinking alcohol for the rest of their lives if Trump is impeached," Green said. "Each year alcohol causes 90,000 deaths and $250 billion in economic damage. Since impeaching Trump could save lives and money, Republicans should put partisan interests aside and agree to impeach Trump for the good of the nation."

Abortion a "Tool to End Poverty"

In a recent interview with CTV News, Marie-Claude Bibeau, Canada's Minister of International Development and La Francophonie, called abortion a "tool to end poverty" and labeled the Catholic Church's objections "illogical and self-serving."

"Abortions reduce the number of people sharing the world's resources," Bibeau pointed out. "Culling the population in this manner means there is a bigger slice of the pie for each survivor. The Church's opposition would condemn an ever-growing human herd to subsist on shrinking shares of material goods."

"I try to be tolerant of their religious beliefs, but I can't acquiesce to their sinister plan to promote overpopulation and its accompanying poverty as a means for increasing the size of their congregations, especially when the suffering that this would inflict can so easily be avoided through a simple and painless medical intervention," Bibeau asserted.

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