John Semmens

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

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SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: April 22, 2018 Edition

McCabe Sues Trump for "Wrongful Termination"

Fired for "lack of candor," former deputy FBI Director Andrew McCabe is set to sue the Trump administration for "wrongful termination." Michael Bromwich, McCabe's lawyer, cited former FBI Director James Comey's book—A Hired Loyalty—as confirmation that "my client getting fired for lying contradicts the Agency's ethical standards so clearly laid out by Mr. Comey."

In his book and interviews since its publication, Comey has admitted "lying when circumstances require it. Everyone in the DOJ has lied when necessary to nail a criminal for which we lacked the evidence to prosecute or to protect confidential sources. Take current Special Counsel Bob Mueller, for example. There was a time in his career when he found it necessary to convict four innocent men to prevent informant Whitey Bulger's identity from being outed. That was a strategically designed sacrifice in the pursuit of a higher justice. It didn't make Mueller a bad person. Likewise, the lies I have told in my efforts to try to block a man who is morally unfit to be this nation's president don't make me a bad person."

"Mr. Trump's characterization of my client as a 'leaker' and a 'liar' are defamatory," Bromwich argued. "It is a blatant attempt to use instances of normal FBI procedures to smear Mr. McCabe's reputation and, thereby, deny him the millions of dollars in pension benefits to which his years of service entitle him."

McCabe himself laughed off Inspector General Horowitz's criminal referral, saying "FBI deputies don't go to jail. We send other people to jail. This is how it's always been since the days of J. Edgar and will continue to be for as long as the Agency exists." Well, maybe not. Former FBI agent Terry Albury is headed to prison for leaking classified information on the Agency's racially discriminatory hiring practices to the media last year.

Dems Sue Trump for "Wrongful Election Victory"

Unsatisfied with the lack of results from Special Counsel Robert Mueller's year-long investigation of Trump-Russia collusion to steal the 2016 presidential election from Hillary Clinton, the Democratic National Committee filed a lawsuit demanding billions of dollars in damages and a "rectification" of the election results. In addition to Trump, the suit also named Russia and Wikileaks as co-conspirators in what DNC Chairman Tom Perez called "an act of unimaginable treachery."

While not part of the suit, per se, Perez expressed "our profound disappointment with the actions of our government. We counted on them to prevent the election of Trump as president. Yes, the FBI stifled any criminal inquiry into Secretary Clinton's mishandling of her email system. Yet, they didn't stifle news of her aides erasing files and smashing cell phones. FBI Director Comey's attempt to sell this behavior as merely careless lacked credibility and served to critically damage her campaign."

"The Wikileaks publication of confidential correspondence disclosing how the DNC rigged the primary against Sen. Sanders was a vital cog in the machinery working to deny the election of the most qualified person to ever seek the presidency," Perez contended. "Given the vast resources and opportunity to neutralize the evil genius hiding in the Ecuadorean Embassy in London, we are mystified that this one man wasn't eliminated either before he could do his dirty work, or afterward as an example to others. Now, we are hoping our suit will bankrupt this disruptive entity."

"The key remedy we are seeking is for the court to reverse the outcome of the 2016 election and invalidate all of the legislation and executive actions taken by the wrongfully seated Trump." Perez said. "Skeptics say this remedy is unprecedented. Even if that were true, justice would still demand it. But there is precedent for vacating a victory and awarding it to the second-place finisher in collegiate athletics when it is shown that the on-the-field winner cheated. So, it shouldn't be viewed as such a stretch to apply that remedy in our case."

As for co-conspirator Russia, Perez predicted "that will take care of itself once a President Clinton replaces Trump in the Oval Office. She has had a lot of experience punishing those who have done her wrong. If the full powers of the presidency are put at her disposal I wouldn't want to be in Putin's shoes. We're confident she'll get more than the customary 'pound of flesh' out of him and the country he rules."

In related news, Comey said if he could go back in time and change anything he would have "prevented Anthony Weiner from being born. Despite my best efforts, this sex pervert undermined my extraordinary actions aimed at smoothing the transition from the Obama Presidency to the Clinton Presidency. His very existence changed history in a very negative way."

NY Guv Has Identity Crisis

Nervous that left-wing loon and former "Sex and the City" star Cynthia Nixon will oust him in the Democratic primary this coming September, Gov. Andrew Cuomo is trying to convince voters that he is all things to all people. In saner eras, the standard Democratic ploy was to promise an array of government-funded goodies to constituents. Now, though, Cuomo seems determined to persuade the gullible that he is "a Muslim, a Jew, a gay, a woman, a transgender, a criminal, an undocumented immigrant—I am every person, except a straight white male, and am the most perfect candidate to represent this great state as its governor."

In a bid to prove he is "not all talk and no action," Cuomo unilaterally granted 35,000 convicted felons the right to vote after the state legislature declined to change existing state law that bars felons from voting. "Sometimes a law is just plain wrong," the Governor asserted. "I'm not the kind of guy who will sit around and wait for the legislative process to work if it's not getting the job done."

The mechanism the Governor has settled on is to grant every parolee a pardon as soon as he is released from prison. Richard Azzopardi, a spokesman for the governor, called the move "limited in scope. We're not totally restoring all their civil rights. We're only restoring their right to vote."

Nixon wondered "why should Democratic voters accept such a poseur? My opponent is none of the identities he is trying to claim. I am actually both gay and a woman. I do find it telling that the only concrete action he IS taking is not on behalf of oppressed law-abiding minorities, but usurping legislative authority to reward persons who have been convicted of preying upon innocent victims."

Numerous undocumented immigrants in the state also expressed outrage at the Governor's claims. One of them asking not to be identified by name said "his parents weren't immigrants, his family wasn't poor, and he has no idea what it's like to be undocumented. He will not be getting my vote."

Tech Rivals Tout Surveillance Visions

Facebook Deputy Chief Privacy Officer Rob Sherman boasted that his firm "will force users to accept being tracked everywhere they go. That's just the way it is. This decision was not made in the interest of the users of Facebook, but explicitly to ensure maximum profits for the company. Our business model is based on inducing our users to freely provide us detailed personal information, which we then sell to the highest bidders. It's a virtual license to print money. Why should we stop?"

Sherman dismissed the possibility that customers would be turned off by FaceBook's pervasive invasion of privacy. "Privacy is an antisocial concept," he maintained. "It may have had its uses in an earlier era, but today everyone wants to be someone. Putting all their personal data on the web is a convenient and inexpensive way to to that. The lure of being a social media celebrity is too tempting for the modern generation to resist. The fact that we have over two billion active FaceBook users proves that."

Not to be outdone, Microsoft's Bill Gates touted his EarthNow initiative as a more powerful surveillance tool by pointing out "unlike FaceBook, it doesn't require anyone to opt in before we can begin tracking them. Our network of orbiting satellites can track anyone anywhere on the planet. We will know where you are. Who you're with. We can track your movements 24/7. No one will escape our scrutiny."

"I see a day when society can monitor the globe to instantaneously identify unacceptable behaviors, words, and attitudes and dispatch intervention teams to rescue people from deviancy," Gates envisioned. "People could be treated, therapies and medications administered as needed to prevent social isolation and nonconformity. Loneliness would become one of the afflictions that could finally be cured."

Brown Vows Revenge on Anti-Sanctuary Cities

Now that the second largest county in California has joined a growing list of cities opposing the state's sanctuary policies, an irate Gov. Jerry Brown (D) has vowed "to take vengeance on these lowlifes." The spark provoking this promise came when the San Diego County Board of Supervisors voted to direct the county attorney to file a friend-of-the-court brief supporting the Trump Administration's lawsuit against the state's attempt to flout federal immigration laws.

"If these people thought they've had it tough before paying for the medical, education, and welfare needs of our undocumented immigrants, I want them to know that it will get much worse if their elected officials continue to defy me," Brown threatened. "I've already ordered 400 National Guard troops to go to the border and make sure it stays open. We will import the voters needed to ensure that pliable boards and city councils replace recalcitrant GOP-led obstructionists. Resistance is futile. All will be absorbed or exterminated. The choice is theirs. I urge them to choose wisely."

A sign that Brown may have overestimated his mandate to convert California into Norte Mexico came from a most unlikely source this week. The University of California Berkeley's Haas Institute for a Fair and Inclusive Society's poll of California voters found 59% in favor of increased deportations of illegal immigrants—a finding that the Governor characterized as "a transient majority that is already on its way to being overturned."

In other California news, Fresno State University President Joseph Castro has awarded Professor Lars Maischak a paid vacation for advocating that President Trump "be hanged to save American democracy." Castro explained that "while Dr. Maischak's words may seem harsh to the ill-educated constituency that supports Trump, he was only voicing what we all believe to be true. Right-wing rabble rousers are demanding he be punished, but I am convinced that would be unwarranted. Our compromise solution was to put him on paid leave for the remainder of the semester. That way he is out of the classroom, but does not have to suffer any financial setbacks. We stopped short of giving him the raise and promotion that the majority of the faculty would have preferred."

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